How to Stop Being a Fuckgirl

As promised back in 2019…I am going to continue with my Fuckboy/Fuckgirl series. Here we go now…Fuckgirls!

Why am I writing this post?

After writing the Fuckboy article a few years ago, I knew in the back of my mind that it’s only fair to write about Fuckgirls too. Perhaps the reason why it took me so long to write this particular post is because I KNOW that during some point in my life, I have been a Fuckgirl. GUILTY party here. Perhaps I felt/still feel some deep deep shame about it. Hmm..

Another reason why I postponed writing this is because I’m generally all about women. I am pro-female. I love empowering women and I love girl bosses and QUEENS. Staunch feminist here. I don’t give a fuck if a girl wants to hook up with a bunch of dudes or play them the way guys play girls. Your body your choice! Do you as long as you’re being safe about it. But for reals, I don’t want the women reading my blog to feel attacked, judged, or belittled because some of what I write about Fuckgirls may hit close to home.

We all know there are different reasons why some girls are considered Fuckgirls. Maybe writing this article will shed some light and differentiate the little Fuckgirls from women who are empowered, kind, and confident. Maybe it’ll keep you from becoming one. Hell, maybe you are one already and don’t even realize it…if that’s the case…then…THIS POST IS FOR YOU! I’m not sure if many men read my blog, but for those out there who are…maybe this can help you spot a Fuckgirl and make your own decision around that. Here it goooes!

Defining the Fuckgirl

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From my experience, the term “Fuckgirl” is usually thrown around as the female equivalent to a Fuckboy. But are they really equivalent? According to Urban Dictionary, a Fuckgirl is defined as:

“A girl who engages in fuckboy behavior, generally thinks they are god’s gift to the earth and use words like “thirsty” “salty” “fuckboy” and “hater.”

Ok there ya go. I don’t fully agree with the definition because obviously, I have used and will continue to use terms like “thirsty,” “salty,” “fuckboy,” and “hater.” LOL that’s basically part of modern language now ya’ll. Guys use those words too!

In Homegirl terms, here are some instances of what I personally think a Fuckgirl might be.

• A Fuckgirl is girl who will use her looks and sex appeal to get what she wants.
• A Fuckgirl is someone who will regularly post pictures of their tatas and bootay, commonly known as thirst traps.
• A Fuckgirl is a girl who comes off as very cool and chill, but she’s actually kind of an asshole.
• A Fuckgirl either has a gang of Fuckgirlfriends OR no female friends. She is typically surrounded by men who either have already slept with her, wants to sleep with her, or is currently sleeping with her.
• A Fuckgirl is THIRSTY as haillll. I’m talking insatiable thirst for the D. She could be at a funeral, and she’ll be looking for dudes. It’s all the same to her. Inappropriate thirst in inappropriate places and times.
• A Fuckgirl is the type of girl who thinks every guy is into her and will villainize a nice guy after they tell her they’re not attracted to her.
• A Fuckgirl is a girl who jumps from guy to guy to guy to guy with very few breaks in between and leaves a trail of broken hearts behind.
• A Fuckgirl will go and pursue a guy regardless of whether or not he’s attached. Afterall, she wants what she wants and “always” gets what she wants.
• A Fuckgirl is someone who sees nothing wrong about herself. According to her, self-growth is not something she needs to do…unless everyone else is doing it.
• A Fuckgirl is someone who is constantly talking about their own problems, never taking the time to ask about yours unless it relates to her own drama.

…Well. I know I wrote that, and I don’t know about you, but during some of those bullet points, I was like…is this really a Fuckgirl? At points, I even felt like I called myself out. Around the end of that list I was like.. why the FUCK am I writing this lol. Like I said earlier, I have been guilty of some Fuckgirl moments. I’ve posted the thirst traps, I’ve hurt some dudes in the past, hell, I even had a song written about my Fuckery. It wasn’t the best song, it also wasn’t the most flattering song, but when you hurt a guy so much that he’s compelled to write a trash song about you… it means you gotta do better as a person.

Analyzing the Fuckgirl

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Let’s peel back some of these layers here. I’m speaking from my own perspective as a former Fuckgirl, so after years of self-reflection and hard work in unlearning some of my bad habits from the past, I’m in a unique position where I fucking know!!

My Fuckgirl behavior pretty much started when I was 18, after I lost about 20 pounds from quitting a controlling boyfriend and the McDonalds. All thoughout high school I was this thicc ass girl relying on my personality to attract guys. But with no luck. When I lost the weight, then guys be popping out the woodwork expressing their interest in me where there was none before. Even guys who had previously rejected me.

That’s when I truly saw how shallow some guys could be. You’d think I would have just enjoyed the newfound attention, but it actually just made me angry. Angry AF. I was still the same me. But that experience sort of changed my view on the male gender. I almost preferred being that chubby girl before…because at least I knew that the men who were my friends, were actually my friends. They were real with no agenda except maybe trying to date my girlfriends. That’s probably a conversation for another post though.

I started hating men to the point where I was just like “Fuck it. If guys can be players, I can too.” LOL. Good ole silly little me who truly believed that women would be treated equally if they acted like men in the society that we live in.

After years of having this mentality, I got myself in a bunch of trouble at times, and I was relentlessly selfish. Not caring who I hurt along the way. Quoting Madonna, I was just a material girl living in a material world. And with each uncaring moment, the more I lost a bit of the good, genuine person I used to be. It was a slippery slope.

And I’m not saying that all Fuckgirls are the same. Like Fuckboys, these girls come in all shapes and sizes. In my personal experience, I was that angry ass unempathetic selfish Fuckgirl. But there are Fuckgirls who are just shallow. There are Fuckgirls who care about using their looks to get what they want. There are Fuckgirls who will slash a guy’s tires. There are Fuckgirls who will go Gone Girl on your ass and are TRULY PSYCHOS. There are Fuckgirls who are all of it.

After awhile, I realized that I was really afraid to be alone. I was also obsessed with finding the perfect guy. If you’re someone who follows my blog, you know already that I believe that people attract who they are. The reason I was attracting the Fuckboys before was because I was their counterpart. Perhaps I did some of these things to numb out my pain, perhaps it was to make a Fuckboy jealous. Perhaps, in my mind, if I couldn’t get the Fuckboy, this meant I needed to get even. And maybe, perhaps perhaps (my new favorite word), I also wanted to feel like I was cool and on top. When in reality… Fuckgirl.

Now…How Do You Stop Being a Fuckgirl?

At the end of the day, Fuckgirls and Fuckboys are similar. They are both pretending. They hide behind a facade and live in their own little materialistic and superficial reality. Everyone has their own reasons for being who they are, but if you’re a Fuckgirl and want to stop to become an empowered woman…here’s what you can do.

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Step 1: Admit to yourself that you may have a problem.

This is the first, and probably most important step. You can’t grow as a person if you’re unable to acknowledge your mistakes and that you have done other people and yourself some damage. Everyone has their own problems…however. When you acknowledge that you may be the cause of some of those problems, you are now taking accountability. That is a grown ass woman move. Also, now that you know that you may be a Fuckgirl, it gives you the power to take control of your life and yourself. You can be in a position to grow and change.

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Step 2: Take a break from the D.

Yes. I know it hurts, especially when you have a hottie just waiting there for ya. But you gotta tear yourself away from the D for a sec. I’m talking temporarily, OK. This time is about you. And only you. Use the time away from the dick to get to know yourself, form stronger bonds with your friends, check in on family.

If you’re used to sleeping with someone everyday, every other day, every week… try cutting down and fill that void with another activity you love. Do you like to cook? Learn some recipes. Enjoy working out? Sculpt your body and turn into a fitness goddess. Does your place needing a good revamp? Do some decorating. Like reading? Pick up a really addicting romance novel and tear through that shit. Do you have Netflix? Time for some Kdramas. Or some movies with strong female leads (Not Monster with Charlize Theron though). OH… and maybe invest in a good, rechargeable vibrator. That thing will make you self-sufficient. Have at it girl.

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Step 3: Start a journal and self-reflect.

Part of the reason why I started writing this blog and keeping my journal is because I was pretty sure my friends were tired of hearing my shit. Many of them were very stable, opposite of me, pretty settled and entering more “grown” phases in their lives. Many never dated around and married their high school or college boyfriends. Some were also perpetually single and preferred it that way. They couldn’t relate and they also lost patience for me and my drama. I can also be an intense and thorough person. I can keep going on and on and on and on about the same old thing, and I also used to be pretty uncaring when it came to their problems. Pretty one-sided.

In a journal, you can write allllll of your thoughts down. You can also go back and re-read them with a new perspective. Sometimes, you can pick out your negative thoughts, and say HEY. I’m gonna change this about myself. or HEY this was kind of a shitty thing to write about someone. Your thoughts are YOURS and yours only. As we know, thoughts are also powerful. When you change the way you think about things, you can also change your emotions and behaviors. Therapy at its finest ya’ll.

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Step 4: Come to terms with your pain.

There’s this phrase that comes to mind… “Hurt people hurt others.” You didn’t become a Fuckgirl because things were all good and dandy for you. Chances are, you were probably wounded in some way in the past and learned to release some of that pain a certain way. Retrace your steps back to how your Fuckgirl behavior started and how it might have gotten worse. Somewhere along the way, you learned to mask your pain and protect yourself by not being open to something real. Maybe you grew up with instability and that’s what you’re comfortable with now. When you’re able to come to terms with your past and NOT let it get to you while still being kind and understanding towards others…Girl….that’s true power you have right there.

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Step 5: Friendzone every single damn guy you meet.

I should probably rephrase this step but whatever. I’m gonna go with it. This step is straying away from your self-help and veering more towards strategy, but I’m keeping it because it also works for your own sanity and time when it comes to guys. At the end of the day, we all want to be boss bitches and this step can help with that as well.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re not interested in a guy and friendzone him, he tends to be EVEN MORE INTERESTED IN YOU? That’s because a) you probably didn’t tell him straight up that you’re not attracted to him b) you gave him the opportunity to get to know you in a nonsexual way and he liked you more and accepted you for it… On that note, have you ever noticed that when you ARE interested in a guy, you don’t friendzone him and go straight into HELLO THERE WINK WINK. I get it. BUT. Friendzoning everyone can be very beneficial for you in the end–even if you meet someone who’s hot as hell and checks all your boxes. It gives you the chance to get to know them while finding out if they truly like you for you. You can find out if you share similar values, interests, if they get along with your people, your life, if they would even make a good partner, and you can also find out if THEY are the Fuckboy. Also..in case the hot dude isn’t interested in you, then it saves you from rejection. It’s definitely the safe option.

WELP. That’s all I got. Full disclosure, half of what I said above could also be wrong as hell. But if it sounds like you could relate to it, give this post a like and follow if you want to read more posts like this. If you want me to write about some other topics or answer some questions about what’s going on in your love life, please let me know in the comments.

I re-read my Fuckboy post and I’m cracking up over my “make him your bitch” line LOL. What is wrong with me!

With love,

Homegirl

Author’s note: Hello! I know it’s been a long while since I updated this. I believe it was at the beginning of 2020 before we all got hit with a global pandemic! Well, *surprise surprise* I went through another break up during the first month of the COVID shut down, so I was busy recuperating and building myself back up. After going through a mini breakdown (which I will maaaybe write about later), I pretty much had no choice but to pick myself up while all my usual outlets were inaccessible. And I did.

Now it’s 2 years later…I am older, I am wiser, and I am SEMI-TRAINED in life and psychology skills (just finished my first year in a clinical psych doctoral program). AND I AM READY TO GIVE YA’LL SOME REAL ASS DATING ADVICE COMMENTARY THAT’S (partly) GROUNDED IN EXPERIENCE AND SCIENTIFIC FACTS! In my personal life, after the years of hard work, obstacles, and picking myself back up… I am finally, FINALLY living a life I’ve always dreamed of, I am in a good place mentally, and I would love to support and entertain my readers who are currently struggling.

Moving On the Healthy Way

Years ago, I wrote this post on this blog called Moving on the Unhealthy Way where I basically suggested dispersing your love and getting under someone else to get over someone. I mean…hey, it does work… but to an extent. It really depends on the person you’re sleeping with as well. I’ve thought about that quick-fix through the years, and what personally made me avoid doing that in the end was the fact that I was using this other person to make myself feel better.. so… that’s not very nice.

Side note: to go around that, be honest with the other person about your current feelings and intentions. Sometimes, they’re cool with it. *shrug*

I wrote that post at the time because it was the easy way. I had just separated from my toxic ex whom I was in love with, and I didn’t want to but I felt like needed to move on fast. Otherwise, I would have went back to him. I had just started therapy, so the coping methods I just learned about weren’t doing it for me. They were too slow, weren’t strong enough to get my mind off of him. Rebounding was the surefire way for me to escape from the initial pain of things.

But the unhealthy method is unhealthy for a reason. I wasn’t dealing with my emotions or putting in the mental work to move on. I mean. Maybe you’re a different type of homegirl and you’re just super self-aware like that, who knows. You’d be the exception!

Even though I already knew that rebounding and talking to as many guys as possible was a quick fix and bad for me (obviously, since I wrote the Unhealthy Way), it took me a minute to realize that in order for me to grow, I need to actually face these emotions head-on. And hey, maybe channel them into my own goals (I have clear goals now fyi). So.. years later, I’m gonna go ahead and add onto some of that old unhealthy shiz and write a Moving on the Healthy Way post. In the spirit of being healthy. New year, new me, right?

Let Yourself Mourn

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Wallow girl, wallow. Ice cream, pizza, weed, music, romcoms… Get. Those. Feelings. Out. and FEEL THEM. I don’t really suggest drinking or depending on drugs. Alcohol or pills when you’re really in your feels can be dangerous. You can go from regular-dark to empty-dark real fast and who knows what shit will go down. It’s just a bad decision in my opinion. I know some people who have turned to substances to try to numb their pain, and at the end of the day, they only hurt themselves. Even after a year of taking substances to try to mute their feelings.. their mental health didn’t just disintegrate, they also isolated themselves from everyone and literally nothing in their life improved. Do yourself a favor and don’t do this to yourself. Also, I love you ladies, so be strong.

Clean Your Shit Up

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Create a new space for yourself. Do some sprucing, toss out old things, do laundry, take a shower or a bubble bath, groom yourself, shave your vagina, drink a glass of water. Time to watch some Marie Kondo and clean up your life girl. Just clear out all the extra stuff and the baggage. According to Psychology Today, studies have shown that improving your cleanliness leads to better physical health, better focus, and even a better night’s sleep. I recently just ended things with this guy I was crazy about (he just wasn’t right for me), but after a night of wallowing and sleeping to forget him, I woke up and went on a cleaning frenzy the following day. Even though it didn’t do much in terms of moving on, at least I was able to wallow in a clean, clear, uncluttered living space.

When I’m feeling crappy on the inside, I also go out of my way to make myself look kickass and beautiful on the outside. That way I know I can still get it if I wanted to – but also, I’ve found that it slightly improves my mood. At the very least, I can get a good picture out of it.

Get Yourself Outside

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Fill your cloudiness with some actual sunshine. Even when I lived in the East Coast, I found some solace going outside.. even in the rain or snow. Especially in the snow. Now that I live on the West Coast, going out into the sun is super healing and it instantly lifts my mood. At the very least, it makes me feel independent. When I’m moving on from someone, I personally like taking a solo day to reflect. Whether it’s visiting a coffee shop, watching a movie in theater, hitting up the public library, reading at a park, going for a walk, hanging out with one or two good friends.. You name it. I know some people who go to the beach by themselves to do yoga or they go skating along some bike trail.. going for a hike. SO many darn things to do. If you’re going to be sad, be sad outside instead of inside a stuffy room.

Make a List

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First off, I love lists. Yes, sometimes I would make lists to complete tasks or when I’m packing before a flight or something. However, the right list to make here in this situation is a pro/con list. Then a goals list. Or a list of what you want in a perfect person for you. A list of tattoos you want to get. Places you want to go. Things you need to do to get your life in order. This kind of goes in the “clean up your life” category. For me, making a list helps me organize my crap and re-prioritize the things I need in my life. Making a list helps me regain back my focus.

Get Your Workout On

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Yup. Get that steam out of your system. I think of feelings like this cosmic ball of energy you have inside you, and when you’re feeling overloaded, you need to physically release that excess energy or else you’ll implode. I like pilates and dancing (twerking) by myself in my bedroom. Running, stairs, bleh. You get it. Also, when you’re working out, you’re making yourself more beautiful on the outside…you’re taking care of yourself… and who doesn’t like self-care? Even though your head might not be in the game right now because it’s clouded with feelings about this ex-person in your life, working out can help you create a new and improved version of you.

Do Something You Love

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Do you like drawing? Writing in your diary? Watching tv? Scootering? Competing in chess competitions? Whatever you love doing, do it. You might be feeling down and in a mood, but at least doing something you enjoy can give you the chance to alleviate some of that darkness you’re feeling. Even though it might be difficult to switch modes, try to think positive.

Don’t Look at Their Social Media

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I struggle with this one. After initially binging on their Instagram (going realll deep in there), I eventually tire out and stop checking. My personal problem is when I like someone, I tend to stalk them. To be fair though, a lot of women do this. Currently, I’ve been trying to avoid checking this guy’s Instagram activity.. but failing. I keep going to this girl’s page (my ex-guy constantly likes her overtly sexual photos…which is also annoying fuckboy behavior), and I check to see if he likes or comments on her photos. It has been 18 hours since her last post, and he’s still at it liking, liking, liking. Ugh.

Sometimes I’m so frustrated that I mute the guy. Muting their posts and story actually helps. You’re still their friend on social media, but you don’t get constant reminders whenever they’re around. Out of sight, out of mind. But let’s be real, they’ll still be on your mind sometimes. If you REALLY want to forget this person and delete them from your life, change their caller ID to say “SPAM RISK” or “Telemarketer” and you’ll literally never pick up their call ever again. That’s low-key Black Mirror shit right there.

Treat Yourself

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This is a special occasion. Yes, moving on can be terrible, but this is your rebirth into You 2.0 or 3.0 or 100.0. Take yourself out to a spa day, a massage. Go shopping and get those shoes you wanted for awhile. Get your nails did. Hair. Splurge on that restaurant you wanted to check out. Get yourself a fruit tart. Even better, a sugar daddy (ok, maaaybe this one isn’t for everyone lol). You’ll be surprised what a little TLC can do for your wellbeing. There are several reasons why treating yourself can be good for your mental health, some of which include increased dopamine, being self-compassionate, less depression, and more.

Spend Time With Family and Friends

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I take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t think hanging out with my mother is a fantastic idea when I’m trying to move on from a dude. She can be unintentionally hypercritical and make me feel worse sometimes. I enjoy hanging out with my sister and my best childhood friends when I’m feeling down, happy, bored, hungry. I head towards them when I’m in this mood. They know me the best, and even if we end up doing nothing, at least I’m with something familiar, comfortable, safe, and secure. So when you’re feeling this way, surround yourself with people who love you. The only exception to this suggestion is if your love situation is like Romeo and Juliet (and it’s clearly true love), but you’re in warring families and you’re like 12 years old. Sorry, I guess I’m tired lol.

Don’t Do Anything Drastic

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Calm the fudge down. No need to quit your job (unless you have a better job lined up), don’t get a new pet, try a gang of new drugs, or do some crazy shit like steal a cop car. Try being as stable as possible when you’re getting over someone.. at least be stable financially and physically. Mentally, you’re probably a hot mess, but life’s just going to get harder if you add another hot mess unstable element to it. Take care of your body.. eat. Stay hydrated. Shower. Keep up good hygiene. Don’t completely neglect your health, that’s not gonna help anyone — especially you. You do not want to be that person who gets rushed to the ER because you fainted or you can’t walk anymore because you’re constipated from eating terribly. Think about those extra bills. This is already a transitional period for you — don’t make it harder on yourself. That’s just not smart and overall poor planning.

So that was 10 suggestions. I could go on. My next one would have been to try something new. I still fully suggest that. Obviously not something too crazy, but something interesting that would revitalize and distract you. Perhaps try surfing or boarding. Take a cooking class. Painting, art class. You just lost someone who had an important place in your heart, so there’s a painful void there. A new hobby won’t replace that void, but it’ll make the emptiness more bearable, and with time — you’ll be stronger, better than ever.

Moving on is not easy. I’ve been in and out of so many relationships that I’m practically a pro at it now, but even for someone like me who has a heart of thorns.. moving on is still something I struggle with. Sometimes, people just aren’t a good match for you, and that’s totally OK. The way I see it is this.. I can’t be the right person for everyone. The right person for me isn’t supposed to be easy to find. Another thing? I’m a believer in the right person finding me. When the time is right, when I’m at my full self, my dream guy will show up and I’ll be ready.

Okay that’s all!!! Work on those if you need. Please feel free to drop a comment or contact me if you have any questions or if you just want to show some love.

xo,
Homegirl.

To My Fellow Queens Wrapping Up 2019

I’ve been in a mood lately. Perhaps it’s the holiday blues, perhaps it’s because I’ve been working non-stop. One day I’m a bit down and I hate boys, another day I’m like today is amazing and I (still) hate boys. Lol. I’m starting to suspect I low-key have a mood disorder.

But yeah, it could just be the holidays.

Holidays are a time when people (should) want to be together. Some people like being alone and with their immediate loved ones or maybe just their partner. I’m a little in between where I like to hit up maybe one or two house parties, and then go back and cuddle with a significant other, smoke a little weed, binge watch a show I really like.

Some years I have a boyfriend while other years I’m alone.

I haven’t really shared my personal life on this blog since maybe last year, but in 2019, I went through some ups-and-downs. Overall? *drumroll* I think I lived my best life this year. I amicably ended a two-year relationship, I got my Masters, I moved into my friend’s conveniently located (and beautiful) townhouse, got a job straight out of school, and transitioned my way back into the adult world .. out of student life.

What About The JUICY STUFF?

In typical Homegirl fashion, I jumped straight back into dating. Except this time around, I wanted to do it on my terms. I wanted a guy to hit all my checkboxes, no exceptions this time. If he didn’t fit it, then I’m patient and I can wait. At the same time, I was also seeing multiple guys, being open about seeing multiple guys to guys I was seeing (I know), and telling these dudes that I didn’t want a relationship.

I mean, this is all true. I shouldn’t be jumping into another relationship so quickly. There’s so much I need to work on with myself. Like, c’mon give me maybe 5 more years, then I’ll be ready to settle down and nest. The problem is — at my core, I’m a relationship kind of girl.

Yeah… still trying to figure out what I want from men as I build my career.

There are several high-quality men I’m chatting with at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the Masters degree or that my money situation is a lot better these days, but the kind of guys I date now are guys I could only dream of dating when I was 21.

At 21, I was still going out with fuckboys. I loveeeed loser fuckboys with no job. And if they sold drugs or were in prison? Even better lol. I was certified insane when I was 21.

These days, I’m talking to doctors, business owners, CEOs, tech geniuses, ahh.. and models and IG personalities etc etc. And the kicker? They’re all hot. ALL OF THEM. Ripped hotties who want to take me out to proper dinners. WHO AM I? I don’t know.

What Changed?

Over the past few years, my personality hadn’t really changed much, but my mindset and self-respect definitely did. At the most basic level.. I respect myself, my time, and my mental space.

Respecting myself as in.. I don’t care who you are.. no matter how rich you are, how high your status is, how old you are — treat me like a human who is neither greater than or less than you. Equal. I was raised to be polite with manners, and I come from a culture that traditionally values submissive women, but if someone is being rude and talking down to me (especially a date who might make more or is older.. whatever), I don’t need to waste my time. There are plenty of other guys who are just as rich, handsome, confident, and successful as you who WON’T talk down to me. And those are the men that I want.

Respecting my time as in.. I’m a busy girl. Seriously, I am. I also really enjoy my allotted alone time every week. I work out, I love self-care, and I have my army of protective girlfriends and my sister to pay attention to. Guys ask me out regularly, so why would I go out of my way to pursue a dude who won’t text me to confirm a previously discussed time, or won’t give me details for where they’d like to take me out for a date? I would much rather be working out, at a steam room, getting my nails done (hair done, face done, legs and vagina done lol), writing, reading, partying, working……. SO MANY THINGS I’D RATHER DO than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t even have the respect to get back to me in a timely manner. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Guys who do that, especially in the beginning, are the kind of guys who will only get worse the more you accept that kind of behavior from them. Don’t have time for those kinds of dudes – that’s why they still single as hell.

Lastly, when I say respecting my mental space, and this is very important, I mean this. We all have a certain capacity for how much we can fit into our mental space every day before becoming exhausted, tired, fatigued. Whether it’s a friend or a relationship, if that person is sucking the life out of you to the point where you have no more mental energy to focus on bettering yourself or what’s truly important to you.. Let. *clap* That. *clap* Person. *clap* Go. Forreal. Whether it’s a friend or a guy who is bringing drama to your life, pointing out things about you that seem like criticism, or just pulling you into a state of anxiety and uncertainty… YEAHhhhhhh fuck that (not literally). Let them go.

And that’s all. Ever since I’ve adapted that kind of mentality, the quality of men I’ve been seeing have shot up. These men aren’t clingy, they’re equally busy, they have their share of female options as well, and did I mention….THEY’RE HOT?!

But here I am, all in my holiday feels, even though I am talking to several people. At the end of the day, I’m a relationship kind of girl… who thinks like a noncommittal single guy.. who craves companionship.. but also wants to be alone. Clearly, I’m still trying to figure out what I want for myself. I’m not as confused as I was earlier this year, but I’m also not like… I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF WHEN I WANT like a Type A weirdo. Ok maybe a bit.

Just going with the flow these days. I finally started getting the hang of my stressful but *hit the ground running* job, so I have more time to commit to myself and my passion projects. As I typed this blog entry up, I messaged my close girlfriends to kickstart our upcoming pop-psychology podcast we wanted to start – discussing our highs and woes of sex, life, love, and modern dating. We’re gonna drink some wine, talk psych, and hang out cause we’re all homegirls. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the catch-up! I swear, more posts to come.

Love you Queens,

Homegirl

How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 2

Oh. My. God. I’m so sorry it took so long for me to post a new blog. These past two months have been CURR-AYYY-ZEEE between school, my birthday, traveling, family visiting, and graduation. I know right? But now, you’re looking at Homegirl Confessions with a Masters Degree in Psychology. What what!

Now…to continue from my previous post (Re: How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 1), you’ve already had two months to work on maintaining a solid self-image and being more secure in yourself. You’ve had time to find out what is truly you. I hope you are all more beautiful men and women because of that re-frame.

If you’ve been sitting around eating junk food and watching Netflix during that time instead of working on yourself, which (let’s be real) is probably what happened, that’s completely OK too, but either way. I’m going to sum up the final steps for How to Win Over a Fuckboy.

So far, I basically just told you to make yourself independent, secure, and brave. Let me tell you something — most PEOPLE in general, respect a woman who has these characteristics. These are qualities that can possibly help you find a good relationship, better self-outlook, and sometimes even a new job.

Now that you’re well on your way to becoming your ideal self, it’s time to move on to the next few steps when interacting with your Fuck Boy.

STEP 4: Be a Little Less Friendly Than He is to You

In other words, act like a cool bitch. A patient cool bitch! Cool bitches don’t chase after men — they just don’t. Men chase them. Cool chicks know exactly who they are, and they know that if they act like the Needy chick, the Fuckboy can easily win, and they’ll always have the upper hand. DON’T PICK HIM UP ANYWHERE, DON’T PAY FOR HIM, DON’T KISS HIS ASS, DON’T GO TO HIM. Force that guy to invest time IN YOU. Because honey — you’re worth it.

But also, look at the situation.

For example, if he just flew back into town after spending the holidays with his family and he has NO ONE to pick him up from the airport because he left his car at home AND HE CALLS YOU AND YOU HAVE TIME. It’s OK to pick him up. That’s not needy or desperate, that’s called being a good friend because you’re available. But also emphasize that he owes you dinner in exchange. NOT DICK. Actual dinner.

STEP 5: Try Not To Sleep With Him…Just Tease.

This is when these steps start getting real hard. Practicing self-control and keeping your boundaries up early on in the relationship…blah.

Don’t be easy, even if deep down inside, you knows you’s a hoe. AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A HOE, BABYGIRL. WE ARE ALL HOES. But if you’re trying to get a guy you really want — try using a dildo instead or something and keep it in your pants. The end game is to trap his ass right? Leave him intrigued and fantasizing.

BUT. And this is a big BUT. It’s ultimately up to you if you wanna sleep with your fuckboy. Perhaps you’re someone who can emotionally handle having sex with him right away. I mean, it’s 2019. Times are changing. However, if you MUST sleep with him, I suggest GETTING THE FUDGE OUT of his place immediately. Don’t stay. Don’t cling. Don’t linger. If you’re gonna sleep with him, own your sexuality and independence and BIZOUNCE.

STEP 6: Know Your Worth

When you’re in a relationship with a good man, he will make sure you know what you’re worth. However, with a fuckboy–these guys all seem to have an uncanny ability to make you feel like you’re never good enough. FORREAL. They may talk about how they used to (or still) date beautiful women, successful women, amazing women, etc. Maybe that’s what attracts you to them, but a good man…would never make you feel less than. He’ll make you feel like he won the lottery with you.

Since you’re trying to WIN OVER A FUCKBOY…it is YOUR JOB to know your own worth. Don’t expect your fuckboy to validate you. I mean, sometimes they will validate you and make you feel like you’re on top of the world with just a teeny little compliment. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you to know how amazing you are and how LUCKY that guy is to have you in his life. Trust, this faith in yourself will translate into CONFIDENCE. I’m telling you. There is nothing like an empowered woman to make a fuckboy feel like he’s gotta work a little harder.

STEP 7: Date Other Guys

I dated this guy before, we had a great night, and we went out to get coffee the next day. Basically, he told me that he didn’t want to make it weird if I ran into him and he was with another girl–because he was seeing other people.

My reaction? “Oh! That’s cool, I’m seeing other people too.” *I look relieved and flash him my beautiful smile*

Based on his reaction, it caught him by surprise. But I mean…I really was seeing other people, and there was no point lying to him.

Let’s say I was ONLY seeing him and no one else. ALL my attention was on this one dude that I just slept with, and he just told me he was seeing other people. I would have (probably) been real hurt or angry. I would have felt disposable. I would have felt a need to compete. I might have felt less than. Insecure. A bunch of feels.

Personally, I still woulda told him I’m seeing other people.

When you’re dating other guys, your attention is divided. You and Fuckboy are on the same page about dating, same playing field, EQUAL.

He’s got options? You got options too, girl.

STEP 8: Be Direct With What You Want

OK. So. Think about the advice I’ve given you so far. If you go step-by-step, you might have realized that another issue in your relationship with Fuckboy has arisen. Think about it. You’re casually sleeping with him (or not) and you’ve made it known (or not) that you’re seeing other guys and you’re super duper confident and know your worth.

Another reason why your Fuckboy might be acting like a Fuckboy might be because you’ve carried yourself like this so far. He might think you’re OK the way things are. He still gets to sleep with you and other girls, he doesn’t need to commit, and he knows you’re cool AF. This is when you need to straighten him out.

BE DIRECT WITH HIM AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. Or leave.

If you’ve been acting hella cool and you’ve hung out with this dude for about half a year already, it’s safe to say that a fair amount of time has passed by for him to know whether or not he wants to be with you. Be direct about being exclusive, and let him know that if he’s not gonna do that, you’re gonna have to move on. At the end of the day, you’re not looking to collect fuck buddies. You’re looking for a REAL, HONEST, MATURE relationship.

No one can read your mind. If you want something, say you want it. But also, be prepared for him to say no too. Respect yourself and walk away.

PERHAPS. Your Fuckboy just needs time to think and process your request to be exclusive. Give him a week or two to mull things over, and then if things still don’t change, it’s time to break things off — or even better yet, just ignore the dude until you’ve processed everything fully. Definitely, don’t pick up his drunk calls.

Make him get used to not depending on you and not having you around. Make him miss you.

STEP 9: Make a Decision

Do you want to wait for him or do you think you deserve more? Whatever you decide, don’t keep changing your mind like a confused flip-flopper. I am notorious for changing my mind. I tell people that sometimes, I feel like I’m in a constant state of confusion because making decisions…yeah, that’s not my forte.

I legit FELL IN LOVE with King Fuckboy a couple years ago. Honestly, he was starting to change his ways, and I had gotten all the way to this step right hurr. He told me he wasn’t talking to other girls anymore, and he was there to support me whenever I needed. It was what I was asking from him all along — except he never explicitly said he was gonna stop banging other girls.

Perhaps I was just scared of taking a risk at the time, but I ultimately made the decision to leave him. I weighed out my feelings vs. my BRAIN and logic. If I decided to be with this guy, I felt like he would cheat on me. He didn’t really take me out on dates that required him to spend money (even tho he was pretty successful). He also *and I emphasize this one is probably the most important* he never went down on me. AHEM AHEM. DEAL BREAKER.

So no matter how much I loved this dude, I couldn’t imagine dealing with the bad stuff long term. That was my decision that I stuck with. BUT…if I ran into this guy TOMORROW, after not interacting with him for a couple years already — I honestly believe that he would approach our relationship differently.

But if I had made a decision to leave…and then I came back…and then I changed my mind…He would lose respect for me. He would get used to the disappearing and coming back. He would treat me worse over time. Don’t put yourself in that loop.

STEP 10: The Long Game

For me, I like to play the long game. I wait at least a month before contacting him back, and I’m mentally prepared to never talk to him again. Why?

A part of the reason why the Fuckboy treats you the way he does is BECAUSE he doesn’t really know you that well or for that long. He doesn’t trust you. Or because you have ALLOWED him to act this way towards you for so long that he’s just used to it. However, if you wait a month, two months, half a year, a year…whatever. You’re OFFICIALLY a girl he has had history with who has previously put her foot down. When you two eventually reconnect, he’ll have a little bit more respect for you than he did before.

You’d be amazed how being patient can change things. It can somehow build trust and loyalty where there was none, simply because you’ve known each other for a longer period of time. Conversation is weird at first, but when it keeps going, you’ll start speaking with each other more comfortably, with familiarity. You’re honest about things you haven’t been before.

This is the time when you’re no longer just that girl he was sleeping with. You’re [insert name here]. The cool girl who got away. That enigma.

Beware though — there’s a chance he might have a girlfriend by then. But if he’s really a fuckboy…he won’t. Not so quickly. Maybe. I don’t know.

Conclusion

So…I hope ya’ll know. This post got a little confusing around the end. It’s because this method can honestly go either way. As I mentioned in my previous Fuckboy post…they keep on evolving. Changing. Dating is changing. Etiquette is changing.

Even though this method has worked for me in the past, it has also created a lot of open-ended relationships with guys I’ve once dated. Yes, it’s helped me get long-term boyfriends, but they’ve also snagged me a lot of toxic dudes who wouldn’t let go as well.

I get messages from guys 2, 5, 10 years later saying that they felt like they made the wrong choice before with me. That I got under their skin. That means I win right? No. I MADE THAT CHOICE. NOT YOU FUCKBOY. This situation sucks because oftentimes by the time they contact me, these guys are with other women long-term–not me. BUT. When you re-frame…I wouldn’t wanna be that woman they’re with now because their man is still messaging other women !!!!! Does that make sense?

So what I’m saying is that my steps…aren’t foolproof. But HEY. There’s no one-stop guide to life. We just live it the best we can ya’ll.

A lot of other factors come into play too for the Fuckboy when he’s deciding whether or not he wants to be with you only. For example, how attractive are you to him? He might be shallow AF and just like you for your nice rack. Also, is he a super rich dude and you a super ghetto girl? There might be issues that come up with unequal financial status. Same with education, age, life habits, friends you have, etc. Normal dating stuff if you ask me.

Now that I’m older, there’s absolutely nothing I find sexier than RESPONSIBILITY, RESPECTING YOUR WOMAN, LOYALTY, HUMILITY, and TAKING INITIATIVE WITH YOUR LIFE. A Fuckboy might have a few of these qualities, but never all of them. I look for the guy who has all of them. Now, that might not be for you–if that’s the case, check out my Perfect Man Method.

OK, my brain seriously hurts now.

Homegirl OUT.

How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 1

Fuckboys.

Whenever the subject of Fuckboys come up, I either feel like I know everything about them or absolutely nothing at all. While Urban Dictionary or a simple Google search can offer endless answers, chances are, if you’re reading this post, you already know damn well what a Fuckboy is…and you also want to *shivers* learn how to win them over.

Defining the Fuckboy aka Fuckboiii

To the girl who is in love with the Fuckboy, they might not be a Fuckboy to you. They might just be this kind of guy:

• A guy who means well, but he just makes a lot of mistakes when it comes to dating.
• A guy who likes you and is really sweet, but he’s got too much going on in his life right now to even think about relationships.
• A guy that a lot of girls seem to be going after…it’s not his fault he’s such a catch that he attracts a lot of women.
• A guy who still needs to figure himself out internally, so he doesn’t want anything serious, but still wants to date you at the same time.
• His friends are fuckboys–not him.

Don’t be in denial ya’ll. If you want to truly conquer the Fuckboy, you first MUST acknowledge him for who he is in all his shameful glory. If you don’t know what the definition of a Fuckboy is, here are some of my personal definitions, which I assure you are 1000% accurate lol:

• A fuckboy is a boy who thinks he’s a man, but he’s really not. He’s a sheep in wolve’s clothing. He’s just an embodiment of qualities he mistakenly THINKS are considered manly, such as being a douche, being a player/womanizer, and being disproportionately smug and confident about himself.
• A fuckboy is a guy who bombards you with messages after meeting you once, saying weird ass shit like “you’re the one for me” or “if I were your man, I’d never leave you” or (my personal favorite) “you’re perfect. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
• A fuckboy is a manchild who is clear about NOT wanting anything serious with you, but he will still try to hang out with you in an ambiguous and questionably flirty manner. All the while, he’s posting pics up online with him hanging with a buncha other bitches like that’s normal and cool.
• A fuckboy is a guy who is overwhelmed with too many romantic options, and his greedy ass wants to pick everyone. Or just have sex for the hell of it even if it’s at the risk of leading you on. This kind of fuckboy might also have a large penis–and you’re probably in love with it.
• A fuckboy is a guy who might already be unavailable, he could have a longterm girlfriend, yet he’ll still go after you–regardless of your situation, and act as if he truly wants to be with you.

In a nutshell, a Fuckboy is the “well-intentioned” player who doesn’t mean to hurt you, lead you on, or act like a douche — but he will inevitably do so….and in a dramatic, shocking, assholish, and unpredictable fashion. They are the asshole that refuses to acknowledge he’s an asshole, even though he walks, talks, and breaths bullshit.

Analyzing the Fuckboy

It seems that Fuckboys come in all different shapes and sizes these days. They can be handsome, ugly, young, old, preppy, nerdy, tall, short, fat, scrawny, whatever — these guys just keep evolving. They don’t even have to be charming anymore! They’re just regular ass dudes who seem unattainable. In the past, there were the “players” or the “bad boys,” but those guys grew out of fashion, and with the millennial generation emerged the swaggery, misunderstood Fuckboy.

If you peel back the dapperly-dressed layers of the modern Fuckboy, you’ll oftentimes find a guy who’s deeply insecure about his own life. Also–chances are, he’s probably had his heart broken by a Fuckgirl (will talk about this bitch in my next post), so not committing and acting aloof might just be their defense mechanism against getting hurt again.

It’s almost as if some of these guys heard the term “nice guys finish last” SO MANY TIMES when they were younger, but at the same time, they also didn’t want to be a dickhead–that they seemed to have internalized the two concepts. As a result, they turned into a “sort of asshole” but not a complete one. .. Have I lost you? Lol.

Why am I Writing This Post?

At this point, you Fuckboy-smitten girls are probably wondering….”if this chick hates Fuckboys so much, why is she writing an article about how to win them over?”

Well…I used to be obsessed with Fuckboys. As it turns out, I have quite the talent for attracting these special types of a-holes. Even now!! Except now, they don’t phase me at all. I repeat, FUCKBOYS HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME. In fact, the more fuckboy-ish they act, the less I’m interested.

After 15 years of dating Fuckboys, and even being married to a Fuckboy and Master Manipulating Alcoholic Manchild, it’s safe to say that I’ve had what feels like a lifetime of experience dealing with and observing Fuckboys.

So my simple answer to the WHY is this: ...because I like winning. Behind my kind face and overall helpfulness and sass, I can be quite the spiteful and vindictive bitch who thinks all Fuckboys should go down. But before taking them down, one first needs to know how to win them over.

Therefore, it’s my duty to pass on my knowledge to women who don’t have as much experience dealing with them as I do.

SO…How Do You Win Over the Fuckboy?

STEP 1: Know Yourself, the Good and the Bad

I might have known everything about how to identify a Fuckboy in my early 20s, but I didn’t really know much about myself back then. I wasn’t aware of my behavior, and I wasn’t mindful about the way I portrayed myself.

When I was a young’n, I craved risk, danger, excitement, whirlwind romances, and spontaneity–all of that packaged into one hot guy. I was a sucker for the Fuckboy, and the ones I usually hung around were handsome, popular, charming — and they happened to attract all the ladies.

I was a different kind of girl back then. I was dependent. Needy. Hungry for validation and attention. Insecure. Jealous. Cared WAY too much. Wanted to spend every minute with Fuckboy. I was invested. I was controlling. Suspicious (still suspicious). I was way too nice. I would put my own time aside to spend time with the Fuckboy at the drop of a hat.

Back then, I was able to attract the Fuckboy, but because of those traits listed in the previous paragraph, I was never able to keep them for long. Secret? NO GUY is ever seriously into a girl like that, and if they are — you need to run away from those dudes as fast as you can.

In identifying my positive qualities, I was also very intelligent (school-wise) and extremely accomplished before I was even old enough to drink. I wish my parents woulda told me this when I was growing up, but I was always beautiful enough, smart enough, and good enough. And if a guy cannot see that–he is absolutely not worth it.

STEP 2: Be the Best Version of Yourself

After learning more about yourself, try changing your bad habits and grow your strengths. Keep in mind that fuckboys will still fuck an insecure and dependent girl, but they would NEVER commit to a longterm relationship with one if they can help it. Also, since fuckboys usually like to surround themselves with a lot of other women, you might have some pretty stiff competition. You want stand out from the pack, be a better woman than all of them.

Let’s say you want to be more independent. If you have trouble being alone, try watching a movie in theaters by yourself. Going out to a restaurant on your own. Or maybe even something simple like going to the gym on your own. If you normally need to be with a guy 24/7 or you’re needy af, try spending some quality time with your own friends, add a fun activity to your daily life, or fill up your time doing something meaningful (unrelated to the Fuckboy) for yourself. You might feel self-conscious, lame, and very uncomfortable at first–but I promise you’ll feel more empowered afterwards.

As for acknowledging your strengths. Are you amazing at fashion? Take some steps to create your own fashion empire. Good at decorating? Remake your home. You enjoy reading? Start a book club. There’s no way you’re terrible at everything, and even if you are, it’s not like great people started off being great. Once the Fuckboy sees that you’re doing things that make you happy, growing as a person, and doing YOUR OWN THING, they’ll take notice. They’ll also respect you more for it.

STEP 3: Have Your Own Life Away from Him

Surround yourself with other friends–maybe even *gasp* other guys. When I was younger, I would wait around my house all day, waiting for the Fuckboy to call me. Or maybe I’d even text him first. I would go to work yeah, but in the back of my mind, I’d always wonder if he’d call and ask me out to dinner at his place or mine. My life would revolve around the Fuckboy to the point where I was neglecting invites to hang out with other friends. Sometimes, there’d be an event going on at work, and I’d skip them to hang out with the Fuckboy.

Are you always driving to his place? Are you dropping plans with other people to hang out with him? Have your own life away from the Fuckboy!! AND LET HIM KNOW IT. If he asks you out and you have plans already, SAY NO….and then offer a somewhat vague, future date or DON’T offer an alternate date at all. Most of the time, the Fuckboy will text you back (yes, text). And if he doesn’t? He doesn’t like you–at least not enough.

Remember that HE’S the one who needs to find time in your life. Make that dude work a little. You, my friend, are an in-demand woman who knows who she is, knows how to be strong and independent, and YOU HAVE A LIFE that doesn’t involve doting on this guy who can’t keep his dick in his pants.

If you’ve truly done the first two steps, this step should be easy. The psychology behind this step is simple. Unless that Fuckboy you’re after is actually a Narcissistic asshole, he does not want to be the center of your world. However, if he knows that you might be too busy, or losing interest in him, he’ll sense that — and he’ll try harder. Trust, having your own life is a good thing.

…….And that’s it for now. The second part to this post will be up next week. I’ll go through the last SIX STEPS in How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 2. In the meantime, practice the first three steps. If you’re doing it right, you’ll realize those steps take much longer than you’d expect. But I swear, if you follow it and work on yourself — you’ll feel so rewarded afterwards. You’ll also be ready to continue the next steps to winning over the Fuckboy.

If you liked this post, you might also like The Perfect Man Method, which teaches you how to find your perfect guy.

Make him your bitch, girl.

Love,
Homegirl

Dealing with Rude People

I feel the need to talk about this subject because…well, it just feels like I’ve been encountering very rude people lately. You see, the kind of energy I tend to give off is very positive, encouraging, and supportive, so when someone comes into my life spraying poison and negativity all over the place guns a blazing…I notice.

This was, and still is, a big issue for me, especially when it comes to responding back to rude people. I seem to have only two gears, both of which are the polar opposite of each other. I’m like Winston from New Girl when he pulls pranks — they’re either too little or too much (Watch video here). In other words, I either underreact and let the rude person get away with their bad behavior, or I overreact and cuss them out and then some.

After working for years at an entertainment company, learning valuable info about therapy and psychology in grad school, and going through general life bullshit, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to respond to rude people. My answer is to either ignore them, assert my opinion and rationally explain the facts, or kill them with kindness.

If you’re a crazy person like I can be sometimes though, ignoring them can be hard. At the same time, asserting yourself might be tricky as well. I remember sending a friendly message (or at least I thought it was friendly) to a fellow freelance writer before. A little background, we were responsible for double-checking whether or not someone else had already written about a particular topic, and I saw that she pitched an idea that I had already done. In my friendly message, I just told her that I had written it before–and her response was kind of aggressive.

Me: Hi *Chick, I saw that you posted this idea, I wanted to let you know that I already wrote that one! *insert article link here* You might have missed it, but I wanted to give you a heads up before the editor notices it.

Her: I don’t care if she rejects it or not. You wrote an article that was greenlit, and it was pretty much the same as mine and no one said anything. Why don’t you mind your own business?

*PAUSE*

This is when I was thinking to myself, “OK THIS BITCH.” If this were in person, I’d be ready to take off my earrings and throw down. Lol, jk I wouldn’t. I took a few minutes to cool down before responding.

Me: I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I sent you that message as a courtesy.

Her: No you didn’t.

Me: I did. I’ve read your articles, and I think you’re a great writer. There’s plenty of articles to go around for both of us, so there’s really no reason for me to be upset.

So you saw what I did in my response? Old me would have been like, “You’re fucking crazy, stupidass bitch.” and then try to make her feel dumb and then threaten her lol. New and improved me is still the same girl, but a different story. I’m an adult now and I need to learn how to get along with other people, even if I don’t like them. You ever hear the term “Kill them with kindness”?

What was bonkers is that after I responded that way, she became very friendly. It was weird. That bitch was legit insane. She Facebook friended me and she asked if I wanted to go out and get bubble tea with her. WHO DOES THAT? Anyways, things were dandy after that exchange. She eventually got fired because the editor deemed her “too defensive,” which was true. I occasionally look at her Facebook and read her rants. It seems like she regularly gets into fights with her friends as well.

Back to my topic. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH RUDE PEOPLE? Well, here are a few questions to consider before you impulsively respond.

Are you reading too much into it?
Sometimes, people just have bad messaging etiquette. It’s uncanny. I’ve emailed and texted with people who just seemed so short and rude, but then in person, they’re actually the sweetest. Maybe they’re just being normal, and YOU’RE actually the one who’s being too sensitive. This is my rule of thumb for gauging whether or not you’re reading too much into something. If it’s a *questionable* statement that can go either way, I ignore it. However, if it’s blatantly rude like the one you see above…they’re using “you” in an attacking manner or if they’re like *Chick above and they say, “why don’t you mind your own business?” Stand up for yourself, but remember to do it in a classy way. REMEMBER, KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.

Are they projecting their insecurities onto you?
Maybe someone had a bad day. Maybe they just broke up or someone died. Maybe they’re busy and everyone’s bombarding them, and they just flipped. Recognize the situation. If you feel like someone is verbally attacking you, but the things that they’re saying are absolutely untrue, it might be that they’re just projecting their own feelings onto you. Whenever I recognize that this is the kind of person I’m dealing with, I avoid them. I understand though that when I’m a therapist one day, it’ll be different. In therapy, they teach you how to be like Teflon, letting this bullshit just slide off you. Stay true to yourself and YOU KNOW who you are, don’t listen to them. In fact, it makes me feel better simply reminding myself that this person might just be so deeply insecure that they feel the need to be rude to others. It actually ends up making me feel sad about their situation.

Are they socially awkward?
Believe it or not, there are people who are just emotional robots. They don’t know how to properly respond, react, or communicate with others. These people tend to be blunt in their exchanges, and though they don’t mean to come off this way, their lack of empathetic words, emojis, intonations, and overall blank expressions might translate to others as rudeness. If you’ve observed this person already, and you know they’re socially awkward like this, my advice is to get used to it. Unless they’re blatantly being super rude in a way that will impact, I dunno, a working relationship or something or they’re your underling at work and their behavior is getting in the way of communicating with others, there’s really no need to say anything. Think about it. If they’re socially awkward, they’re probably either really nice inside or a sociopath inside. You wouldn’t want to react badly in either situation.

Are they being defensive?
Maybe you were the one who said something wrong. Maybe what sounds like just your average everyday speech is actually you making someone feel bad. Maybe you’re the one who said something offensive. Did you talk about their parents, kids, friends, family? You might have thought you were being nice, but did you say something mean about fat people, gay people, minorities, or a certain group? Perhaps they identify with that group. Maybe you were just trying to be funny or amicable, but your joke just fell short. People say that in every joke, there’s a little bit of truth. I personally hate being trolled by people–I think that people who spend their time bringing others down for fun need to go see me in therapy because you need to address that shit. See, in that sentence alone, I probably offended some trolls. The world needs more people who want to build others up. I love those people.

Are they just plain mean and condescending?
If they are, don’t waste your energy on them. They might not be deeply insecure, they might just think they’re better than you. There are people like this in the world. I’ve grown to believe that I’m equal to everyone. NO ONE is above or below me no matter who they are. I don’t care if you’re famous or you make a lot more money than I do. I don’t care if you’re older than I am or if you’re more educated than I am. I am confident enough in myself as a person and the things that I do to recognize that I’m happy. If someone is being mean and condescending to you and they’re your boss, you can quit and find another job or secretly make their life miserable. Like put little pieces of shit in their office. If they’re mean and condescending and they’re not your boss? Ohh…*rubs hands together* get ready to throw down.

I’m just kidding, just walk away. When I’m in that situation, I look them straight in the eye and I tell them. I don’t care how wealthy you are, and I don’t care about your job, or how smart or popular you are. I judge people by their character, and right now, you’re acting like a condescending pretentious piece of shit…

And then I would go into full cuss mode.

Anyways, that’s how I deal with rude people. LOL. Honestly, killing assholes with kindness has been working for me the past few years. Nothing’s more annoying than someone who’s trying to insult you, but there you are, with a shitass eating grin on your face acting all classy and nice. It makes them look bad, and it gives you POWER.

I’m sure there are some bits of reasonable advice in there. Hope you guys have a lovely day! Feel free to drop a comment below.

xoxo,

Homegirl.

STORYTIME: My First Heartbreak

This is an “excerpt” from my old journal, which I named “The Diary of a Battered Women: A Comedy.” It talks about how I’m finally starting to feel truly single and independent, which is a monumental achievement for me considering I’ve been obsessed with boys since the ripe age of 12 years old. I think about why I turned out the way I did, and I try to figure out when it all started. If you want to read my STORYTIME posts from the beginning, start from my first one: Moving Back Home and keep going until my story stops!

Perhaps it’s because the boys front has been quiet for a couple days, but I feel truly single. At least right now. I have a ton of things to do in my personal life, so realistically…I shouldn’t even be thinking about men. However, it is always lingering.

Is this my addiction? A desire to feel needed by a man, always? The more I think about it, the more I truly feel it’s a problem. My desire to feel adored by a man that I actually want is suffocating–deeper than any other vice I have. Weed, cigarettes, alcohol. Damn. Sometimes, I just want to turn my emotions off.

Is it because I’ve been in nonstop relationships ever since I was young? Another problem of mine is this… *breathe*

Whenever I meet a really hot guy that I’m actually interested in, I fucking SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE. Sure, I’m being free and spontaneous and just giving no fucks because I don’t want a relationship, but I seriously need to stop that shit.

*Repeating to myself*

“Need to be a classy lady, need to be a classy lady.”

I think I have trouble concentrating on my own personal goals because I’m so used to a man being THERE for me in order for me to function. Instead of focusing on being independent first, I always found that being with a man helped give me the strength to be productive.

Think about it. I’ve been a serial dater since I was 16. There has always been a guy in my life–supporting me, listening to me, giving me attention. After nearly two decades of this, it’s no wonder why I can’t function when I’m alone. Truly alone.

When I was 12, I was accepted into a prestigious exam school. It was basically Hogwarts except for the fact that it was all work and no magic. You were considered a highschooler starting in 7th grade, and needless to say, when I started–I was terrible at school.

I barely scored passing grades. It got so bad that when I was 13 and on the brink of flunking out of my classes, I finally decided to go see an after-school tutor. The school provided an option for kids my age to receive guidance from older, honor roll students.  I ended up being assigned to this nerdy stud, let’s call him Tim.

Tim was a couple years older, super smart, and looking to build his resume. He wasn’t quite the looker, but his talent, potential, and sheer confidence was simultaneously nerve-racking and attractive to me. He was my first real crush, and for all the right reasons, and I was absolutely infatuated with him. Perhaps it was because I looked old for my age, but he could tell I had a crush on him, and he ended up asking me out.

I think our first date was at the library in the city. We simply walked around, did some chatting, and maybe got some Starbucks frappucinos like any normal high school couple. From an outsider’s perspective, we looked the same age. Blah. But when you’re a 15-year-old boy and your girlfriend is 13, it’s a huge age and maturity gap. Even though I looked older, it did not cover up the fact that I acted like a child. A way younger child than him. Not to mention, I didn’t take school seriously…because I was 13 and I was obsessed with my boyfriend. Our priorities weren’t aligned.

Tim and I dated for the grand total of three months, but I know he felt my immaturity and lack of focus–because…well, he eventually dumped me. DUN, DUN, DUN. My first heartbreak!

I remember it clear as day. It was raining and Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together” just came out on the radio. It was an average day, and I wanted Tim to come over to my place, so we could hang out. As we were walking to the bus station, he told me he needed to talk to me, ah, that’s the line. We needed to talk, but he wouldn’t tell me until I was safely at home. On the bus, I repeatedly asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said no.

“If you’re breaking up with me, just say the word ‘meatloaf’ or something so I know.” I told him. He simply laughed it off, stayed quiet, and looked out the bus window as we got closer to my house.

After walking me back to my apartment, he sat me down in my bedroom and explained that I was just too young. He needed to focus on school. He wanted so many things for himself, and he just wasn’t ready to have a serious girlfriend just yet. It was a distraction. His friends all made fun of him for having a young girlfriend. He was too busy to give me the attention I wanted.

Where was my head at the entire time? In my 13-year-old heart, it felt like my world was crumbling down. I blurted out, “…you never said MEATLOAF!”

I ran from him and locked myself in the bathroom to cry. He waited outside for a few minutes, trying to comfort me from the other side of the bathroom door, but I was too busy breaking down. Tim ended up leaving. I was huddled in there crying for a full hour after I heard the front door close, before finally going back out. At the time, it felt like my reality had shifted.

 

Damn, memories of my first heartbreak. It hurt like a bitch. I remember it took me two years to move on from Tim, but during that time, I decided that maybe if I got my shit together, worked hard to receive good grades, become a high-ranked student, joined the volleyball team like he did and become GOOD, I would eventually win him back.

*Eye Roll*

So there you go, my main motivation to become successful and strong was all centered around a boy. I eventually did become an honor student. I became captain of my varsity volleyball team, became a prominent student, and I got a full scholarship to college. I faced my deepest fears, from trying out for a sports team to singing solo on stage in front of a packed auditorium. I joined the school newspaper, choir–I did everything. 

By the time I achieved these goals, I had attracted other guys…more attractive, more successful, more intelligent, and I eventually moved on. Tim’s opinion didn’t matter to me anymore. Despite doing all these things to win Tim back, I had changed into someone else entirely.

No wonder 15 years later, I’m caught up in this fucked up dilemma, rethinking my decisions and my lifestyle. If my main foundation for success was all sparked and maintained by GUYS, where could I find my own drive for ambition? Right now, I feel so close to finding it on my own, but a part of me still lost, trying to find the way.

My friend Tyler (recap: Who Keeps the Dog? Stealing Simba Back From My Crazy Ex) got to know me over the past few weeks, and he said that I need to love myself more.

Perhaps that’s true.

Perhaps before pursuing men, or burying myself in male distractions, I needed to learn how to care about my own wellbeing and health. Maybe in order for me to grow into my ideal self, I first need to practice self-control, restraint, and patience, because eventually, the right person will come along WHEN I’M READY.

So.

I know the right things to do. The hard part is putting it into practice and following through. That’s all for now.

Love,

Homegirl

Is There a Limit to Kindness?

Be generous. Be kind. Be humble. Be caring. Be considerate. Be polite.

These are all values I’ve learned growing up, but a part of me kind of wishes my parents drilled in other values instead. For example, be strong. Be opinionated. Be proud. Be smart. Be thoughtful.

These were values that I sort of instilled in myself throughout the years after looking at my peers. I noticed that the most successful, and believe it or not, well-liked individuals, were actually the ones who weren’t afraid to be opinionated, strong-willed, stubborn, and yeah–super braggy. Meanwhile, those who were more like me…a bit timid and shy though a perfect embodiment of all the former values…we were largely ignored and overlooked.

Jennifer Kim, a blogger for Psychology Today and Valley Girl With a Brain, talks about the dangers of being too nice, especially in today’s cutthroat society. Kim admits, “People tell us that the best way to achieve this is by being nice to other people: Give compliments, share your food, buy them gifts, etc.” She goes on to explain that in her case, “The strange thing was that even though I did nice things for people, I still rarely felt like anyone genuinely accepted me or that I was building deeper friendships.”

In my experience, this statement rings true. It didn’t seem to matter how nice I was to others. When I actually thought about it, people didn’t really start to want to get to know me until I began voicing my own opinions, caring more about myself, and pulled back from hanging out with them. I dunno, I still think this way of thinking is sort of fucked up.

Even at work, I noticed that the assistants who were treated with the most respect were the ones who were rude, impatient, and complained a lot. Not the ones who were flexible or amenable. Even though people talked so much shit about them behind their back, they would treat those guys with the most respect–give them the promotions and raises.

Dr. Sherry Pagoto, an associate professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, theorizes that being too nice, which would technically label you as a people pleaser, comes from one’s fear of being rejected or fear of failure. While most people pleasers are going out of their way to help others though–they often forget their own self-care.

YES, this shit all resonates with me. Dammit! But at the same time, it also deeply confused and disappointed me.

Someone once told me that I was “Nice to a Fault,” and though they were well-meaning, it honestly made me feel like I was being called a pushover or a doormat. Who wants to be a doormat? I mean…maybe, I am. But after they called me that, I kept asking myself, “Is there really a limit to kindness?” SHOULD THERE BE A FUCKING LIMIT TO KINDNESS?

That term went against the values I was taught– and it honestly made me angry. It unraveled what I knew to be right, and twisted it into something negative. But at the same time, the term Nice to a Fault just couldn’t leave my head. I was forced to think about it seriously.

After much pondering and mulling things over, I had to give in. OK yeah, there’s definitely a limit to kindness. However, I’m not going to go and tell someone not to be nice–as long as they’re comfortable with who they are.

This is still related, I swear — but I have a really good friend named Samy. He’s a simple guy. Most of his work experience has been working at restaurants. He has the voice of an angel and big dreams to make it in the music industry. He’s not the biggest or strongest guy, but he’s sassy and you guessed it–kind to a fault.

He’s the type of person who would help a stranger, no questions asked, even if it meant putting his own safety at risk.

I know this about him because I was one of those strangers he helped.

In fact, it was kind of a dangerous choice on his part to help me–because my ex could have really hurt him. The smart decision would have been to stay out of it. I already shared the story of my toxic husband in detail, and I don’t remember if I mentioned Samy in it exactly, but he played an integral role in helping me get out of that situation.

Without getting into too many details, the point is that Samy helped me during a point in my life when I really needed it. Even though he barely even knew me, as a direct result of his kindness, he saved me from a really bad situation. It takes an overly kind person to do this for someone, especially when they aren’t your friend like that, but ever since then–I’ve looked at Samy as a hero.

I guess the moral of the story is not to knock on people who are Nice to a Fault. Yes, there are so, so many risks and dangers that come with being too nice–especially towards those who don’t deserve your kindness. But at the end of the day, you never really know what can happen. You might end up being at the receiving end of their kindness one day, and you’ll be thankful that there are people like this in the world.

That being said — I think I’ll just integrate kindness AND strength into my mindset. ALL OF THOSE VALUES that I mentioned above actually. I think as long as there’s a balance between being kind to others and being kind to yourself….. OK getting distracted. Um OK, thank you for reading my verbal vomit.

Love,
Homegirl

Ted Talk: Crazy Love

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of CRAZY LOVE, a book that chronicles a time in her life when she became a victim of domestic violence. She came out with this Ted Talk, which is meant to help victims of domestic violence recognize signs and patterns, and the talk also addresses those who just don’t know much about these types of relationships. I think her Ted Talk very engagingly educates those who aren’t familiar with the tiny manipulations that occur within an abusive relationship, and it definitely hits close to home for me.

Here’s a link to the clip:

Why does this relate to my life? As you might have read from my previous posts (The Story of My Toxic Husband & How to Identify Toxic Relationships), I was in one of these relationships not too long ago. I tried to leave my abusive ex 11 times before I finally did, but it was thanks to my friends and family that I was even able to get out of that difficult situation in the first place. At the time, I was under a lot of financial stress, I was isolated from my support systems, I was crazy in love, and I felt like no one would ever be able to understand what I was going through without thinking I was an absolute dumbass.

It wasn’t until one night when he came home drunk, whacked my head against the wall by my ponytail, threw our 4-month old puppy across the room, and destroyed our apartment — all while his mom and sister were visiting — when I finally realized I needed to get out of this type of relationship. The relationship tore me apart and destroyed everything that I had built and worked for during my entire adult life so far.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons from that relationship and re-pieced myself back together into a stronger woman since then, but even now after a few years of dealing and coping, I still hear condescending and judgemental shit from people who might mean well, but they just aren’t educated about domestic violence.

“We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question ‘Why does she stay?’ is code for some people for ‘It’s her fault for staying’ as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.”

There’s no certain type of girl who gets into an abusive relationship. It can happen to anyone who doesn’t know the signs — love-bombing, isolation, gaslighting, tiny manipulations… Being a victim of domestic violence isn’t something as simple as the guy going “Hey, want to leave all your friends, give me all your money, and let me beat you senseless?” It’s a gradual process that most women don’t even realize is happening until way further down the line, when they’re already heavily invested.

So instead of judging and blaming the victim (ugh, hate that word), perhaps learn a little bit and educate yourself. Practice a bit of empathy and see outside of your own perspective. Anyways, I thought this Ted Talk explained the message pretty clearly–for those who have survived domestic violence as well as those who are currently going through this.

Enjoy the Ted Talk!

-S

Take Care of Yourself First

Before you can take care of other people, you need to learn how to take care of yourself first.

There are several types of people in the world. There are those people in society who are utterly selfish and narcissistic. For example, that ex of yours who just couldn’t stop making everything about him/herself. Or that aunt who would waste hours of family time staring at herself in the mirror. And then there are those people who are on the complete other end of the spectrum. Those are the ones I’m talking about in this post.

These people aren’t as clearcut as the selfish/narcissistic individual, and they come in many forms. They could be an overprotective parent, a needy spouse, a micromanaging coworker, a bossy friend…etc, the list goes on. This person could even be you.

What these people all have in common is that they care. They may be empathetic and supportive, but to the extent where they’re putting their own self-care responsibilities to the wayside.

What This Means
According to Psychology Today, for many people, learning to love him or herself first is something that’s difficult because it might come off as being selfish. That seems to be where the confusion is…knowing what’s considered “selfish” and what’s considered “self-care.” It seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? How can you possibly take care of another person physically, emotionally, or financially if you suck at taking care of your own body, emotions, or finances? How can you be there for others if you can’t even take the time to care for yourself?

A good rule of thumb to follow is to listen to what you’re telling other people and apply it to your own life. Are you the one scolding your intern about how she should eat healthier, yet you’re the one who can never find time to eat at all? No one likes a hypocrite. Don’t be one! Chances are if you’re trying to care for someone else, you want them to listen to you right? Well, if you’re guilty of the exact same thing (for example, if you smoke but you’re telling all your friends that they shouldn’t smoke), what right do you have to tell someone to do otherwise?

Personal Experience
I used to be that co-dependent girlfriend in the relationship. You know what I’m talking about. The one who threw herself into her boyfriend’s life, career, and goals, while pushing her own responsibilities and goals to the corner. It seemed that every boyfriend of mine would grow to their max potential during our relationship. I would be there whenever they needed help, guidance, support.

When I was younger, I was in a long-term relationship with an aspiring musician. I helped him brainstorm ways to move up the ladder, I’d go to every single one of his shows, help with his resume, go to his practices, prepare his food, go to all his family outings and obligations, I’d go with him to work, you name it. I was there. I saw this dude every day for nearly four years in a row, and I made it all about him.

You can imagine how I felt about myself. After neglecting my own goals for so many years, I felt incredibly insecure about my own career trajectory, the quality of my friendships, my physical health, and my own talent and skills. I spent most of my time either talking about my boyfriend and living through him. Whenever someone asked about my own plans, I’d just pivot the conversation back to my boyfriend’s successes. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but with a 9-5 job and the rest of my time dedicated to my boyfriend and his activities, I didn’t write a thing. My skills never progressed.

I’m not gonna delve into my entire codependent relationship with this one, but at the end of that relationship, I started feeling unsatisfied with the relationship, insecure with my own beliefs, and jealous of my boyfriend’s success. That’s right…JEALOUS of my boyfriend! I started resenting him because he didn’t do the same things for me.

Because being supportive and taking care of him was something that I prioritized first before myself for many years, my own baggage started spilling over–ultimately affecting our relationship and my self-esteem.

How To Apply to Your Life

OK, so you want to practice more self-care. Here are a few ways you can take care of yourself every day.

• Set aside time for yourself every day. Whether it’s 20 minutes or two hours, do what you gotta do. After I finish my work for the day, I find time to watch at least one of my favorite guilty pleasure Netflix shows every night before bed.
• Practice meditation. This can be as short as 1 minute a day. Simply clear your mind of all the day’s stresses and focus on even, deep, breaths. Doing something this small can make great strides in your stress-levels and help with mental health.
• Get your workout on. Doesn’t have to be the gym. You could go for a short walk around your house, eventually working up to around the block. You could schedule a weekly hike. I like to integrate weekly activities with different people, so I can maintain my friendships as well. In my own life, I go surfing every other Friday morning with my friend Jen, I go hiking every Sunday with my dog, I go to spin class after work with my coworkers, and I squeeze in the gym Tuesdays/Thursdays with my boyfriend after he gets out of class.
• Practice healthy habits. Whether it’s your nutrition, sleeping habits, or addictive habits, work towards treating your body like the temple it is. You can’t be there for your kids if you end up overdosing off alcohol or you’re taken down by a heart attack.
• Being financially responsible. Yeah…don’t be giving financial advice if you suck with money. Sure, your friend Suzy might be sad about her relationship and she NEEDS you to be there for her by going to the latest EDM festival with her. But if you can’t afford it, don’t spend the last of your own savings because you feel the need to be a good friend. What’s the point of joining her if you’re gonna be stressing about your lack of funds for yourself.

Final Take
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! If you don’t, that neglect might just manifest into something worse and bite you in the booty later on. If you take the time to really grow yourself, not only will you be happier for it and feel more secure about yourself in the long run, you might actually have that extra UMPH in you to take care of other people.

Handling Criticism With Grace

Whether you’re pursuing a career in entertainment or a career in finance, if you want to be great at anything, you need to learn how to handle criticism with grace. How else can you get better?

Working at my school’s Writing Center, I look at all the graduate and doctoral students I tutor, and I’m inspired by them. Not gonna lie, a lot of them are already really successful folks in their own right. Some of them own their own companies. Some of them are strong advocates for the underprivileged. Some of them are high up in the government.

But how did they get that way in the first place? Being successful I mean.

Well, first off, they are not afraid to admit they might need help. Obviously, they’re going to the Writing Center with their drafts, and they’re handling critique and feedback on ways they can improve. Many of these students, even if they’re already solid writers, want to become better.

They openly listen to comments without being defensive, they make their own judgments, and they change what they see fit. They’re not afraid of constructive criticism because it helps them be better, and sometimes you need another perspective to do that. This is called having thick skin.

I say this because so many people, including myself, are afraid and or hostile towards this kinda stuff. In my work as a writer, there are some writers who absolutely flip out when an editor has something to negative to say about their piece. Or if the editor comes back with some corrections, reactions would flare. As a result, these writers are let go because of their pride and defensiveness.

However, without acknowledging your own weaknesses and accepting help/advice from others, you fail to grow.

PS. You’re never too old to grow.

I dunno, that’s just what I’ve observed, and that’s just my two cents. As a writer, I’ve always held my tongue and looked at feedback as a way to improve. The editor may not even be right, but most likely, they know their brand more than I do. I’ve always responded to editors with a positive and “glad to be here” attitude because let’s face it–if I’m difficult to work with and lowkey hostile, they can easily replace me with someone more amenable.

I will end this off with a quote that is kind of related, but not really. Kind of.

“Open-minded people don’t care to be right, they only care to understand. There’s no right or wrong way. Everything’s about understanding.”

Make good decisions y’all!

The Perfect Man Method

For many years growing up, I would say things like “this is what I want in a guy…” or “my perfect guy needs to be this…” I was ultra-picky, specific, and entitled about what I wanted, but every time I thought I found someone who fit the bill, I’d end up feeling extra disappointed.

One day, I was feeling extra jaded and upset about my life and love, so I put together a list for my own reference. Creating this list was so I could stay focused on what I wanted in a man (priorities, amiright?).

“What I Want in a Perfect Man”

• A guy who volunteers or gives back to the community
• At least college or masters-level education
• Confident and assertive
• A guy who cares about his health and regularly works out
• Someone who understands the struggle of growing up disadvantaged
• Someone who is honest, kind, and communicative
• A guy who has swag and a sense of humor
• A guy who knows what he wants out of his career

I had decided that this was my dream guy, so now I gotta go out and find him, right?

No.

I looked at my list again and realized many, many things.

I Needed To Be More Realistic
First, how can I expect these qualities from a man when I don’t even hit all of these things myself? I volunteer once in awhile, I don’t regularly go to the gym, I haven’t even gone to grad school, I have poor sleep hygiene, I live off of chocolate, and I definitely don’t have a clear career path right now. Even if I did happen to find a man like the one above, I would feel awfully inadequate and extremely insecure in comparison. What have I done? As a result of these feelings, even if I played all my cards right, the relationship would never work out because of ME.

People Attract Like-Minded People
I spent a great deal of time staring at my list, and I thought to myself, “these qualities are really specific, is there a reason why I want this in a man?” Then it hit me, these were actually the goals I wanted for myself. I would absolutely LOVE to embody all of those qualities. After realizing that, I decided to take up a new mind-frame when it came to this “Perfect Man” list. If I ever wanted to meet a guy like this, I needed to work towards becoming my own Perfect Man first. After all, you attract who you are. If you feel insecure about yourself, secure men will smell that on you. However, a fellow insecure person might feel like they can relate to you. So that explains why I always attracted guys I didn’t really want.

Learn More About Yourself
So after having my little Eureka moment (yes, it’s little things like these that make my day), I started thinking about my past behavior in relationships. As a girlfriend, I was always supportive and oh, so kind. Unfortunately, it was to the point where I’d lose my own identity and lose focus on my goals. My boyfriend’s successes were my successes, and we all know that’s not true. Success is earned. I learned that I felt a sense of security through being with a successful guy, and whenever I felt like the relationship was wavering or if we encountered an obstacle, I was in a state of confusion.

To be honest, I was so sick of losing myself to my boyfriend. I needed to actually find out what I truly wanted to do/be, plan out a game plan, and freaking hustle to build my own life. Before, I never knew where to start. However, after putting together my Perfect Man list…I realized I had it all scribbled out in front of me. This Perfect Man List was the person I actually wanted to become.

Woah.

So I call this goal-setting technique “The Perfect Man Method.” It’s meant for all women, but especially those boy crazy women who want to be with the perfect guy but feel like they have also lost themselves in their current relationship or are constantly not feeling good enough when dating. That was a run-on sentence.

In the end, it wasn’t the guy who was my issue (well, sometimes, but that’s a story for another day), it was actually my own insecurities preventing me from having a healthy and strong relationship with the man of my dreams. Since then, I checked off a few of these goals — I started grad school, my career is starting to take off, I’m more confident in my own abilities, and I’m more zoned into my own goals. Overall, I am extremely content and happy with my life because I know I’m living it fully and on my own terms.

This Perfect Man List actually prompted me to hold off on rushing into a relationship at the time. After putting together that checklist, and coming to my many conclusions, I realized I was officially unavailable for dating because I was currently under construction.

Try it out, and let me know if this technique works for you, or if you think it’s complete bull. At the very least, you can work on your penmanship.

Have a lovely day!

Homegirl

Forgiving Others and Yourself in 6 Steps

So this is just the first part of a series I put together on the subject of forgiveness. It’s something that many people struggle with, no matter what age.  Simply my point of view on forgiving yourself, friends, family, and others people in your life — and how learning how to forgive can make you happier in the long run.

Lesson #1 – Forgiving Yourself

I’m not going to act like I know everything about forgiveness because I definitely don’t. I’m not going to pretend like I understand all types of pain that warrant or don’t warrant forgiveness either. However, I do know a bit about coping. I know about resilience. I know about growth. I know about strength. Everyone has their own experiences, but I really believe that if you want to be able to forgive others, you must be able to forgive yourself first. Of course, while forgiving yourself is important, you still want to own up to your actions and take responsibility. Don’t be a dick and blame others for your own poor decisions. Understand why you did what you did, make amends, put a plan in place for the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, make peace with it, and move forward with your life.

Here’s my recipe for forgiving yourself in outline form:

• Feel Your Feelings
• Take Responsibility
• Understand Why You Did What You Did
• Accept that Some People Won’t Forgive You
• Put a Future Plan in Place
• Make Peace With It

Whenever I had a disagreement with someone in the past, I would only see red. There was no room for empathy, just blame and resentment. Whenever I did something wrong (and I knew I was wrong), I’d go to the complete other end of the spectrum and wholeheartedly blame myself, sometimes burying myself in self-hate. There was no deep reflection, there was simply blame, anger, sadness, negativity, and a feeling of entitlement almost…and all of that was suffocating. It led me nowhere.

---

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.

I used to have an issue with cheating on my partners. In one relationship, the entire affair blew up in my face, and I was forced to tell my boyfriend at the time that I cheated on him. No surprise, but we broke up, and I felt…EVERYTHING. I felt remorse, sadness, guilt, anger, self-pity, and most of all, I felt shame. It was the first time in my life that I had to directly deal with the consequences of my actions. It was a reality check! It haunted me, and I think it was supposed to haunt me. The look on his face. The judgement and humiliation I felt from my friends. His friends. The overwhelming feeling of shame that kept me from talking about it for many years. The anger I felt towards him for telling my friends and family about how I cheated on him. The sadness and regret from losing someone important to me for something so fleeting. All that good stuff.

Make sure you feel all your feelings. Just feel, don’t act.

Many people will tell you that it’s not ok to feel angry, especially if it’s your fault. Some people might even say that you deserve to feel shitty. I’m telling you, feel whatever the fuck you want to feel for a few days, get that out of your system, and then start looking at the bigger picture. You fucked up, so stop making excuses, stop feeling bad and harping on it, what’s done is done. It’s time to pick yourself up.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

This was never the hard part for me. I’ve always been pretty good at owning up to my mistakes and taking responsibility for my actions.

I grew up in a strict Chinese household, where every “mistake” made was harshly punished. There was no room for cockiness, clap backs, excuses, smartass comments, or disobedience. If you lost your cool, you’d get hit — even if you showed remorse. Because you’re willing to “take your punishment,” it built character and humility. I’m not knocking on my Chinese heritage, but that mentality truly fucked with me growing up, especially going into adolescence and adulthood. It affected all my relationships and made me look at the concepts of right and wrong in an unhealthy and extreme, black-and-white kind of way. Ironically, it also made me look at things that were “morally wrong,” such as cheating, lying, or stealing, in a “well, if I don’t get caught, it’s fine” kind of way. Of course, when I got caught, I’d react the same way I did as a child…I’d cry, accept my punishment, blame myself, and never talk about it again. BLAH.

Anyways, I was so good at taking responsibility, I’d even start putting myself down. Blaming myself for everything, even on faults that weren’t mine.  This self-punishment helped me feel better. People react differently to each situation, but my method only took me so far. What’s the point in taking responsibility for my actions if I might just do it again in my next relationship? I needed to do something about it.

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.

Instead of pretending those weak moments never happened or drowning yourself in self-pity, you need to dig deep. Remember all those feelings you felt earlier? Look at each of those feelings, and try to understand why you felt that way. I could see why I felt remorse and shame, but why did I feel anger? Why did I cheat on my previous boyfriends before? Was I bored? Were they assholes? What brought me to that point in the first place? When did I start feeling differently about my boyfriend?

This self-exploration took a long time to figure out. In short, I was a very passive aggressive and nonconfrontational person. I was a coward. If a boyfriend didn’t treat me well, instead of communicating with him or breaking up with him, I’d cheat as my sort of secret “revenge.” Cheating is much easier than having to deal with a difficult and real conversation. However, after dealing with the fallout, I realized the consequences weren’t worth it. I needed to stop being a wuss and have that difficult conversation instead. Hurting someone by ending a relationship is a much better alternative to hurting someone by cheating on them. Having real talk means you’re being fair to yourself and to the other person, but doing so also takes a lot of balls.

People respect good ole’ integrity and balls. They don’t respect cheaters. That brings me to my next point.

ACCEPT THAT SOME PEOPLE WON’T FORGIVE YOU.

I lost a lot of friends during that time I went through that cheating fiasco. At first, I was sad and thought I deserved it, and maybe I did. Then, I was angry and held a grudge, telling myself that these people who don’t forgive me don’t deserve my friendship anyways. Eventually, I learned to let go of all the spiteful thoughts, and simply accept it. Some people might judge you for your transgressions for the rest of your life, and that’s perfectly fine. People have the right to their own opinions. Their decision to not forgive you may even be justified. In the end, you gotta let these things slide.

You cannot control the actions of other people, you can only control your own.

The point of forgiving yourself is that you do it, not others. At this point, you should already know in your heart that you will be a better person moving forward. That you will NEVER go backward, in fact, you’ll work on being better with every day. If other people can’t see that right now, that’s just the way it is. As long as you know that you’re going to change.

And how will you know that you won’t make the same mistake again?

PUT A FUTURE PLAN IN PLACE.

I’m going to emphasize this part. You need to follow through on your future promises or else you’ll find yourself repeating the same bad decisions over again. You already know how to put yourself in a bad situation, now, the plan is to avoid getting yourself in that situation ever again. In my case, I already knew I was never going to do that to someone again. But how did I get there in the first place? There was a point in my relationship when I started accepting friend requests, a guy would message me, and I’d flirt. That was the beginning of it – and that was the part I needed to stay alert about.

I put together a freaking mantra ya’ll. Seriously. I repeated to myself, “The next time I’m in a relationship, and it comes to the point where I find myself craving attention from someone else, it’s time to either communicate and try harder OR break up.” I made that promise to myself, and I’ve kept it ever since. There’s nothing worse than lying to yourself, so you must honestly commit to yourself first. Use your mistake as motivation to be stronger and better in the future.

Finally, MAKE PEACE WITH IT. 

I didn’t realize I was over my cheating shame until I started dating my current boyfriend. I told him I had cheated before, but that I had stopped forever (something like that). At first, he got mad, and did the whole “how will I know you won’t do that to me?” ma-jig. Understandable question, but I wasn’t that same person from before anymore. I knew who I was, and I knew all the hard work it took for me to get here. I also knew the role that cheating thing played in my life and how it’s shaped the person I am today.

I didn’t feel the need to defend myself, and I didn’t feel the need to explain the entire situation. I told him, that person was a different me. I paid my dues, put myself through hell already, and if he can’t get past judging me for who I was 10 years ago, then he can move along. I told him early on during our dating phase. It was a delicate conversation, but he let it go right away. He could see and hear my conviction when it involved my self-improvement, and best of all, he still trusted me because I was honest about it.

OVERALL,

If you actually want to follow through and become that best version of yourself, you’ll understand that change doesn’t just happen overnight. I’ve struggled with the concept of forgiveness for a long time. Whether it’s being forgiven or forgiving someone else, conquering the art of forgiveness is an essential step towards moving forward with your life, letting go of resentment and grudges, as well as pushing yourself towards growth and improvement. The whole ordeal can be frustrating and nerve-racking, but at the same time, it can also be strangely cathartic and empowering.

*Note: This post addresses “regular” life stresses and should not be applied to serious traumas. If you find yourself in a super traumatic situation and don’t know how to deal with it, I strongly suggest seeing a professional to help sort out your feelings.

*Second Note: I have no idea how to match images with captions, so some of them might not really make sense.

Take care,
Homegirl

Choosing Between Two Guys

Last year, I was casually dating two guys I really liked, but I was at that point where I needed to decide which one to let go because it was starting to get kinda serious with both.

The first guy…
I was really into. He’s actually the dude I talked about in this post. He was tall, handsome, hardworking, generous, successful, ambitious, intelligent. On the flip side, he was also arrogant, entitled, a bit of a womanizer, a loner, extremely impatient, and materialistic. His successes and good looks inspired me to improve myself, but at the same time, made me feel extremely insecure about both my job and my looks. We got to know each other, and he was in the middle of “changing his ways” for me, but I knew he wasn’t at that point yet where he’d be ready for a real committed relationship.

The second guy…
I met the second guy when I was still getting to know the first dude. We hung out as friends for a bit, and he was basically the opposite of guy #1. He was a simple dude. Isaiah Thomas tall (lol), Clarke Gable handsome, definitely not rich, dropped out of college to help make money for his family, and seemingly content with life. He was very patient, responsible, a great communicator, and always respectful. He made me feel like I was out of his league, and he was always there for me. I could always count on him for that. He didn’t need to change his character–he already had so much of it, but his resume wasn’t really doing it for me.

Me? I’m a hardworking, educated, funny, and an easygoing chick with a shit ton of personality. I was tired of being unhappy about guys, and I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with a man who would grow with me. After dating dudes for so long, you kinda get a sense of what works for you. I wanted a guy who was a hot alpha dream boat but at the same time, I also wanted a humble and sensitive romantic.

Anyways, I experienced the best of both worlds for a couple weeks, but I needed to choose. I would change my mind almost every other day, and I was at a crossroad. WHICH ONE?! It wasn’t until I went through two unfortunate hiccups when I realized which guy was right for me.

Hiccup #1
I locked myself out of my apartment with my phone and my dog. I didn’t know what to do. No keys, no money, and I couldn’t call an Uber with a dog. I couldn’t feed myself. I didn’t want to pay for a locksmith, and my roommates were at work. I called both guys!

What happened? Guy #1 was at work, but he said that if I could grab an Uber and go to his place until he got off and he’d help figure things out with me. That didn’t really help. Guy #2? He worked a night shift, and was super tired. He was about to go home and take a nap, but when he got my call, he dropped everything, braved through an hour of traffic, picked me up from the dog park, drove me to my realtor’s office for a spare key, and then took me home.

Hiccup #2
A couple days later…I got food poisoning! I thought I was seriously dying. Puking all over the place, no water AT ALL at home, and I was too unwell to even get out of my bedroom let alone walk my dog and find food.

What happened?
Guy #1 was at work, but he sent over a container of chicken soup from Postmates. He had plans that night, so he didn’t have time or even offer to come over. Guy #2? Again, he was sleep deprived from catering to my needy self, and was just getting off work. I texted one line that I was sick, and that’s all it took. He came over with a case of water, Gatorade, Pedialyte, medication, and he even walked my dog when I was asleep.

So what?
I had my answer staring straight at me. Guy #1 was making an effort, yes, but Guy #2 was just THERE FOR ME. Even though I was giving Guy #2 grief about whether or not we should slow down, take a step back, blah blah, I was basically annoying the shit out of him the entire week — he didn’t care about all that, and he was there for me at the end of the day.

pretty sure this is a picture of two dudes.

So I made a decision…
I began dating Guy #2, who is now my boyfriend. It’s been almost a year, and I’ve been so happy and drama-free. Since we’ve started dating, I’ve started grad school and cemented a solid career. I’ve also grown a lot mentally. Him? He’s starting school again next week, and he’s shown improvement at work enough for them to move him up into corporate. WOO.

My point is, if you’re stuck between choosing a guy like #1 and a guy like #2, go straight down to the nitty-gritty.

• Who are they as people?
• How can they fit into your life?
• Are you spending valuable time stressing out about him or is he going out of his way to de-stress you?
• When you’re at a low point, will he be there for you even if you two are fighting?
• Oh and another question. CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM BEING A GOOD DADDY TO YO BABIES?

I was worried about guy #2’s lack of a resume when I shouldn’t have been. He saw my work ethic, my ambition, and he heard me when I said it was important for me to be with someone who’s completed college. Someone who’s working a job that means something for them. Because he cared about me like that, he actually drew inspiration from me! I helped him grow! He helped me grow as well because he held me down when I was going through my high-stress moments. WOO! We both grew together!

I say this a lot, but where do you think Obama would be without Michelle? I don’t know, but I do know that behind every great man is a great woman. Blah blah blah blah.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

HG

What Attracts Men to Women the Most?

Oh god, where do I start? There are so so many things I could say about this question, but I’ll keep everything focused.

Men come in all shapes and sizes, and so do women. Some men are drawn to beauty, while others are drawn to brains, personality, talent, or humor. Then there are those guys who want all of those qualities in one. Standards for attraction are getting so hard-to-reach these days, no wonder many people feel so insecure about dating.

There are women who work out religiously or religiously get plastic surgery to make sure they’re in tip-top shape.

There are also women who are so adventurous, it seems as if they’ve done everything from skydiving to climbing Mt. Everest to spending time in a hippie commune in the middle of nowhere.

There are those women who are so incredibly alluring and mysterious you suspect they might be a spy or a Dominatrix (you never know).

Then there are the women who spend their lives in school, at work, at home behind a book.

So my question is…what quality about a woman attracts a man the most?

I was reading through my boring stats textbook on curvilinear relationships, and how oftentimes, researchers are interested in studying more than two groups to compare results. The book used an example that kinda popped out at me (read below):

In 2003, Strassberg and Holty conducted an experiment on Internet dating ads for women, and studied the effectiveness of four groups:

1. Generally positive women who liked hiking and painting (basic lady, control)
2. Slim and attractive (I’m guessing fit)
3. Sensual and passionate (skanky!!)
4. Financially able and independent

Want to know what the results were?

Financially able and independent won with 50% more responses than the next popular ad, which was Slim and attractive. I only skimmed through the study, so I’m still curious about the way they sold each group. But HEY. Now I know that if I ever wanted to do the whole online dating ma-jiggy, I should sell myself as financially able and independent! Apparently, men love that!

Women love that too! The same researchers did a follow-up study in 2015 that included men and women, and surprise surprise — women were attracted to successful and ambitious dudes the most.

So what does that mean for the different types of women I’ve listed above? It means that ALL OF THEM have an equal–maybe not equal because I have never tested this claim–but all types of women can attract dudes. As long as they’re financially able to provide for themselves and are ambitious.

With this whole #MeToo movement going on, it looks like #StrongWomen are a thing of the present and future now. At the end of the day, becoming a woman who is independent and can take care of herself is what every female should strive to be.

Read my other article on How to Attract Silent Attention for more information on the topic.

OK, back to studying.
Have a wonderful day everyone!

-HG

 

 

 

Baby You Should Go and Love Yourself

People from all walks of life — regardless of gender, racial background, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or whatever else — have struggled (or still struggle) with loving themselves in a balanced and healthy way. Some people, worried about self-image, overdo loving themselves and come off way too strong.  Then there are those people at the other end of the spectrum, who don’t love themselves enough — the ones who worry about everyone else before even considering their own well-being.

When people go too far with loving themselves, it reveals more about their own insecurities than anything. However, loving yourself too little almost always has to do with low self-esteem and co-dependency.

In this post, I’m gonna try to keep it real simple, and just clarify the difference between these three common terms that seem to really trip people up.

Self-Love
The best way I can explain this one is having respect for yourself, while still being able to put yourself in check. You know what I mean? Being confident in what you deserve without stepping on others. Self-love is when you take the time out of your day to make yourself happy. For example, dancing to your favorite jam in your panties in front of the mirror, giving yourself a spa-day, getting a mani-pedi, or watching a movie on your own.

There are several different facets of self-love, but I think there are two basic layers that stand out. The first is SELF-CARE, which is making sure your basic needs (hunger, sleep, hygiene, responsibilities) are all well met. The second is SELF-RESPECT, which is not succumbing yourself to anything below your worth.

I’m gonna be real about this, you may tell me that you’re the most confident, healthy, balanced, whatever kind of person, but if you’re drinking yourself to oblivion half the week and/or letting people walk all over you, you are (on some level) not content with who you are.

Narcissism
This is similar to self-love but at an extreme. Homie might love themselves a little too much. We all know someone who’s like this, right? That person who won’t stop snapping themselves, posting selfies on IG, constantly sharing what “I believe” and “I feel” and “I think” and “I would.” LOL, that sounds like me too, huh. Anyways, it’s the Narcissistic person who takes self-love to a whole new level. In these peoples’ minds, the world revolves around their perspective only. They are pigeon-holed in their own views and might lack the insight to know any better.

With narcissistic people, it’s more about vanity, which I guess you could say is insecurity. There’s no such thing as perfection, but narcissistic individuals believe that they are the closest to it. That you’re lucky enough to have them grace you with their presence.

When I used to work out every day, I developed a legit Victoria’s Secret bod. As a woman, I’m not too shabby looking either, so I definitely fit into that superficial mold at the time. I wouldn’t be shy about posting pictures of myself, checking myself out in the mirror, or claiming I was better looking than some models out there. Not only was this narcissistic…OVERCONFIDENT of me, but it was also a bit delusional. Yes, I looked good, but damn. I needed to take myself down a notch. Beauty is within the eye of the beholder, and even though I might have looked good outwardly, I needed to learn a thing or two about humility inside.

I’m not saying that models or people who take pictures for a living are all narcissistic. Some people are just doing their jobs. I’ve been with a male model before, and he would always say “it’s for work” to excuse his narcissistic behavior. No matter where we were, what we were doing, it was all about his pictures and his image and his opinions that mattered — even if it was at the expense of others. Don’t be like that. That dude was an asshole, and not just to me.

Selfishness
…And then there’s just plain selfish. Everyone’s been guilty of this sometime, but I guess the classic example is a rebellious teenager in full swing. I don’t fuck with teenagers man, they’re frickin’ crazy and they literally have nothing to lose. I’m so serious. 90% of the time if they kill someone, unless the murder is super fucked up, they’re not gonna be in prison their entire lives. Teenagers are easily influenced, and at the same time, so caught up in their own realities. It’s not their fault, they don’t have enough life experience to know any better. This aspect of being selfish is best described I guess…as a lack of regard.

Being SELFISH is in my opinion, worse than being narcissistic. On top of this person having little to no regard for others, it seems they only want to push forward their own agenda. It’s interesting, because you can be selfish, but also be insecure, overconfident, respectful, or whatever. Being selfish comes in all different shapes and sizes, but I guess as you age, it comes hand-in-hand with greed.

Anyways, all three terms, self-love, narcissism, and being selfish, are all ways love is expressed inwards. They all have different meanings, and it’s up to you to balance these qualities inside you. The clarifications I’ve provided above are all pretty common sense, speaking in very general terms, but I really feel like it’s important to note the differences. You’d be surprised how many people confuse the terms.

Ok bye, be good to yourself.

Homegirl

Being Stuck in the Past

There are so, so many reasons for people to get caught up living in their past. Doesn’t matter if it’s good times or bad times, at some point in a person’s life, they start lingering on things that have already happened. I’m definitely guilty of it. Thinking back on my teens/early-20s, I feel like I just squandered away all of that glowing potential I had…and for what? To pursue boys. My God, where were my priorities at?

Now? I’m the same girl, just older and I know a bit more. It would be unrealistic to say that I don’t reminisce about the past (sometimes it can be helpful sharing stories with others), but the difference between me-now and me-before is that I’ve learned to be more mindful about over-indulging this behavior.

What’s mindfulness? Simply put, it’s the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. This sounds pretty straightforward, but boy oh boy, it’s actually a pretty difficult habit to get into. Why is mindfulness important for me? So I can catch myself from becoming that annoying person who’s always talking about what happened before, and what I should have done, and what it was like during the good ole days.

There’s a saying I keep hearing. “Depression is always about the past, and anxiety is always about the future.” For the most part, I agree. Trying to re-live your glory days, or constantly talking about that ‘one who got away’ reveals a lot about the person you are at the moment. Your happiness is coming from the past, and at the moment, you’re not living in the present.

When I first noticed my obsession with the past, of course, I wanted to change it. I would talk about the worst times of my life, the struggles I’ve gone through, the accomplishments I made, and for what? It would make me feel good at first, but as the day went on, it would make me feel vulnerable and unfulfilled. I know my experience, but did I really have to share that with others? Sometimes, I’d even spill my past to complete strangers. It was ridiculous.

So I practiced mindfulness and stopped whenever I caught myself going into past-talk. I tried to focus on my present and aimed to become a more future-oriented individual. I would set all these goals for myself and worry about how much money it would take to get there, how much time I’d need to set aside to get there, and whether or not I was even good enough. My insecurities came pouring out. Unfortunately, it seemed I had an issue with the future as well.

My issue with making plans for the future was that I would skip the present, and that’s when my anxiety came. Fear of my future and what’s to come. Lack of control.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I ever really dealt with my anxiety. I guess I’m still a work in progress. However, after setting up all these ambitious goals for my future, I eventually began recognizing that in order to actually achieve these dreams for myself… I needed to put in hard work, without complaining about the past or being overly optimistic about the future. You know how to do that? By practicing control.

Yes, I was scared of my lack of control about the future, so I did what I could by controlling my present, learning from the mistakes I’ve made in the past, changing, and working on moving forward. I needed to accept change, little by little every day, and then eventually one day, I will be there living in my present. I needed to let go of the past. Accept that the past has shaped me into the person I am today, and move forward from that.

Many people forget that their present self is constantly subject to change based on whatever current experience comes their way. It’s up to you if you want to change for the better by living in the present, or don’t change at all, and stay stuck in your past. OK now, I’m just rambling. I feel like I was really close to getting to my point though.

The quote that I mentioned above was actually from the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu. The full saying is, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

There you go, people! Start living in the present and be at peace. How you get there is up to you.

-Homegirl

How to Attract Silent Attention

“Admire a woman who draws silent attention. She doesn’t need to make a spectacle of herself to the world. You notice her without realizing.”

I’m not sure who wrote that quote, but this one really hit home for me. This is what I strive to be as a woman (on top of a lot of things, of course).

When I was younger, I would say maybe early 20s, I knew I was pretty. I shed the extra weight I had in high school, my skin cleared up, and boys started asking me out. I reveled in this newfound attention.

At some point during those years, I became a drunken buffoon, super loud, super skanky, super braggy, and super thirsty for attention. I’ll save the embarrassing details. Yes, I would still attract men, but never the ones I wanted, always the ones I’d regret. It took me a long time to finally realize I didn’t need to work so hard on showing others I was happy and awesome. If I were truly happy and awesome, people would see it without my putting in so much effort.

I began focusing on other aspects of my life besides looking good or peacocking (Urban Dictionary defines peacocking as “dressing for attention like a peacock does to get a mate”). I also began working on controlling my drinking behavior (hey, you gotta learn to keep it together sometime). You can still be drunk and keeps it classy.

No more caking make-up all over my skin or drawing in panda eyes with my eyeliner, I went for a more natural look. Ok, by “natural” I mean getting eyelash extensions! Not only did this expensive hobby save time with makeup, I was also putting on less eyeliner. As for my cake face, on nonspecial days, I would forego the foundation, and let all my pimples hang… wishing to Sweet Baby Jesus that I wouldn’t run into a hot dude while walking my dog.

I continued working out for my health, and I took a step back and examined my wardrobe. See through shirts and Crop tops galore. Short shorts and tiny skirts. Yes, I was petite and fit, but was it really necessary for me to show that all off to others? Strangers? What did I have to prove? That I was attractive with great abs? So I began dressing “sexy” but “classy”. I would wear alluring clothes, but cover up all my naughty parts, letting guys run away with their own imagination.

I remember one night when I was approached by 10 different men (in a 3-hour time span), while I was vacationing in London. That was by far a personal record. You know what I was wearing? Head-to-toe all black. A sleeveless black shirt that revealed absolutely nothing underneath a black leather jacket, black skintight long pants, and black combat boots. I looked cool AF without showing any of my goodies.

I worked on my attitude and confidence as well. I used to think confidence was being able to say anything and everything to a guy, regardless of content. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud any woman with balls large enough to approach a dude they’re interested in, but I’m much more old-school these days. I prefer doing as little work as I can to get a guy, and they must approach me first. If they don’t, their loss. There are plenty of other fishies in the sea. If they do, that’s attractive AF to me. Blah, blah.

Lastly, I worked on my insecurity. For years, I’d openly admit that I was insecure about certain things.. my intelligence, my body, my boobs, my sense of humor, my job, etc. I wanted everyone to like me. How do you tackle a beast like insecurity?

My answer was creating goals for myself. If I truly feel like I’m not as intelligent as others, then I should either go back to school or take a class on a subject I’m interested in. Or I can read a good book or watch something educational. If I truly have issues with my body, then I should work out.  If I feel like I’m lacking a sense of humor, psh. As long as I’m funny to myself, I don’t care. Laughter (even alone) is great for fighting unhappiness.

And my job? Well, I really only went after jobs I wanted. During my free time, instead of spending all those nights out partying, I would research and hone my skills.

For boobies, I could accept that my breasts are kind of teeny, and dream about getting plastic surgery in the future when I can afford it (and after I’ve accomplished my other goals lol).

I’ve talked about my Perfect Man Method a few times already, but to reiterate, I basically use this method as a jumpoff point for my own life goals. I would imagine my perfect guy, someone way out of my league, super intimidating, and beyond my imagination. I would write down his specific qualities… active in sports, volunteers for the greater good, graduated college at least, tall and handsome, great with dogs, funny, blah. I would create my Perfect Man list, and at the end, cross off “PERFECT MAN” and change it to, how to become my perfect self.

If I managed to achieve all those qualities, when it comes time to meet this “perfect man”, I’d be his equal. There would be no insecurity because I’m there already.

Anyways, those are my thoughts about that quote above. Whenever I see a beautiful woman who’s hungry for attention, I cringe and shake my head. She doesn’t need to be that way and the only person she needs to prove anything to is herself.

PS. Don’t get me wrong. I still love dressing up, wearing skanky clothes, and being alluring and a sex kitten and stuff. I just reel in my behavior. No more falling over dudes, no more drinking til I’m sloppy, no more being an object for slimey men.

Thanks,
Homegirl

How to Let Him Down Gently

So you’ve been dating someone for a little bit, but you’re not really into whatever you guys have for whatever reasons. I’ve been through several, several uncomfortable breakups, from long-term to casual, and although I might not have dealt with some of them correctly, there are others that ended quite well.

Here’s a rundown of some of my most memorable breakup experiences along with some commentary from my student-therapist self.

The Pushover: I dated this guy for a year, and honestly, the relationship was good. We had plenty of good times together, and I really cared about him, but I wanted to see other people. I wasn’t physically attracted to him, and I never got those *butterflies* around him. Whenever we fought, he would throw in the towel, agreeing with everything I said, regardless of whether or not I was right. I was restless and felt *stuck* in a relationship that didn’t give me excitement and I wasn’t even old enough to drink yet.

The Break Up: I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and we both cried like babies (because we were babies). I was kind, and there for him, but felt an immense guilt about hurting him. It also didn’t help that I immediately began dating again less than two weeks afterward. He heard about it, and it didn’t only ruin my friendship with him, but also our mutual friends.

Advice: When you’re breaking up with a guy you’ve been seeing for awhile, even though you’re tempted to date other people, it’s still important to give yourself some time alone. Even though I was already mentally checked out of my relationship, there was no rush getting into a new one so quickly. Dating so quickly afterward was a sign of disrespect according to some of our mutual friends, and it was really a disservice to everyone, especially myself. Not to mention, your new guy does not want to feel like a rebound.

The Fling: Dated this guy for a total of one week, and even though I was extremely attracted to him towards the beginning, I started to notice some bad habits of his that immediately turned me off. He was clingy. He overstayed his welcome. He would blast his alarms for hours in the morning at MY APARTMENT (note: I’m not a morning person). He was obsessed with Good Charlotte (He’s a grown ass man listening to music I listened to during my highschool emo phase). He had terrible credit. He was a cheapo.

The Break Up: Honestly, I ghosted.

Advice: While ghosting someone is nonconfrontational and super easy to do, this doesn’t mean it’s the right thing. Again, it’s a respect thing, and you’re basically showing someone that you’re an asshole douche when you ghost them. This guy had no idea what happened, and made numerous efforts to spark something up when nothing was there. Don’t ghost, just be direct, and say, “Hey, I don’t want to lead you on or waste your time, and it’s been fun hanging out, but I don’t think we’re compatible.” Blah. Something as simple as that illustrates more class than a ghost.

The Guy You Love But It Won’t Work: I went out with this guy for about half a year, and I was crazy about him from the beginning. I thought he was perfect, but I could see all the red flags. He was handsome AF, charming, intelligent, confident, and a generous philanthropist. YOU THINK A GUY LIKE THAT IS ONLY SEEING ONE GIRL? Well, there are some guys like that, but he wasn’t one of them. This guy “ended things” with me for another lady the first month we were hanging out. When things went sour between the two, I wanted to play the “cool girl” to get him back. And he did come back, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Even though he pushed me to be a better, more successful, more considerate person, at the end of the day… there was no trust in the relationship. This, and a whole buncha other issues too, such as jealousy, insecurity, and terrible communication.

The Break Up: I broke up with him through a text message, “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy. I also started seeing someone else, didn’t know how to tell you.” As you can imagine, this was not the best way to end things with someone I cared about. I still believe I sent that out of spite because he did that to me towards the beginning of our relationship. What I’ve learned from my painful and mindfuck-y divorce was that if someone isn’t right for you, don’t force it. You cannot force love, kindness, respect, communication, and trust. But especially trust. These are the building blocks of any healthy relationship.

Advice: I should have waited before sending that text message. I should have texted him something more honest. The real reason why I didn’t want to see him anymore was because we weren’t right for each other, timing-wise and maturity-wise. We wanted different things. We always had an issue with communication, and that dysfunctional-ass final text message pretty much illustrated exactly how fucked up we were with discussing about our feelings. I actually messaged him back months later explaining that I think about him often, and hope he’s well, but I wanted something more serious, and seeing him was not helping me move on. He appreciated that text a lot more, and even commented on how much I’ve “grown.” Pssh…

The Longterm Relationship: Dated this guy for four years, and we lived together. The relationship was great, if you didn’t count the fights, which happened quite often. Towards the end of our relationship, we were fighting daily. Big ass fights, not physical, but we would just verbally attack each other all day. He traveled about a third of the year, so I was alone a lot. Whenever I tried to tell him I missed him, it built up to a point where he straight up told me I needed to get a life.

The Break Up: I wanted to break up with him for a month, but didn’t know how to say it. I started hanging out more with friends, spending more time at work functions, and simply going out to cafes away from him. I didn’t have the courage to tell him, until we both went out drinking one night, and he asked me, “Do you still want to be with me?” and I answered “No…” Then he went through a crazy fit, first insulting me, then begging for me back. The whole thing was painful AF. I started dating another guy a month afterwards.

Advice: There’s clearly a trend here! And it’s basically… I don’t like being alone. I like being in a relationship (clearly), but I don’t want to be in a relationship that is boring or makes me unhappy. Ending a longterm relationship can really shift your world into instability for a bit, and again… dating so soon afterward is not only a betrayal but shows others how much you (don’t) respect someone you supposedly “love.” I should have given myself time to at least find a permanent place of my own, fully moved out of my ex’s apartment, before dating again. I remember my mom told me I should have just stayed in the apartment by myself…but at the time the idea was too depressing. Going out to bars/clubs/living dat single-girl life so quickly after a break up is also setting yourself up as easy prey for creepers. After this breakup, I met the biggest creeper of my life, and ended up clinging to him because I didn’t have a solid handle on my own life.

From my experience, being direct, honest, and gentle helped me the most. Communication is something I’ve learned with experience (and still learning), but also an awareness of post-dating etiquette. There’s no need to end things on a spiteful or hateful note (unless the dude was super abusive or something), and just remember that you wouldn’t appreciate it if you got dumped by a dude who started dating immediately after you. In the end, we can all learn to be better.

 

More Posts to Come Soon!

Apologies readers! I must confess, I have been pretty busy for the past half year. In the span of about 8 months, I managed to do a lot.

Here are some highlights:

• Started seriously dating and now I’m in a new relationship!
• Landed myself two new writing jobs, both remote and part-time!
• Applied, got accepted, and started attending grad school!
• Found a good divorce lawyer and finalizing my divorce!
• Managed to train my dog new tricks such as “paw”, “down”, and “up”!

I’m still getting into the swing of things, which is why I’ve been MIA, but I swear I’ll post some awesome posts when I’m on break. I’ll write about all that good stuff (mostly my frustration with my past and with love), and even more. Since I started school for clinical psychology (to become a therapist ha!) I’m learning so many new things that I would love to share. Hopefully you’ll find it helpful.

You can see from the above bullet points that I’ve reached a bunch of milestones in my life.. so of course I have many things to say about it. I’m excited because now, whenever I say some shit like “Why do I keep making these bad decisions?” I can actually analyze the shitaki mushrooms out of that statement, look at my past, and I dunno, pull in some theory from Freud, so you know I’m not just talking out of my ass.

Unfortunately, I have class in an hour, an article to write after I post this, a dog to walk, and a date later tonight. It’ll have to wait a bit, but I wanted to give you a quick update and let you know… I’M STILL HERE!

STORYTIME: Lost My Cool With Potential Dream Guy

Dog toys were scattered everywhere at Troy’s place (the dude in this post: Who Keeps the Dog? Stealing Simba Back From My Crazy Ex). He had just gotten home from work, and I was at his apartment babysitting our dogs. He whipped a cigarette out from his pack of Marlboro Reds, and *chkkkh* (that’s the sound of his lighter lol). I take this as the green light to take out one of my cigarettes, and I join in on the smoking.

I updated Troy on my day, told him his doggy was good at the dog park earlier, and that both dogs should probably stop by the park one more time before I go home. He nodded and looked out the window. *Puff puff*

We got along pretty well (think of this relationship as a bro/sis relationship!!!), and in the middle of our chat, the subject of dating came up. I told him I’m casually dating, but not looking for anything serious because of my situation (at the time, I was still married, unemployed and lame). I needed to focus on other things such as my dog, my apartment, and finding a job.

Troy: So, I don’t know if you’re looking for dudes, but I know a guy who lives in my building who seems like a real ladykiller.
Me: Oh yeah? Well.. I’m a maneater! (I’m not)
Troy: I can introduce you guys, but don’t get mad at me if it doesn’t work out.
Me: Huh? Who said I wanted to meet him? Don’t introduce us! I’m not in the right place to meet guys, and there are so many other dudes in my life already. I can’t.
Troy: *SHRUGS* OK, sure. Up to you, let me know when you change your mind.

And that was that. Until we finished our cigarettes and went downstairs to the dog park.

Troy went ahead with his dog and flew past me! Meanwhile, I struggled to hold on to my fur baby Simba (he sucks at walking on a leash by the way) as he pulled me towards another direction.

I remember seeing someone else heading towards the dog park with their dog. I remember fighting to keep Simba next to me. I remember Simba pulling me towards the other person and their dog. I remember Simba running circles around me and the other owner so that we were tangled up. I remember apologetically looking up at the other owner, and I remember being pleasantly surprised.. thinking, “Wow.. this guy is fucking hot.” Then it clicked.

TROY NEVER MEANT TO RESPECT MY WISHES, AND HE FUCKING INTRODUCED ME TO HIS LADY KILLING FRIEND ANYWAYS. DAMMIT TROY IF YOU WEREN’T SO DAMN NICE HELPING ME TAKE CARE OF MY DOG, I WOULD BE SO PISSED.

Anyways, Troy’s beautiful friend’s name was Jonathan. I don’t even want to give him a nickname because his name is so darn common. But yeah..homeboy had me flustered. Something I don’t often feel for a dude.

Honestly, whenever I’ve interacted with guys of Jonathan’s “hot” caliber, I usually tried to play it cool as if I weren’t interested AT ALL. *sigh*

Back to my story, after we untangled our doggy leashes, we were both all smiles when we finally joined Troy at the dog park.

I found out that Jonathan was not only tall, dark, and handsome.. he was also smart and athletic. He was also successful. He was a year older than me, a busy guy, social, stylish, with a smug swagger about him. Not to mention his dog was incredibly well-behaved.. especially compared to my nutcase of a fur ball.

I didn’t really have much to say about myself. I told him I was freelance writing. He responded, “So you’re unemployed?” Ouch. *insert insecure reaction here* I mean. Yeah, I was unemployed too, but damn. SO EMBARRASSING. Smart guys pick up on everything. THIS WAS WHY I DIDN’T WANT TROY TO INTRODUCE US.

Although it was a bit awkward at first (we both knew that Troy was setting us up and I’m a lame-0), we eventually hit it off.. and ended up talking about dating apps out of all the subjects. Jonathan told me he recently bought this dating advice website, to which I responded, “I probably read it before.” He laughed lol. Yes. Success.

Next thing you know, we ended up chatting for about three hours. If you’re a dog owner, then you’ll know that being at the dog park for three hours is an obscenely long time. AND WHERE THE EFF WAS TROY?!!? We looked around, and Troy was GONE *POOOOOOF*. How convenient.

Anyways, I guess Jonathan enjoyed our chat. Or maybe he found me boring but physically attractive, but we ended up trading numbers, and I went back to Troy’s apartment. I was in the middle of scolding him when I received a ding on my phone.

Jonathan hit me up with a text, “What r u up to?”

Within three text messages, I was at Jonathan’s place doing stuff. Yeah. Stuff. With Netflix playing in the background.. and that was the beginning of our little fling. UGH I’M A WEAK WOMAN. That night, I remember he said I was welcome to stay over, but I decided to go home. I didn’t want to stay over, c’mon. I know what I look like in the morning, and Jonathan didn’t need to see it. After we did our business, I slept a little bit in his arms, said my goodbyes, and quietly left.

Thinking back, going upstairs to his place the first day we met was my first mistake. When I realized that this guy was Dream Guy material, I should have played my cards WAY differently. Oh well.. what happened happened, and at the time, I didn’t want a relationship, so I ended up throwing opportunities like that out the window.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Bringing My Dog on a Hike

Life has been a lot better now that I have my dog back (See Related: Who Keeps the Dog? Stealing Simba Back From My Crazy Ex). I’ve been hanging out with friends, getting my court papers in order, and getting settled into my new apartment. I’ve also been trying to get back into working out and being active, so I decided one day to go hiking with Simba.

We went to one of those dog-friendly hiking spots, just me and him. Since my little fur baby was getting older, I wanted to try  taking him off his leash just to see if he’d behave. Well…right now he sucks. His normal while he’s on-leash is to pull, pull, pull. However, when I set this fella loose into the park, he ran around me like some little maniac. Then another owner and her dog walk by, and Simba began following that doggy.

When I mean “following”, I actually mean chasing!

First of all, I was confused and didn’t know what to do. This was a new thing to me. I guess Simba zoned out too because at one point he ran STRAIGHT AT ME, or rather, THROUGH ME.

Me: “NoOOOOOOO SIMBA STOPPPPPPPPPP”
*WHAM*

Like some kind of cartoon character, I was swept forward onto a faceplant. In front of my new friend Monica too!! That’s the name of the other dog owner — the one Simba was chasing. Anyways, she tried really hard not to laugh but girl busted out laughing. Double ouch.

I didn’t really care about the embarrassment, it was pretty funny. But DAMN. It fucking hurt. I now have scratches on my hands, elbows, hips, and I’m definitely going to bruise tomorrow.

Simba: 1, Homegirl: 0

Self Reflections On My Balcony

There was this whole drama I went through when my mom kept accusing me of being a drug addict. When she came to take me back home, my ex had told her that I’m addicted to marijuana. Probably true, but I honestly don’t think weed is bad. My mom on the other hand.. she thinks that shit is like heroine or meth or crack. Bleh.

Troy (The dude who helped me in this post: Who Keeps the Dog? Stealing Simba Back From My Crazy Ex) gave me some weed to take home, so I’ve been smoking a pinch of weed each night at my apartment to help calm my stress nerves.

Oh yeah! I moved into my new place! I’m almost settled, and it makes me feel somewhat stable. So much so that I feel like I’m in the clear to smoke now. Afterall, marijuana is legal in California. *wink* don’t tell my mom though seriously.

The only thing keeping me off-kilter now is my pending immigration interview with an immigration officer and my ex. My mom wants me to go through with it. I don’t. Decisions, decisions.

I’m still broke…and hemorrhaging money everyday. Just my car alone, going back and forth seeing Simba (my dog) from my place to Troy’s. I guess it could be worse.

The important thing is that I have my own spot now, that’s truly mine in a drama-free environment. After a year and a half of struggling, either couch-surfing or living with a fuckboy, I finally have MY OWN APARTMENT AGAIN. Roommates, whatever. It’s a great feeling, and if I wanna smoke a bit, fuck it.

I was smoking a cigarette on my balcony, gazing around my neighborhood. I was listening to an ad for Walmart of Target or something on YouTube, and realized the song was pretty good. It was one of those feel-good, optimistic, dreamy slow songs. While listening to it, I noticed the door open from one of the apartments across the street. A man holding a bright pink shopping bag walked out, and a woman was saying her goodbyes. They embrace. He follows her a bit back in, it seemed like he had something to say. I see a three-year-old kid, only wearing a diaper, happily jumping up and down on the couch behind the opened door. The man said bye to the kid, and that was it. The door closed, and I watched as he went down the stairs, walking away on the sidewalk with his pink shopping bag, checking his phone. I don’t know. It’s interesting to watch people.

I’m learning more things about myself, why I act the way I do. I think about whether or not I should change. All my life, since I was a kid, I’ve looked at guys like a conquest or a crutch. Ever since I was 12-years-old, my mind had always been wrapped around boys. Whether it was boy bands, school crushes, boyfriends, hookups, or dare I say–FUCKINGhusbands– I always prioritized it. That’s bad.

I managed to get by in my own life while being boy-crazy the whole time. Seems like my life is number two, while boy life and my romantic happily ever after was number one. Or perhaps being involved with someone else helped keep me in balance. I don’t know.

What do I want though? I had a lot of time to think about it.

I want to be recognized. I want to make a difference. I want to be respected career-wise. I want to be rich and successful and happy on my own. No man. To me, that is the ultimate dream. After I feel like I’ve reached this point, then perhaps that would be the time to consider something serious…

But how can I stop my feelings? Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to turn my emotions on and off like in The Vampire Diaries. Maybe only when it comes to the opposite sex. AH, a girl can dream right?

Who Keeps the Dog? Stealing Simba Back From My Crazy Ex

After moving back to SF (See: Moving Back to SF and Jump-starting My Car), I didn’t have much. I didn’t have my own place yet (I’ve since moved into my new apartment), I haven’t moved out of my old apartment with my crazy ex (I’ve since received a police escort to retrieve my immediate things), and I was unemployed (I’ve since started freelance writing). Things were falling back into place except for one thing.

My dog. A beautiful golden retriever puppydog named *Simba.

I was on the fence about what to do with Simba. The apartment I currently lived in didn’t allow pets, but with the right service paperwork, I could keep him. That would take time though. The other option was giving him up to a nice family. Sad.

After chatting with my old co-worker about possibly finding another owner for Simba, she instructed me to send a short doggy bio and attach pictures, so she could forward it over to the appropriate people.

I sat in front of my computer staring at the cutest pictures of Simba, and I just didn’t have the heart to do it. I could not give my baby away. So I ended up thinking very hard.. and came up with a third option. I needed to find someone who could temporarily foster Simba. Someone with dog experience who lived in SF.

It took about an hour, but I finally found someone who fit the criteria. His name is *Troy and he was an old acquaintance from college.

I didn’t go into detail, and I honestly didn’t know what he could do for me, but I contacted him. After a few minutes, this dude responds, “I’ll help you.” DUDE. He didn’t even know what I was going to ask for!

Troy: “If you’re desperate enough to ask me, then you’re probably in a bad situation.”

Wow. What a good guy. He didn’t even want to hear the entire story, respected my privacy, and was willing to help foster Simba. I owed him a huge favor.

I realized I owed a lot of people huge favors. All my life, I prided myself in not needing anyone for help, and here I was depending on strangers and friends to keep myself afloat. I will repay them in the future for helping me go through this tough time in my life, I swear.

I happily emailed my old co-worker telling her that I found a solution, and I’m going to keep Simba forever. I’m in it for good now. She was happy. I was happy. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

Even though I officially had a plan for Simba now, I was still worried. My ex kept threatening he was going to sell him on Craigslist. He kept complaining so much that I was concerned about my dog’s safety. If I know my ex, I know he’s irresponsible and inconsistent. He would overfeed Simba one day and another day completely “forget” to feed or even bother walking him. He’s threatened to give him away before, but when the buyer asked for Simba’s paperwork, it had MY NAME on it as his owner. HE’S MY DOG YO, so my ex couldn’t legally give him away without my express permission.

<^>(0_0)<^> The hate is real.

Anyways, I met up with my friend *Lily, and we went on a mission to save Simba from my ex. You see.. Simba lived in my old apartment. I was so scared to enter without a police escort, but the time to call them had passed. I needed to get in there. My ex knew this, which was why he held onto Simba in the first place.

My ex was under the impression that Lily was going to come pick up our dog alone, so he would need to wait outside to let her into the apartment. Nope. She didn’t want to interact with him at all, so we both went stealth-mode in my car. We spied him waiting outside the building, and I snuck in through the side garage, out of sight.

The plan was to get inside undetected, and grab Simba and his things as fast as we could before my ex returned. Unfortunately, Simba threw a fucking wrench into our plans when we got there. Did I also mention that my ex owns a parrot? This parrot might as well been a guard dog because that little thing was squacking away.. drawing so much attention.

To top things off, Simba PEED all over the place from excitement. Does my ex not walk him? This dog peed a fucking ocean in the apartment! So here we were.. parrot screeching his lungs out as I scurried to clean up the pee-pee mess. The trashcan was empty with no bag or anything. I glanced out the window, and MY EX WAS TURNING BACK TO GO INSIDE. Fuuuuuccckkkk.

So in a rush, Lily and I left the mess on the ground and RAN. Barely missing him, I bolted out of the garage and drove AWAY!

We did a victory cheer on the way back to Lily’s place. I believe I even went into my canine-state and began howling. We walked Simba, he did his potty business, I thanked Lily for her time, and I drove straight to Troy’s apartment to drop off Simba. Everything was getting better, bit by bit.

Troy and I came up with a plan: I was going to come by during the day, while he worked, and he could watch Simba at night. I would be around to help as much as I could, and I could also write at his place. Probably better that way.

I was very grateful to everyone who helped me without asking for anything in return, and it’s something I’ll always remember. I’m happy I got my doggy back.

Bumped Into An Old Tinder Match in Real Life

The following Sunday after ending things with Ronny (The dude from this post: Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married), I spent some quality home girl time with my boo-thang Josie (The girl from this post: Moving Back to SF and Jump-starting My Car). We decided to hit up a local bar to catch the football game and grab a couple beers.

Of course, boys were on my mind, but I mostly wanted to kick back and enjoy the game with my friend. I was (am still) in the middle of finding myself, exploring what I really like, doing things that I want to do without the influence of a man. Yup.

And apparently one of the things I really like doing is watching *hometown* sports games at a *hometown* bar in San Francisco full of obnoxious *hometown* fans. Makes me feel like I’m at home even though I’m actually 3000 miles away. The only bad thing about me watching *hometown* games is.. well.. I’m cursed. Every single football game I’ve ever watched these guys play, they’ve lost. Even when they were still up. Even when they had gone undefeated for the season. I was working on breaking my curse.

About one beer and a bathroom break later, Josie and I walk towards a different corner of the bar, and I immediately recognize this guy.. Steve. We matched on Tinder a couple years ago, but we never met up. He was tall and cute and educated and from the East Coast like me. We both had a love of *hometown* sports, which is how we ended up running into each other.  Like the creep I am, I remembered him. I remembered his name too WTF?

Working my girly swag, I emanated sexual energy. I let that shit radiate off of me. I’m just kidding, but my hair looked great that day. I avoided eye contact and concentrated on the football game, but only after I told Josie about him. She was watching Steve like a hawk, reporting his every movement under her breath to me because we’re sneaky like that.

Josie: “Oh, he just saw you.. He turned around.” (A minute later) “He turned around again, twice, three, he definitely sees you. He’s coming.”

Love that feeling when a guy you find attractive approaches you. More guys should do it. I totally totally encourage that.

Next thing you know, Steve is next to us and starts talking. My initial reaction? He’s not the best conversationalist, but he was my type… physically. He was very cute with them dark eyes, and he ended up inviting us over to his table for some drinks. Unfortunately, Josie didn’t want to join. She was busy working her game on this dude she called “Hapa” (pretty sure this is a derogatory term referring to mixed-Asian dude). Sadly, I failed to notice Josie’s flirting, and I ended up cock blocking her, dragging her to Steve’s table instead. Womp womp, sorry girl.

Let’s be real though. I don’t care how oblivious you are, women usually know when a guy is interested. Steve was definitely interested. Simple hand brush on my lower back. Caress on my arm. His overall proximity. Of course, his interest was kind of obvious since he approached us first and invited us over to his table. Duh.

Blah blah. We were all happily watching the game, it was close. Next thing you know, during a crucial play…*Quarterback throws the ball to *Tight end, who is in the end zone…and *Tight end drops it. Game over. We lost. My curse still exists. So sad.

In a depression, Josie decided to go home, but I told her I was going to stay for a bit to sober up. It ended up being me, Steve and his buddies. When he heard I was planning on driving, he told his friends to go ahead, he’ll come back later. He ended up grabbing some water and ordered a plate full of buffalo wings for me. Man after my heart.

Yes, the way to my heart is food. Lots of delicious, fattening food. We ended up chatting, getting to know each other during this sober-up meal. Talked about his job. Horoscopes. My dog. Schools we went to. The basics.

After an hour or so, I felt fine, so I offered him a ride home since he Ubered out. When I dropped him off, he really went in for a kiss. Man. Good kisser. We traded numbers at the bar already, so he told me to text him when I got back safely. I took a peek at my screen and saw Ronny was still blowing up my phone. I was ignoring him though.

When I got back home, I parked, sat in the car for a bit, and smoked a cigarette while listening to Tove Lo’s “This Time Around” because I’m an emotional mess. Steve was texting, blah blah. It was chill, and he asked me out for that upcoming Thursday night. At the moment, I was interested, so I said OK.

Fast forward to a few days later.

Radio silence, and it was already Wednesday. I got shit to do ya know, so I texted him to confirm. Hours later, he cancelled saying he forgot he made plans with his work buddy.

Whatever, all I heard was FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE. So I didn’t respond.

My photographer friend posted amazing pictures of me and Josie on Facebook shortly after I had finished chatting with Steve. Not gonna lie, we looked like a couple of American Apparel models. You know what I’m talking about, dress real sexy on the top, and then offset the sexiness by throwing on a pair of sneakers instead of heels and proceed to act like fools.

Anyways, I guess Steve was curious about who he cancelled his date with, and BAM. I’m pretty sure he saw my pictures and realized what he did. AIN’T NOBODY FLAKES ON A DATE WITH ME WITHOUT REGRETTING IT LATER BIZNOTCH. CAN’T BREAK THIS CONFIDENCE.

He tried to spark a conversation about one of the pictures my friend posted, but I was pretty dismissive. C’mon. Ain’t nobody got time for that for real. He asked me out again for Friday (hours later) to grab drinks with him and his buddy. He added that I could bring along Josie if I wanted, but I told him I had other plans.

I did not have other plans, but I also didn’t want to hang out with Mr. Flake anymore.

Whatevers. Guys exasperate me.

My Ex’s New Girlfriend Emailed Me

YUP. Just when I thought I was free from my crazy ex, I get a weirdo email from his new girlfriend. So weird. Full disclosure, my ex and I are separated, but we’re still married. I’m currently navigating through the divorce process (alone), since he’s absolutely useless. Like seriously.. useless.

Anyways, I get this email from his new girlfriend. The subject like is like “HE DOESN’T KNOW I’M EMAILING YOU” or some bonkers crap like that. Then the actual email goes a little something like this:

“I don’t know what to believe. I drive back and forth to see him all the time, and he doesn’t seem to appreciate it. He keeps saying things, but they just don’t add up. Am I wasting my time? It doesn’t make sense that everyone is so against him, at the same time, I know how he gets when he drinks. I just want to hear your side because there are two sides to every story.”

Blah blah. I should have answered with a simple, “RUN, GIRL.” But no. I didn’t. I was still really angry from the way my ex handled things. How he drained me of my energy and took advantage of my love for him. A part of me felt really sorry for his new girlfriend. A part of me wanted to ignore her altogether. Another part of me was just thinking.. better her than me.

Anyways, I told her the truth about him. Maybe a little too much truth.. I might have made myself sound a bit crazy. She responded with this:

“I shouldn’t have gotten in the middle of this. It’s between you two. You are being unfair to him. You know he can make it in America, why are you doing this to him? Why can’t you just give him a break? He has made mistakes, and he knows it. Why are you making him pay?”

Ugh. By “making him pay” I had to go to some immigration interview to PRETEND that we were still married so that he could get his greencard and work in America. FUCK THAT. Dis bitch pisses me off. Was that how delusional I was when I was with him? I know it’s not her fault. My ex is quite the manipulative one who loves to take on the whole “everyone’s against me” thing, so I can’t really blame her for thinking that way. But girl.. don’t waste my fuckin’ time.

Anyways, I blocked her.

Word of advice? If your ex’s new lady decides to contact you, just ignore her. She’s blinded, and won’t listen to a word you say. Sorry he’s driving another woman nutso, but it’s not your problem anymore. If she’s smart, she’ll figure it out on her own.

Honestly though. I’ve never harbored any bad feelings about exes until this one. I really dislike the guy. I wish I were over it, and I’m well aware that I sound like a bitter, bitter woman.. but he really was the lowest of the low. Like…true sociopath, it’s NUTS.

At the same time, I should have recognized the signs of abuse and sexism wayyyyy earlier. Shame on me. At least now I know.

Stop Being Jealous, You Have a Girlfriend

I laugh at how my mind works sometimes. I’ve been told that my personality is a mixture of a douchebag and an emotional girl, trapped in the body of an angel-faced Asian chick. It’s interesting how accurate this description is. Sometimes.

Anyways, the story continues. I went on a date with Cop Guy, and it was a really fun and relaxing date. Classy food, engaging conversation, and he… was very easy on the eyes. His voice was smooth like caramel, enough to sweet talk any girl into bed. Womp womp. We discussed high school, our upbringing, shared funny stories — completely enamored with each other. Well, I’m not really sure if he was enamored, but I definitely was. We had a great night, and I really liked him.

Even though I opened myself up to dating, I didn’t want to get hurt again. After my nightmare of an ex, I knew that if I had my feelings attached to one guy, I would only be in for a disappointment again, or I’d get roped into another relationship. I really didn’t want a relationship anymore. Not for a long time, and if I were to get into another relationship, the man would have to go very, very slowly emotionally.

Yeah I didn’t mention sexually, but the sex needs some holding off from as well. For a long time, whenever I saw an attractive male, my mind went straight to: “BANG ME. YOU’RE HOT. I’M CURIOUS AND THIRSTY.” Apparently that’s not good. I really don’t care if other people do it, and in the spirit of this whole “hook up culture” that this young generation is embracing nowadays, why not? Fuck it. Literally.

Shrug. I don’t know. Steve Harvey had to go and publish “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” and confuse me. If you give away the damn cookie too soon, he’s gonna get bored and ain’t gonna want it for long. 

When I sleep with someone immediately like that without them working for it…it sets me up. Changes the dynamics immediately. Men are not wired the same way as women. The ones that I like, they’re not wired to get attached emotionally after sex. It’s all physical. Yeah I like them macho, assertive dudes. It’s a conquest, and if it’s too easy for them, they just keep them in their rotation. Did I want to be that kinda woman?

To protect my heart from Cop Guy, I went out on a date with Ronny the next week.. I wrote about him in Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married. Yeah, I don’t know what I was doing going out with a dude with a girlfriend.

Even though Cop Guy was still checking in on me everyday, so was Ronny. I was open and honest with Ronny because it’s not like we had any real future together. I was myself with him. I told him who asked me out on dates, and where I was going because I was under the impression that he was not a jealous guy. Why should he be? He had a girlfriend.

Boy, was I wrong. Not only was he jealous, he was possessive, he was irrational, he was selfish and a bit judgmental and controlling. Is that my type? WHY DO I KEEP ATTRACTING GUYS LIKE THAT? He didn’t say anything about my date with Cop Guy (yet), but he asked me out for drinks afterwards. I should have said no, but I still had some lingering feelings from when I was in Connecticut. Afterall, when I was feeling down and low, Ronny was the person who helped steer me towards picking myself up. He was the one who finally convinced me to get a police escort to move out of my ex’s place, and part of the reason why I moved back to SF was the possibility of us hanging out. 

Perhaps I’m giving him too much credit, and I need to give myself more. *mental slap across my face* I need to remind myself that I wanted to get my shit together. OK. YEAH, THAT’S IT.

But Ronny did help me deal with some personal shit, regardless of how fucked up his womanizing was. ANYWAYS, we got drinks.. we chatted. Then we had a “moment.”

You know that moment when you’re having a good time with someone, but don’t necessarily feel the sexual tension quite yet? Well, after a drink, I felt that with Ronny. We locked eyes, and all I wanted him to do was kiss me… Unfortunately, his confidence and energy was nothing compared to Cop Guy’s. Officer Cheddar had pure confidence. Pure sweetness. It felt genuine. The sexual tension between us was present throughout the entire date. I felt nervous butterflies. Or maybe I felt intimidation.. shrug.

Ronny? Not so much. He didn’t really keep himself trim. Dad bod for sure, which was sadly a turn off. I’m no Victoria’s Secret model, but sports and workout activities are a big part of my life, so I stay fit.

I purposely smoked a cigarette because a) post-drink cigarette is awesome, and b) I didn’t want Ronny to kiss me (he didn’t smoke). I would have tasted gross. Surprise, surprise, he went for it anyways, and ugh he was a good kisser. UGH. Dude was taken!!!! What was wrong with me? Oh right.. I needed to protect my heart from falling for Officer Cheddar.

From another point of view.. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted. I was single. I wasn’t cheating on Officer Cheddar (we’d only been on one date). But Ronny definitely cheated… and all he wanted to do was continue doing it. That was what really pissed me off, but I guess I wasn’t pissed off enough since I continued chatting with him afterwards.

I didn’t cut Ronny off until a few days later. He couldn’t handle that I went on a date with a cop. What really set me over the edge was when he said that I was quick to jump into a date with a guy. Then whatever he blurted out afterwards sounded A LOT like he was slut-shaming me. Lecturing. Judging. Kept talking about my faults.

I guess he lost his temper a bit. But, you know what that made me think? Bye, Felicia. That was the end of me and Ronny.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

I was reading the latest edition of Psychology Today (the magazine, is there a difference?), and it was about dealing with difficult people. I thought it was really informative and interesting. It made me evaluate family, friendships, and other types of relationship I’ve had in the past, and how I acted with them.

First off, what is a toxic person?

You know what I’m talking about.. It’s that friend who’s June Gloom all year long. It’s that co-worker who’s criticizing what you do no matter how hard you’re trying. It’s that ex who blamed you for every problem. It’s that family member who compared you to a sibling or cousin or friend’s kid. A toxic person is someone who drains your energy, and whenever you leave the room after spending time with them, you consistently feel more negative about yourself and your own life. Perhaps YOU’RE the toxic person *gasp*.

How to Identify the Red Flags? Mmm. Lots of ways.

1) They talk about themselves a lot. No interest in your life at all even if you’re going through something heavy in your own life. Subject is either changed with a swiftness or completely ignored.

2) They are negative, negative, negative Nancy. Down, down, down. Sad face emojis all over the place.

3) They blame others for their problems. Friends, family members, exes, their upbringing, their past, their boss, the person sitting next to them on the bus, the Starbucks barista, Blah, blah. Anyone but themselves, maybe even you.

4) They have an addiction or extreme lack of self-control. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex (like, several times a day everyday sex, or maybe I’m just doing it wrong).

5) They’re manipulative bastards (or bitches!) And you won’t know what hit you. They capitalize on your feelings. They know how to use you.

6) …and lots of other stuff I can’t really recall right now, but you get the gist. 

So basically it’s me!!! Just kidding, but I do have those moments.

I used to think that if a person’s heart was in the right place, and they were THERE for you as a friend.. Then their cons didn’t really matter. I don’t believe that anymore. I really believe that if you decide to keep a toxic person in your life, their bad vibes will not only spread to you (that shit is contagious man), you’ll also have a tough time maintaining your own sanity. If you think that you can take care of them, handle them, or even change/”fix” them, you really need to ask yourself WHY you feel the need to do that. That’s a YOU problem m’dear.

I remember a dear friend I had in college. Let me start by saying we’re not friends at all anymore. We were close, practically besties. We were there for each other when we were struggling, and she helped me out of some shit while we were growing up. We chatted everyday online and hung out regularly. Throughout the years though, our ways of thinking changed. I noticed some things.. She was extremely self-centered, shallow, materialistic, hateful of others, judgemental, insecure, flaky, and she didn’t really empathize well with others.

I was starting to notice that whenever I finished chatting with her, I felt extremely insecure about my own life. She would insinuate things like how I was not good enough. How my then-boyfriend was not good-looking enough. How my other friends were kind of lame. She started criticizing my appearance (my face, my body-shape, things I couldn’t change about myself). Instead of being happy about my promotion, she would say something about how my raise could have been better, or it wasn’t that hard to get promoted. She would ask questions, “how come you sound so much smarter in your writing than you do in person?” Or make comments like, “No offence, but guys approach you because you have a slutty face.” She would blatantly flirt with my boyfriends when my back was turned.

We also went through a lot together. When I was dumped by a boyfriend the day before an important exam, I totally shut down, and she covered for me. She was always available to come over when I was sick or needing a friend. When she found out she had a cancerous tumor growing, I was there for her if she needed anything at the hospital, at home, work. A number of things — we talked about her sucky boyfriends, my sucky boyfriends. Yeah we talked about boys a lot gimme a break.

But it came to a point where our conversations hit a wall. She started judging my other friends on things they couldn’t change. AND she became helllllaaa religious yo.

I finally cut off our 5-year relationship after she told me that all gay people were going to hell. Like she genuinely meant it.. knowing who I was, what I stood for, the good friends I cared about who struggled with their sexuality. I was livid she would say that.. After she had been through what she had been through in life.. She could judge others like that? She even said it didn’t matter whether or not they were good people, “the Bible says it.” OK. The Bible also said some other pretty specific things that she was guilty of.. What did that say about her? In my eyes, she was a hypocrite! Bleh.

It was a friendship that was meant to end, but I hope the best for her.

I haven’t spoken to her in many years, but I’m clearly still thinking about her. Not everyday, but there are some memories. Like any relationship, we’ve had our good times too.. even though most of our moments together were either weird or just plain awkward and bad. This was someone I cared deeply about. Cutting off a bond with someone is not an easy thing to do, but when it comes to your own mental health.. you gotta do what you gotta do. If you’re someone who finds cutting ties easy.. Yikes!

Now that I’m a bit older, and especially after going through my experiences with My Toxic Husband, I’ve learned that sometimes you need to let your brain take control. If you let your heart run around making rampant decisions, it might turn out OK, but most of the time, you’re just hurting yourself.

Moving Out of My Ex’s Place

I don’t even know if I want to share what happened when the police standby finally arrived. It was really awkward. There were two cops…one male, one female. They asked me if my ex wanted me to leave, and what he would possibly do. I said I honestly have no idea because he changes his mind everyday, and it’s difficult to know what he really wants to do. I just wanted to move my things out.

When we arrived, of course my ex was there.. he tried to play everything off as if I was making a big deal over nothing. He apologized to the officers for the inconvenience, and I was relieved they didn’t really fall for the faux-charm. He followed me into the bedroom as I was packing and hugged me. Awkward. I didn’t want him to touch me. After I rejected his embrace, he tried to compromise with me about what to do about the apartment, with our dog, with moving, with expenses. Buddy.. it’s a little too late for that. I gave him several opportunities to talk to me about that stuff. Besides, everything that we would have discussed at that moment would only be changed later on because he’s unstable as fuck. I just wanted to grab my things and dip.

My ex hovered as I packed the rest of my belongings, and I was trying to decide if I wanted to bring the television. Ugh. Not strong enough. I was going to take the dog too, but after my ex helped pack the first round of my things into my car, something snapped in him. Perhaps he realized that this was real. That I was actually leaving. There was no hope anymore for us to rekindle our marriage. He flipped. His good words suddenly changed into, “You punched me in front of my mother” or “You cheated on me, and you are addicted to weed. You drug addict.” He even turned to the police officers and asked them if I could get in any trouble, since he has pictures of when I punched him in the face during our fight.

I kept silent. What could I say? I knew what happened. I remembered how much he bullied me when we were together — how he’s still bullying me even as I was leaving. I knew he twisted the actual story around so much that I almost felt gaslighted. What could I say? I was so tired of repeating my version of things, I gave up. But my ex didn’t. It’s all he-said-she-said, and useless to me. I just wanted to be free.

Finally, the female cop lost her patience and said to my ex, “OK. Whatever happened between you guys, she’s LEAVING now. So what’s the problem?” Hallelujah praise the Lord, Miss Cop you are awesome. My ex quieted down and directed the anger towards me again. “You don’t deserve our dog. I’m keeping him. You can go.” It’s amazing. The lease was under my name, all my things were in the apartment. Everything inside.. mine, and here he is kicking me out of my own place. Robbed and robbed some more.

We ran into the building manager while we were with the police officers. Oh man, the look on her face. Shock? Intimidation? I asked timidly, “So…we need to end our lease.” She just shook her head and nodded to everything I said. No questions asked. We exchanged numbers (I’ve been trying to reach her repeatedly), and she said she would call me. After that happened, my ex was saying how I humiliated him, how this was not necessary, how awful I am…blah, blah, blah. I just got the fudge out of there, because I did not want to deal with it anymore. I left with the police officers, and drove away with the rest of my clothes.

Back to my actual shitshow of a love life (Related Posts: Out With the Old, In With the New). After I left my old apartment, I drove down the street and pulled over to send some texts out. First to Ronny, I explained that I moved my clothes out and spoke with the landlord. He was less annoying and more supportive. Then I texted Officer Cheddar and said that I needed a drink. Because honestly, I totally did. For now though, a cigarette would do. I needed to reward myself with some lunch…I was starving, so I went to my favorite Korean comfort soup spot. Sat there just eating and texting, and then I went to get some bubble milk tea afterwards.

I decided to grab another bubble milk tea drink for Officer Cheddar since he was kind enough to help update me with my police escort, and I stopped by the station. He came out in his uniform and damn. He looked good. So powerful. I don’t know if it’s the stench of manliness and confidence…and just.. Homeboy carries a gun for goodness sake.

He tried to ease the tension by giving me a hug, and speaking to me in such a gentle coo-coo voice like honey to my ears. I gave him a deep hug. I really needed it. Pressed my body all up against his, which I’m sure he didn’t mind. He only had a few minutes, but I’m pretty sure he was amused after observing my body language. He could tell I was nervous. Crossed arms, darting eyes, tightly wound up. I felt awkward, and he could see it. I did not act like this before! What was the difference now? Ah. It didn’t seem to deter him. He went back to work, and I gave him another hug. I was going to see him the next night, so this was a good pick-me-up.

Nothing like a good ole rebound. Dun dun dun.

Qualities I Look for in the Perfect Man

With all my crazy stories about disappointing love and hook-ups that go nowhere, I think it’s pretty clear I needed to put together a list of qualities that I was looking for in the perfect guy.

In reality, this list was something that I wanted myself to emulate. After all, you are who you attract, right? If you’re insecure, negative, and an overall sucky person — chances are, you’re probably going to attract the same type of person.

Well.. that’s no help to anyone! It’s why I put together this damn list.

Confidence is sexy. While many people have their own insecurities, no woman wants a dude who is always down on himself. At the same time.. over-confidence and cockiness is also a problem. Personally, I’m not down with that.

Loyalty is another thing, and this goes both ways. I can’t expect loyalty from a man if I’m out and about fuckin’ around too. I’ve dated guys who seemed perfect, they had it all except loyalty. What good is a “perfect” guy when he’s messing with 5 other chicks?

Responsibility is sexy AF. Nothing is hotter than a guy who has his shit together. I mean, you don’t even need to have everything together, but don’t be lazy. Do what you say you’re going to do and have good follow through.

Independence is usually not a problem with guys. There are the guys who have been single for awhile, so they’re really good at being independent. But once the first whiff of a potential relationship turns their way, they get all clingy/needy and stuff. I personally prefer when a guy is able to maintain his own life while finding time for me as well. No one wants to be in that relationship where one or both partners lose themselves.

Stand-up guys are awesome. I’m not talking about comedy (though that helps too), but like… solid men. His friends and peers adore him, and you know you can always depend on him. He’s the dude who will always show up, and he will build you up when you’re feeling low.

Intelligence is a really big plus. I’m not Einstein, but I’d like to think I’m well-educated while being overall street-savvy. I need someone who can match me on both levels. Honestly, I find it difficult to find this balance in a guy. A guy who’s never graduated college could have oodles have street-smarts and have that “grit” you only get from living life. A dude with a diploma can talk about literature and numbers.. and there’s also an academic level of maturity. I don’t know. This one is hard to explain.

Fuckin’ swag man.  Seriously though, who doesn’t appreciate a man with some swagger? This comes in many different forms.. maybe he can dance, or he’s smooth AF, or he’s got those penetrating eyes that just disarm you. Not gonna lie, I’m a charming lady with lots of spunk, so you gotta match my skillz a bit.

Financially and emotionally stable guys are the way to go. My girls in TLC said it best.. ain’t nobody want no scrubs! If you don’t have enough money to pay for gas, HOW DA FUH are you able to survive bro? Ain’t no way I’m taking care of you. If I have to lend my man money, OH HAIIIILLLLLZ NO. Also, if you’re getting mad at me over every little opinion I have, trust I won’t be sticking around for long. I NEED A GUY WHO CAN HANDLE ME.

Have a good heart. My dad isn’t going to be winning any Dad of the Year awards soon, but when I visited him back in October (Related Post: Visiting My Dad in Prison), he gave me one piece of advice that I will always remember. When I’m looking for a guy.. be sure he’s good to others, good to me, and good to himself. Guys who are regularly kind and helpful to others are really sexy to me. Panty droppers.

There are other qualities too.. more minor. I also like them clean, fit/healthy, family-oriented, well-read, funny, handsome, direct, alpha males, protective, brave, decisive.. guys who are constantly pushing themselves towards success while maintaining humility.

My pattern though? I guess I kind of go for guys with the whole “started from the bottom” aspect about them. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of great guys who grew up privileged, and they still understand the value of kindness and hard work, but I just connect better with the guys who grew up with nothing. Who knows though.

So basically I’m looking for Mr. Unicorn. Whatever. I’ve worked hard throughout the years, and I’ve gone through certain experiences that have made me who I am today. If I can handle being most of these qualities, a dude can too.

Now I just need to weed through all these fuckboys..

Out With the Old, In With the New

I’ve always been a relationship girl. It’s kind of a huge issue. For the past decade, I’ve been in back-to-back long-term relationships. Most of them were good but boring, while a few were straight up toxic love kind of romances. I had about one or two well-balanced relationships where we could have gotten married, but I dipped when things started to stagnate. Since my freshman year college, the longest I’ve been single was for 3 months.

It’s almost like it’s impossible for me to be truly alone. Anyone who knows we well enough knows this all too well. With that being said, no one was really surprised that by the time I moved back to SF after being “single” for a month and a half, I was already talking to two dudes.

One dude was Officer Cheddar, and the other dude was Ronny. For the past couple weeks, I had already been chatting with Ronny almost everyday. He kept saying things like how we should meet up now that I’m finally back in town. Honestly, I wanted to because I liked him.. but for more obvious reasons, I mostly didn’t want to. I mentioned this several times already, but dude has a girlfriend. I don’t ever take these kind of guys seriously because a) grow a pair of balls and either fix your relationship or break up, and b) if he can do it to her, he can do it to another girl.

During this point in my “healing process” (Related Post: Moving on the Unhealthy Way), I was a big fan of “dispersing my love.” This is a technique that emotionally unavailable people do while they’re dating to guard their heart. If you put all your love into one person, you’re bound to get your heart broken. However, if you put a little bit of love into multiple people, the pain of heartbreak and rejection isn’t so bad.

So here I was.. dispersing my love between two guys. After texting Officer Cheddar back, we ended up chatting throughout the day. Our conversation started off innocently enough, but I think we were both in a place where we weren’t looking for anything serious at all. Not only was Officer Cheddar in the middle of a divorce, he also had two kids. Ahem. I’ve never dated a cop, a divorcee, or a father. I was in unfamiliar territory here.

The fascination of possibly going on a date with a cop kept me occupied for most of the night. I was so obsessed that I spent an embarrassing amount of hours Googling shit like, “What is it like to date a cop?” or “Dating a divorced father of two” or “Personality of a police officer” or “Are police officers jerks to date?” or “Sex with a cop.” If you were to look that shit up on Google right now, trust me when I say that I’ve read through all the top search articles. The thirst was real.

Officer Cheddar was a bold and direct guy though. He asked if I had a problem with tattoos, and I said nope. Shortly after this exchange, I found out he was almost completely tatted. Yummy. Tattoos on both arms, his chest, back, leg. Woof! This was gonna be fun. Perhaps I was caught up in the haze or missing attention, but it consumed me for a few days. I didn’t want to do anything! All I wanted to do was flirt with cop guy all the time. We planned a date for two nights later. Cheddar said he was going to handle everything and get reservations — all I had to do was to look beautiful, relax, and bring myself. I liked that. A man who could step up and not have me worry.

I was honest with Ronny and told him that Cop guy asked me out. Ronny’s jealous monster personality reared its ugly head after that, which was annoying. It was alright that he got jealous.. I mean, it’s a normal reaction if you like someone, and they start showing interest in someone else. What was NOT normal was when Ronny started saying things like, “Promise me you won’t sleep with him before you see me” or “Are you seriously already going to bang this dude this fast?”

First of all. Cut the crap. You have a girlfriend, and you have no claim over me, what I choose to do with my body, or how I handle my life. I’ve been in a fucking controlling and unhealthy relationship and shitty three-month marriage with the ultimate fuck boy already. There’s no way I was going anywhere near that territory ever again. I was having fun, so let me have fun if you really “care”. What was his story? Am I to assume that Ronny wasn’t having sex with his girlfriend? Geez. He was beginning to irritate me.

Even though he was “there” for me during my struggle times the past couple weeks by giving me some valuable life advice, he still had NO RIGHT to tell me what to do just because he felt like he needed to see me first. Hypocrite. He sure as hell better not judge me or ANY OTHER WOMEN for who they choose to have sex with. I can’t deal with these misogynistic men.

Meanwhile, I was actually starting to get pretty attached to Cop guy when in fact, I barely even knew him. There were a few reasons.. a) I liked the novelty of flirting with a cop, b) I liked that he was an alpha male while still being a gentleman, c) he was helping me handle my police escort case with my ex (Related Post: The Story of My Toxic Husband), and d) believe it or not, I was attracted to him because he was divorced.

One thing about being in a state of limbo with my ex was that I didn’t really know what term to identify myself with. I was technically not single. Technically not married either. I guess separated, but not legally. I was ashamed of my relationship with him, and Officer Cheddar was the only guy who knew about my divorce process and understood the struggle.

I think I’m going to try to cut Ronny loose though. I ain’t got time to deal with petty arguments and drama from grown ass men anymore. It was time for me to listen to Officer Cheddar’s advice.. “look beautiful, relax, loosen up a little.”

Blah, blah, blah. That’s all for now.

Getting Asked Out By a Cop

I woke up the next day on my friend’s couch, but I had some things to do. I needed to replace my battery ASAP (Related Post: Moving Back to SF and Jump-starting My Car). I also needed to visit the local police station to file a report, and figure out how a police escort would work. A lot of thought went into my decision to contact the police. I didn’t feel safe around my ex, and there was no way I could go in there alone while avoiding his harassment. I also did not want to drag any of my friends into this mess.. I just wanted to safely retrieve my things from my apartment.

After getting my car battery fixed (I also got an oil change), I went to the police station. I waited a little bit in the seating area before going up to speak with Officer Cheddar (in case you didn’t notice, the name is changed). Officer Cheddar was a big guy, and by “big” I mean.. holy bajeeebus he was the jacked bodyguard type. Not my usual lean type, but if I ever needed protection…HELLO Officer Cheddar.

I guess I was dressed pretty nicely that day. Hair was slicked back in a ponytail, I had on a sheer top, colored contacts, skinny jeans and sensible heels. Shrug.

Officer Cheddar was really friendly. I told him that I needed to file a report because someone got into my car and stole some things. He wrote down my information, and he followed me back to my car for an initial inspection. For some reason, as I was walking back towards the door.. I felt like he was staring at my ass.

Like forreal, that’s what I felt!! I hope I wasn’t walking like a turd.

After Officer Cheddar examined my car, he said there was no forced entry, so it’s likely I left my own door open. His keen eye also caught the stains on my dashboard, “Wow, whoever broke into your car poured soda all over it,” he said. “That sucks.”

My response was an uncomfortable, “Oh.. that was my ex” Which led me to continue, “…so, I came here with another issue as well…” He immediately looked up, and gave me a safe space to be open.

I told him that I recently left my husband a month ago, and you know what this weirdo Officer Cheddar did? He said, “I’m just ending my divorce too, high-five!” It was comical, but a bit insensitive.. but since I needed a bit of laughter in my life, I awkwardly high-fived him and averted eye contact. So fucking weird.

I was asking him for more information about a police standby, while he started initiating idle chit-chat about my personal life. Not gonna lie, I loved the attention. I’ve been to a police station before, and the officers there did not give me this treatment. He told me he needed to re-write my paperwork, and we went back inside the police station.

Officer Cheddar was extremely good at multitasking. He was thorough and took his sweet ass time going over my case, while interweaving questions about my personal life. Getting to know me. “Where are you from? Are you a sports fan? Your ex was a model? You guys would have had good looking children. Are you Chinese?” Dude was flirting for sure. A girl knows this stuff!

After he finished all my paperwork, he told me that I actually went to the wrong station. Since I was in a different district, he couldn’t personally handle my case, but he was going to fax my paperwork over to the correct place. He went back outside to examine my car again (he didn’t need to do this), and he stood nearby to chat for a little bit before going back inside the station.

While I was sitting in my car, I was texted Josie to see if we could meet for an early dinner and do some errands. She replied, “Haiilll ya.”

While GPSing directions to Union Square, I spotted Officer Cheddar coming back from the corner of my eye. Did he forget to tell me something? I opened my door a bit, and he said in a very businesslike manner, “If you have anymore questions, you can actually reach me on my cell phone.. do you have a pen?” Surprised and a bit flustered, I rummaged through my mess of a car for a pen, but to no avail. I shrugged and just grabbed my cell phone and plugged his number in. I asked what his first name was. It was Jerry. He was officially on my contacts list as “Jerry Popo” because well.. he’s a cop.

He went back, and I sat in my car for another couple minutes debating whether or not I should text him. This had never happened to me before, and I was kind of in love with the novelty. I still had a shitload of personal stuff to do like moving out of my ex’s place, preparing for my interview, and figuring out what to do about my hot mess of a life. But I welcomed the distraction, so I caved and texted him, “Hey Officer Cheddar! It was nice to meet you, thanks for your help.” This shit was too intriguing not to follow-up on.

I started driving to meet Josie for dinner. By the time I parked and arrived at the restaurant, I checked my phone. One new text message.

Officer Cheddar: No problem. You’re very pretty.

Just like that we started chatting from there. Bom chicka wowowowowoww. Homegirl just scored herself a cop. A low-key unprofessional cop, but he was hot, and my fascination was piqued.

 

Moving Back to SF and Jump-starting My Car

After a couple months of living with my family back in *hometown, I felt like I was finally ready to move back to San Francisco. After all, I needed to move out of my old apartment with my ex, and I also needed to be in the city to look for a full-time job. I was finally in a place where I felt emotionally strong enough to face my ex (Related Post: Moving on the Unhealthy Way), and I was ready to build myself up again.

When I moved back to SF, I immediately met up with one of my best friends Josie, and caught her up on all my boy drama. I was excited to share my interest in Ronny (Related Post: Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married), and she shared her guy troubles as well. We went on a mission to retrieve my car, which was parked in my apartment’s garage. We were supposed to *quickly* retrieve my car, so I would be able to drive myself around.

However, when we got there.. I noticed the driver’s door was slightly ajar, and my coin bag along with some petty cash — stolen. As added icing to this terrible cake, my car’s battery was also dead. Completely dead.

Me and Josie freaked out. The whole point of this whole drop off was so I could grab my car and skedaddle the fudge out of my garage before my ex showed up. To this day, I have no idea what the full story was behind my car. My ex has a history of picking locks and breaking into places. Did he break in and purposely kill the battery so that I had no where to go? Was I in such a state of emotional turmoil before I moved back home that I left the doors unlocked? Anyways, there was no time to wonder. We needed to fix this problem and get out of there.

I texted Ronny  to see what I could do. No use. He was trying to help, but how can a guy with a girlfriend have time to help me anyways? Was he supposed to come meet me? Nope. Not possible. Word of advice? Don’t get involved with dudes with girlfriends.

Me and Josie were racking our heads trying to figure out how to do this. The person who really saved the day was my sister. She sent me a YouTube video on “How to open the manual release of my car” and it was such a lifesaver! I learned that even though my car battery was completely dead, I could still manually put the car into neutral, and pop the release out with something knife-like. Once that happened, I could push the car out so that Josie could jump my battery. Oh yeah, did I mention that Josie keeps jump cables in her car? Pretty damn awesome.

Since we didn’t have anything that resembled a knife, we decided to improvise and use the back of an earring (props to being girls!!!!) I jiggled open the release, and we did it! Take THAT dead battery. After successfully jumping my car (after a few hours), I went back to another friend’s place to get some rest.

 

 

Even though the day didn’t turn out as planned, I felt one step closer to fixing my life.

This was my checklist:

• Get car, replace battery
• File a police report at the station
• Request a police escort to get things from apartment
• Move everything out of old apartment into new place
• Figure out a plan for rescuing my dog from ex
• Figure out a plan for getting a marriage annulment
• End contract with immigration lawyer for ex’s greencard
• Get a full-time job
• Change health insurance

OK, so I didn’t really do ANYTHING on this list except for “Get car” but I still felt better. I felt a sense of accomplishment for being able to jump-start and push my car without the help of a man. I was tired of being the damsel in distress–that shit was not for me.

There are clearly so many things in my life that I could stress over, but I wanted to focus on the positives. I was so lucky to have Josie and my sister helping me. I was thankful to my other girlfriend for letting me stay on her couch for a couple weeks. I was grateful that another friend of mine let me take over her bedroom since she was moving out. I can pretend that I’m so independent and I don’t need anyone, but that’s not true. At the end of the day, all I needed were my friends and family. Although my car needed some hardcore maintenance done to it, I could still make it work. It was still operable.

In other news, I checked my email, and I had an interview for a pretty big online company. Fingers crossed on that one!

First Time Using Tinder as a Hook-Up App

That’s right, Tinder. The Craigslist of dating apps. Oh, and I actually used it as a hook-up app. That was one of the steps from my last post on Moving on the Unhealthy Way, and I planned on following through with it!

I had kind of half-hooked up with Keith (Related Post: My Long Term Casual Hook-Up), but I was trying to get laid. After being separated from my ex and fighting for the past couple months, I was starting to feel the thirst.

What?! Women have needs too. This is what happens when I don’t have a vibrator, and I’m living at home!

Anyways, after a couple weeks of swiping through the uglies and weirdos on Tinder, I finally matched with a guy I thought was sexy as hell. From his pictures, he was cute, lean, 6’0″, heavily tatted. His name was Dan, but I’m just going to call him Tinder guy. We chatted, and it was actually the first time I felt like I connected to one of these online dudes (on a very shallow level). Of course, I wasn’t looking for anything serious with him, but I wanted to at least get along with him.

The conversation started off friendly enough, but then it turned sexual.. which was what I was going for. This was my sexual adventure! I asked him what his shoe size was, and he said 13, and so I put his contact on my phone as “Dan Size 13”. Since we had good chemistry, we decided to meet before I moved back to SF. By “meet” I mean, him coming to my place to pick me up so I could stay over at his place. Something like that.

After reading all these horror stories about Tinder, I decided to take some precautions. I wasn’t planning on getting kidnapped or killed, so I told my overprotective little sister about my conversations with him. Well.. she kind of found out when she saw me texting on my phone. She looked over when she saw me smirking and read the contact name. “WHAT THE FUCK, WHY IS HIS NAME ‘DAN SIZE 13’? GROSS!!!!” Lol.

When he arrived, my beautiful and lovely little sister followed me out of our apartment in her sweats. She goes up to Tinder guy’s window and says, “I took a picture of your license plate and inspection sticker, so if anything happens to my sister, I’m watching you.” It was really sweet that she did that, but homeboy was also blasting Michael Buble from his car. He was NOT going to do anything to me.

I was actually pretty nervous meeting him since we had been chatting online and through text for a couple days already. I told him that I wanted “the boyfriend experience” hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I realize how weird that is right now, but whatever. I did not give a fuck.

He actually made my first and only Tinder experience pretty nice. I think we would have been good friends in another life. We were supposed to go to a bar or restaurant to grab some beer or something to drink/eat, but it was getting late so I just suggested his place and delivery. Keeps it simple bro. We hung out with his roommate, watched some TV, went upstairs to his room to watch some Netflix, and he gave me a toothbrush because I didn’t have one. Tinder guy was seriously a gentleman outside, but once the doors closed, he ended up being a beast in bed. BEAST. The only bad thing was that there was no kissing.. and I really love my cuddles and kissing. It was purely sex, and I got what I needed and had a good time.

The next morning, Tinder guy even made me coffee, and we watched Forrest Gump before he drove me back. I ended up coming back home with some delicious leftover buffalo wings and a new toothbrush! Is this how Tinder usually works?! Hmm.

To this day, Tinder guy still checks in on me (even though I live 3000 miles away).

All in all, I’m describing this as if this was really “good” treatment. It’s not. If you’re looking for something healthy, definitely don’t follow my example. I’m the wrong person for that. A real stand-up guy would not discuss sex until way later on, they would go out of their way to treat you with respect, and they would be honest, patient and kind. Quality guys want to get to know you as a person, while sharing things about themselves too. From life experience.. these guys are not on Tinder. These male unicorns are self-assured, confident, and don’t need to be on Tinder. I’ll save that topic for another post.

So if you’re looking for love, don’t go on fucking Tinder. Even if you match with someone, it doesn’t matter if you’re actually an amazing person, they’re going to have a different perception of you. Well, I don’t know — I’m sure there are exceptions. But personally, I wasn’t looking to impress anyone really. I knew what I was getting into when I started trolling Tinder for sex. I was looking for something exciting, which in my book meant being shady AF with a stranger.

By the way, I’m not trying to hate on anyone using Tinder. Practically all my friends are on it, and I just shared this ratchet story of mine. It was a fun experience, just not the first place I’d go if I was looking for love.

(If you want to read more, check out my first post: Moving Back Home)

My Long Term Casual Hook-Up

I’m going to talk about a long-time hook up of mine, Keith. I’ve been chatting with him regularly again ever since I moved back home, and it’s been interesting. We have the type of relationship where we are friends, we can talk about anything, we find each other somewhat attractive, and we are honest with each other. But there is absolutely zero romantic chemistry or future between us.

There are only a handful of guys in my life who have stuck around and maintained contact with me throughout the years, and Keith was one of them. It’s interesting to see how our relationship has changed (is still changing) over the past 7 years. Damn it’s been awhile.

In my last post, I talked about Moving on the Unhealthy Way. One of my strategies included hanging out with an old hook up. I didn’t go looking for Keith, he just happened to be free, and I decided to hang out with him when he asked. I needed a distraction from my mess of life.

For years already, Keith and I have had awkward sexual encounters. I’m talking awkward AF. They’ve always been terrible. We first met in college when I went out with a bunch of friends to celebrate a birthday. Keith was the manager at that particular bar back then, and we ended up chatting at my table while my buddies were busy alcohol poisoning the birthday boy. We didn’t really hit it off, but I thought he was cute so we became Facebook friends. Since I was in the middle of moving apartments, I sent out a story blast the next day, “Any strong men willing to help me move? I’ll buy you lunch.” Not sure if Keith had other intentions (let’s be real now, he probably did), but he volunteered to help. Yay, strong men. Anyways, he spent the whole weekend helping me move my shit, and I guess the sexual tension between us was so impalpable that we ended up hooking up. Kind of.

The first time we hooked up, we were both sexually frustrated 21-year-olds who were going out with other people. He was with a girl he had been dating for 4 years, and I was in a new relationship with a playboy. Yes, it’s already been established that I have questionable morals. Anyways, even though we were both trying to control ourselves, we actually ended up in awkward half sex. Basically, we started kind of making out…not even.. more like lips hovering near each other’s faces.. Hmm. I guess it was more like intense touching and lips brushing, while our pants came off and his penis went inside.. ONE STROKE. Then we both snapped to our senses, we immediately stopped, and he rushed back home to his girlfriend. End of story one.

Our second encounter was over a year later, after I had already moved across the country. I was newly single this time, and so was he. The timing was right, so we tried giving it a shot and started flirting again. Kind of. He wasn’t very good at it. Anyways, we chatted for a few weeks up until I went back home to visit my family for a few days. I decided to stay the night at Keith’s since we wanted to actually hook up this time. We didn’t have any boyfriends or girlfriends making us feel bad. It was cold and snowing in Connecticut at the time, and we walked to the gas station to buy condoms.

Homeboy had amazing foresight and only bought one condom (sarcasm). When we got back to his place, I realized he had a cat. Dun, dun, dun. I’m very allergic to cats. Long story short.. he didn’t last that long, and it was too cold to go out to buy more condoms, so I just laid there.. in frustration.. AND THEN THE CAT ALLERGIES KICKED IN and I turned into a sniveling mess. Luckily I had some Benedryl, so I could sleep that night, blue tubes and all.

The next morning, we both woke up at fucking 6AM because…dun dun dun. The building next door was literally ON FIRE. That shit was burning down. I remember running down the stairs, past Keith’s hallway window that caught a bit of the flame. What?! We ended up standing on the sidewalk in front of his house while the fire trucks came. At least he held me to keep me warm. I guess that was cool. But bizarre as fuck. Sign from God that we just weren’t meant to be.

We met a few times a couple years afterwards as friends. We didn’t do anything because I was seeing someone, and he was too.

But recently was our third time meeting as singles (I was already single in my head since my ex and I had broken up terribly). It was supposed to be a quick friends writing session and some bubble tea, but my self control went out the window, and I went back to his place. I tried inviting my sister, but she was like, “Oh HAILLLL no. Sounds awkward AF. See you at home.” I have a great sister.

Keith ordered some Chinese food, I said hello to his dog (cat was gone), and we watched old episodes of Friends. It wasn’t until we started playing a new show on Netflix when we moved things over to the bed. He didn’t pressure me at all, since we’re friends and all.. but I guess I missed being held. Things escalated, and we ended up hooking up. Kind of. No condoms and we didn’t plan on it!

Funny story though, I mentioned something about a vibrator as a joke, and he suggested using his electric toothbrush. Little did I know.. he was serious. I was shouting, “GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!” But I let him try it anyways.. and I’m ashamed to say that it was the most intense and orgasmic 20 minutes of my life. It was so fucking weird though because I wasn’t even turned on by him. It felt really clinical. I don’t know man, but it was time for me to skedaddle. I was not trying to stay over.

As we were leaving, I asked Keith, “Is it true that guys can be intimate with someone and not get attached emotionally?” He answered yes. Then I hit him with, “OK. Do that with me.” I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings. But seriously. Something had snapped in me. I felt a bit of guilt because I was technically still married. Even though it was a shitty, abusive, manipulative marriage, it was still a marriage. At the same time, I also felt liberated. Like I couldn’t go back now.

There was hope for me to move on. Just not with Keith, because he was my friend. The PERFECT friends with benefits. We cared about each other with no emotional attachment. We did what we had to do to get each other off. Friends do that for each other. Where’s my crying face laughing emoji?

When I got back to my apartment, I felt a little bit of sadness, but the moment was fleeting. For the first time since I moved back home from San Francisco though, I didn’t bother to check my spam messages, and I slept fucking well that night. Zzzzzzzz.

Moving on the Unhealthy Way

I tried to be healthy, I really did. I spent all my time with friends and family, in relative seclusion. I didn’t really go out or party too much, and I focused on my own shit, while helping out at home. Unfortunately, that approach was too slow for me. I like to get things done quickly with a bit of excitement. I did not want to waste any more time pining over an asshole. I hated being in that position.

Fast forward a month into my stay back home in Connecticut, I was doing my darndest to get over my ex. Blocking his number and email? Check. Deleting all of our pictures together? Check. Trying to forget about him? CHECK FOR SURE.

After my last therapy session, I decided that I was going to give our marriage another chance.. that I was going to see what . That night, I called him, and instead of being grateful that I was even giving him the time of day, he accused me of cheating on him. When I wasn’t. Here I was.. actually in a place to try again with him after he had been an utter shithead to me. Ugh.

I flipped my shit after our call. Being accused of things that you have not done SUCKS, especially when you’re trying your best. I was drug and alcohol free, and I was still being faithful even though our marriage was basically over. When you are going out of your way to give someone the benefit of the doubt, being honest, and trying your best.. it’s pretty damn demoralizing when they’re still trying to tear you down.

I hung up on him and decided that if he’s accusing me of being a cheater, being insecure and irrationally possessive/jealous.. it was time to move on.

Anyways, that was my final, last straw past no point of return. Forget giving us another change. You want to know how I moved on from my ex’s dicksand? Pretty crude, but I basically flirted my way out with a bunch of fuckboys.

For the first weekend, I completely ignored my ex’s emails. I had never even went a day without checking his emails before, but I did it that weekend. Here are some shady/thirsty rebound shit I did:

Downloaded Tinder, Home of the Fuckboys

Tinder was basically my first step to moving on.. I just wanted to find a hot guy to chat with online. I had no intentions to meet up because I was fucked up like that. I just wanted that ego boost to know I still got it. But DAYUM yo. After HOURS of swiping, swiping, swiping. NADA. No guys I was interested in. Hartford is small dude. I didn’t realize exactly how small it was until I started swiping through Tinder. I swiped past like… eight different guy friends in the area too. MY FRIENDS. *shivers*

After living in San Francisco, where the people are plentiful and beautiful, I forgot that the singles selection in Connecticut was whack AF. Not to be super shallow or anything (but yes, this is literally super shallow), these East Coast guys that I’d normally label as 6’s or 7’s were considered 8’s and 9’s here. The profile bios for these dudes would be like, “Graduated from Columbia/Harvard/MIT/attorney/doctor/researcher [insert important sounding occupation/prominent university here]”

Whereas in SF, there were so many 9s and 10s who would be like “Oh, I’m a model/actor/director/producer/musician/athlete/host blah [insert entertainment occupation here]” There’s really a huge difference in Tinder game between the coasts. From my experience, East Coast guys were nicer, more educated, not as pretty to look at, while the West Coast boys were hotter, dumber, and inundated with a bunch of basic bitches.

Opened Lines of Communication with a Guaranteed Fuckboy

This was my second step to moving on. I put a lot of my pent-up feelings and energy into chatting with Ronny (Related Post: Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married). I knew nothing long-term or serious was going to happen with him. Afterall, he was 3000 miles away with a girlfriend.

Sure, he was saying shit like “Oh, it takes time to break up with someone.” UH. Homey, you think I’m stupid? I’ve been around a number of fuckboys throughout the years, and come on, let’s be real here.. I’m in the middle of a marriage separation with annulment plans for the unforeseeable future. You think I want to jump into anything? Secondly, you think I actually believe that you’re going to leave your girl for me? I’m not about dat life, and I would not want a man like that anyways.

The way I saw things, I was using regular fuckboys to move on from King Fuckboy. That way, I didn’t feel much guilt when I would ultimately ghost on them. To be fair though, I did kind of develop a crush on Ronny. He was sweet, complimented me a lot, and it was clear he kind of cared about me and my situation. He could never actually “be there” for me since he was taken already, but I didn’t want him to do that anyways. I didn’t want a good guy right now. Not only that, but it would be best if good guys stayed away from me during this period. I had nothing positive to offer them.

Went on a Date with an Old Casual Hook-Up

For my my third moving-on step in this fucked up process, I decided to meet up with Keith (Related Post: Just Got Two Dates). I already knew from past experiences that I wasn’t going to get all emotionally attached to him, and I also knew that he was a low-key fuckboy slash friend. Not to mention, he lived in Connecticut too, and it would have never worked — especially since I fully planned on moving back to SF. Haillllzzz  nah to long distance. Eff that jazz.

Keith was a safe option for me because I had known him for years already — since our college days. Back then, I thought he was really cute and smart, but alas, he had a girlfriend at the time, so things got confusing between us. By the time they ended things, I had already moved out to SF, and got a couple boyfriends of my own. A couple years ago, we tried rekindling things, but then I decided he was too boring. Although he was definitely my type in school, it had already been five years, and tastes change.

Anyways, apologies for the boring ass backstory, but my point is — I trusted Keith enough to know that he wasn’t batshit crazy, and he wasn’t going to make me feel uncomfortable or pursue anything serious with me. However, he was good for cheering me up at the moment without pressuring me for anything.

There’s that ever-popular saying, “the only way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.” I wasn’t really in a rush to get under a bunch of dudes, so I stuck to flirting for a bit.

After following these three steps for a few weeks, BOOM. It worked. And just like that, I no longer obsessed over my ex. Sure, he was still a pain in my kaboose, but at least I could see more clearly now. I could see the way he tried manipulating me, and I could also see him from a more objective point of view — but to be honest, would it ever be completely objective?

(Check out my first post here: Moving Back Home)

 

The Story of My Toxic Husband

I first met Pierre while I was out with some friends at a local San Francisco dance bar. I had been single for a month after getting out of a four-year-long relationship. I was very drunk when we met, but I was having a great time hanging out with my friends and meeting new people. I was a social butterfly that night, and I looked great in my high-waist jeans and flowery crop top. I was also wearing my signature dark red lipstick.

Anyways, in my intoxicated glory, I was (loudly) complaining about how I was the only single one out of all my married friends. Pierre heard me mention “single” and he came right up. To be honest, I didn’t even remember what he looked like the following day. I gave him my number though. I think I thought he was good looking. Afterall, homeboy told me he was a model. The French accent also seduced the crap out of me.

I remember he called nonstop the next day. I found it endearing. At the same time, after chatting with him for a bit, I found it really weird he wouldn’t share his last name with me. He also didn’t have a car. He really wanted me to go over to his apartment to have some “barbecue”. Model or not, he was a stranger. I didn’t care that he was tall, dark, and handsome. I’ve read Ted Bundy’s Wikipedia man, and I did not want to end up being murdered.

After hours of talking on the phone, Pierre finally agreed to take me out to a damn restaurant. I would pick his ass up and drive us there. We had an OK time, but I was distracted by how good looking he was. Those eyes could pierce into your soul for years, but there was a darkness in them. Pierre was hot, but he definitely gave off that serial killer vibe.

I noticed many red flags during that first date.

1. He ordered two shots.
2. He talked about himself the entire time.
3. He flirted with our waitress.
4. He paid in crumpled bills.
5. He kept pressuring me to go back to his place.

Got damn why did I ignore the fucking red flags!!!!!

It was my first date in over three years, so I was rusty at filtering out guys. I should have just left and never talked to him again. At the same time though, I was fascinated with him. He was different and foreign to me, which was what I was looking for. I wanted adventure. I wanted to live life with excitement. I thought he could offer that to me.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about Frenchmen and their reputation for being great at romance. That shit is all true. It was a whirlwind in the beginning. After one week, I became his girlfriend. After two weeks, he told me he loved me. After one month, I moved into his apartment. After half a year, we got our own apartment together. After 9 months, we got a dog. After a year, we got married. That shit all would have been great if we had a good relationship.

Unfortunately, it was full of fighting from the very beginning. The first week we dated was probably the most peaceful time for me. I fell for his spontaneity and charm. I thought his craziness was refreshing. Our first fight wasn’t until the two week mark.

My friend Stella had invited me to a house party with some friends. I told Pierre that I didn’t want to go because there were a couple guys there who had shown interest in me before. After hearing that, he insisted on going to the point where I just went so that he would stop. At the party, he was cordial and engaging enough.. until he told me he loved me. Uhh.. I didn’t answer him, which  made him mad, so he left the party. What made him angrier was when he realized he left his phone in the Uber.

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT RIGHT THEN. This dude started going on about how he KNEW there was something shady with our Uber driver (our Uber driver was a very nice guy by the way), and how the driver was probably going through all his pictures. Pierre was being a huge drama queen, and I hated that I was the person who needed to take care of him. I tried to make things easier for him, but he was acting like such a spoiled brat.. screaming at people on the street, asking me why I brought him to this party.. I called another Uber to pick us up, but once the driver pulled up and saw how Pierre was acting, he CANCELLED THE RIDE and drove away! That has NEVER happened to me before. This guy was going to kill my Uber rating too?!!?

I ended up forgiving him for that, and I told him I loved him back a few days later. Crazy bitch up in the house.

At the time, I was subletting my friend’s apartment and in the process of moving out of my old apartment with my ex boyfriend. I was going to hire movers and put my things in storage, but once Pierre heard about this, he insisted on helping me move. He also volunteered his apartment for me to store his things. We had only been dating for a month, so I wasn’t completely comfortable with this. At the same time, I thought about how much money I would save by accepting his offer.

“You can leave your things here and move them back out when you find your own apartment,” Pierre said to me when I told him I wasn’t comfortable. I thought it was disrespectful for him to come move my stuff out of an apartment that I shared with an ex. I don’t even know what happened, Pierre kind of steamrolled past my wishes, moved my things out of my old place into his bedroom, and basically claimed it as his own. When I finally found a place I could move into, he guilt tripped me, “You’re going to move into an apartment without me? We’re going backwards if you do that.” Ugh, the manipulation. I see it so clearly now, why didn’t I see it before? It was my fault for letting him do that though.

After living with Pierre, I found out a few more unsavory things about him.

1. He was living in the U.S. illegally because he had overstayed his visa.
2. He was wanted back in France for almost killing a dude.
3. He was an alcoholic.
4. He was self-centered, insecure, jealous, and spiteful.
5. He had a record for harassing women in another state.
6. He had no real friends.

WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM!!!!! Ugh. I was so in love and so whipped, that’s why. By the time we moved in together, all my friends hated him. He was starting to severely insult me.. with choice words that rhymed with “You ducking hitch,” you are a huge blut, and you’re probably out ducking some guy’s tick.” Yeah, the whole verbal abuse thing. We already had countless fights, and I tried to leave him several times. I always came back.. he was always so sincere and sweet when he apologized. The makeup sex was really good. Sorry, I forgot to mention that he also had a huge schlong, and he knew how to use it. I made excuses saying that the alcohol made him act that way, and he would change if he stopped drinking.

Blah, blah. Fast forward.

We started living together. Pierre was telling me about how things would be different once we were out of his apartment with his roommate. I believed him. We were fighting all week before we even moved in, and just a few days before, he had poured soda all over my car dashboard because we were arguing. That was some cray cray shit. I felt like I was dating a psycho hot cheerleader.. the kind of person who would slash your tires. I STILL TOOK HIM BACK AND THEN I MOVED IN WITH HIM WHYYYYY!!!!

It felt like I was with him for a lifetime. While Pierre could be really giving.. he would cook, clean, do my laundry, and help me any way he could.. he could also be the exact opposite. When we were fighting, he would make a mess, leave me upset and crying, call me the dreaded b-word, make me feel trapped. I admired him for his persistence and dreams for himself. He really wanted to make it as an American actor (Don’t even get me started on that.. the whole time we were together, he bragged about how he was going to make great movies one day, and how shitty other actors were). He had stopped drinking for a few months already too, so he was just acting like a normal asshole instead of a verbally abusive asshole.

Anyways.. around the one year mark, I decided to marry him.

We got married at City Hall, and the whole process was pretty easy. I actually remember being really happy that day because we didn’t fight at all. I loved him. We hired an immigration lawyer to help him become a U.S. Citizen too.. and then I got laid off. I didn’t have the extra money to support him anymore. Things got pretty hard.

During this entire period, I had stopped hanging out with my closest friends. Especially my male friends. Conversation was kept at a minimum. I never said anything bad about Pierre. I never ate out at restaurants because it was a waste of my money. I was no longer a social butterfly, I actually became more reserved and timid as a person. I had stopped working out everyday. I stopped going to basketball practices (FYI, I played in a co-ed basketball league). I was in dedicated wife mode.

Yes, I lost myself, but things were pretty smooth up until his family paid us a visit three months after we got married. The night they arrived, Pierre drank again and came back home in a violent mood. This wasn’t the first time he secretly drank, but it was the first time his verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse.

His sister told me that Pierre had a really troubled childhood. Their father was his hero, and he was very abusive to their mom. He grew up with the belief that women and men were not equal. Men were better. He also grew up spoiled, never hearing the word no. His sister also told me that Pierre knew he was an alcoholic for a long time already. He didn’t care.

This was his own sister.

Anyways, shortly after this, I didn’t feel safe around Pierre anymore. Sure, I grew up with hardcore daddy issues, but my dad never laid a hand on my mom. It was not the kind of household I wanted to be in. I ended up calling my mom to bring me back home to Connecticut, so I could figure things out and move on.

(Read my first post from when I moved back to Connecticut: Moving Back Home)

Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married

I’m not sure what shitstorm just happened over the past few days, but I am now captivated by Ronny, an old co-worker.. who also has a girlfriend (Related Post: Feeling Thirsty and Uncomfortable).

OUT OF ALL THE FUCKING GUYS I DECIDED TO CHOOSE FROM, I SHOWED INTEREST IN THE UNAVAILABLE ONE?

This is seriously a very bad cycle, but right now.. it feels so good. Especially in all the drama that is my husband.. Ronny has been such a comfort. Yes, I know I should be looking at comfort within myself. I know I should ignore him, and push all these guys away as well. I am also well aware that I’m being a terrible person — especially towards his girlfriend. Yada, yada, ya.

I KNOW I’M TERRIBLE, BUT I HAVEN’T HAD ANY ACTION IN A COUPLE MONTHS, SO THE THIRST WAS SO REAL.

My sister thinks I’m too boy crazy, perhaps I am. But ever since I started getting to know Ronny, I stopped obsessing over being separated from my toxic husband. For the first time in over a year, I felt freed from his tight grasp. Hmm.

It’s quite possible that I’m transferring my feelings onto another person so that I could move on with my life. It’s the way I cope. However, would I be able to handle what happens with Ronny? And his girlfriend? I definitely wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything serious with Ronny, but I also wasn’t very happy about being a side bitch. Ronny was trying to have his cake and eat it too.. and right now, I was willingly giving it to him through Instagram DM. So shady!!!

Anyways, let me rewind a little bit and recap the past few days.

I was doing so well. I sent Ronny a message saying this was not for me, and I think any normal man would have respected that. I did, however, continue responding to his ongoing messages. I took pleasure in his affections, compliments, and attention.

 

I remembered I had met Ronny earlier a couple years ago at a work event, before I met my crazy husband. He approached me with his friendly charisma. I had already noticed him when I walked into the room — dude was seriously cute. Anyways, we chatted for a bit at the event, but I left in a hurry because I parked at a street meter. He tried several times while we worked together to engage in conversation with me, but I never reciprocated. Mostly because I was either tongue-tied or preoccupied with other thoughts.

What. Is. Wrong with me? Prepare yourself because I’m about to go full-on boy crazy right now. I liked that Ronny was more experienced. I enjoyed the attention he gave me. It was nice that he craved my conversation and my body even though we’ve never been intimate. Shit, I think we’ve only ever shook hands, not even.

Ugh. I repeat, the thirst is so real. We started sexting.. the best sexting of my life. I was eating up his words, and what he wanted to do to me. Gawd, it was like dirty poetry up in that DM chat. I loved being able to be open to him without judgment. What I didn’t love was that he had a girlfriend. What I didn’t love was that I was still married.

Unfortunately, I would never trust Ronny completely in any serious relationship, and with my big secret (only a few people knew I was even married), he would never completely trust me. I only told him that I had a crazy ex, and we broke up because things got physical. This was all true, except I didn’t mention that it was an ex-husband type of deal.

We both agreed that I should not be in a relationship for a long time.. yet he still wanted to “make love” to me. He wanted to be friends with benefits with me. Was I emotionally capable of that? This was a vicious cycle of bad relationships and bad decisions that could only lead to disaster and shitty outcomes!! I could SEE it, but I’m enjoying Ronny way too much at this point. I could see myself getting hurt. I could see myself pushing my ex towards a breaking point.

I cancelled my date with Adam for tonight. I also cancelled my date with Keith for tomorrow night (Refer to: Just Got Two Dates). Just wasn’t feeling it.

I had yet to respond to my ex’s emails. It’s been three days. That’s the longest I had ever gone without giving him news. I blamed him for pushing me to this point. By accusing me of cheating on him, when I wasn’t. I wanted to make myself feel better, I gave into my comforts, and I engaged in the seduction of several men.. so now, his insults are justified. Yup. This marriage could never work out. I wonder, if I ignored him long enough, if he would move on. Or would he continue to wait? I felt guilty because he was faithfully going to his AA meetings (or was he?), though some of his text messages sounded completely drunk sometimes.

It was difficult to believe anything he said. I didn’t want to believe him anymore. After all his insults and aggression, our marriage was past the point of returning for me.

My ex never asked me about my day. He never asked me about what my plans were. When he DID happen to ask what my plans are, he didn’t actually respect my decisions. That was no life to live. At least with Ronny, we were on an equal playing field. He had been honest and straightforward with me about his relationship (hey, at least he wasn’t currently married) — meanwhile, I was hiding my marriage.

Honestly, I think Ronny would understand though. Regardless, even if we got together after I moved back to San Francisco.. I really don’t think we would work out. Either way, I know what I’m doing is “morally wrong” and as Ronny would say, “Yes, on paper it looks bad” Whatever the fuck that meant — but he made me feel good for the moment. The first good that I’ve felt inside for a long time. I’ve been talking to him for almost a week already, and we haven’t argued at all. Sure, I’ve gotten annoyed, but Ronny was apologetic and he knew exactly how to sweet talk me. That shit was amazing to me.

I could barely get my ex to be polite, patient, and understand things from my perspective for even one full day. Three days tops.

I should give Ronny a timeline for when he should leave his girlfriend, but it’s hypocritical of me to demand that. I was still married.

For now, I will stop talking about exes to Ronny. I cannot push anything with him and his girlfriend, and I should probably set some clear boundaries between us. I should. Should..

So many things I should do.

(Read from the beginning: Moving Back Home)

Feeling Thirsty and Uncomfortable

I’ve been having trouble sleeping at home. The place was a small and cluttered two bedroom that comfortably fit my mom and sister. The couch was comfortable leather, but I was too tall for it.. my sister snored like a monster, and my mom’s bed was solid as a board (she prefers it that way). So I waited until my sister left for work at 6AM before I could sleep in her bed.

After two hours of sleep, I woke up to a painful and irritating itch on my belly button. Damn straight. Belly button. By the time I get that figured out, I couldn’t sleep anymore!

I originally planned on getting up, getting some work done, getting my lashes re-done (yes, lash extensions are da bomb), do laundry, and work out. I wanted to get all that energy out of me. But I was so tired. I messaged my girlfriends and asked for a good salon to get my girl maintenance out of the way.

While waiting, I checked my dating app and gave my number to Adam (Refer to previous post: Just Got Two Dates) before shutting it down, and I checked my spam mailbox for incoming mail from Pierre. For some reason, I felt a bit uncomfortable and ended up dozing off again.

Hours later, I woke up and saw that I got a new text message from Adam. I also received a friendly hello from Keith, my old college friend/hook up.

Just when I thought I had my hands full, I received a direct message from a cute guy I used to work with at my old job. Ronny. It started out innocent enough at first, but then he started complimenting me.. then sharing his personal life. Apparently he was having trouble with his girlfriend, so yeah. He was bad news! I tried to stay cordial though, but what do you do in that situation? When you used to have a crush on a guy, but he doesn’t show interest in you until he’s having girlfriend troubles?

Meanwhile, Pierre was in a friendly and apologetic place today. I was relieved I didn’t spent all my time stressing out about him like I did before. It was always the same pattern with him. Apologetic and nice one day, then manipulative and insulting the next day. Shit is stressful and was slowly driving me insane.

I had been so distracted from talking to Adam, Keith, and Ronny. What is going on? Do these guys just wake up and think, “Hey let me hit this girl up and see if she wants to hang?” With the exception of Adam, I was quite confused. It felt a bit like I was a walking time bomb that attracted nothing but trouble from different directions. Should I just shut all communication with dudes down and ignore all of these dead ends, just focus on me?

The obvious answer was a resounding YES. I needed to. I needed to be strong. Concentrate on other things like reading, writing, working, spending time with friends and family, cooking, sports, politics.. anything. But why was that so hard?! Scratch that – the hard part would be late at night, when everyone’s sleeping, and I’m up feeling lonely.. looking for attention. Craving it. Gawd I’m crazy.

Well.. maybe a little crazy, but I think the overwhelming mood I was in was THIRSTY. I was feeling thirsty. Even though I was trying to stay “friends” with guys, it came off as flirting. Maybe it was flirting. I don’t know man.

What I really needed to do was channel all this excess energy into my work. I was determined to do that. I started feeling like maybe I was putting all my attention into the wrong things these past few days (guys), and it was really starting to mess with me. Dictating my life. Where do I find a balance!

I was trying so hard to just write. Write. Write. “I do not need a man,” I told myself. I needed to drill that into my brain. But I really.. missed having someone hold me. I think my belly button hurt earlier because my tummy was slowly expanding from being a useless lump of laziness the past month!

After forcing myself to be productive and mulling my life over for a few hours, my sister finally came home from work. Thank goodness! Spending time with her helped take my mind off of other bullshit. I helped her with her homework (ahem, she forced me to do it), and we watched that VH1 show, Catching Kelce or something like that. The show about a bunch of girls from every state competing over this hot football player. Entertaining stuff.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Just Got Two Dates

After trying out Match.com for two days, I decided to stop all the dating apps. This was way too serious for me. I know I wanted an escape from my nightmare of a marriage, but this was not it. Before shutting down the last one though, I got a response from the one guy I thought was attractive and interesting. (Refer to previous post: Browsing Through Match.com)

We chatted for a bit through text, and he asked me out for Thursday evening later during the week. I said yes. Though I was about 90% sure I was going to cancel. This was totally counter-productive. I was afraid to tell my therapist because she’ll realize the extent of my nutcase-ness. Did I just dig myself into another hole or was I moving on?

Later that night, I got a message at 2AM from an old friend/hook up, Keith, asking to hang out. I was very hesitant, but I agreed to see him the upcoming Friday. He was a good looking guy, successful and Chinese.. unfortunately, he had the personality of a wall. I felt no chemistry with him. Just pure physical attraction. But he was also the type of guy my family would approve of with flying colors.

What was going on?!! In one day, I managed to snag myself two dates already. I would have felt guilty, but then I checked my spam inbox again and read another threatening email from my soon-to-be ex-husband Pierre. Apparently I was his top priority now, and he would make me “pay” for the rest of my life.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Browsing Through Match.com

So I tried Match.com’s free trial period because there was no way I was gonna pay for that. When I started filling out my profile, there was a section that asked if I was “single”, “divorced”, or “separated”. I know I should have checked off “separated”, but shame made me check off “single”. I hated that this was going to stick with me now. I felt marked. Damaged goods.

I know I said I was only window shopping (Refer to my previous post: The Last Call We Had), but I couldn’t help but look over some profiles. I didn’t realize that whenever you visit someone’s profile, they see that you looked at their page.

When I woke up the next morning, I saw that I got an overwhelming response. What? Hello, ego boost!

I scanned through my spam inbox. Insults from the soon-to-be-ex-husband ensued. I’m over the insults. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so exhausted from babying this guy. I felt less angry at him now though. After a year of being accused of cheating when I was being loyal, at least the accusations were kind of founded now. Pierre always considered himself a psychic. Now that I know him, I realize that whatever he said ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anything that was in his control.. like predicting that “something big and life-changing was going to happen” when his family visited, he made sure that “something” would happen. It was his own actions that propelled me out of his life. I didn’t want to think about it.

Instead, I set my mind to checking the Match dating application. Meh. Lots of guys interested, but I wasn’t interested in anyone at all.

Well, there was one guy, Adam, but he didn’t poke me or whatever the hell you were supposed to do on this website. Oh well. If I thought he was the only hot dude on the website, there were probably loads of other ladies who thought so too. I have good taste in men *wink*.

I really don’t know how people get over their significant other the healthy way. The only way I’ve ever known for moving on from someone was by locking onto another love interest. I’ll save that one for my therapist.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

The Last Call We Had

Pierre called today.

I was hanging out with my mom and sister when I saw his name pop up on my phone. Buzz Buzz Buzz. Do I pick up? Of course I do.

The conversation was definitely strained. It started out friendly enough, but it was evident that there was boiling below a shaky surface. He asks me when I’m coming home.

How do I answer that? Do wives just come back to their abusive husbands on just his word that he has changed? I tell him what I’ve been telling him for the past couple weeks. I don’t know. I’m undecided. I’ve been seeing a therapist to talk about this bullshit. I’ve been spending time with my childhood friends to catch up and to talk out some feelings. My sister and all of my friends hate Pierre. My mom is whatever about him.. mostly because he reminds her of my dad. P.S. My dad is also an anus-hole.

“When are you coming home?” Pierre repeats on the other end of the line. I had walked out of the apartment and was smoking a cigarette outside.

“I don’t know,” I said. I was so undecided. I was so hopelessly in love with this guy. I missed being in his arms, gazing into his eyes. I missed kissing him.

I told him that it’s not black and white. The decision to stay with him was not a clear one. I wanted to try for the sake of being married, but at what cost? I let it slip that I preferred that he cheated on me so that I could make a clear decision.

He gets mad that I mention that.

“You’re being a beech, you know?” Pierre sneers in a thick French accent. He proceeds to accuse me of cheating and the insults ensue. Per usual, I lose my cool, and I threaten to get a divorce right there, but who was I kidding? I needed to be in San Francisco for that. I couldn’t afford a family law lawyer right now either. What I really needed to do was move on.

He was still disrespecting me. All I wanted him to do was keep composure and respect me for a couple weeks straight. I wanted to see if he could practice restraint. I wanted to see that he was making a noticeable effort. Instead, he continued cutting me off by throwing a tantrum, convinced that I cheated on him. I hung up.

I tried to distract myself. I watched some mindless reality show on VH1. I tried reading a book. I showered. I wash dishes. It was almost 3am. I tried sleeping, but I couldn’t. I tried surfing the Internet looking for advice on what to do. I finally settled on joining a dating website against my better judgement — despite my efforts to be alone. I told myself I’m just window shopping, when really I had no idea what I was doing. I mostly wanted to keep myself distracted from checking Pierre’s insulting emails.

It sucks to be accused of cheating on your spouse when you’re being faithful. It’s the worst feeling. Even under these fucking circumstances.. dude put his hands on me. We were separated for a month already. This whole month, he would constantly let his insecurities get the best of him and accuse, accuse, accuse. My goodness dude. I just couldn’t anymore.

Anyways, I joined a dating website that night. Window shopping.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Lost Opportunities

I was sitting at home alone.. happily eating take-out from my family’s restaurant and watching a Halloween special on ABC Family when I received an alert on my phone. I got a new message on LinkedIn from my recruiter friend, Michael, for a job in San Francisco. It was a coordinator position for the development department. 

Before moving back home, I had been living in San Francisco for the past 6 years. I spent my last semester at University interning and taking night classes in SF. It was always my dream to move there — and I did. I built a life and community for myself before my life went cray cray and went to shit after meeting Pierre.

A part of me wanted to ignore the job opportunity so that I could watch this damn movie, but reality sunk in a bit. It was relaxing and stable at home with my family, but I needed to get a job. Finding a job in SF while living in Hartford was not easy, so of course I was going to jump on this chance.

Unfortunately, after hours of touching up my resume, the hiring manager decided my background was too creative. Darn. I was bummed, but it was probably for the best.

Pierre calls, and the conversation is friendly enough, but he didn’t ask me a single question about my day. It was all about him. Actually, no, some of the conversation was about our dog. To be fair though, I didn’t volunteer any information. I wanted to see if Pierre could change. I wanted to see if he would ask.

He complained about his sister and blamed his previous behavior on how his sister was so inconsiderate to visit during that time. I was annoyed (still am) because I could clearly see his pattern of blame shifting towards different targets. It was frustrating that he wasn’t taking full responsibility for his actions. His sister did not force him to drink alcohol when he knew he shouldn’t have even had that first glass. She didn’t tell him to come home and insult me. She didn’t tell him to yank me back by my hair when I tried to leave to sleep in the car. His sister was not the one who held me down, threatened my life, and destroyed my things.

I should have probably kept those thoughts to myself, but I blurted it out. I was angry. I wanted him to see that he was a huge anus-hole for doing what he did.

Just disappointment. He would never see it.

Worst of all? I missed the whole damn Halloween movie!!

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

 

Tamera and Jay Get Married

Today, I accompanied my sister to her friend’s wedding in New Haven. It was small, humble, boisterous and beautiful.

Apparently the mother of the groom-to-be passed away last week, and her memorial was held just yesterday. Tamera, the bride-to-be, spent the entire year planning their wedding, and wanted to postpone the date because of the unfortunate circumstances. Due to the funeral costs, the groom, Jay, was worried about whether or not he could afford the wedding. At the same time, he did not want all of Tamera’s hard work to be for naught, and strongly refused to postpone it.

Tamera and my sister work together as infant-care specialists at a local daycare center. Earlier during the week, one of the parents asked Tamera about her wedding. She responded, “We might have to postpone it…” The parents nodded their heads and took their baby home.

Later that night, Tamera received a text message from the baby’s mother, “Just thinking about you. Was wondering if you could tell me the reason why you are postponing wedding…” Tamera didn’t want to delve too far into the actual story, so she simply told them, “Financial issues, we’re going through a rough time right now.” The baby’s mother texts back, “You’re like family to us, and you are so great with our kids, we are lucky to have you. Please accept $1000 from us so that you can keep your wedding. Don’t postpone it.” After much thought, Tamera texted back, “Thank you…but no thank you. We cannot accept that.” It was in a grey area of the daycare rules. Professional life should not be slipping into personal life. However, after one last push from the baby’s mother, “Please accept it as a wedding gift from me and my husband. We are lucky enough to have well-paying jobs, and we can afford to give you this money. Like I said, you are like family to us, and we want you to use it for your wedding. We insist.”

After my sister told me this story, I thought it was beautiful that there were still such generous people in the world.

And that’s how they kept their wedding date.

Anyways, I went to this wedding — the second wedding I’ve ever attended in my life (family don’t count). It was simultaneously happy and sad, loud and tranquil, disastrous and masterful, rude and respectful, and needless to say.. lots of shit happened.

I don’t even want to get started on what occurred on the dance floor. Those children were like baby professional dancers. I shit you not, there were four-year-old kids doing jump splits on the dance floor. FUCKING JUMP SPLITS! Everyone went up and did the electric slide, the walking dance, and it was also the first time I’ve ever witnessed a real-life soul train. Loved it. Everyone was free, uninhibited, and absolutely gorgeous.

You could feel the love the bride and groom had for each other. Tamera spoke about how she first met the man of her dreams. Her rock. She spoke about their family, and how she was so happy to spend the rest of her life with him. Jay pretty much said the same thing, and he hilariously compared her love to a three-layer chocolate cake — which has scarred me for life, since I LOVE chocolate — but his heart was in the right place.

What really hit home for me were the speeches from the Best Man and Maid of Honor. That shit really got to me. Even though the Best Man clearly prepared a lengthier and more quality speech compared to the Maid of Honor, both parties spoke positively about the bride and the groom. They spoke about how they respected them both so much because they each brought the other stability and happiness. They were perfect for each other, pushed the other up, supported one another, and completed one another. I listened to their speeches in both awe and sadness.

This was a solid foundation for a marriage.. with loving friends and family surrounding the bride and groom. Unlike the way I did it. No one was at my wedding, there were no vows. Tamera had a beautiful dress. Belle of the ball! I had a cocktail dress that I bought from Forever 21. We just walked into City Hall, said “I do” to a judge and BAM. We were married just like that. With none of our loved ones to see. I never want to do that again.

Watching Tamera and Jay’s wedding made me think. It made me realize that you should be proud of the love you have for someone. It also made me realize that marriage was more than love. It was hard work. It required trust and patience. It required a strong foundation. Something me and Pierre did not have from the very beginning.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Testing My Patience

Do you know what true stability is?

For me, true stability is not having to worry about what will happen to my dog for a month straight. Just the assurance that he will be in good hands. True stability is the ability to have a peaceful dinner with my grandmother and aunt without being bombarded by text messages and calls from my estranged husband, Pierre, who is lost in Los Angeles and needs my assistance to get to where he needs to be because he doesn’t have GPS on his phone. True stability is my knowing that if I wanted to stay at home for a little while longer, that my husband wouldn’t threaten to abandon our apartment for the month and complain about how lonely he is. True stability.

Most times I have no clue if I love him or hate him.

This is what happens when I give him another chance to prove if he is worthy. I had the option of short-term pain in exchange for a lifetime of peace — or at least my own definition of peace — versus short-term happiness in exchange for a lifetime of headaches. Dependence. Mood swings. Fear. Anger. What the fudge?

I realize that Pierre is making an effort. He has been attending his Alcoholic’s Anonymous meetings, and he has spoken to a therapist on the phone (supposedly). However, two and a half weeks of clarity and self-improvement is not enough time to heal decades of psychological damage and addiction.

Hope. I want to believe that our love is strong enough to defy all odds, and I want to prove all my friends wrong about us. Sadly, homeboy doesn’t even respect me enough to grant me some time to myself after I text, “Please don’t contact me for tonight. I will talk to you tomorrow. I need to calm down.” Scratch that. He gave me 45 minutes before he broke. On the bright side, after I chewed him a new one through a series of frustrated follow-up texts, he chose to heed my advice. That’s a start.

Everything was going well, but after two days of respectful texts, emails, and phone exchanges, my husband decided that it would be great to plan a month-long trip to Miami to visit his friend.

Positives: He needs to be around friends, and it would be good for him to be around people who love him. His friend is clean — meaning no alcohol, no drugs, but mostly no alcohol to tempt him. My husband was practically begging me to understand his point of view.

Negatives: It disrupts his daily pattern. Does he really expect to go to meetings in Miami when his friend is there? That shit ain’t weird? Another thing — suddenly, I’m the one who needs to figure out what to do with our dog, and I’m 3000 miles away. Pierre tells me his family will be paying for his flight out of town. He’s a 30-year-old man, and he’s still depending on them to do that when he would be perfectly fine staying put? He doesn’t see that this just stirs everything up? The one part that pushed me over the edge was when he told me that he would be staying in Miami for up to one month.

What the hell does he want to do there for one month? Because he can’t be alone? Suck that shit up, fool. If the situation were switched, I would happily embrace loneliness and time to improve myself. I’ve done it before for three months, and I grew into a much more independent and stronger woman because of it.

He tells me that I don’t understand. I really do understand, but what I’m looking for is seriousness and stability without worrying for my dog’s well-being every single day. Who’s going to watch Bear when he’s gone? Pierre made a deal before I left with my mom that he was responsible enough to watch him. He was still a puppy of 8 months. My mom was silly and believed him, when I wanted to take Bear with us.

I understand Pierre’s point of view as well. Truly. It’s not fair that he is alone in our apartment with no knowledge of when I’m coming home. He thought I would come home sometime this week — but I made it clear to him that would not be the case. In reality, I was thinking of staying here for another three weeks. I get it, but right now, his time alone is the true test of his endurance, dedication, and loyalty.

My therapist saved me from going Hulk on Pierre by sharing some coping techniques for anger. If it weren’t for her “take a step back and pull yourself out of the anger mode” chat, I would have unleashed a scary beast on him via crazy text message rants. Instead, I pulled back, watched half an episode of Grimm, smoked a cigarette, showered, and washed the dishes. Hooray for self-improvement.

However, this erratic behavior is forcing me to second guess my decision to give him another chance. The smart decision would be cutting things off permanently and experiencing that short-term pain. However, looming around the back of my mind is this. Will the pain really be short-term? Or will I be suffering from lost and disappointed love for the rest of my life? Has he really changed this time around?

I am pretty sure I know the answer, but I don’t feel like admitting it to myself right now. I’m drained. Je suis fatigue. Bonne nuit.

(To start over and read from my first post, click here)

Visiting My Dad in Prison

My mother and I both stayed up all night and left the apartment at 5:30 in the morning to catch the first train. Out of all the double-seaters to choose from, she decided to make a bee-line towards the lonely seats in the back of the train, surrounded by empty soda cans and trash. I don’t understand her. We managed to catch the 8AM bus to New York and slept the entire way through.

When I woke up, we were on Canal Street, New York City. My mom asked me to input the addresses for our Uber, and to be honest, I felt a slight discomfort entering in “Federal Bureau of Prisons” as our destination. Our driver, the owner of a modest Honda Civic, was a nice young man named Shondelle. He asked if we wanted to listen to any particular radio station, to which I numbly replied, “No, we’re cool with whatever,” and closed my eyes as the latest Drake song started playing. I fell back asleep and opened my eyes as we pulled up to the building. “You just beat the rain!” Shondelle smiled and waved as he dropped us off.

I was grumpy. Perhaps it was from the lack of sleep, or perhaps it was because I held some resentment towards my mother for dragging me out here to visit my dad. I hadn’t seen him in five years since my college graduation.

For as long as I can remember, conversation had always been superficial between us, barely lasting over five minutes per meeting. Now, I had to spend two hours speaking to a man I hardly knew. Though I’ve watched popular prison comedies on Netflix and understood that many people make mistakes, I felt deeply ashamed that I was here.

A bearded inmate tickled his laughing son while smothering him with kisses. An older prisoner rapt in an intense conversation with his brother. A jolly fellow finished off his buffalo chicken wings while asking his kid whether his Jordan’s were authentic or not. A dolled-up woman bragged to her man that she stayed home, while her friends went out to the club.

In all the bustle, my mother and I sat with an empty seat between us in silence as we waited for my dad to arrive. After a few moments, I saw him. He gained some weight and rocked a salt-and-pepper buzzcut. He looked almost natural in his brown jumpsuit and Nike sneakers. I couldn’t bring myself to stand up and hug him, so I just took his hand and gently squeezed. I didn’t know this man.

My father sat next to me, “Meimei, why you so skinny?” With all the strength that I had, I muttered, “I don’t know…” and the tears began flowing down my cheeks. Great. Just great. I felt like every cliche loved one going to visit their family member for the first time. Embarrassing.

I watched my mother buy snacks from the vending machine as I wiped my face dry. I could feel my dad staring at me, but in this uncomfortable moment, he just took my hand. Between my own shit and his shit, I’m overwhelmed, but was relieved the attention was taken off me when the inmate eating the buffalo wings looked up and greeted my father, “Doctor Chong!”

What the fudge? My dad was definitely not a doctor. I had absolutely no memories of him tending to any scraped knees or broken bones. I wasn’t even going to ask about that.

I decided to share more about my own life and be direct with him for the first time.

“So I got married,” I volunteered nonchalantly, “and I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Mommy told me.” He didn’t sound angry, “Why so fast?”

“I fell in love and didn’t realize he was crazy.” I gazed down at the floor, dejected, “I’m getting the marriage annulled.” The entire room was bursting with laughter and gregarious voices, but the silence between us was impalpable.

“You know, if this was in China,” he searched for the right words, “if you got marry in China, this would be bad.” Still not a reprimand, but I guess it was the truth.

My mom returned with a bag of Doritos and two cups of Yoplait. My dad eyed these snacks, picked up one of the yogurts and said, “Eat. You too skinny.” I shook my head because I wasn’t hungry. My mom opened the chips and slowly began munching away.

“In Chinese, we say, ‘Good looking guy cannot eat.” My dad gently tore off the yogurt lid and began eating, “For a husband, he must have good heart, good to you, good to people, good to himself and stable job.” I gazed blankly ahead, taking in what he just said, mute.

Growing up, my dad did his business elsewhere, and my issue was that he was never present as a father. Sure, my friends had fathers they weren’t particularly close to, but they always came home everyday. Mine didn’t. On the rare occasions he showed up, he was either passed out after a drunken haze, smoking cigarettes in the living room–regardless of the “no smoking” signs my sister and I plastered around the house, or making bets on the latest sports teams.

The man I was listening to now was old and weary. It was a departure from the man I grew up with. I remembered one particularly snow-flurried morning when I was thirteen-years-old, after missing the bus, I begged my sleeping father to drive me to school. The words he said to me were, “I don’t ask you for anything, so don’t ask me for anything.” My mother ended up calling a cab for me to get to class, and I never tried waking him up again.

Finishing up his second cup of Yoplait, he snapped me out of my reverie. “Daddy was not a good person. It’s why daddy is in prison.”

I really wanted to ask him if he changed now. I wanted to ask if he learned his lesson and if he would get his shit together and be a good person for the family. I wanted to scream at him for all the monstrous crimes he did over the past couple decades. I wanted to tell him that if he couldn’t do that for his daughter, he wouldn’t have me anymore. Instead, I asked, “What are you going to do when you’re out?”

“I’m going to work at 4th uncle’s restaurant, then I’m going to start my own restaurant. Or maybe do real estate with my friend.”

“I hope you do it legally.” I muttered, still avoiding eye contact.

“I learned my lesson. Of course” He turned to chat with my mom, who’s been quiet the entire time.

It was pouring rain when my mother and I left the facility. We grabbed another Uber back to Chinatown and bought tickets to go back home.

I checked my spam email and blocked messages on my phone and saw that my estranged husband, Pierre, had left a few messages. They were all encouraging, loving, telling me that he missed me and to come back home. He sent me pictures of our dog and emailed that he was very proud that I went to see my dad.

One email went, “You only have one dad in your life, and you are very lucky that yours is still in your life. I know your dad is very smart, and in the future, I can give him power, and we can make a lot of money together. I know, I’m psychic.”

Ladies and gentlemen, meet my husband.

Per my mother’s request, we snagged two seats on the third row of the bus. For the first time since we’ve been separated, I sent my husband an email that I would consider coming back home, and I slept the whole way back to Connecticut.

(To start over and read from my first post, click here)

Moving Back Home

Three university students walk by, snickering about how they just took a huge hit from a bong. A group of 10-year-olds happily climb the poles of a nearby railing. A young teen hipster stares dreamily at his doe-eyed girlfriend as they board the train.

Sitting on my apartment stoop, I stare at everyone as I take another puff of a cigarette, mumbling to myself, “They’re all so fucking carefree.” I don’t know any of these people, but I’m jealous. I envy their innocence. I envy their pure joy. I almost hate them, but I don’t hate them. They are the lucky ones, and life just didn’t happen to them yet. I toss my cigarette butt into an open crack in the sidewalk and steadily watch as it sizzles out.

I’m on the path of regaining my independence. My therapist tells me, “It seems like you come from a long line of female caretakers,” which may seem like a positive thing to say, but she might as well be saying, “Beyotch, you come from a long line of weak women who do anything for men.” It’s truly a curse.

Every time it feels like I’m starting to get my shit together, I end up meeting the “man of my dreams” and throw all that potential away. It’s as if I find it much easier to cater to a man than actually facing my own problems and growing myself. It’s horrible–and to know that this quality is programmed in almost every fiber of my being, it is even more of a struggle.

Falling in love with a man should be a wonderful thing, but it is so draining when you fall for a psychopath. One moment can be like a picturesque movie scene. Handsome man sweeps woman off her feet with her favorite chocolates, a candlelit dinner and a beautiful sunrise. A couple days later, it can be like you’re living in a dark and crazy nightmare. Pouring a can of soda all over the dashboard of your car, shouting insults and smashing glass jars onto the floor. Other moments can seem so ridiculous upon reflection, even comical and unreal. Becoming so infuriated that he beats up the Christmas tree *powpow*, jumping out of the car in the middle of the freeway, or breaking your flip flops with his teeth like some manic animal.

I need to break the cycle. I want to be strong. I want to be truly happy. I want my innocence back.