How to Stop Being a Fuckgirl

As promised back in 2019…I am going to continue with my Fuckboy/Fuckgirl series. Here we go now…Fuckgirls!

Why am I writing this post?

After writing the Fuckboy article a few years ago, I knew in the back of my mind that it’s only fair to write about Fuckgirls too. Perhaps the reason why it took me so long to write this particular post is because I KNOW that during some point in my life, I have been a Fuckgirl. GUILTY party here. Perhaps I felt/still feel some deep deep shame about it. Hmm..

Another reason why I postponed writing this is because I’m generally all about women. I am pro-female. I love empowering women and I love girl bosses and QUEENS. Staunch feminist here. I don’t give a fuck if a girl wants to hook up with a bunch of dudes or play them the way guys play girls. Your body your choice! Do you as long as you’re being safe about it. But for reals, I don’t want the women reading my blog to feel attacked, judged, or belittled because some of what I write about Fuckgirls may hit close to home.

We all know there are different reasons why some girls are considered Fuckgirls. Maybe writing this article will shed some light and differentiate the little Fuckgirls from women who are empowered, kind, and confident. Maybe it’ll keep you from becoming one. Hell, maybe you are one already and don’t even realize it…if that’s the case…then…THIS POST IS FOR YOU! I’m not sure if many men read my blog, but for those out there who are…maybe this can help you spot a Fuckgirl and make your own decision around that. Here it goooes!

Defining the Fuckgirl

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From my experience, the term “Fuckgirl” is usually thrown around as the female equivalent to a Fuckboy. But are they really equivalent? According to Urban Dictionary, a Fuckgirl is defined as:

“A girl who engages in fuckboy behavior, generally thinks they are god’s gift to the earth and use words like “thirsty” “salty” “fuckboy” and “hater.”

Ok there ya go. I don’t fully agree with the definition because obviously, I have used and will continue to use terms like “thirsty,” “salty,” “fuckboy,” and “hater.” LOL that’s basically part of modern language now ya’ll. Guys use those words too!

In Homegirl terms, here are some instances of what I personally think a Fuckgirl might be.

• A Fuckgirl is girl who will use her looks and sex appeal to get what she wants.
• A Fuckgirl is someone who will regularly post pictures of their tatas and bootay, commonly known as thirst traps.
• A Fuckgirl is a girl who comes off as very cool and chill, but she’s actually kind of an asshole.
• A Fuckgirl either has a gang of Fuckgirlfriends OR no female friends. She is typically surrounded by men who either have already slept with her, wants to sleep with her, or is currently sleeping with her.
• A Fuckgirl is THIRSTY as haillll. I’m talking insatiable thirst for the D. She could be at a funeral, and she’ll be looking for dudes. It’s all the same to her. Inappropriate thirst in inappropriate places and times.
• A Fuckgirl is the type of girl who thinks every guy is into her and will villainize a nice guy after they tell her they’re not attracted to her.
• A Fuckgirl is a girl who jumps from guy to guy to guy to guy with very few breaks in between and leaves a trail of broken hearts behind.
• A Fuckgirl will go and pursue a guy regardless of whether or not he’s attached. Afterall, she wants what she wants and “always” gets what she wants.
• A Fuckgirl is someone who sees nothing wrong about herself. According to her, self-growth is not something she needs to do…unless everyone else is doing it.
• A Fuckgirl is someone who is constantly talking about their own problems, never taking the time to ask about yours unless it relates to her own drama.

…Well. I know I wrote that, and I don’t know about you, but during some of those bullet points, I was like…is this really a Fuckgirl? At points, I even felt like I called myself out. Around the end of that list I was like.. why the FUCK am I writing this lol. Like I said earlier, I have been guilty of some Fuckgirl moments. I’ve posted the thirst traps, I’ve hurt some dudes in the past, hell, I even had a song written about my Fuckery. It wasn’t the best song, it also wasn’t the most flattering song, but when you hurt a guy so much that he’s compelled to write a trash song about you… it means you gotta do better as a person.

Analyzing the Fuckgirl

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Let’s peel back some of these layers here. I’m speaking from my own perspective as a former Fuckgirl, so after years of self-reflection and hard work in unlearning some of my bad habits from the past, I’m in a unique position where I fucking know!!

My Fuckgirl behavior pretty much started when I was 18, after I lost about 20 pounds from quitting a controlling boyfriend and the McDonalds. All thoughout high school I was this thicc ass girl relying on my personality to attract guys. But with no luck. When I lost the weight, then guys be popping out the woodwork expressing their interest in me where there was none before. Even guys who had previously rejected me.

That’s when I truly saw how shallow some guys could be. You’d think I would have just enjoyed the newfound attention, but it actually just made me angry. Angry AF. I was still the same me. But that experience sort of changed my view on the male gender. I almost preferred being that chubby girl before…because at least I knew that the men who were my friends, were actually my friends. They were real with no agenda except maybe trying to date my girlfriends. That’s probably a conversation for another post though.

I started hating men to the point where I was just like “Fuck it. If guys can be players, I can too.” LOL. Good ole silly little me who truly believed that women would be treated equally if they acted like men in the society that we live in.

After years of having this mentality, I got myself in a bunch of trouble at times, and I was relentlessly selfish. Not caring who I hurt along the way. Quoting Madonna, I was just a material girl living in a material world. And with each uncaring moment, the more I lost a bit of the good, genuine person I used to be. It was a slippery slope.

And I’m not saying that all Fuckgirls are the same. Like Fuckboys, these girls come in all shapes and sizes. In my personal experience, I was that angry ass unempathetic selfish Fuckgirl. But there are Fuckgirls who are just shallow. There are Fuckgirls who care about using their looks to get what they want. There are Fuckgirls who will slash a guy’s tires. There are Fuckgirls who will go Gone Girl on your ass and are TRULY PSYCHOS. There are Fuckgirls who are all of it.

After awhile, I realized that I was really afraid to be alone. I was also obsessed with finding the perfect guy. If you’re someone who follows my blog, you know already that I believe that people attract who they are. The reason I was attracting the Fuckboys before was because I was their counterpart. Perhaps I did some of these things to numb out my pain, perhaps it was to make a Fuckboy jealous. Perhaps, in my mind, if I couldn’t get the Fuckboy, this meant I needed to get even. And maybe, perhaps perhaps (my new favorite word), I also wanted to feel like I was cool and on top. When in reality… Fuckgirl.

Now…How Do You Stop Being a Fuckgirl?

At the end of the day, Fuckgirls and Fuckboys are similar. They are both pretending. They hide behind a facade and live in their own little materialistic and superficial reality. Everyone has their own reasons for being who they are, but if you’re a Fuckgirl and want to stop to become an empowered woman…here’s what you can do.

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Step 1: Admit to yourself that you may have a problem.

This is the first, and probably most important step. You can’t grow as a person if you’re unable to acknowledge your mistakes and that you have done other people and yourself some damage. Everyone has their own problems…however. When you acknowledge that you may be the cause of some of those problems, you are now taking accountability. That is a grown ass woman move. Also, now that you know that you may be a Fuckgirl, it gives you the power to take control of your life and yourself. You can be in a position to grow and change.

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Step 2: Take a break from the D.

Yes. I know it hurts, especially when you have a hottie just waiting there for ya. But you gotta tear yourself away from the D for a sec. I’m talking temporarily, OK. This time is about you. And only you. Use the time away from the dick to get to know yourself, form stronger bonds with your friends, check in on family.

If you’re used to sleeping with someone everyday, every other day, every week… try cutting down and fill that void with another activity you love. Do you like to cook? Learn some recipes. Enjoy working out? Sculpt your body and turn into a fitness goddess. Does your place needing a good revamp? Do some decorating. Like reading? Pick up a really addicting romance novel and tear through that shit. Do you have Netflix? Time for some Kdramas. Or some movies with strong female leads (Not Monster with Charlize Theron though). OH… and maybe invest in a good, rechargeable vibrator. That thing will make you self-sufficient. Have at it girl.

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Step 3: Start a journal and self-reflect.

Part of the reason why I started writing this blog and keeping my journal is because I was pretty sure my friends were tired of hearing my shit. Many of them were very stable, opposite of me, pretty settled and entering more “grown” phases in their lives. Many never dated around and married their high school or college boyfriends. Some were also perpetually single and preferred it that way. They couldn’t relate and they also lost patience for me and my drama. I can also be an intense and thorough person. I can keep going on and on and on and on about the same old thing, and I also used to be pretty uncaring when it came to their problems. Pretty one-sided.

In a journal, you can write allllll of your thoughts down. You can also go back and re-read them with a new perspective. Sometimes, you can pick out your negative thoughts, and say HEY. I’m gonna change this about myself. or HEY this was kind of a shitty thing to write about someone. Your thoughts are YOURS and yours only. As we know, thoughts are also powerful. When you change the way you think about things, you can also change your emotions and behaviors. Therapy at its finest ya’ll.

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Step 4: Come to terms with your pain.

There’s this phrase that comes to mind… “Hurt people hurt others.” You didn’t become a Fuckgirl because things were all good and dandy for you. Chances are, you were probably wounded in some way in the past and learned to release some of that pain a certain way. Retrace your steps back to how your Fuckgirl behavior started and how it might have gotten worse. Somewhere along the way, you learned to mask your pain and protect yourself by not being open to something real. Maybe you grew up with instability and that’s what you’re comfortable with now. When you’re able to come to terms with your past and NOT let it get to you while still being kind and understanding towards others…Girl….that’s true power you have right there.

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Step 5: Friendzone every single damn guy you meet.

I should probably rephrase this step but whatever. I’m gonna go with it. This step is straying away from your self-help and veering more towards strategy, but I’m keeping it because it also works for your own sanity and time when it comes to guys. At the end of the day, we all want to be boss bitches and this step can help with that as well.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re not interested in a guy and friendzone him, he tends to be EVEN MORE INTERESTED IN YOU? That’s because a) you probably didn’t tell him straight up that you’re not attracted to him b) you gave him the opportunity to get to know you in a nonsexual way and he liked you more and accepted you for it… On that note, have you ever noticed that when you ARE interested in a guy, you don’t friendzone him and go straight into HELLO THERE WINK WINK. I get it. BUT. Friendzoning everyone can be very beneficial for you in the end–even if you meet someone who’s hot as hell and checks all your boxes. It gives you the chance to get to know them while finding out if they truly like you for you. You can find out if you share similar values, interests, if they get along with your people, your life, if they would even make a good partner, and you can also find out if THEY are the Fuckboy. Also..in case the hot dude isn’t interested in you, then it saves you from rejection. It’s definitely the safe option.

WELP. That’s all I got. Full disclosure, half of what I said above could also be wrong as hell. But if it sounds like you could relate to it, give this post a like and follow if you want to read more posts like this. If you want me to write about some other topics or answer some questions about what’s going on in your love life, please let me know in the comments.

I re-read my Fuckboy post and I’m cracking up over my “make him your bitch” line LOL. What is wrong with me!

With love,

Homegirl

Author’s note: Hello! I know it’s been a long while since I updated this. I believe it was at the beginning of 2020 before we all got hit with a global pandemic! Well, *surprise surprise* I went through another break up during the first month of the COVID shut down, so I was busy recuperating and building myself back up. After going through a mini breakdown (which I will maaaybe write about later), I pretty much had no choice but to pick myself up while all my usual outlets were inaccessible. And I did.

Now it’s 2 years later…I am older, I am wiser, and I am SEMI-TRAINED in life and psychology skills (just finished my first year in a clinical psych doctoral program). AND I AM READY TO GIVE YA’LL SOME REAL ASS DATING ADVICE COMMENTARY THAT’S (partly) GROUNDED IN EXPERIENCE AND SCIENTIFIC FACTS! In my personal life, after the years of hard work, obstacles, and picking myself back up… I am finally, FINALLY living a life I’ve always dreamed of, I am in a good place mentally, and I would love to support and entertain my readers who are currently struggling.

Moving On the Healthy Way

Years ago, I wrote this post on this blog called Moving on the Unhealthy Way where I basically suggested dispersing your love and getting under someone else to get over someone. I mean…hey, it does work… but to an extent. It really depends on the person you’re sleeping with as well. I’ve thought about that quick-fix through the years, and what personally made me avoid doing that in the end was the fact that I was using this other person to make myself feel better.. so… that’s not very nice.

Side note: to go around that, be honest with the other person about your current feelings and intentions. Sometimes, they’re cool with it. *shrug*

I wrote that post at the time because it was the easy way. I had just separated from my toxic ex whom I was in love with, and I didn’t want to but I felt like needed to move on fast. Otherwise, I would have went back to him. I had just started therapy, so the coping methods I just learned about weren’t doing it for me. They were too slow, weren’t strong enough to get my mind off of him. Rebounding was the surefire way for me to escape from the initial pain of things.

But the unhealthy method is unhealthy for a reason. I wasn’t dealing with my emotions or putting in the mental work to move on. I mean. Maybe you’re a different type of homegirl and you’re just super self-aware like that, who knows. You’d be the exception!

Even though I already knew that rebounding and talking to as many guys as possible was a quick fix and bad for me (obviously, since I wrote the Unhealthy Way), it took me a minute to realize that in order for me to grow, I need to actually face these emotions head-on. And hey, maybe channel them into my own goals (I have clear goals now fyi). So.. years later, I’m gonna go ahead and add onto some of that old unhealthy shiz and write a Moving on the Healthy Way post. In the spirit of being healthy. New year, new me, right?

Let Yourself Mourn

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Wallow girl, wallow. Ice cream, pizza, weed, music, romcoms… Get. Those. Feelings. Out. and FEEL THEM. I don’t really suggest drinking or depending on drugs. Alcohol or pills when you’re really in your feels can be dangerous. You can go from regular-dark to empty-dark real fast and who knows what shit will go down. It’s just a bad decision in my opinion. I know some people who have turned to substances to try to numb their pain, and at the end of the day, they only hurt themselves. Even after a year of taking substances to try to mute their feelings.. their mental health didn’t just disintegrate, they also isolated themselves from everyone and literally nothing in their life improved. Do yourself a favor and don’t do this to yourself. Also, I love you ladies, so be strong.

Clean Your Shit Up

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Create a new space for yourself. Do some sprucing, toss out old things, do laundry, take a shower or a bubble bath, groom yourself, shave your vagina, drink a glass of water. Time to watch some Marie Kondo and clean up your life girl. Just clear out all the extra stuff and the baggage. According to Psychology Today, studies have shown that improving your cleanliness leads to better physical health, better focus, and even a better night’s sleep. I recently just ended things with this guy I was crazy about (he just wasn’t right for me), but after a night of wallowing and sleeping to forget him, I woke up and went on a cleaning frenzy the following day. Even though it didn’t do much in terms of moving on, at least I was able to wallow in a clean, clear, uncluttered living space.

When I’m feeling crappy on the inside, I also go out of my way to make myself look kickass and beautiful on the outside. That way I know I can still get it if I wanted to – but also, I’ve found that it slightly improves my mood. At the very least, I can get a good picture out of it.

Get Yourself Outside

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Fill your cloudiness with some actual sunshine. Even when I lived in the East Coast, I found some solace going outside.. even in the rain or snow. Especially in the snow. Now that I live on the West Coast, going out into the sun is super healing and it instantly lifts my mood. At the very least, it makes me feel independent. When I’m moving on from someone, I personally like taking a solo day to reflect. Whether it’s visiting a coffee shop, watching a movie in theater, hitting up the public library, reading at a park, going for a walk, hanging out with one or two good friends.. You name it. I know some people who go to the beach by themselves to do yoga or they go skating along some bike trail.. going for a hike. SO many darn things to do. If you’re going to be sad, be sad outside instead of inside a stuffy room.

Make a List

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First off, I love lists. Yes, sometimes I would make lists to complete tasks or when I’m packing before a flight or something. However, the right list to make here in this situation is a pro/con list. Then a goals list. Or a list of what you want in a perfect person for you. A list of tattoos you want to get. Places you want to go. Things you need to do to get your life in order. This kind of goes in the “clean up your life” category. For me, making a list helps me organize my crap and re-prioritize the things I need in my life. Making a list helps me regain back my focus.

Get Your Workout On

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Yup. Get that steam out of your system. I think of feelings like this cosmic ball of energy you have inside you, and when you’re feeling overloaded, you need to physically release that excess energy or else you’ll implode. I like pilates and dancing (twerking) by myself in my bedroom. Running, stairs, bleh. You get it. Also, when you’re working out, you’re making yourself more beautiful on the outside…you’re taking care of yourself… and who doesn’t like self-care? Even though your head might not be in the game right now because it’s clouded with feelings about this ex-person in your life, working out can help you create a new and improved version of you.

Do Something You Love

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Do you like drawing? Writing in your diary? Watching tv? Scootering? Competing in chess competitions? Whatever you love doing, do it. You might be feeling down and in a mood, but at least doing something you enjoy can give you the chance to alleviate some of that darkness you’re feeling. Even though it might be difficult to switch modes, try to think positive.

Don’t Look at Their Social Media

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I struggle with this one. After initially binging on their Instagram (going realll deep in there), I eventually tire out and stop checking. My personal problem is when I like someone, I tend to stalk them. To be fair though, a lot of women do this. Currently, I’ve been trying to avoid checking this guy’s Instagram activity.. but failing. I keep going to this girl’s page (my ex-guy constantly likes her overtly sexual photos…which is also annoying fuckboy behavior), and I check to see if he likes or comments on her photos. It has been 18 hours since her last post, and he’s still at it liking, liking, liking. Ugh.

Sometimes I’m so frustrated that I mute the guy. Muting their posts and story actually helps. You’re still their friend on social media, but you don’t get constant reminders whenever they’re around. Out of sight, out of mind. But let’s be real, they’ll still be on your mind sometimes. If you REALLY want to forget this person and delete them from your life, change their caller ID to say “SPAM RISK” or “Telemarketer” and you’ll literally never pick up their call ever again. That’s low-key Black Mirror shit right there.

Treat Yourself

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This is a special occasion. Yes, moving on can be terrible, but this is your rebirth into You 2.0 or 3.0 or 100.0. Take yourself out to a spa day, a massage. Go shopping and get those shoes you wanted for awhile. Get your nails did. Hair. Splurge on that restaurant you wanted to check out. Get yourself a fruit tart. Even better, a sugar daddy (ok, maaaybe this one isn’t for everyone lol). You’ll be surprised what a little TLC can do for your wellbeing. There are several reasons why treating yourself can be good for your mental health, some of which include increased dopamine, being self-compassionate, less depression, and more.

Spend Time With Family and Friends

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I take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t think hanging out with my mother is a fantastic idea when I’m trying to move on from a dude. She can be unintentionally hypercritical and make me feel worse sometimes. I enjoy hanging out with my sister and my best childhood friends when I’m feeling down, happy, bored, hungry. I head towards them when I’m in this mood. They know me the best, and even if we end up doing nothing, at least I’m with something familiar, comfortable, safe, and secure. So when you’re feeling this way, surround yourself with people who love you. The only exception to this suggestion is if your love situation is like Romeo and Juliet (and it’s clearly true love), but you’re in warring families and you’re like 12 years old. Sorry, I guess I’m tired lol.

Don’t Do Anything Drastic

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Calm the fudge down. No need to quit your job (unless you have a better job lined up), don’t get a new pet, try a gang of new drugs, or do some crazy shit like steal a cop car. Try being as stable as possible when you’re getting over someone.. at least be stable financially and physically. Mentally, you’re probably a hot mess, but life’s just going to get harder if you add another hot mess unstable element to it. Take care of your body.. eat. Stay hydrated. Shower. Keep up good hygiene. Don’t completely neglect your health, that’s not gonna help anyone — especially you. You do not want to be that person who gets rushed to the ER because you fainted or you can’t walk anymore because you’re constipated from eating terribly. Think about those extra bills. This is already a transitional period for you — don’t make it harder on yourself. That’s just not smart and overall poor planning.

So that was 10 suggestions. I could go on. My next one would have been to try something new. I still fully suggest that. Obviously not something too crazy, but something interesting that would revitalize and distract you. Perhaps try surfing or boarding. Take a cooking class. Painting, art class. You just lost someone who had an important place in your heart, so there’s a painful void there. A new hobby won’t replace that void, but it’ll make the emptiness more bearable, and with time — you’ll be stronger, better than ever.

Moving on is not easy. I’ve been in and out of so many relationships that I’m practically a pro at it now, but even for someone like me who has a heart of thorns.. moving on is still something I struggle with. Sometimes, people just aren’t a good match for you, and that’s totally OK. The way I see it is this.. I can’t be the right person for everyone. The right person for me isn’t supposed to be easy to find. Another thing? I’m a believer in the right person finding me. When the time is right, when I’m at my full self, my dream guy will show up and I’ll be ready.

Okay that’s all!!! Work on those if you need. Please feel free to drop a comment or contact me if you have any questions or if you just want to show some love.

xo,
Homegirl.

To My Fellow Queens Wrapping Up 2019

I’ve been in a mood lately. Perhaps it’s the holiday blues, perhaps it’s because I’ve been working non-stop. One day I’m a bit down and I hate boys, another day I’m like today is amazing and I (still) hate boys. Lol. I’m starting to suspect I low-key have a mood disorder.

But yeah, it could just be the holidays.

Holidays are a time when people (should) want to be together. Some people like being alone and with their immediate loved ones or maybe just their partner. I’m a little in between where I like to hit up maybe one or two house parties, and then go back and cuddle with a significant other, smoke a little weed, binge watch a show I really like.

Some years I have a boyfriend while other years I’m alone.

I haven’t really shared my personal life on this blog since maybe last year, but in 2019, I went through some ups-and-downs. Overall? *drumroll* I think I lived my best life this year. I amicably ended a two-year relationship, I got my Masters, I moved into my friend’s conveniently located (and beautiful) townhouse, got a job straight out of school, and transitioned my way back into the adult world .. out of student life.

What About The JUICY STUFF?

In typical Homegirl fashion, I jumped straight back into dating. Except this time around, I wanted to do it on my terms. I wanted a guy to hit all my checkboxes, no exceptions this time. If he didn’t fit it, then I’m patient and I can wait. At the same time, I was also seeing multiple guys, being open about seeing multiple guys to guys I was seeing (I know), and telling these dudes that I didn’t want a relationship.

I mean, this is all true. I shouldn’t be jumping into another relationship so quickly. There’s so much I need to work on with myself. Like, c’mon give me maybe 5 more years, then I’ll be ready to settle down and nest. The problem is — at my core, I’m a relationship kind of girl.

Yeah… still trying to figure out what I want from men as I build my career.

There are several high-quality men I’m chatting with at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the Masters degree or that my money situation is a lot better these days, but the kind of guys I date now are guys I could only dream of dating when I was 21.

At 21, I was still going out with fuckboys. I loveeeed loser fuckboys with no job. And if they sold drugs or were in prison? Even better lol. I was certified insane when I was 21.

These days, I’m talking to doctors, business owners, CEOs, tech geniuses, ahh.. and models and IG personalities etc etc. And the kicker? They’re all hot. ALL OF THEM. Ripped hotties who want to take me out to proper dinners. WHO AM I? I don’t know.

What Changed?

Over the past few years, my personality hadn’t really changed much, but my mindset and self-respect definitely did. At the most basic level.. I respect myself, my time, and my mental space.

Respecting myself as in.. I don’t care who you are.. no matter how rich you are, how high your status is, how old you are — treat me like a human who is neither greater than or less than you. Equal. I was raised to be polite with manners, and I come from a culture that traditionally values submissive women, but if someone is being rude and talking down to me (especially a date who might make more or is older.. whatever), I don’t need to waste my time. There are plenty of other guys who are just as rich, handsome, confident, and successful as you who WON’T talk down to me. And those are the men that I want.

Respecting my time as in.. I’m a busy girl. Seriously, I am. I also really enjoy my allotted alone time every week. I work out, I love self-care, and I have my army of protective girlfriends and my sister to pay attention to. Guys ask me out regularly, so why would I go out of my way to pursue a dude who won’t text me to confirm a previously discussed time, or won’t give me details for where they’d like to take me out for a date? I would much rather be working out, at a steam room, getting my nails done (hair done, face done, legs and vagina done lol), writing, reading, partying, working……. SO MANY THINGS I’D RATHER DO than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t even have the respect to get back to me in a timely manner. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Guys who do that, especially in the beginning, are the kind of guys who will only get worse the more you accept that kind of behavior from them. Don’t have time for those kinds of dudes – that’s why they still single as hell.

Lastly, when I say respecting my mental space, and this is very important, I mean this. We all have a certain capacity for how much we can fit into our mental space every day before becoming exhausted, tired, fatigued. Whether it’s a friend or a relationship, if that person is sucking the life out of you to the point where you have no more mental energy to focus on bettering yourself or what’s truly important to you.. Let. *clap* That. *clap* Person. *clap* Go. Forreal. Whether it’s a friend or a guy who is bringing drama to your life, pointing out things about you that seem like criticism, or just pulling you into a state of anxiety and uncertainty… YEAHhhhhhh fuck that (not literally). Let them go.

And that’s all. Ever since I’ve adapted that kind of mentality, the quality of men I’ve been seeing have shot up. These men aren’t clingy, they’re equally busy, they have their share of female options as well, and did I mention….THEY’RE HOT?!

But here I am, all in my holiday feels, even though I am talking to several people. At the end of the day, I’m a relationship kind of girl… who thinks like a noncommittal single guy.. who craves companionship.. but also wants to be alone. Clearly, I’m still trying to figure out what I want for myself. I’m not as confused as I was earlier this year, but I’m also not like… I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF WHEN I WANT like a Type A weirdo. Ok maybe a bit.

Just going with the flow these days. I finally started getting the hang of my stressful but *hit the ground running* job, so I have more time to commit to myself and my passion projects. As I typed this blog entry up, I messaged my close girlfriends to kickstart our upcoming pop-psychology podcast we wanted to start – discussing our highs and woes of sex, life, love, and modern dating. We’re gonna drink some wine, talk psych, and hang out cause we’re all homegirls. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the catch-up! I swear, more posts to come.

Love you Queens,

Homegirl

How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 2

Oh. My. God. I’m so sorry it took so long for me to post a new blog. These past two months have been CURR-AYYY-ZEEE between school, my birthday, traveling, family visiting, and graduation. I know right? But now, you’re looking at Homegirl Confessions with a Masters Degree in Psychology. What what!

Now…to continue from my previous post (Re: How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 1), you’ve already had two months to work on maintaining a solid self-image and being more secure in yourself. You’ve had time to find out what is truly you. I hope you are all more beautiful men and women because of that re-frame.

If you’ve been sitting around eating junk food and watching Netflix during that time instead of working on yourself, which (let’s be real) is probably what happened, that’s completely OK too, but either way. I’m going to sum up the final steps for How to Win Over a Fuckboy.

So far, I basically just told you to make yourself independent, secure, and brave. Let me tell you something — most PEOPLE in general, respect a woman who has these characteristics. These are qualities that can possibly help you find a good relationship, better self-outlook, and sometimes even a new job.

Now that you’re well on your way to becoming your ideal self, it’s time to move on to the next few steps when interacting with your Fuck Boy.

STEP 4: Be a Little Less Friendly Than He is to You

In other words, act like a cool bitch. A patient cool bitch! Cool bitches don’t chase after men — they just don’t. Men chase them. Cool chicks know exactly who they are, and they know that if they act like the Needy chick, the Fuckboy can easily win, and they’ll always have the upper hand. DON’T PICK HIM UP ANYWHERE, DON’T PAY FOR HIM, DON’T KISS HIS ASS, DON’T GO TO HIM. Force that guy to invest time IN YOU. Because honey — you’re worth it.

But also, look at the situation.

For example, if he just flew back into town after spending the holidays with his family and he has NO ONE to pick him up from the airport because he left his car at home AND HE CALLS YOU AND YOU HAVE TIME. It’s OK to pick him up. That’s not needy or desperate, that’s called being a good friend because you’re available. But also emphasize that he owes you dinner in exchange. NOT DICK. Actual dinner.

STEP 5: Try Not To Sleep With Him…Just Tease.

This is when these steps start getting real hard. Practicing self-control and keeping your boundaries up early on in the relationship…blah.

Don’t be easy, even if deep down inside, you knows you’s a hoe. AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A HOE, BABYGIRL. WE ARE ALL HOES. But if you’re trying to get a guy you really want — try using a dildo instead or something and keep it in your pants. The end game is to trap his ass right? Leave him intrigued and fantasizing.

BUT. And this is a big BUT. It’s ultimately up to you if you wanna sleep with your fuckboy. Perhaps you’re someone who can emotionally handle having sex with him right away. I mean, it’s 2019. Times are changing. However, if you MUST sleep with him, I suggest GETTING THE FUDGE OUT of his place immediately. Don’t stay. Don’t cling. Don’t linger. If you’re gonna sleep with him, own your sexuality and independence and BIZOUNCE.

STEP 6: Know Your Worth

When you’re in a relationship with a good man, he will make sure you know what you’re worth. However, with a fuckboy–these guys all seem to have an uncanny ability to make you feel like you’re never good enough. FORREAL. They may talk about how they used to (or still) date beautiful women, successful women, amazing women, etc. Maybe that’s what attracts you to them, but a good man…would never make you feel less than. He’ll make you feel like he won the lottery with you.

Since you’re trying to WIN OVER A FUCKBOY…it is YOUR JOB to know your own worth. Don’t expect your fuckboy to validate you. I mean, sometimes they will validate you and make you feel like you’re on top of the world with just a teeny little compliment. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you to know how amazing you are and how LUCKY that guy is to have you in his life. Trust, this faith in yourself will translate into CONFIDENCE. I’m telling you. There is nothing like an empowered woman to make a fuckboy feel like he’s gotta work a little harder.

STEP 7: Date Other Guys

I dated this guy before, we had a great night, and we went out to get coffee the next day. Basically, he told me that he didn’t want to make it weird if I ran into him and he was with another girl–because he was seeing other people.

My reaction? “Oh! That’s cool, I’m seeing other people too.” *I look relieved and flash him my beautiful smile*

Based on his reaction, it caught him by surprise. But I mean…I really was seeing other people, and there was no point lying to him.

Let’s say I was ONLY seeing him and no one else. ALL my attention was on this one dude that I just slept with, and he just told me he was seeing other people. I would have (probably) been real hurt or angry. I would have felt disposable. I would have felt a need to compete. I might have felt less than. Insecure. A bunch of feels.

Personally, I still woulda told him I’m seeing other people.

When you’re dating other guys, your attention is divided. You and Fuckboy are on the same page about dating, same playing field, EQUAL.

He’s got options? You got options too, girl.

STEP 8: Be Direct With What You Want

OK. So. Think about the advice I’ve given you so far. If you go step-by-step, you might have realized that another issue in your relationship with Fuckboy has arisen. Think about it. You’re casually sleeping with him (or not) and you’ve made it known (or not) that you’re seeing other guys and you’re super duper confident and know your worth.

Another reason why your Fuckboy might be acting like a Fuckboy might be because you’ve carried yourself like this so far. He might think you’re OK the way things are. He still gets to sleep with you and other girls, he doesn’t need to commit, and he knows you’re cool AF. This is when you need to straighten him out.

BE DIRECT WITH HIM AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. Or leave.

If you’ve been acting hella cool and you’ve hung out with this dude for about half a year already, it’s safe to say that a fair amount of time has passed by for him to know whether or not he wants to be with you. Be direct about being exclusive, and let him know that if he’s not gonna do that, you’re gonna have to move on. At the end of the day, you’re not looking to collect fuck buddies. You’re looking for a REAL, HONEST, MATURE relationship.

No one can read your mind. If you want something, say you want it. But also, be prepared for him to say no too. Respect yourself and walk away.

PERHAPS. Your Fuckboy just needs time to think and process your request to be exclusive. Give him a week or two to mull things over, and then if things still don’t change, it’s time to break things off — or even better yet, just ignore the dude until you’ve processed everything fully. Definitely, don’t pick up his drunk calls.

Make him get used to not depending on you and not having you around. Make him miss you.

STEP 9: Make a Decision

Do you want to wait for him or do you think you deserve more? Whatever you decide, don’t keep changing your mind like a confused flip-flopper. I am notorious for changing my mind. I tell people that sometimes, I feel like I’m in a constant state of confusion because making decisions…yeah, that’s not my forte.

I legit FELL IN LOVE with King Fuckboy a couple years ago. Honestly, he was starting to change his ways, and I had gotten all the way to this step right hurr. He told me he wasn’t talking to other girls anymore, and he was there to support me whenever I needed. It was what I was asking from him all along — except he never explicitly said he was gonna stop banging other girls.

Perhaps I was just scared of taking a risk at the time, but I ultimately made the decision to leave him. I weighed out my feelings vs. my BRAIN and logic. If I decided to be with this guy, I felt like he would cheat on me. He didn’t really take me out on dates that required him to spend money (even tho he was pretty successful). He also *and I emphasize this one is probably the most important* he never went down on me. AHEM AHEM. DEAL BREAKER.

So no matter how much I loved this dude, I couldn’t imagine dealing with the bad stuff long term. That was my decision that I stuck with. BUT…if I ran into this guy TOMORROW, after not interacting with him for a couple years already — I honestly believe that he would approach our relationship differently.

But if I had made a decision to leave…and then I came back…and then I changed my mind…He would lose respect for me. He would get used to the disappearing and coming back. He would treat me worse over time. Don’t put yourself in that loop.

STEP 10: The Long Game

For me, I like to play the long game. I wait at least a month before contacting him back, and I’m mentally prepared to never talk to him again. Why?

A part of the reason why the Fuckboy treats you the way he does is BECAUSE he doesn’t really know you that well or for that long. He doesn’t trust you. Or because you have ALLOWED him to act this way towards you for so long that he’s just used to it. However, if you wait a month, two months, half a year, a year…whatever. You’re OFFICIALLY a girl he has had history with who has previously put her foot down. When you two eventually reconnect, he’ll have a little bit more respect for you than he did before.

You’d be amazed how being patient can change things. It can somehow build trust and loyalty where there was none, simply because you’ve known each other for a longer period of time. Conversation is weird at first, but when it keeps going, you’ll start speaking with each other more comfortably, with familiarity. You’re honest about things you haven’t been before.

This is the time when you’re no longer just that girl he was sleeping with. You’re [insert name here]. The cool girl who got away. That enigma.

Beware though — there’s a chance he might have a girlfriend by then. But if he’s really a fuckboy…he won’t. Not so quickly. Maybe. I don’t know.

Conclusion

So…I hope ya’ll know. This post got a little confusing around the end. It’s because this method can honestly go either way. As I mentioned in my previous Fuckboy post…they keep on evolving. Changing. Dating is changing. Etiquette is changing.

Even though this method has worked for me in the past, it has also created a lot of open-ended relationships with guys I’ve once dated. Yes, it’s helped me get long-term boyfriends, but they’ve also snagged me a lot of toxic dudes who wouldn’t let go as well.

I get messages from guys 2, 5, 10 years later saying that they felt like they made the wrong choice before with me. That I got under their skin. That means I win right? No. I MADE THAT CHOICE. NOT YOU FUCKBOY. This situation sucks because oftentimes by the time they contact me, these guys are with other women long-term–not me. BUT. When you re-frame…I wouldn’t wanna be that woman they’re with now because their man is still messaging other women !!!!! Does that make sense?

So what I’m saying is that my steps…aren’t foolproof. But HEY. There’s no one-stop guide to life. We just live it the best we can ya’ll.

A lot of other factors come into play too for the Fuckboy when he’s deciding whether or not he wants to be with you only. For example, how attractive are you to him? He might be shallow AF and just like you for your nice rack. Also, is he a super rich dude and you a super ghetto girl? There might be issues that come up with unequal financial status. Same with education, age, life habits, friends you have, etc. Normal dating stuff if you ask me.

Now that I’m older, there’s absolutely nothing I find sexier than RESPONSIBILITY, RESPECTING YOUR WOMAN, LOYALTY, HUMILITY, and TAKING INITIATIVE WITH YOUR LIFE. A Fuckboy might have a few of these qualities, but never all of them. I look for the guy who has all of them. Now, that might not be for you–if that’s the case, check out my Perfect Man Method.

OK, my brain seriously hurts now.

Homegirl OUT.

How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 1

Fuckboys.

Whenever the subject of Fuckboys come up, I either feel like I know everything about them or absolutely nothing at all. While Urban Dictionary or a simple Google search can offer endless answers, chances are, if you’re reading this post, you already know damn well what a Fuckboy is…and you also want to *shivers* learn how to win them over.

Defining the Fuckboy aka Fuckboiii

To the girl who is in love with the Fuckboy, they might not be a Fuckboy to you. They might just be this kind of guy:

• A guy who means well, but he just makes a lot of mistakes when it comes to dating.
• A guy who likes you and is really sweet, but he’s got too much going on in his life right now to even think about relationships.
• A guy that a lot of girls seem to be going after…it’s not his fault he’s such a catch that he attracts a lot of women.
• A guy who still needs to figure himself out internally, so he doesn’t want anything serious, but still wants to date you at the same time.
• His friends are fuckboys–not him.

Don’t be in denial ya’ll. If you want to truly conquer the Fuckboy, you first MUST acknowledge him for who he is in all his shameful glory. If you don’t know what the definition of a Fuckboy is, here are some of my personal definitions, which I assure you are 1000% accurate lol:

• A fuckboy is a boy who thinks he’s a man, but he’s really not. He’s a sheep in wolve’s clothing. He’s just an embodiment of qualities he mistakenly THINKS are considered manly, such as being a douche, being a player/womanizer, and being disproportionately smug and confident about himself.
• A fuckboy is a guy who bombards you with messages after meeting you once, saying weird ass shit like “you’re the one for me” or “if I were your man, I’d never leave you” or (my personal favorite) “you’re perfect. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
• A fuckboy is a manchild who is clear about NOT wanting anything serious with you, but he will still try to hang out with you in an ambiguous and questionably flirty manner. All the while, he’s posting pics up online with him hanging with a buncha other bitches like that’s normal and cool.
• A fuckboy is a guy who is overwhelmed with too many romantic options, and his greedy ass wants to pick everyone. Or just have sex for the hell of it even if it’s at the risk of leading you on. This kind of fuckboy might also have a large penis–and you’re probably in love with it.
• A fuckboy is a guy who might already be unavailable, he could have a longterm girlfriend, yet he’ll still go after you–regardless of your situation, and act as if he truly wants to be with you.

In a nutshell, a Fuckboy is the “well-intentioned” player who doesn’t mean to hurt you, lead you on, or act like a douche — but he will inevitably do so….and in a dramatic, shocking, assholish, and unpredictable fashion. They are the asshole that refuses to acknowledge he’s an asshole, even though he walks, talks, and breaths bullshit.

Analyzing the Fuckboy

It seems that Fuckboys come in all different shapes and sizes these days. They can be handsome, ugly, young, old, preppy, nerdy, tall, short, fat, scrawny, whatever — these guys just keep evolving. They don’t even have to be charming anymore! They’re just regular ass dudes who seem unattainable. In the past, there were the “players” or the “bad boys,” but those guys grew out of fashion, and with the millennial generation emerged the swaggery, misunderstood Fuckboy.

If you peel back the dapperly-dressed layers of the modern Fuckboy, you’ll oftentimes find a guy who’s deeply insecure about his own life. Also–chances are, he’s probably had his heart broken by a Fuckgirl (will talk about this bitch in my next post), so not committing and acting aloof might just be their defense mechanism against getting hurt again.

It’s almost as if some of these guys heard the term “nice guys finish last” SO MANY TIMES when they were younger, but at the same time, they also didn’t want to be a dickhead–that they seemed to have internalized the two concepts. As a result, they turned into a “sort of asshole” but not a complete one. .. Have I lost you? Lol.

Why am I Writing This Post?

At this point, you Fuckboy-smitten girls are probably wondering….”if this chick hates Fuckboys so much, why is she writing an article about how to win them over?”

Well…I used to be obsessed with Fuckboys. As it turns out, I have quite the talent for attracting these special types of a-holes. Even now!! Except now, they don’t phase me at all. I repeat, FUCKBOYS HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME. In fact, the more fuckboy-ish they act, the less I’m interested.

After 15 years of dating Fuckboys, and even being married to a Fuckboy and Master Manipulating Alcoholic Manchild, it’s safe to say that I’ve had what feels like a lifetime of experience dealing with and observing Fuckboys.

So my simple answer to the WHY is this: ...because I like winning. Behind my kind face and overall helpfulness and sass, I can be quite the spiteful and vindictive bitch who thinks all Fuckboys should go down. But before taking them down, one first needs to know how to win them over.

Therefore, it’s my duty to pass on my knowledge to women who don’t have as much experience dealing with them as I do.

SO…How Do You Win Over the Fuckboy?

STEP 1: Know Yourself, the Good and the Bad

I might have known everything about how to identify a Fuckboy in my early 20s, but I didn’t really know much about myself back then. I wasn’t aware of my behavior, and I wasn’t mindful about the way I portrayed myself.

When I was a young’n, I craved risk, danger, excitement, whirlwind romances, and spontaneity–all of that packaged into one hot guy. I was a sucker for the Fuckboy, and the ones I usually hung around were handsome, popular, charming — and they happened to attract all the ladies.

I was a different kind of girl back then. I was dependent. Needy. Hungry for validation and attention. Insecure. Jealous. Cared WAY too much. Wanted to spend every minute with Fuckboy. I was invested. I was controlling. Suspicious (still suspicious). I was way too nice. I would put my own time aside to spend time with the Fuckboy at the drop of a hat.

Back then, I was able to attract the Fuckboy, but because of those traits listed in the previous paragraph, I was never able to keep them for long. Secret? NO GUY is ever seriously into a girl like that, and if they are — you need to run away from those dudes as fast as you can.

In identifying my positive qualities, I was also very intelligent (school-wise) and extremely accomplished before I was even old enough to drink. I wish my parents woulda told me this when I was growing up, but I was always beautiful enough, smart enough, and good enough. And if a guy cannot see that–he is absolutely not worth it.

STEP 2: Be the Best Version of Yourself

After learning more about yourself, try changing your bad habits and grow your strengths. Keep in mind that fuckboys will still fuck an insecure and dependent girl, but they would NEVER commit to a longterm relationship with one if they can help it. Also, since fuckboys usually like to surround themselves with a lot of other women, you might have some pretty stiff competition. You want stand out from the pack, be a better woman than all of them.

Let’s say you want to be more independent. If you have trouble being alone, try watching a movie in theaters by yourself. Going out to a restaurant on your own. Or maybe even something simple like going to the gym on your own. If you normally need to be with a guy 24/7 or you’re needy af, try spending some quality time with your own friends, add a fun activity to your daily life, or fill up your time doing something meaningful (unrelated to the Fuckboy) for yourself. You might feel self-conscious, lame, and very uncomfortable at first–but I promise you’ll feel more empowered afterwards.

As for acknowledging your strengths. Are you amazing at fashion? Take some steps to create your own fashion empire. Good at decorating? Remake your home. You enjoy reading? Start a book club. There’s no way you’re terrible at everything, and even if you are, it’s not like great people started off being great. Once the Fuckboy sees that you’re doing things that make you happy, growing as a person, and doing YOUR OWN THING, they’ll take notice. They’ll also respect you more for it.

STEP 3: Have Your Own Life Away from Him

Surround yourself with other friends–maybe even *gasp* other guys. When I was younger, I would wait around my house all day, waiting for the Fuckboy to call me. Or maybe I’d even text him first. I would go to work yeah, but in the back of my mind, I’d always wonder if he’d call and ask me out to dinner at his place or mine. My life would revolve around the Fuckboy to the point where I was neglecting invites to hang out with other friends. Sometimes, there’d be an event going on at work, and I’d skip them to hang out with the Fuckboy.

Are you always driving to his place? Are you dropping plans with other people to hang out with him? Have your own life away from the Fuckboy!! AND LET HIM KNOW IT. If he asks you out and you have plans already, SAY NO….and then offer a somewhat vague, future date or DON’T offer an alternate date at all. Most of the time, the Fuckboy will text you back (yes, text). And if he doesn’t? He doesn’t like you–at least not enough.

Remember that HE’S the one who needs to find time in your life. Make that dude work a little. You, my friend, are an in-demand woman who knows who she is, knows how to be strong and independent, and YOU HAVE A LIFE that doesn’t involve doting on this guy who can’t keep his dick in his pants.

If you’ve truly done the first two steps, this step should be easy. The psychology behind this step is simple. Unless that Fuckboy you’re after is actually a Narcissistic asshole, he does not want to be the center of your world. However, if he knows that you might be too busy, or losing interest in him, he’ll sense that — and he’ll try harder. Trust, having your own life is a good thing.

…….And that’s it for now. The second part to this post will be up next week. I’ll go through the last SIX STEPS in How to Win Over a Fuckboy, Part 2. In the meantime, practice the first three steps. If you’re doing it right, you’ll realize those steps take much longer than you’d expect. But I swear, if you follow it and work on yourself — you’ll feel so rewarded afterwards. You’ll also be ready to continue the next steps to winning over the Fuckboy.

If you liked this post, you might also like The Perfect Man Method, which teaches you how to find your perfect guy.

Make him your bitch, girl.

Love,
Homegirl

Dealing with Rude People

I feel the need to talk about this subject because…well, it just feels like I’ve been encountering very rude people lately. You see, the kind of energy I tend to give off is very positive, encouraging, and supportive, so when someone comes into my life spraying poison and negativity all over the place guns a blazing…I notice.

This was, and still is, a big issue for me, especially when it comes to responding back to rude people. I seem to have only two gears, both of which are the polar opposite of each other. I’m like Winston from New Girl when he pulls pranks — they’re either too little or too much (Watch video here). In other words, I either underreact and let the rude person get away with their bad behavior, or I overreact and cuss them out and then some.

After working for years at an entertainment company, learning valuable info about therapy and psychology in grad school, and going through general life bullshit, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to respond to rude people. My answer is to either ignore them, assert my opinion and rationally explain the facts, or kill them with kindness.

If you’re a crazy person like I can be sometimes though, ignoring them can be hard. At the same time, asserting yourself might be tricky as well. I remember sending a friendly message (or at least I thought it was friendly) to a fellow freelance writer before. A little background, we were responsible for double-checking whether or not someone else had already written about a particular topic, and I saw that she pitched an idea that I had already done. In my friendly message, I just told her that I had written it before–and her response was kind of aggressive.

Me: Hi *Chick, I saw that you posted this idea, I wanted to let you know that I already wrote that one! *insert article link here* You might have missed it, but I wanted to give you a heads up before the editor notices it.

Her: I don’t care if she rejects it or not. You wrote an article that was greenlit, and it was pretty much the same as mine and no one said anything. Why don’t you mind your own business?

*PAUSE*

This is when I was thinking to myself, “OK THIS BITCH.” If this were in person, I’d be ready to take off my earrings and throw down. Lol, jk I wouldn’t. I took a few minutes to cool down before responding.

Me: I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I sent you that message as a courtesy.

Her: No you didn’t.

Me: I did. I’ve read your articles, and I think you’re a great writer. There’s plenty of articles to go around for both of us, so there’s really no reason for me to be upset.

So you saw what I did in my response? Old me would have been like, “You’re fucking crazy, stupidass bitch.” and then try to make her feel dumb and then threaten her lol. New and improved me is still the same girl, but a different story. I’m an adult now and I need to learn how to get along with other people, even if I don’t like them. You ever hear the term “Kill them with kindness”?

What was bonkers is that after I responded that way, she became very friendly. It was weird. That bitch was legit insane. She Facebook friended me and she asked if I wanted to go out and get bubble tea with her. WHO DOES THAT? Anyways, things were dandy after that exchange. She eventually got fired because the editor deemed her “too defensive,” which was true. I occasionally look at her Facebook and read her rants. It seems like she regularly gets into fights with her friends as well.

Back to my topic. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH RUDE PEOPLE? Well, here are a few questions to consider before you impulsively respond.

Are you reading too much into it?
Sometimes, people just have bad messaging etiquette. It’s uncanny. I’ve emailed and texted with people who just seemed so short and rude, but then in person, they’re actually the sweetest. Maybe they’re just being normal, and YOU’RE actually the one who’s being too sensitive. This is my rule of thumb for gauging whether or not you’re reading too much into something. If it’s a *questionable* statement that can go either way, I ignore it. However, if it’s blatantly rude like the one you see above…they’re using “you” in an attacking manner or if they’re like *Chick above and they say, “why don’t you mind your own business?” Stand up for yourself, but remember to do it in a classy way. REMEMBER, KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.

Are they projecting their insecurities onto you?
Maybe someone had a bad day. Maybe they just broke up or someone died. Maybe they’re busy and everyone’s bombarding them, and they just flipped. Recognize the situation. If you feel like someone is verbally attacking you, but the things that they’re saying are absolutely untrue, it might be that they’re just projecting their own feelings onto you. Whenever I recognize that this is the kind of person I’m dealing with, I avoid them. I understand though that when I’m a therapist one day, it’ll be different. In therapy, they teach you how to be like Teflon, letting this bullshit just slide off you. Stay true to yourself and YOU KNOW who you are, don’t listen to them. In fact, it makes me feel better simply reminding myself that this person might just be so deeply insecure that they feel the need to be rude to others. It actually ends up making me feel sad about their situation.

Are they socially awkward?
Believe it or not, there are people who are just emotional robots. They don’t know how to properly respond, react, or communicate with others. These people tend to be blunt in their exchanges, and though they don’t mean to come off this way, their lack of empathetic words, emojis, intonations, and overall blank expressions might translate to others as rudeness. If you’ve observed this person already, and you know they’re socially awkward like this, my advice is to get used to it. Unless they’re blatantly being super rude in a way that will impact, I dunno, a working relationship or something or they’re your underling at work and their behavior is getting in the way of communicating with others, there’s really no need to say anything. Think about it. If they’re socially awkward, they’re probably either really nice inside or a sociopath inside. You wouldn’t want to react badly in either situation.

Are they being defensive?
Maybe you were the one who said something wrong. Maybe what sounds like just your average everyday speech is actually you making someone feel bad. Maybe you’re the one who said something offensive. Did you talk about their parents, kids, friends, family? You might have thought you were being nice, but did you say something mean about fat people, gay people, minorities, or a certain group? Perhaps they identify with that group. Maybe you were just trying to be funny or amicable, but your joke just fell short. People say that in every joke, there’s a little bit of truth. I personally hate being trolled by people–I think that people who spend their time bringing others down for fun need to go see me in therapy because you need to address that shit. See, in that sentence alone, I probably offended some trolls. The world needs more people who want to build others up. I love those people.

Are they just plain mean and condescending?
If they are, don’t waste your energy on them. They might not be deeply insecure, they might just think they’re better than you. There are people like this in the world. I’ve grown to believe that I’m equal to everyone. NO ONE is above or below me no matter who they are. I don’t care if you’re famous or you make a lot more money than I do. I don’t care if you’re older than I am or if you’re more educated than I am. I am confident enough in myself as a person and the things that I do to recognize that I’m happy. If someone is being mean and condescending to you and they’re your boss, you can quit and find another job or secretly make their life miserable. Like put little pieces of shit in their office. If they’re mean and condescending and they’re not your boss? Ohh…*rubs hands together* get ready to throw down.

I’m just kidding, just walk away. When I’m in that situation, I look them straight in the eye and I tell them. I don’t care how wealthy you are, and I don’t care about your job, or how smart or popular you are. I judge people by their character, and right now, you’re acting like a condescending pretentious piece of shit…

And then I would go into full cuss mode.

Anyways, that’s how I deal with rude people. LOL. Honestly, killing assholes with kindness has been working for me the past few years. Nothing’s more annoying than someone who’s trying to insult you, but there you are, with a shitass eating grin on your face acting all classy and nice. It makes them look bad, and it gives you POWER.

I’m sure there are some bits of reasonable advice in there. Hope you guys have a lovely day! Feel free to drop a comment below.

xoxo,

Homegirl.

Is There a Limit to Kindness?

Be generous. Be kind. Be humble. Be caring. Be considerate. Be polite.

These are all values I’ve learned growing up, but a part of me kind of wishes my parents drilled in other values instead. For example, be strong. Be opinionated. Be proud. Be smart. Be thoughtful.

These were values that I sort of instilled in myself throughout the years after looking at my peers. I noticed that the most successful, and believe it or not, well-liked individuals, were actually the ones who weren’t afraid to be opinionated, strong-willed, stubborn, and yeah–super braggy. Meanwhile, those who were more like me…a bit timid and shy though a perfect embodiment of all the former values…we were largely ignored and overlooked.

Jennifer Kim, a blogger for Psychology Today and Valley Girl With a Brain, talks about the dangers of being too nice, especially in today’s cutthroat society. Kim admits, “People tell us that the best way to achieve this is by being nice to other people: Give compliments, share your food, buy them gifts, etc.” She goes on to explain that in her case, “The strange thing was that even though I did nice things for people, I still rarely felt like anyone genuinely accepted me or that I was building deeper friendships.”

In my experience, this statement rings true. It didn’t seem to matter how nice I was to others. When I actually thought about it, people didn’t really start to want to get to know me until I began voicing my own opinions, caring more about myself, and pulled back from hanging out with them. I dunno, I still think this way of thinking is sort of fucked up.

Even at work, I noticed that the assistants who were treated with the most respect were the ones who were rude, impatient, and complained a lot. Not the ones who were flexible or amenable. Even though people talked so much shit about them behind their back, they would treat those guys with the most respect–give them the promotions and raises.

Dr. Sherry Pagoto, an associate professor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, theorizes that being too nice, which would technically label you as a people pleaser, comes from one’s fear of being rejected or fear of failure. While most people pleasers are going out of their way to help others though–they often forget their own self-care.

YES, this shit all resonates with me. Dammit! But at the same time, it also deeply confused and disappointed me.

Someone once told me that I was “Nice to a Fault,” and though they were well-meaning, it honestly made me feel like I was being called a pushover or a doormat. Who wants to be a doormat? I mean…maybe, I am. But after they called me that, I kept asking myself, “Is there really a limit to kindness?” SHOULD THERE BE A FUCKING LIMIT TO KINDNESS?

That term went against the values I was taught– and it honestly made me angry. It unraveled what I knew to be right, and twisted it into something negative. But at the same time, the term Nice to a Fault just couldn’t leave my head. I was forced to think about it seriously.

After much pondering and mulling things over, I had to give in. OK yeah, there’s definitely a limit to kindness. However, I’m not going to go and tell someone not to be nice–as long as they’re comfortable with who they are.

This is still related, I swear — but I have a really good friend named Samy. He’s a simple guy. Most of his work experience has been working at restaurants. He has the voice of an angel and big dreams to make it in the music industry. He’s not the biggest or strongest guy, but he’s sassy and you guessed it–kind to a fault.

He’s the type of person who would help a stranger, no questions asked, even if it meant putting his own safety at risk.

I know this about him because I was one of those strangers he helped.

In fact, it was kind of a dangerous choice on his part to help me–because my ex could have really hurt him. The smart decision would have been to stay out of it. I already shared the story of my toxic husband in detail, and I don’t remember if I mentioned Samy in it exactly, but he played an integral role in helping me get out of that situation.

Without getting into too many details, the point is that Samy helped me during a point in my life when I really needed it. Even though he barely even knew me, as a direct result of his kindness, he saved me from a really bad situation. It takes an overly kind person to do this for someone, especially when they aren’t your friend like that, but ever since then–I’ve looked at Samy as a hero.

I guess the moral of the story is not to knock on people who are Nice to a Fault. Yes, there are so, so many risks and dangers that come with being too nice–especially towards those who don’t deserve your kindness. But at the end of the day, you never really know what can happen. You might end up being at the receiving end of their kindness one day, and you’ll be thankful that there are people like this in the world.

That being said — I think I’ll just integrate kindness AND strength into my mindset. ALL OF THOSE VALUES that I mentioned above actually. I think as long as there’s a balance between being kind to others and being kind to yourself….. OK getting distracted. Um OK, thank you for reading my verbal vomit.

Love,
Homegirl

Take Care of Yourself First

Before you can take care of other people, you need to learn how to take care of yourself first.

There are several types of people in the world. There are those people in society who are utterly selfish and narcissistic. For example, that ex of yours who just couldn’t stop making everything about him/herself. Or that aunt who would waste hours of family time staring at herself in the mirror. And then there are those people who are on the complete other end of the spectrum. Those are the ones I’m talking about in this post.

These people aren’t as clearcut as the selfish/narcissistic individual, and they come in many forms. They could be an overprotective parent, a needy spouse, a micromanaging coworker, a bossy friend…etc, the list goes on. This person could even be you.

What these people all have in common is that they care. They may be empathetic and supportive, but to the extent where they’re putting their own self-care responsibilities to the wayside.

What This Means
According to Psychology Today, for many people, learning to love him or herself first is something that’s difficult because it might come off as being selfish. That seems to be where the confusion is…knowing what’s considered “selfish” and what’s considered “self-care.” It seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? How can you possibly take care of another person physically, emotionally, or financially if you suck at taking care of your own body, emotions, or finances? How can you be there for others if you can’t even take the time to care for yourself?

A good rule of thumb to follow is to listen to what you’re telling other people and apply it to your own life. Are you the one scolding your intern about how she should eat healthier, yet you’re the one who can never find time to eat at all? No one likes a hypocrite. Don’t be one! Chances are if you’re trying to care for someone else, you want them to listen to you right? Well, if you’re guilty of the exact same thing (for example, if you smoke but you’re telling all your friends that they shouldn’t smoke), what right do you have to tell someone to do otherwise?

Personal Experience
I used to be that co-dependent girlfriend in the relationship. You know what I’m talking about. The one who threw herself into her boyfriend’s life, career, and goals, while pushing her own responsibilities and goals to the corner. It seemed that every boyfriend of mine would grow to their max potential during our relationship. I would be there whenever they needed help, guidance, support.

When I was younger, I was in a long-term relationship with an aspiring musician. I helped him brainstorm ways to move up the ladder, I’d go to every single one of his shows, help with his resume, go to his practices, prepare his food, go to all his family outings and obligations, I’d go with him to work, you name it. I was there. I saw this dude every day for nearly four years in a row, and I made it all about him.

You can imagine how I felt about myself. After neglecting my own goals for so many years, I felt incredibly insecure about my own career trajectory, the quality of my friendships, my physical health, and my own talent and skills. I spent most of my time either talking about my boyfriend and living through him. Whenever someone asked about my own plans, I’d just pivot the conversation back to my boyfriend’s successes. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but with a 9-5 job and the rest of my time dedicated to my boyfriend and his activities, I didn’t write a thing. My skills never progressed.

I’m not gonna delve into my entire codependent relationship with this one, but at the end of that relationship, I started feeling unsatisfied with the relationship, insecure with my own beliefs, and jealous of my boyfriend’s success. That’s right…JEALOUS of my boyfriend! I started resenting him because he didn’t do the same things for me.

Because being supportive and taking care of him was something that I prioritized first before myself for many years, my own baggage started spilling over–ultimately affecting our relationship and my self-esteem.

How To Apply to Your Life

OK, so you want to practice more self-care. Here are a few ways you can take care of yourself every day.

• Set aside time for yourself every day. Whether it’s 20 minutes or two hours, do what you gotta do. After I finish my work for the day, I find time to watch at least one of my favorite guilty pleasure Netflix shows every night before bed.
• Practice meditation. This can be as short as 1 minute a day. Simply clear your mind of all the day’s stresses and focus on even, deep, breaths. Doing something this small can make great strides in your stress-levels and help with mental health.
• Get your workout on. Doesn’t have to be the gym. You could go for a short walk around your house, eventually working up to around the block. You could schedule a weekly hike. I like to integrate weekly activities with different people, so I can maintain my friendships as well. In my own life, I go surfing every other Friday morning with my friend Jen, I go hiking every Sunday with my dog, I go to spin class after work with my coworkers, and I squeeze in the gym Tuesdays/Thursdays with my boyfriend after he gets out of class.
• Practice healthy habits. Whether it’s your nutrition, sleeping habits, or addictive habits, work towards treating your body like the temple it is. You can’t be there for your kids if you end up overdosing off alcohol or you’re taken down by a heart attack.
• Being financially responsible. Yeah…don’t be giving financial advice if you suck with money. Sure, your friend Suzy might be sad about her relationship and she NEEDS you to be there for her by going to the latest EDM festival with her. But if you can’t afford it, don’t spend the last of your own savings because you feel the need to be a good friend. What’s the point of joining her if you’re gonna be stressing about your lack of funds for yourself.

Final Take
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! If you don’t, that neglect might just manifest into something worse and bite you in the booty later on. If you take the time to really grow yourself, not only will you be happier for it and feel more secure about yourself in the long run, you might actually have that extra UMPH in you to take care of other people.

Handling Criticism With Grace

Whether you’re pursuing a career in entertainment or a career in finance, if you want to be great at anything, you need to learn how to handle criticism with grace. How else can you get better?

Working at my school’s Writing Center, I look at all the graduate and doctoral students I tutor, and I’m inspired by them. Not gonna lie, a lot of them are already really successful folks in their own right. Some of them own their own companies. Some of them are strong advocates for the underprivileged. Some of them are high up in the government.

But how did they get that way in the first place? Being successful I mean.

Well, first off, they are not afraid to admit they might need help. Obviously, they’re going to the Writing Center with their drafts, and they’re handling critique and feedback on ways they can improve. Many of these students, even if they’re already solid writers, want to become better.

They openly listen to comments without being defensive, they make their own judgments, and they change what they see fit. They’re not afraid of constructive criticism because it helps them be better, and sometimes you need another perspective to do that. This is called having thick skin.

I say this because so many people, including myself, are afraid and or hostile towards this kinda stuff. In my work as a writer, there are some writers who absolutely flip out when an editor has something to negative to say about their piece. Or if the editor comes back with some corrections, reactions would flare. As a result, these writers are let go because of their pride and defensiveness.

However, without acknowledging your own weaknesses and accepting help/advice from others, you fail to grow.

PS. You’re never too old to grow.

I dunno, that’s just what I’ve observed, and that’s just my two cents. As a writer, I’ve always held my tongue and looked at feedback as a way to improve. The editor may not even be right, but most likely, they know their brand more than I do. I’ve always responded to editors with a positive and “glad to be here” attitude because let’s face it–if I’m difficult to work with and lowkey hostile, they can easily replace me with someone more amenable.

I will end this off with a quote that is kind of related, but not really. Kind of.

“Open-minded people don’t care to be right, they only care to understand. There’s no right or wrong way. Everything’s about understanding.”

Make good decisions y’all!

The Perfect Man Method

For many years growing up, I would say things like “this is what I want in a guy…” or “my perfect guy needs to be this…” I was ultra-picky, specific, and entitled about what I wanted, but every time I thought I found someone who fit the bill, I’d end up feeling extra disappointed.

One day, I was feeling extra jaded and upset about my life and love, so I put together a list for my own reference. Creating this list was so I could stay focused on what I wanted in a man (priorities, amiright?).

“What I Want in a Perfect Man”

• A guy who volunteers or gives back to the community
• At least college or masters-level education
• Confident and assertive
• A guy who cares about his health and regularly works out
• Someone who understands the struggle of growing up disadvantaged
• Someone who is honest, kind, and communicative
• A guy who has swag and a sense of humor
• A guy who knows what he wants out of his career

I had decided that this was my dream guy, so now I gotta go out and find him, right?

No.

I looked at my list again and realized many, many things.

I Needed To Be More Realistic
First, how can I expect these qualities from a man when I don’t even hit all of these things myself? I volunteer once in awhile, I don’t regularly go to the gym, I haven’t even gone to grad school, I have poor sleep hygiene, I live off of chocolate, and I definitely don’t have a clear career path right now. Even if I did happen to find a man like the one above, I would feel awfully inadequate and extremely insecure in comparison. What have I done? As a result of these feelings, even if I played all my cards right, the relationship would never work out because of ME.

People Attract Like-Minded People
I spent a great deal of time staring at my list, and I thought to myself, “these qualities are really specific, is there a reason why I want this in a man?” Then it hit me, these were actually the goals I wanted for myself. I would absolutely LOVE to embody all of those qualities. After realizing that, I decided to take up a new mind-frame when it came to this “Perfect Man” list. If I ever wanted to meet a guy like this, I needed to work towards becoming my own Perfect Man first. After all, you attract who you are. If you feel insecure about yourself, secure men will smell that on you. However, a fellow insecure person might feel like they can relate to you. So that explains why I always attracted guys I didn’t really want.

Learn More About Yourself
So after having my little Eureka moment (yes, it’s little things like these that make my day), I started thinking about my past behavior in relationships. As a girlfriend, I was always supportive and oh, so kind. Unfortunately, it was to the point where I’d lose my own identity and lose focus on my goals. My boyfriend’s successes were my successes, and we all know that’s not true. Success is earned. I learned that I felt a sense of security through being with a successful guy, and whenever I felt like the relationship was wavering or if we encountered an obstacle, I was in a state of confusion.

To be honest, I was so sick of losing myself to my boyfriend. I needed to actually find out what I truly wanted to do/be, plan out a game plan, and freaking hustle to build my own life. Before, I never knew where to start. However, after putting together my Perfect Man list…I realized I had it all scribbled out in front of me. This Perfect Man List was the person I actually wanted to become.

Woah.

So I call this goal-setting technique “The Perfect Man Method.” It’s meant for all women, but especially those boy crazy women who want to be with the perfect guy but feel like they have also lost themselves in their current relationship or are constantly not feeling good enough when dating. That was a run-on sentence.

In the end, it wasn’t the guy who was my issue (well, sometimes, but that’s a story for another day), it was actually my own insecurities preventing me from having a healthy and strong relationship with the man of my dreams. Since then, I checked off a few of these goals — I started grad school, my career is starting to take off, I’m more confident in my own abilities, and I’m more zoned into my own goals. Overall, I am extremely content and happy with my life because I know I’m living it fully and on my own terms.

This Perfect Man List actually prompted me to hold off on rushing into a relationship at the time. After putting together that checklist, and coming to my many conclusions, I realized I was officially unavailable for dating because I was currently under construction.

Try it out, and let me know if this technique works for you, or if you think it’s complete bull. At the very least, you can work on your penmanship.

Have a lovely day!

Homegirl

Forgiving Others and Yourself in 6 Steps

So this is just the first part of a series I put together on the subject of forgiveness. It’s something that many people struggle with, no matter what age.  Simply my point of view on forgiving yourself, friends, family, and others people in your life — and how learning how to forgive can make you happier in the long run.

Lesson #1 – Forgiving Yourself

I’m not going to act like I know everything about forgiveness because I definitely don’t. I’m not going to pretend like I understand all types of pain that warrant or don’t warrant forgiveness either. However, I do know a bit about coping. I know about resilience. I know about growth. I know about strength. Everyone has their own experiences, but I really believe that if you want to be able to forgive others, you must be able to forgive yourself first. Of course, while forgiving yourself is important, you still want to own up to your actions and take responsibility. Don’t be a dick and blame others for your own poor decisions. Understand why you did what you did, make amends, put a plan in place for the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, make peace with it, and move forward with your life.

Here’s my recipe for forgiving yourself in outline form:

• Feel Your Feelings
• Take Responsibility
• Understand Why You Did What You Did
• Accept that Some People Won’t Forgive You
• Put a Future Plan in Place
• Make Peace With It

Whenever I had a disagreement with someone in the past, I would only see red. There was no room for empathy, just blame and resentment. Whenever I did something wrong (and I knew I was wrong), I’d go to the complete other end of the spectrum and wholeheartedly blame myself, sometimes burying myself in self-hate. There was no deep reflection, there was simply blame, anger, sadness, negativity, and a feeling of entitlement almost…and all of that was suffocating. It led me nowhere.

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FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.

I used to have an issue with cheating on my partners. In one relationship, the entire affair blew up in my face, and I was forced to tell my boyfriend at the time that I cheated on him. No surprise, but we broke up, and I felt…EVERYTHING. I felt remorse, sadness, guilt, anger, self-pity, and most of all, I felt shame. It was the first time in my life that I had to directly deal with the consequences of my actions. It was a reality check! It haunted me, and I think it was supposed to haunt me. The look on his face. The judgement and humiliation I felt from my friends. His friends. The overwhelming feeling of shame that kept me from talking about it for many years. The anger I felt towards him for telling my friends and family about how I cheated on him. The sadness and regret from losing someone important to me for something so fleeting. All that good stuff.

Make sure you feel all your feelings. Just feel, don’t act.

Many people will tell you that it’s not ok to feel angry, especially if it’s your fault. Some people might even say that you deserve to feel shitty. I’m telling you, feel whatever the fuck you want to feel for a few days, get that out of your system, and then start looking at the bigger picture. You fucked up, so stop making excuses, stop feeling bad and harping on it, what’s done is done. It’s time to pick yourself up.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

This was never the hard part for me. I’ve always been pretty good at owning up to my mistakes and taking responsibility for my actions.

I grew up in a strict Chinese household, where every “mistake” made was harshly punished. There was no room for cockiness, clap backs, excuses, smartass comments, or disobedience. If you lost your cool, you’d get hit — even if you showed remorse. Because you’re willing to “take your punishment,” it built character and humility. I’m not knocking on my Chinese heritage, but that mentality truly fucked with me growing up, especially going into adolescence and adulthood. It affected all my relationships and made me look at the concepts of right and wrong in an unhealthy and extreme, black-and-white kind of way. Ironically, it also made me look at things that were “morally wrong,” such as cheating, lying, or stealing, in a “well, if I don’t get caught, it’s fine” kind of way. Of course, when I got caught, I’d react the same way I did as a child…I’d cry, accept my punishment, blame myself, and never talk about it again. BLAH.

Anyways, I was so good at taking responsibility, I’d even start putting myself down. Blaming myself for everything, even on faults that weren’t mine.  This self-punishment helped me feel better. People react differently to each situation, but my method only took me so far. What’s the point in taking responsibility for my actions if I might just do it again in my next relationship? I needed to do something about it.

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.

Instead of pretending those weak moments never happened or drowning yourself in self-pity, you need to dig deep. Remember all those feelings you felt earlier? Look at each of those feelings, and try to understand why you felt that way. I could see why I felt remorse and shame, but why did I feel anger? Why did I cheat on my previous boyfriends before? Was I bored? Were they assholes? What brought me to that point in the first place? When did I start feeling differently about my boyfriend?

This self-exploration took a long time to figure out. In short, I was a very passive aggressive and nonconfrontational person. I was a coward. If a boyfriend didn’t treat me well, instead of communicating with him or breaking up with him, I’d cheat as my sort of secret “revenge.” Cheating is much easier than having to deal with a difficult and real conversation. However, after dealing with the fallout, I realized the consequences weren’t worth it. I needed to stop being a wuss and have that difficult conversation instead. Hurting someone by ending a relationship is a much better alternative to hurting someone by cheating on them. Having real talk means you’re being fair to yourself and to the other person, but doing so also takes a lot of balls.

People respect good ole’ integrity and balls. They don’t respect cheaters. That brings me to my next point.

ACCEPT THAT SOME PEOPLE WON’T FORGIVE YOU.

I lost a lot of friends during that time I went through that cheating fiasco. At first, I was sad and thought I deserved it, and maybe I did. Then, I was angry and held a grudge, telling myself that these people who don’t forgive me don’t deserve my friendship anyways. Eventually, I learned to let go of all the spiteful thoughts, and simply accept it. Some people might judge you for your transgressions for the rest of your life, and that’s perfectly fine. People have the right to their own opinions. Their decision to not forgive you may even be justified. In the end, you gotta let these things slide.

You cannot control the actions of other people, you can only control your own.

The point of forgiving yourself is that you do it, not others. At this point, you should already know in your heart that you will be a better person moving forward. That you will NEVER go backward, in fact, you’ll work on being better with every day. If other people can’t see that right now, that’s just the way it is. As long as you know that you’re going to change.

And how will you know that you won’t make the same mistake again?

PUT A FUTURE PLAN IN PLACE.

I’m going to emphasize this part. You need to follow through on your future promises or else you’ll find yourself repeating the same bad decisions over again. You already know how to put yourself in a bad situation, now, the plan is to avoid getting yourself in that situation ever again. In my case, I already knew I was never going to do that to someone again. But how did I get there in the first place? There was a point in my relationship when I started accepting friend requests, a guy would message me, and I’d flirt. That was the beginning of it – and that was the part I needed to stay alert about.

I put together a freaking mantra ya’ll. Seriously. I repeated to myself, “The next time I’m in a relationship, and it comes to the point where I find myself craving attention from someone else, it’s time to either communicate and try harder OR break up.” I made that promise to myself, and I’ve kept it ever since. There’s nothing worse than lying to yourself, so you must honestly commit to yourself first. Use your mistake as motivation to be stronger and better in the future.

Finally, MAKE PEACE WITH IT. 

I didn’t realize I was over my cheating shame until I started dating my current boyfriend. I told him I had cheated before, but that I had stopped forever (something like that). At first, he got mad, and did the whole “how will I know you won’t do that to me?” ma-jig. Understandable question, but I wasn’t that same person from before anymore. I knew who I was, and I knew all the hard work it took for me to get here. I also knew the role that cheating thing played in my life and how it’s shaped the person I am today.

I didn’t feel the need to defend myself, and I didn’t feel the need to explain the entire situation. I told him, that person was a different me. I paid my dues, put myself through hell already, and if he can’t get past judging me for who I was 10 years ago, then he can move along. I told him early on during our dating phase. It was a delicate conversation, but he let it go right away. He could see and hear my conviction when it involved my self-improvement, and best of all, he still trusted me because I was honest about it.

OVERALL,

If you actually want to follow through and become that best version of yourself, you’ll understand that change doesn’t just happen overnight. I’ve struggled with the concept of forgiveness for a long time. Whether it’s being forgiven or forgiving someone else, conquering the art of forgiveness is an essential step towards moving forward with your life, letting go of resentment and grudges, as well as pushing yourself towards growth and improvement. The whole ordeal can be frustrating and nerve-racking, but at the same time, it can also be strangely cathartic and empowering.

*Note: This post addresses “regular” life stresses and should not be applied to serious traumas. If you find yourself in a super traumatic situation and don’t know how to deal with it, I strongly suggest seeing a professional to help sort out your feelings.

*Second Note: I have no idea how to match images with captions, so some of them might not really make sense.

Take care,
Homegirl

What Attracts Men to Women the Most?

Oh god, where do I start? There are so so many things I could say about this question, but I’ll keep everything focused.

Men come in all shapes and sizes, and so do women. Some men are drawn to beauty, while others are drawn to brains, personality, talent, or humor. Then there are those guys who want all of those qualities in one. Standards for attraction are getting so hard-to-reach these days, no wonder many people feel so insecure about dating.

There are women who work out religiously or religiously get plastic surgery to make sure they’re in tip-top shape.

There are also women who are so adventurous, it seems as if they’ve done everything from skydiving to climbing Mt. Everest to spending time in a hippie commune in the middle of nowhere.

There are those women who are so incredibly alluring and mysterious you suspect they might be a spy or a Dominatrix (you never know).

Then there are the women who spend their lives in school, at work, at home behind a book.

So my question is…what quality about a woman attracts a man the most?

I was reading through my boring stats textbook on curvilinear relationships, and how oftentimes, researchers are interested in studying more than two groups to compare results. The book used an example that kinda popped out at me (read below):

In 2003, Strassberg and Holty conducted an experiment on Internet dating ads for women, and studied the effectiveness of four groups:

1. Generally positive women who liked hiking and painting (basic lady, control)
2. Slim and attractive (I’m guessing fit)
3. Sensual and passionate (skanky!!)
4. Financially able and independent

Want to know what the results were?

Financially able and independent won with 50% more responses than the next popular ad, which was Slim and attractive. I only skimmed through the study, so I’m still curious about the way they sold each group. But HEY. Now I know that if I ever wanted to do the whole online dating ma-jiggy, I should sell myself as financially able and independent! Apparently, men love that!

Women love that too! The same researchers did a follow-up study in 2015 that included men and women, and surprise surprise — women were attracted to successful and ambitious dudes the most.

So what does that mean for the different types of women I’ve listed above? It means that ALL OF THEM have an equal–maybe not equal because I have never tested this claim–but all types of women can attract dudes. As long as they’re financially able to provide for themselves and are ambitious.

With this whole #MeToo movement going on, it looks like #StrongWomen are a thing of the present and future now. At the end of the day, becoming a woman who is independent and can take care of herself is what every female should strive to be.

Read my other article on How to Attract Silent Attention for more information on the topic.

OK, back to studying.
Have a wonderful day everyone!

-HG

 

 

 

Baby You Should Go and Love Yourself

People from all walks of life — regardless of gender, racial background, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or whatever else — have struggled (or still struggle) with loving themselves in a balanced and healthy way. Some people, worried about self-image, overdo loving themselves and come off way too strong.  Then there are those people at the other end of the spectrum, who don’t love themselves enough — the ones who worry about everyone else before even considering their own well-being.

When people go too far with loving themselves, it reveals more about their own insecurities than anything. However, loving yourself too little almost always has to do with low self-esteem and co-dependency.

In this post, I’m gonna try to keep it real simple, and just clarify the difference between these three common terms that seem to really trip people up.

Self-Love
The best way I can explain this one is having respect for yourself, while still being able to put yourself in check. You know what I mean? Being confident in what you deserve without stepping on others. Self-love is when you take the time out of your day to make yourself happy. For example, dancing to your favorite jam in your panties in front of the mirror, giving yourself a spa-day, getting a mani-pedi, or watching a movie on your own.

There are several different facets of self-love, but I think there are two basic layers that stand out. The first is SELF-CARE, which is making sure your basic needs (hunger, sleep, hygiene, responsibilities) are all well met. The second is SELF-RESPECT, which is not succumbing yourself to anything below your worth.

I’m gonna be real about this, you may tell me that you’re the most confident, healthy, balanced, whatever kind of person, but if you’re drinking yourself to oblivion half the week and/or letting people walk all over you, you are (on some level) not content with who you are.

Narcissism
This is similar to self-love but at an extreme. Homie might love themselves a little too much. We all know someone who’s like this, right? That person who won’t stop snapping themselves, posting selfies on IG, constantly sharing what “I believe” and “I feel” and “I think” and “I would.” LOL, that sounds like me too, huh. Anyways, it’s the Narcissistic person who takes self-love to a whole new level. In these peoples’ minds, the world revolves around their perspective only. They are pigeon-holed in their own views and might lack the insight to know any better.

With narcissistic people, it’s more about vanity, which I guess you could say is insecurity. There’s no such thing as perfection, but narcissistic individuals believe that they are the closest to it. That you’re lucky enough to have them grace you with their presence.

When I used to work out every day, I developed a legit Victoria’s Secret bod. As a woman, I’m not too shabby looking either, so I definitely fit into that superficial mold at the time. I wouldn’t be shy about posting pictures of myself, checking myself out in the mirror, or claiming I was better looking than some models out there. Not only was this narcissistic…OVERCONFIDENT of me, but it was also a bit delusional. Yes, I looked good, but damn. I needed to take myself down a notch. Beauty is within the eye of the beholder, and even though I might have looked good outwardly, I needed to learn a thing or two about humility inside.

I’m not saying that models or people who take pictures for a living are all narcissistic. Some people are just doing their jobs. I’ve been with a male model before, and he would always say “it’s for work” to excuse his narcissistic behavior. No matter where we were, what we were doing, it was all about his pictures and his image and his opinions that mattered — even if it was at the expense of others. Don’t be like that. That dude was an asshole, and not just to me.

Selfishness
…And then there’s just plain selfish. Everyone’s been guilty of this sometime, but I guess the classic example is a rebellious teenager in full swing. I don’t fuck with teenagers man, they’re frickin’ crazy and they literally have nothing to lose. I’m so serious. 90% of the time if they kill someone, unless the murder is super fucked up, they’re not gonna be in prison their entire lives. Teenagers are easily influenced, and at the same time, so caught up in their own realities. It’s not their fault, they don’t have enough life experience to know any better. This aspect of being selfish is best described I guess…as a lack of regard.

Being SELFISH is in my opinion, worse than being narcissistic. On top of this person having little to no regard for others, it seems they only want to push forward their own agenda. It’s interesting, because you can be selfish, but also be insecure, overconfident, respectful, or whatever. Being selfish comes in all different shapes and sizes, but I guess as you age, it comes hand-in-hand with greed.

Anyways, all three terms, self-love, narcissism, and being selfish, are all ways love is expressed inwards. They all have different meanings, and it’s up to you to balance these qualities inside you. The clarifications I’ve provided above are all pretty common sense, speaking in very general terms, but I really feel like it’s important to note the differences. You’d be surprised how many people confuse the terms.

Ok bye, be good to yourself.

Homegirl

Being Stuck in the Past

There are so, so many reasons for people to get caught up living in their past. Doesn’t matter if it’s good times or bad times, at some point in a person’s life, they start lingering on things that have already happened. I’m definitely guilty of it. Thinking back on my teens/early-20s, I feel like I just squandered away all of that glowing potential I had…and for what? To pursue boys. My God, where were my priorities at?

Now? I’m the same girl, just older and I know a bit more. It would be unrealistic to say that I don’t reminisce about the past (sometimes it can be helpful sharing stories with others), but the difference between me-now and me-before is that I’ve learned to be more mindful about over-indulging this behavior.

What’s mindfulness? Simply put, it’s the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. This sounds pretty straightforward, but boy oh boy, it’s actually a pretty difficult habit to get into. Why is mindfulness important for me? So I can catch myself from becoming that annoying person who’s always talking about what happened before, and what I should have done, and what it was like during the good ole days.

There’s a saying I keep hearing. “Depression is always about the past, and anxiety is always about the future.” For the most part, I agree. Trying to re-live your glory days, or constantly talking about that ‘one who got away’ reveals a lot about the person you are at the moment. Your happiness is coming from the past, and at the moment, you’re not living in the present.

When I first noticed my obsession with the past, of course, I wanted to change it. I would talk about the worst times of my life, the struggles I’ve gone through, the accomplishments I made, and for what? It would make me feel good at first, but as the day went on, it would make me feel vulnerable and unfulfilled. I know my experience, but did I really have to share that with others? Sometimes, I’d even spill my past to complete strangers. It was ridiculous.

So I practiced mindfulness and stopped whenever I caught myself going into past-talk. I tried to focus on my present and aimed to become a more future-oriented individual. I would set all these goals for myself and worry about how much money it would take to get there, how much time I’d need to set aside to get there, and whether or not I was even good enough. My insecurities came pouring out. Unfortunately, it seemed I had an issue with the future as well.

My issue with making plans for the future was that I would skip the present, and that’s when my anxiety came. Fear of my future and what’s to come. Lack of control.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I ever really dealt with my anxiety. I guess I’m still a work in progress. However, after setting up all these ambitious goals for my future, I eventually began recognizing that in order to actually achieve these dreams for myself… I needed to put in hard work, without complaining about the past or being overly optimistic about the future. You know how to do that? By practicing control.

Yes, I was scared of my lack of control about the future, so I did what I could by controlling my present, learning from the mistakes I’ve made in the past, changing, and working on moving forward. I needed to accept change, little by little every day, and then eventually one day, I will be there living in my present. I needed to let go of the past. Accept that the past has shaped me into the person I am today, and move forward from that.

Many people forget that their present self is constantly subject to change based on whatever current experience comes their way. It’s up to you if you want to change for the better by living in the present, or don’t change at all, and stay stuck in your past. OK now, I’m just rambling. I feel like I was really close to getting to my point though.

The quote that I mentioned above was actually from the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu. The full saying is, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

There you go, people! Start living in the present and be at peace. How you get there is up to you.

-Homegirl