How to Attract Silent Attention

“Admire a woman who draws silent attention. She doesn’t need to make a spectacle of herself to the world. You notice her without realizing.”

I’m not sure who wrote that quote, but this one really hit home for me. This is what I strive to be as a woman (on top of a lot of things, of course).

When I was younger, I would say maybe early 20s, I knew I was pretty. I shed the extra weight I had in high school, my skin cleared up, and boys started asking me out. I reveled in this newfound attention.

At some point during those years, I became a drunken buffoon, super loud, super skanky, super braggy, and super thirsty for attention. I’ll save the embarrassing details. Yes, I would still attract men, but never the ones I wanted, always the ones I’d regret. It took me a long time to finally realize I didn’t need to work so hard on showing others I was happy and awesome. If I were truly happy and awesome, people would see it without my putting in so much effort.

I began focusing on other aspects of my life besides looking good or peacocking (Urban Dictionary defines peacocking as “dressing for attention like a peacock does to get a mate”). I also began working on controlling my drinking behavior (hey, you gotta learn to keep it together sometime). You can still be drunk and keeps it classy.


No more caking make-up all over my skin or drawing in panda eyes with my eyeliner, I went for a more natural look. Ok, by “natural” I mean getting eyelash extensions! Not only did this expensive hobby save time with makeup, I was also putting on less eyeliner. As for my cake face, on nonspecial days, I would forego the foundation, and let all my pimples hang… wishing to Sweet Baby Jesus that I wouldn’t run into a hot dude while walking my dog.

I continued working out for my health, and I took a step back and examined my wardrobe. See through shirts and Crop tops galore. Short shorts and tiny skirts. Yes, I was petite and fit, but was it really necessary for me to show that all off to others? Strangers? What did I have to prove? That I was attractive with great abs? So I began dressing “sexy” but “classy”. I would wear alluring clothes, but cover up all my naughty parts, letting guys run away with their own imagination.

I remember one night when I was approached by 10 different men (in a 3-hour time span), while I was vacationing in London. That was by far a personal record. You know what I was wearing? Head-to-toe all black. A sleeveless black shirt that revealed absolutely nothing underneath a black leather jacket, black skintight long pants, and black combat boots. I looked cool AF without showing any of my goodies.

I worked on my attitude and confidence as well. I used to think confidence was being able to say anything and everything to a guy, regardless of content. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud any woman with balls large enough to approach a dude they’re interested in, but I’m much more old-school these days. I prefer doing as little work as I can to get a guy, and they must approach me first. If they don’t, their loss. There are plenty of other fishies in the sea. If they do, that’s attractive AF to me. Blah, blah.

Lastly, I worked on my insecurity. For years, I’d openly admit that I was insecure about certain things.. my intelligence, my body, my boobs, my sense of humor, my job, etc. I wanted everyone to like me. How do you tackle a beast like insecurity?

My answer was creating goals for myself. If I truly feel like I’m not as intelligent as others, then I should either go back to school or take a class on a subject I’m interested in. Or I can read a good book or watch something educational. If I truly have issues with my body, then I should work out.  If I feel like I’m lacking a sense of humor, psh. As long as I’m funny to myself, I don’t care. Laughter (even alone) is great for fighting unhappiness.

And my job? Well, I really only went after jobs I wanted. During my free time, instead of spending all those nights out partying, I would research and hone my skills.

For boobies, I could accept that my breasts are kind of teeny, and dream about getting plastic surgery in the future when I can afford it (and after I’ve accomplished my other goals lol).

I’ve talked about my Perfect Man Method a few times already, but to reiterate, I basically use this method as a jumpoff point for my own life goals. I would imagine my perfect guy, someone way out of my league, super intimidating, and beyond my imagination. I would write down his specific qualities… active in sports, volunteers for the greater good, graduated college at least, tall and handsome, great with dogs, funny, blah. I would create my Perfect Man list, and at the end, cross off “PERFECT MAN” and change it to, how to become my perfect self.

If I managed to achieve all those qualities, when it comes time to meet this “perfect man”, I’d be his equal. There would be no insecurity because I’m there already.

Anyways, those are my thoughts about that quote above. Whenever I see a beautiful woman who’s hungry for attention, I cringe and shake my head. She doesn’t need to be that way and the only person she needs to prove anything to is herself.

PS. Don’t get me wrong. I still love dressing up, wearing skanky clothes, and being alluring and a sex kitten and stuff. I just reel in my behavior. No more falling over dudes, no more drinking til I’m sloppy, no more being an object for slimey men.


Qualities I Look for in the Perfect Man

With all my crazy stories about disappointing love and hook-ups that go nowhere, I think it’s pretty clear I needed to put together a list of qualities that I was looking for in the perfect guy.

In reality, this list was something that I wanted myself to emulate. After all, you are who you attract, right? If you’re insecure, negative, and an overall sucky person — chances are, you’re probably going to attract the same type of person.

Well.. that’s no help to anyone! It’s why I put together this damn list.

Confidence is sexy. While many people have their own insecurities, no woman wants a dude who is always down on himself. At the same time.. over-confidence and cockiness is also a problem. Personally, I’m not down with that.

Loyalty is another thing, and this goes both ways. I can’t expect loyalty from a man if I’m out and about fuckin’ around too. I’ve dated guys who seemed perfect, they had it all except loyalty. What good is a “perfect” guy when he’s messing with 5 other chicks?

Responsibility is sexy AF. Nothing is hotter than a guy who has his shit together. I mean, you don’t even need to have everything together, but don’t be lazy. Do what you say you’re going to do and have good follow through.

Independence is usually not a problem with guys. There are the guys who have been single for awhile, so they’re really good at being independent. But once the first whiff of a potential relationship turns their way, they get all clingy/needy and stuff. I personally prefer when a guy is able to maintain his own life while finding time for me as well. No one wants to be in that relationship where one or both partners lose themselves.

Stand-up guys are awesome. I’m not talking about comedy (though that helps too), but like… solid men. His friends and peers adore him, and you know you can always depend on him. He’s the dude who will always show up, and he will build you up when you’re feeling low.

Intelligence is a really big plus. I’m not Einstein, but I’d like to think I’m well-educated while being overall street-savvy. I need someone who can match me on both levels. Honestly, I find it difficult to find this balance in a guy. A guy who’s never graduated college could have oodles have street-smarts and have that “grit” you only get from living life. A dude with a diploma can talk about literature and numbers.. and there’s also an academic level of maturity. I don’t know. This one is hard to explain.

Fuckin’ swag man.  Seriously though, who doesn’t appreciate a man with some swagger? This comes in many different forms.. maybe he can dance, or he’s smooth AF, or he’s got those penetrating eyes that just disarm you. Not gonna lie, I’m a charming lady with lots of spunk, so you gotta match my skillz a bit.

Financially and emotionally stable guys are the way to go. My girls in TLC said it best.. ain’t nobody want no scrubs! If you don’t have enough money to pay for gas, HOW DA FUH are you able to survive bro? Ain’t no way I’m taking care of you. If I have to lend my man money, OH HAIIIILLLLLZ NO. Also, if you’re getting mad at me over every little opinion I have, trust I won’t be sticking around for long. I NEED A GUY WHO CAN HANDLE ME.

Have a good heart. My dad isn’t going to be winning any Dad of the Year awards soon, but when I visited him back in October (Related Post: Visiting My Dad in Prison), he gave me one piece of advice that I will always remember. When I’m looking for a guy.. be sure he’s good to others, good to me, and good to himself. Guys who are regularly kind and helpful to others are really sexy to me. Panty droppers.

There are other qualities too.. more minor. I also like them clean, fit/healthy, family-oriented, well-read, funny, handsome, direct, alpha males, protective, brave, decisive.. guys who are constantly pushing themselves towards success while maintaining humility.

My pattern though? I guess I kind of go for guys with the whole “started from the bottom” aspect about them. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of great guys who grew up privileged, and they still understand the value of kindness and hard work, but I just connect better with the guys who grew up with nothing. Who knows though.

So basically I’m looking for Mr. Unicorn. Whatever. I’ve worked hard throughout the years, and I’ve gone through certain experiences that have made me who I am today. If I can handle being most of these qualities, a dude can too.

Now I just need to weed through all these fuckboys..