Moving On the Healthy Way

Years ago, I wrote this post on this blog called Moving on the Unhealthy Way where I basically suggested dispersing your love and getting under someone else to get over someone. I mean…hey, it does work… but to an extent. It really depends on the person you’re sleeping with as well. I’ve thought about that quick-fix through the years, and what personally made me avoid doing that in the end was the fact that I was using this other person to make myself feel better.. so… that’s not very nice.

Side note: to go around that, be honest with the other person about your current feelings and intentions. Sometimes, they’re cool with it. *shrug*

I wrote that post at the time because it was the easy way. I had just separated from my toxic ex whom I was in love with, and I didn’t want to but I felt like needed to move on fast. Otherwise, I would have went back to him. I had just started therapy, so the coping methods I just learned about weren’t doing it for me. They were too slow, weren’t strong enough to get my mind off of him. Rebounding was the surefire way for me to escape from the initial pain of things.

But the unhealthy method is unhealthy for a reason. I wasn’t dealing with my emotions or putting in the mental work to move on. I mean. Maybe you’re a different type of homegirl and you’re just super self-aware like that, who knows. You’d be the exception!

Even though I already knew that rebounding and talking to as many guys as possible was a quick fix and bad for me (obviously, since I wrote the Unhealthy Way), it took me a minute to realize that in order for me to grow, I need to actually face these emotions head-on. And hey, maybe channel them into my own goals (I have clear goals now fyi). So.. years later, I’m gonna go ahead and add onto some of that old unhealthy shiz and write a Moving on the Healthy Way post. In the spirit of being healthy. New year, new me, right?

Let Yourself Mourn

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Photo by Rafael Barros on

Wallow girl, wallow. Ice cream, pizza, weed, music, romcoms… Get. Those. Feelings. Out. and FEEL THEM. I don’t really suggest drinking or depending on drugs. Alcohol or pills when you’re really in your feels can be dangerous. You can go from regular-dark to empty-dark real fast and who knows what shit will go down. It’s just a bad decision in my opinion. I know some people who have turned to substances to try to numb their pain, and at the end of the day, they only hurt themselves. Even after a year of taking substances to try to mute their feelings.. their mental health didn’t just disintegrate, they also isolated themselves from everyone and literally nothing in their life improved. Do yourself a favor and don’t do this to yourself. Also, I love you ladies, so be strong.

Clean Your Shit Up

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Photo by Burst on

Create a new space for yourself. Do some sprucing, toss out old things, do laundry, take a shower or a bubble bath, groom yourself, shave your vagina, drink a glass of water. Time to watch some Marie Kondo and clean up your life girl. Just clear out all the extra stuff and the baggage. According to Psychology Today, studies have shown that improving your cleanliness leads to better physical health, better focus, and even a better night’s sleep. I recently just ended things with this guy I was crazy about (he just wasn’t right for me), but after a night of wallowing and sleeping to forget him, I woke up and went on a cleaning frenzy the following day. Even though it didn’t do much in terms of moving on, at least I was able to wallow in a clean, clear, uncluttered living space.

When I’m feeling crappy on the inside, I also go out of my way to make myself look kickass and beautiful on the outside. That way I know I can still get it if I wanted to – but also, I’ve found that it slightly improves my mood. At the very least, I can get a good picture out of it.

Get Yourself Outside

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Photo by Megan Markham on

Fill your cloudiness with some actual sunshine. Even when I lived in the East Coast, I found some solace going outside.. even in the rain or snow. Especially in the snow. Now that I live on the West Coast, going out into the sun is super healing and it instantly lifts my mood. At the very least, it makes me feel independent. When I’m moving on from someone, I personally like taking a solo day to reflect. Whether it’s visiting a coffee shop, watching a movie in theater, hitting up the public library, reading at a park, going for a walk, hanging out with one or two good friends.. You name it. I know some people who go to the beach by themselves to do yoga or they go skating along some bike trail.. going for a hike. SO many darn things to do. If you’re going to be sad, be sad outside instead of inside a stuffy room.

Make a List

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First off, I love lists. Yes, sometimes I would make lists to complete tasks or when I’m packing before a flight or something. However, the right list to make here in this situation is a pro/con list. Then a goals list. Or a list of what you want in a perfect person for you. A list of tattoos you want to get. Places you want to go. Things you need to do to get your life in order. This kind of goes in the “clean up your life” category. For me, making a list helps me organize my crap and re-prioritize the things I need in my life. Making a list helps me regain back my focus.

Get Your Workout On

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Photo by Nathan Cowley on

Yup. Get that steam out of your system. I think of feelings like this cosmic ball of energy you have inside you, and when you’re feeling overloaded, you need to physically release that excess energy or else you’ll implode. I like pilates and dancing (twerking) by myself in my bedroom. Running, stairs, bleh. You get it. Also, when you’re working out, you’re making yourself more beautiful on the outside…you’re taking care of yourself… and who doesn’t like self-care? Even though your head might not be in the game right now because it’s clouded with feelings about this ex-person in your life, working out can help you create a new and improved version of you.

Do Something You Love

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Do you like drawing? Writing in your diary? Watching tv? Scootering? Competing in chess competitions? Whatever you love doing, do it. You might be feeling down and in a mood, but at least doing something you enjoy can give you the chance to alleviate some of that darkness you’re feeling. Even though it might be difficult to switch modes, try to think positive.

Don’t Look at Their Social Media

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Photo by Tracy Le Blanc on

I struggle with this one. After initially binging on their Instagram (going realll deep in there), I eventually tire out and stop checking. My personal problem is when I like someone, I tend to stalk them. To be fair though, a lot of women do this. Currently, I’ve been trying to avoid checking this guy’s Instagram activity.. but failing. I keep going to this girl’s page (my ex-guy constantly likes her overtly sexual photos…which is also annoying fuckboy behavior), and I check to see if he likes or comments on her photos. It has been 18 hours since her last post, and he’s still at it liking, liking, liking. Ugh.

Sometimes I’m so frustrated that I mute the guy. Muting their posts and story actually helps. You’re still their friend on social media, but you don’t get constant reminders whenever they’re around. Out of sight, out of mind. But let’s be real, they’ll still be on your mind sometimes. If you REALLY want to forget this person and delete them from your life, change their caller ID to say “SPAM RISK” or “Telemarketer” and you’ll literally never pick up their call ever again. That’s low-key Black Mirror shit right there.

Treat Yourself

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This is a special occasion. Yes, moving on can be terrible, but this is your rebirth into You 2.0 or 3.0 or 100.0. Take yourself out to a spa day, a massage. Go shopping and get those shoes you wanted for awhile. Get your nails did. Hair. Splurge on that restaurant you wanted to check out. Get yourself a fruit tart. Even better, a sugar daddy (ok, maaaybe this one isn’t for everyone lol). You’ll be surprised what a little TLC can do for your wellbeing. There are several reasons why treating yourself can be good for your mental health, some of which include increased dopamine, being self-compassionate, less depression, and more.

Spend Time With Family and Friends

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Photo by Helena Lopes on

I take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t think hanging out with my mother is a fantastic idea when I’m trying to move on from a dude. She can be unintentionally hypercritical and make me feel worse sometimes. I enjoy hanging out with my sister and my best childhood friends when I’m feeling down, happy, bored, hungry. I head towards them when I’m in this mood. They know me the best, and even if we end up doing nothing, at least I’m with something familiar, comfortable, safe, and secure. So when you’re feeling this way, surround yourself with people who love you. The only exception to this suggestion is if your love situation is like Romeo and Juliet (and it’s clearly true love), but you’re in warring families and you’re like 12 years old. Sorry, I guess I’m tired lol.

Don’t Do Anything Drastic

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Calm the fudge down. No need to quit your job (unless you have a better job lined up), don’t get a new pet, try a gang of new drugs, or do some crazy shit like steal a cop car. Try being as stable as possible when you’re getting over someone.. at least be stable financially and physically. Mentally, you’re probably a hot mess, but life’s just going to get harder if you add another hot mess unstable element to it. Take care of your body.. eat. Stay hydrated. Shower. Keep up good hygiene. Don’t completely neglect your health, that’s not gonna help anyone — especially you. You do not want to be that person who gets rushed to the ER because you fainted or you can’t walk anymore because you’re constipated from eating terribly. Think about those extra bills. This is already a transitional period for you — don’t make it harder on yourself. That’s just not smart and overall poor planning.

So that was 10 suggestions. I could go on. My next one would have been to try something new. I still fully suggest that. Obviously not something too crazy, but something interesting that would revitalize and distract you. Perhaps try surfing or boarding. Take a cooking class. Painting, art class. You just lost someone who had an important place in your heart, so there’s a painful void there. A new hobby won’t replace that void, but it’ll make the emptiness more bearable, and with time — you’ll be stronger, better than ever.

Moving on is not easy. I’ve been in and out of so many relationships that I’m practically a pro at it now, but even for someone like me who has a heart of thorns.. moving on is still something I struggle with. Sometimes, people just aren’t a good match for you, and that’s totally OK. The way I see it is this.. I can’t be the right person for everyone. The right person for me isn’t supposed to be easy to find. Another thing? I’m a believer in the right person finding me. When the time is right, when I’m at my full self, my dream guy will show up and I’ll be ready.

Okay that’s all!!! Work on those if you need. Please feel free to drop a comment or contact me if you have any questions or if you just want to show some love.


Moving on the Unhealthy Way

I tried to be healthy, I really did. I spent all my time with friends and family, in relative seclusion. I didn’t really go out or party too much, and I focused on my own shit, while helping out at home. Unfortunately, that approach was too slow for me. I like to get things done quickly with a bit of excitement. I did not want to waste any more time pining over an asshole. I hated being in that position.

Fast forward a month into my stay back home in Connecticut, I was doing my darndest to get over my ex. Blocking his number and email? Check. Deleting all of our pictures together? Check. Trying to forget about him? CHECK FOR SURE.

After my last therapy session, I decided that I was going to give our marriage another chance.. that I was going to see what . That night, I called him, and instead of being grateful that I was even giving him the time of day, he accused me of cheating on him. When I wasn’t. Here I was.. actually in a place to try again with him after he had been an utter shithead to me. Ugh.

I flipped my shit after our call. Being accused of things that you have not done SUCKS, especially when you’re trying your best. I was drug and alcohol free, and I was still being faithful even though our marriage was basically over. When you are going out of your way to give someone the benefit of the doubt, being honest, and trying your best.. it’s pretty damn demoralizing when they’re still trying to tear you down.

I hung up on him and decided that if he’s accusing me of being a cheater, being insecure and irrationally possessive/jealous.. it was time to move on.

Anyways, that was my final, last straw past no point of return. Forget giving us another change. You want to know how I moved on from my ex’s dicksand? Pretty crude, but I basically flirted my way out with a bunch of fuckboys.

For the first weekend, I completely ignored my ex’s emails. I had never even went a day without checking his emails before, but I did it that weekend. Here are some shady/thirsty rebound shit I did:

Downloaded Tinder, Home of the Fuckboys

Tinder was basically my first step to moving on.. I just wanted to find a hot guy to chat with online. I had no intentions to meet up because I was fucked up like that. I just wanted that ego boost to know I still got it. But DAYUM yo. After HOURS of swiping, swiping, swiping. NADA. No guys I was interested in. Hartford is small dude. I didn’t realize exactly how small it was until I started swiping through Tinder. I swiped past like… eight different guy friends in the area too. MY FRIENDS. *shivers*

After living in San Francisco, where the people are plentiful and beautiful, I forgot that the singles selection in Connecticut was whack AF. Not to be super shallow or anything (but yes, this is literally super shallow), these East Coast guys that I’d normally label as 6’s or 7’s were considered 8’s and 9’s here. The profile bios for these dudes would be like, “Graduated from Columbia/Harvard/MIT/attorney/doctor/researcher [insert important sounding occupation/prominent university here]”

Whereas in SF, there were so many 9s and 10s who would be like “Oh, I’m a model/actor/director/producer/musician/athlete/host blah [insert entertainment occupation here]” There’s really a huge difference in Tinder game between the coasts. From my experience, East Coast guys were nicer, more educated, not as pretty to look at, while the West Coast boys were hotter, dumber, and inundated with a bunch of basic bitches.

Opened Lines of Communication with a Guaranteed Fuckboy

This was my second step to moving on. I put a lot of my pent-up feelings and energy into chatting with Ronny (Related Post: Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married). I knew nothing long-term or serious was going to happen with him. Afterall, he was 3000 miles away with a girlfriend.

Sure, he was saying shit like “Oh, it takes time to break up with someone.” UH. Homey, you think I’m stupid? I’ve been around a number of fuckboys throughout the years, and come on, let’s be real here.. I’m in the middle of a marriage separation with annulment plans for the unforeseeable future. You think I want to jump into anything? Secondly, you think I actually believe that you’re going to leave your girl for me? I’m not about dat life, and I would not want a man like that anyways.

The way I saw things, I was using regular fuckboys to move on from King Fuckboy. That way, I didn’t feel much guilt when I would ultimately ghost on them. To be fair though, I did kind of develop a crush on Ronny. He was sweet, complimented me a lot, and it was clear he kind of cared about me and my situation. He could never actually “be there” for me since he was taken already, but I didn’t want him to do that anyways. I didn’t want a good guy right now. Not only that, but it would be best if good guys stayed away from me during this period. I had nothing positive to offer them.

Went on a Date with an Old Casual Hook-Up

For my my third moving-on step in this fucked up process, I decided to meet up with Keith (Related Post: Just Got Two Dates). I already knew from past experiences that I wasn’t going to get all emotionally attached to him, and I also knew that he was a low-key fuckboy slash friend. Not to mention, he lived in Connecticut too, and it would have never worked — especially since I fully planned on moving back to SF. Haillllzzz  nah to long distance. Eff that jazz.

Keith was a safe option for me because I had known him for years already — since our college days. Back then, I thought he was really cute and smart, but alas, he had a girlfriend at the time, so things got confusing between us. By the time they ended things, I had already moved out to SF, and got a couple boyfriends of my own. A couple years ago, we tried rekindling things, but then I decided he was too boring. Although he was definitely my type in school, it had already been five years, and tastes change.

Anyways, apologies for the boring ass backstory, but my point is — I trusted Keith enough to know that he wasn’t batshit crazy, and he wasn’t going to make me feel uncomfortable or pursue anything serious with me. However, he was good for cheering me up at the moment without pressuring me for anything.

There’s that ever-popular saying, “the only way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.” I wasn’t really in a rush to get under a bunch of dudes, so I stuck to flirting for a bit.

After following these three steps for a few weeks, BOOM. It worked. And just like that, I no longer obsessed over my ex. Sure, he was still a pain in my kaboose, but at least I could see more clearly now. I could see the way he tried manipulating me, and I could also see him from a more objective point of view — but to be honest, would it ever be completely objective?

(Check out my first post here: Moving Back Home)