To My Fellow Queens Wrapping Up 2019

I’ve been in a mood lately. Perhaps it’s the holiday blues, perhaps it’s because I’ve been working non-stop. One day I’m a bit down and I hate boys, another day I’m like today is amazing and I (still) hate boys. Lol. I’m starting to suspect I low-key have a mood disorder.

But yeah, it could just be the holidays.

Holidays are a time when people (should) want to be together. Some people like being alone and with their immediate loved ones or maybe just their partner. I’m a little in between where I like to hit up maybe one or two house parties, and then go back and cuddle with a significant other, smoke a little weed, binge watch a show I really like.

Some years I have a boyfriend while other years I’m alone.

I haven’t really shared my personal life on this blog since maybe last year, but in 2019, I went through some ups-and-downs. Overall? *drumroll* I think I lived my best life this year. I amicably ended a two-year relationship, I got my Masters, I moved into my friend’s conveniently located (and beautiful) townhouse, got a job straight out of school, and transitioned my way back into the adult world .. out of student life.

What About The JUICY STUFF?

In typical Homegirl fashion, I jumped straight back into dating. Except this time around, I wanted to do it on my terms. I wanted a guy to hit all my checkboxes, no exceptions this time. If he didn’t fit it, then I’m patient and I can wait. At the same time, I was also seeing multiple guys, being open about seeing multiple guys to guys I was seeing (I know), and telling these dudes that I didn’t want a relationship.

I mean, this is all true. I shouldn’t be jumping into another relationship so quickly. There’s so much I need to work on with myself. Like, c’mon give me maybe 5 more years, then I’ll be ready to settle down and nest. The problem is — at my core, I’m a relationship kind of girl.

Yeah… still trying to figure out what I want from men as I build my career.

There are several high-quality men I’m chatting with at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the Masters degree or that my money situation is a lot better these days, but the kind of guys I date now are guys I could only dream of dating when I was 21.

At 21, I was still going out with fuckboys. I loveeeed loser fuckboys with no job. And if they sold drugs or were in prison? Even better lol. I was certified insane when I was 21.

These days, I’m talking to doctors, business owners, CEOs, tech geniuses, ahh.. and models and IG personalities etc etc. And the kicker? They’re all hot. ALL OF THEM. Ripped hotties who want to take me out to proper dinners. WHO AM I? I don’t know.

What Changed?

Over the past few years, my personality hadn’t really changed much, but my mindset and self-respect definitely did. At the most basic level.. I respect myself, my time, and my mental space.

Respecting myself as in.. I don’t care who you are.. no matter how rich you are, how high your status is, how old you are — treat me like a human who is neither greater than or less than you. Equal. I was raised to be polite with manners, and I come from a culture that traditionally values submissive women, but if someone is being rude and talking down to me (especially a date who might make more or is older.. whatever), I don’t need to waste my time. There are plenty of other guys who are just as rich, handsome, confident, and successful as you who WON’T talk down to me. And those are the men that I want.

Respecting my time as in.. I’m a busy girl. Seriously, I am. I also really enjoy my allotted alone time every week. I work out, I love self-care, and I have my army of protective girlfriends and my sister to pay attention to. Guys ask me out regularly, so why would I go out of my way to pursue a dude who won’t text me to confirm a previously discussed time, or won’t give me details for where they’d like to take me out for a date? I would much rather be working out, at a steam room, getting my nails done (hair done, face done, legs and vagina done lol), writing, reading, partying, working……. SO MANY THINGS I’D RATHER DO than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t even have the respect to get back to me in a timely manner. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Guys who do that, especially in the beginning, are the kind of guys who will only get worse the more you accept that kind of behavior from them. Don’t have time for those kinds of dudes – that’s why they still single as hell.

Lastly, when I say respecting my mental space, and this is very important, I mean this. We all have a certain capacity for how much we can fit into our mental space every day before becoming exhausted, tired, fatigued. Whether it’s a friend or a relationship, if that person is sucking the life out of you to the point where you have no more mental energy to focus on bettering yourself or what’s truly important to you.. Let. *clap* That. *clap* Person. *clap* Go. Forreal. Whether it’s a friend or a guy who is bringing drama to your life, pointing out things about you that seem like criticism, or just pulling you into a state of anxiety and uncertainty… YEAHhhhhhh fuck that (not literally). Let them go.

And that’s all. Ever since I’ve adapted that kind of mentality, the quality of men I’ve been seeing have shot up. These men aren’t clingy, they’re equally busy, they have their share of female options as well, and did I mention….THEY’RE HOT?!

But here I am, all in my holiday feels, even though I am talking to several people. At the end of the day, I’m a relationship kind of girl… who thinks like a noncommittal single guy.. who craves companionship.. but also wants to be alone. Clearly, I’m still trying to figure out what I want for myself. I’m not as confused as I was earlier this year, but I’m also not like… I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF WHEN I WANT like a Type A weirdo. Ok maybe a bit.

Just going with the flow these days. I finally started getting the hang of my stressful but *hit the ground running* job, so I have more time to commit to myself and my passion projects. As I typed this blog entry up, I messaged my close girlfriends to kickstart our upcoming pop-psychology podcast we wanted to start – discussing our highs and woes of sex, life, love, and modern dating. We’re gonna drink some wine, talk psych, and hang out cause we’re all homegirls. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the catch-up! I swear, more posts to come.

Love you Queens,

Homegirl

Qualities I Look for in the Perfect Man

With all my crazy stories about disappointing love and hook-ups that go nowhere, I think it’s pretty clear I needed to put together a list of qualities that I was looking for in the perfect guy.

In reality, this list was something that I wanted myself to emulate. After all, you are who you attract, right? If you’re insecure, negative, and an overall sucky person — chances are, you’re probably going to attract the same type of person.

Well.. that’s no help to anyone! It’s why I put together this damn list.

Confidence is sexy. While many people have their own insecurities, no woman wants a dude who is always down on himself. At the same time.. over-confidence and cockiness is also a problem. Personally, I’m not down with that.

Loyalty is another thing, and this goes both ways. I can’t expect loyalty from a man if I’m out and about fuckin’ around too. I’ve dated guys who seemed perfect, they had it all except loyalty. What good is a “perfect” guy when he’s messing with 5 other chicks?

Responsibility is sexy AF. Nothing is hotter than a guy who has his shit together. I mean, you don’t even need to have everything together, but don’t be lazy. Do what you say you’re going to do and have good follow through.

Independence is usually not a problem with guys. There are the guys who have been single for awhile, so they’re really good at being independent. But once the first whiff of a potential relationship turns their way, they get all clingy/needy and stuff. I personally prefer when a guy is able to maintain his own life while finding time for me as well. No one wants to be in that relationship where one or both partners lose themselves.

Stand-up guys are awesome. I’m not talking about comedy (though that helps too), but like… solid men. His friends and peers adore him, and you know you can always depend on him. He’s the dude who will always show up, and he will build you up when you’re feeling low.

Intelligence is a really big plus. I’m not Einstein, but I’d like to think I’m well-educated while being overall street-savvy. I need someone who can match me on both levels. Honestly, I find it difficult to find this balance in a guy. A guy who’s never graduated college could have oodles have street-smarts and have that “grit” you only get from living life. A dude with a diploma can talk about literature and numbers.. and there’s also an academic level of maturity. I don’t know. This one is hard to explain.

Fuckin’ swag man.  Seriously though, who doesn’t appreciate a man with some swagger? This comes in many different forms.. maybe he can dance, or he’s smooth AF, or he’s got those penetrating eyes that just disarm you. Not gonna lie, I’m a charming lady with lots of spunk, so you gotta match my skillz a bit.

Financially and emotionally stable guys are the way to go. My girls in TLC said it best.. ain’t nobody want no scrubs! If you don’t have enough money to pay for gas, HOW DA FUH are you able to survive bro? Ain’t no way I’m taking care of you. If I have to lend my man money, OH HAIIIILLLLLZ NO. Also, if you’re getting mad at me over every little opinion I have, trust I won’t be sticking around for long. I NEED A GUY WHO CAN HANDLE ME.

Have a good heart. My dad isn’t going to be winning any Dad of the Year awards soon, but when I visited him back in October (Related Post: Visiting My Dad in Prison), he gave me one piece of advice that I will always remember. When I’m looking for a guy.. be sure he’s good to others, good to me, and good to himself. Guys who are regularly kind and helpful to others are really sexy to me. Panty droppers.

There are other qualities too.. more minor. I also like them clean, fit/healthy, family-oriented, well-read, funny, handsome, direct, alpha males, protective, brave, decisive.. guys who are constantly pushing themselves towards success while maintaining humility.

My pattern though? I guess I kind of go for guys with the whole “started from the bottom” aspect about them. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of great guys who grew up privileged, and they still understand the value of kindness and hard work, but I just connect better with the guys who grew up with nothing. Who knows though.

So basically I’m looking for Mr. Unicorn. Whatever. I’ve worked hard throughout the years, and I’ve gone through certain experiences that have made me who I am today. If I can handle being most of these qualities, a dude can too.

Now I just need to weed through all these fuckboys..

Out With the Old, In With the New

I’ve always been a relationship girl. It’s kind of a huge issue. For the past decade, I’ve been in back-to-back long-term relationships. Most of them were good but boring, while a few were straight up toxic love kind of romances. I had about one or two well-balanced relationships where we could have gotten married, but I dipped when things started to stagnate. Since my freshman year college, the longest I’ve been single was for 3 months.

It’s almost like it’s impossible for me to be truly alone. Anyone who knows we well enough knows this all too well. With that being said, no one was really surprised that by the time I moved back to SF after being “single” for a month and a half, I was already talking to two dudes.

One dude was Officer Cheddar, and the other dude was Ronny. For the past couple weeks, I had already been chatting with Ronny almost everyday. He kept saying things like how we should meet up now that I’m finally back in town. Honestly, I wanted to because I liked him.. but for more obvious reasons, I mostly didn’t want to. I mentioned this several times already, but dude has a girlfriend. I don’t ever take these kind of guys seriously because a) grow a pair of balls and either fix your relationship or break up, and b) if he can do it to her, he can do it to another girl.

During this point in my “healing process” (Related Post: Moving on the Unhealthy Way), I was a big fan of “dispersing my love.” This is a technique that emotionally unavailable people do while they’re dating to guard their heart. If you put all your love into one person, you’re bound to get your heart broken. However, if you put a little bit of love into multiple people, the pain of heartbreak and rejection isn’t so bad.

So here I was.. dispersing my love between two guys. After texting Officer Cheddar back, we ended up chatting throughout the day. Our conversation started off innocently enough, but I think we were both in a place where we weren’t looking for anything serious at all. Not only was Officer Cheddar in the middle of a divorce, he also had two kids. Ahem. I’ve never dated a cop, a divorcee, or a father. I was in unfamiliar territory here.

The fascination of possibly going on a date with a cop kept me occupied for most of the night. I was so obsessed that I spent an embarrassing amount of hours Googling shit like, “What is it like to date a cop?” or “Dating a divorced father of two” or “Personality of a police officer” or “Are police officers jerks to date?” or “Sex with a cop.” If you were to look that shit up on Google right now, trust me when I say that I’ve read through all the top search articles. The thirst was real.

Officer Cheddar was a bold and direct guy though. He asked if I had a problem with tattoos, and I said nope. Shortly after this exchange, I found out he was almost completely tatted. Yummy. Tattoos on both arms, his chest, back, leg. Woof! This was gonna be fun. Perhaps I was caught up in the haze or missing attention, but it consumed me for a few days. I didn’t want to do anything! All I wanted to do was flirt with cop guy all the time. We planned a date for two nights later. Cheddar said he was going to handle everything and get reservations — all I had to do was to look beautiful, relax, and bring myself. I liked that. A man who could step up and not have me worry.

I was honest with Ronny and told him that Cop guy asked me out. Ronny’s jealous monster personality reared its ugly head after that, which was annoying. It was alright that he got jealous.. I mean, it’s a normal reaction if you like someone, and they start showing interest in someone else. What was NOT normal was when Ronny started saying things like, “Promise me you won’t sleep with him before you see me” or “Are you seriously already going to bang this dude this fast?”

First of all. Cut the crap. You have a girlfriend, and you have no claim over me, what I choose to do with my body, or how I handle my life. I’ve been in a fucking controlling and unhealthy relationship and shitty three-month marriage with the ultimate fuck boy already. There’s no way I was going anywhere near that territory ever again. I was having fun, so let me have fun if you really “care”. What was his story? Am I to assume that Ronny wasn’t having sex with his girlfriend? Geez. He was beginning to irritate me.

Even though he was “there” for me during my struggle times the past couple weeks by giving me some valuable life advice, he still had NO RIGHT to tell me what to do just because he felt like he needed to see me first. Hypocrite. He sure as hell better not judge me or ANY OTHER WOMEN for who they choose to have sex with. I can’t deal with these misogynistic men.

Meanwhile, I was actually starting to get pretty attached to Cop guy when in fact, I barely even knew him. There were a few reasons.. a) I liked the novelty of flirting with a cop, b) I liked that he was an alpha male while still being a gentleman, c) he was helping me handle my police escort case with my ex (Related Post: The Story of My Toxic Husband), and d) believe it or not, I was attracted to him because he was divorced.

One thing about being in a state of limbo with my ex was that I didn’t really know what term to identify myself with. I was technically not single. Technically not married either. I guess separated, but not legally. I was ashamed of my relationship with him, and Officer Cheddar was the only guy who knew about my divorce process and understood the struggle.

I think I’m going to try to cut Ronny loose though. I ain’t got time to deal with petty arguments and drama from grown ass men anymore. It was time for me to listen to Officer Cheddar’s advice.. “look beautiful, relax, loosen up a little.”

Blah, blah, blah. That’s all for now.

Moving Back to SF and Jump-starting My Car

After a couple months of living with my family back in *hometown, I felt like I was finally ready to move back to San Francisco. After all, I needed to move out of my old apartment with my ex, and I also needed to be in the city to look for a full-time job. I was finally in a place where I felt emotionally strong enough to face my ex (Related Post: Moving on the Unhealthy Way), and I was ready to build myself up again.

When I moved back to SF, I immediately met up with one of my best friends Josie, and caught her up on all my boy drama. I was excited to share my interest in Ronny (Related Post: Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married), and she shared her guy troubles as well. We went on a mission to retrieve my car, which was parked in my apartment’s garage. We were supposed to *quickly* retrieve my car, so I would be able to drive myself around.

However, when we got there.. I noticed the driver’s door was slightly ajar, and my coin bag along with some petty cash — stolen. As added icing to this terrible cake, my car’s battery was also dead. Completely dead.

Me and Josie freaked out. The whole point of this whole drop off was so I could grab my car and skedaddle the fudge out of my garage before my ex showed up. To this day, I have no idea what the full story was behind my car. My ex has a history of picking locks and breaking into places. Did he break in and purposely kill the battery so that I had no where to go? Was I in such a state of emotional turmoil before I moved back home that I left the doors unlocked? Anyways, there was no time to wonder. We needed to fix this problem and get out of there.

I texted Ronny  to see what I could do. No use. He was trying to help, but how can a guy with a girlfriend have time to help me anyways? Was he supposed to come meet me? Nope. Not possible. Word of advice? Don’t get involved with dudes with girlfriends.

Me and Josie were racking our heads trying to figure out how to do this. The person who really saved the day was my sister. She sent me a YouTube video on “How to open the manual release of my car” and it was such a lifesaver! I learned that even though my car battery was completely dead, I could still manually put the car into neutral, and pop the release out with something knife-like. Once that happened, I could push the car out so that Josie could jump my battery. Oh yeah, did I mention that Josie keeps jump cables in her car? Pretty damn awesome.

Since we didn’t have anything that resembled a knife, we decided to improvise and use the back of an earring (props to being girls!!!!) I jiggled open the release, and we did it! Take THAT dead battery. After successfully jumping my car (after a few hours), I went back to another friend’s place to get some rest.

 

 

Even though the day didn’t turn out as planned, I felt one step closer to fixing my life.

This was my checklist:

• Get car, replace battery
• File a police report at the station
• Request a police escort to get things from apartment
• Move everything out of old apartment into new place
• Figure out a plan for rescuing my dog from ex
• Figure out a plan for getting a marriage annulment
• End contract with immigration lawyer for ex’s greencard
• Get a full-time job
• Change health insurance

OK, so I didn’t really do ANYTHING on this list except for “Get car” but I still felt better. I felt a sense of accomplishment for being able to jump-start and push my car without the help of a man. I was tired of being the damsel in distress–that shit was not for me.

There are clearly so many things in my life that I could stress over, but I wanted to focus on the positives. I was so lucky to have Josie and my sister helping me. I was thankful to my other girlfriend for letting me stay on her couch for a couple weeks. I was grateful that another friend of mine let me take over her bedroom since she was moving out. I can pretend that I’m so independent and I don’t need anyone, but that’s not true. At the end of the day, all I needed were my friends and family. Although my car needed some hardcore maintenance done to it, I could still make it work. It was still operable.

In other news, I checked my email, and I had an interview for a pretty big online company. Fingers crossed on that one!

First Time Using Tinder as a Hook-Up App

That’s right, Tinder. The Craigslist of dating apps. Oh, and I actually used it as a hook-up app. That was one of the steps from my last post on Moving on the Unhealthy Way, and I planned on following through with it!

I had kind of half-hooked up with Keith (Related Post: My Long Term Casual Hook-Up), but I was trying to get laid. After being separated from my ex and fighting for the past couple months, I was starting to feel the thirst.

What?! Women have needs too. This is what happens when I don’t have a vibrator, and I’m living at home!

Anyways, after a couple weeks of swiping through the uglies and weirdos on Tinder, I finally matched with a guy I thought was sexy as hell. From his pictures, he was cute, lean, 6’0″, heavily tatted. His name was Dan, but I’m just going to call him Tinder guy. We chatted, and it was actually the first time I felt like I connected to one of these online dudes (on a very shallow level). Of course, I wasn’t looking for anything serious with him, but I wanted to at least get along with him.

The conversation started off friendly enough, but then it turned sexual.. which was what I was going for. This was my sexual adventure! I asked him what his shoe size was, and he said 13, and so I put his contact on my phone as “Dan Size 13”. Since we had good chemistry, we decided to meet before I moved back to SF. By “meet” I mean, him coming to my place to pick me up so I could stay over at his place. Something like that.

After reading all these horror stories about Tinder, I decided to take some precautions. I wasn’t planning on getting kidnapped or killed, so I told my overprotective little sister about my conversations with him. Well.. she kind of found out when she saw me texting on my phone. She looked over when she saw me smirking and read the contact name. “WHAT THE FUCK, WHY IS HIS NAME ‘DAN SIZE 13’? GROSS!!!!” Lol.

When he arrived, my beautiful and lovely little sister followed me out of our apartment in her sweats. She goes up to Tinder guy’s window and says, “I took a picture of your license plate and inspection sticker, so if anything happens to my sister, I’m watching you.” It was really sweet that she did that, but homeboy was also blasting Michael Buble from his car. He was NOT going to do anything to me.

I was actually pretty nervous meeting him since we had been chatting online and through text for a couple days already. I told him that I wanted “the boyfriend experience” hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I realize how weird that is right now, but whatever. I did not give a fuck.

He actually made my first and only Tinder experience pretty nice. I think we would have been good friends in another life. We were supposed to go to a bar or restaurant to grab some beer or something to drink/eat, but it was getting late so I just suggested his place and delivery. Keeps it simple bro. We hung out with his roommate, watched some TV, went upstairs to his room to watch some Netflix, and he gave me a toothbrush because I didn’t have one. Tinder guy was seriously a gentleman outside, but once the doors closed, he ended up being a beast in bed. BEAST. The only bad thing was that there was no kissing.. and I really love my cuddles and kissing. It was purely sex, and I got what I needed and had a good time.

The next morning, Tinder guy even made me coffee, and we watched Forrest Gump before he drove me back. I ended up coming back home with some delicious leftover buffalo wings and a new toothbrush! Is this how Tinder usually works?! Hmm.

To this day, Tinder guy still checks in on me (even though I live 3000 miles away).

All in all, I’m describing this as if this was really “good” treatment. It’s not. If you’re looking for something healthy, definitely don’t follow my example. I’m the wrong person for that. A real stand-up guy would not discuss sex until way later on, they would go out of their way to treat you with respect, and they would be honest, patient and kind. Quality guys want to get to know you as a person, while sharing things about themselves too. From life experience.. these guys are not on Tinder. These male unicorns are self-assured, confident, and don’t need to be on Tinder. I’ll save that topic for another post.

So if you’re looking for love, don’t go on fucking Tinder. Even if you match with someone, it doesn’t matter if you’re actually an amazing person, they’re going to have a different perception of you. Well, I don’t know — I’m sure there are exceptions. But personally, I wasn’t looking to impress anyone really. I knew what I was getting into when I started trolling Tinder for sex. I was looking for something exciting, which in my book meant being shady AF with a stranger.

By the way, I’m not trying to hate on anyone using Tinder. Practically all my friends are on it, and I just shared this ratchet story of mine. It was a fun experience, just not the first place I’d go if I was looking for love.

(If you want to read more, check out my first post: Moving Back Home)

My Long Term Casual Hook-Up

I’m going to talk about a long-time hook up of mine, Keith. I’ve been chatting with him regularly again ever since I moved back home, and it’s been interesting. We have the type of relationship where we are friends, we can talk about anything, we find each other somewhat attractive, and we are honest with each other. But there is absolutely zero romantic chemistry or future between us.

There are only a handful of guys in my life who have stuck around and maintained contact with me throughout the years, and Keith was one of them. It’s interesting to see how our relationship has changed (is still changing) over the past 7 years. Damn it’s been awhile.

In my last post, I talked about Moving on the Unhealthy Way. One of my strategies included hanging out with an old hook up. I didn’t go looking for Keith, he just happened to be free, and I decided to hang out with him when he asked. I needed a distraction from my mess of life.

For years already, Keith and I have had awkward sexual encounters. I’m talking awkward AF. They’ve always been terrible. We first met in college when I went out with a bunch of friends to celebrate a birthday. Keith was the manager at that particular bar back then, and we ended up chatting at my table while my buddies were busy alcohol poisoning the birthday boy. We didn’t really hit it off, but I thought he was cute so we became Facebook friends. Since I was in the middle of moving apartments, I sent out a story blast the next day, “Any strong men willing to help me move? I’ll buy you lunch.” Not sure if Keith had other intentions (let’s be real now, he probably did), but he volunteered to help. Yay, strong men. Anyways, he spent the whole weekend helping me move my shit, and I guess the sexual tension between us was so impalpable that we ended up hooking up. Kind of.

The first time we hooked up, we were both sexually frustrated 21-year-olds who were going out with other people. He was with a girl he had been dating for 4 years, and I was in a new relationship with a playboy. Yes, it’s already been established that I have questionable morals. Anyways, even though we were both trying to control ourselves, we actually ended up in awkward half sex. Basically, we started kind of making out…not even.. more like lips hovering near each other’s faces.. Hmm. I guess it was more like intense touching and lips brushing, while our pants came off and his penis went inside.. ONE STROKE. Then we both snapped to our senses, we immediately stopped, and he rushed back home to his girlfriend. End of story one.

Our second encounter was over a year later, after I had already moved across the country. I was newly single this time, and so was he. The timing was right, so we tried giving it a shot and started flirting again. Kind of. He wasn’t very good at it. Anyways, we chatted for a few weeks up until I went back home to visit my family for a few days. I decided to stay the night at Keith’s since we wanted to actually hook up this time. We didn’t have any boyfriends or girlfriends making us feel bad. It was cold and snowing in Connecticut at the time, and we walked to the gas station to buy condoms.

Homeboy had amazing foresight and only bought one condom (sarcasm). When we got back to his place, I realized he had a cat. Dun, dun, dun. I’m very allergic to cats. Long story short.. he didn’t last that long, and it was too cold to go out to buy more condoms, so I just laid there.. in frustration.. AND THEN THE CAT ALLERGIES KICKED IN and I turned into a sniveling mess. Luckily I had some Benedryl, so I could sleep that night, blue tubes and all.

The next morning, we both woke up at fucking 6AM because…dun dun dun. The building next door was literally ON FIRE. That shit was burning down. I remember running down the stairs, past Keith’s hallway window that caught a bit of the flame. What?! We ended up standing on the sidewalk in front of his house while the fire trucks came. At least he held me to keep me warm. I guess that was cool. But bizarre as fuck. Sign from God that we just weren’t meant to be.

We met a few times a couple years afterwards as friends. We didn’t do anything because I was seeing someone, and he was too.

But recently was our third time meeting as singles (I was already single in my head since my ex and I had broken up terribly). It was supposed to be a quick friends writing session and some bubble tea, but my self control went out the window, and I went back to his place. I tried inviting my sister, but she was like, “Oh HAILLLL no. Sounds awkward AF. See you at home.” I have a great sister.

Keith ordered some Chinese food, I said hello to his dog (cat was gone), and we watched old episodes of Friends. It wasn’t until we started playing a new show on Netflix when we moved things over to the bed. He didn’t pressure me at all, since we’re friends and all.. but I guess I missed being held. Things escalated, and we ended up hooking up. Kind of. No condoms and we didn’t plan on it!

Funny story though, I mentioned something about a vibrator as a joke, and he suggested using his electric toothbrush. Little did I know.. he was serious. I was shouting, “GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!” But I let him try it anyways.. and I’m ashamed to say that it was the most intense and orgasmic 20 minutes of my life. It was so fucking weird though because I wasn’t even turned on by him. It felt really clinical. I don’t know man, but it was time for me to skedaddle. I was not trying to stay over.

As we were leaving, I asked Keith, “Is it true that guys can be intimate with someone and not get attached emotionally?” He answered yes. Then I hit him with, “OK. Do that with me.” I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings. But seriously. Something had snapped in me. I felt a bit of guilt because I was technically still married. Even though it was a shitty, abusive, manipulative marriage, it was still a marriage. At the same time, I also felt liberated. Like I couldn’t go back now.

There was hope for me to move on. Just not with Keith, because he was my friend. The PERFECT friends with benefits. We cared about each other with no emotional attachment. We did what we had to do to get each other off. Friends do that for each other. Where’s my crying face laughing emoji?

When I got back to my apartment, I felt a little bit of sadness, but the moment was fleeting. For the first time since I moved back home from San Francisco though, I didn’t bother to check my spam messages, and I slept fucking well that night. Zzzzzzzz.

Moving on the Unhealthy Way

I tried to be healthy, I really did. I spent all my time with friends and family, in relative seclusion. I didn’t really go out or party too much, and I focused on my own shit, while helping out at home. Unfortunately, that approach was too slow for me. I like to get things done quickly with a bit of excitement. I did not want to waste any more time pining over an asshole. I hated being in that position.

Fast forward a month into my stay back home in Connecticut, I was doing my darndest to get over my ex. Blocking his number and email? Check. Deleting all of our pictures together? Check. Trying to forget about him? CHECK FOR SURE.

After my last therapy session, I decided that I was going to give our marriage another chance.. that I was going to see what . That night, I called him, and instead of being grateful that I was even giving him the time of day, he accused me of cheating on him. When I wasn’t. Here I was.. actually in a place to try again with him after he had been an utter shithead to me. Ugh.

I flipped my shit after our call. Being accused of things that you have not done SUCKS, especially when you’re trying your best. I was drug and alcohol free, and I was still being faithful even though our marriage was basically over. When you are going out of your way to give someone the benefit of the doubt, being honest, and trying your best.. it’s pretty damn demoralizing when they’re still trying to tear you down.

I hung up on him and decided that if he’s accusing me of being a cheater, being insecure and irrationally possessive/jealous.. it was time to move on.

Anyways, that was my final, last straw past no point of return. Forget giving us another change. You want to know how I moved on from my ex’s dicksand? Pretty crude, but I basically flirted my way out with a bunch of fuckboys.

For the first weekend, I completely ignored my ex’s emails. I had never even went a day without checking his emails before, but I did it that weekend. Here are some shady/thirsty rebound shit I did:

Downloaded Tinder, Home of the Fuckboys

Tinder was basically my first step to moving on.. I just wanted to find a hot guy to chat with online. I had no intentions to meet up because I was fucked up like that. I just wanted that ego boost to know I still got it. But DAYUM yo. After HOURS of swiping, swiping, swiping. NADA. No guys I was interested in. Hartford is small dude. I didn’t realize exactly how small it was until I started swiping through Tinder. I swiped past like… eight different guy friends in the area too. MY FRIENDS. *shivers*

After living in San Francisco, where the people are plentiful and beautiful, I forgot that the singles selection in Connecticut was whack AF. Not to be super shallow or anything (but yes, this is literally super shallow), these East Coast guys that I’d normally label as 6’s or 7’s were considered 8’s and 9’s here. The profile bios for these dudes would be like, “Graduated from Columbia/Harvard/MIT/attorney/doctor/researcher [insert important sounding occupation/prominent university here]”

Whereas in SF, there were so many 9s and 10s who would be like “Oh, I’m a model/actor/director/producer/musician/athlete/host blah [insert entertainment occupation here]” There’s really a huge difference in Tinder game between the coasts. From my experience, East Coast guys were nicer, more educated, not as pretty to look at, while the West Coast boys were hotter, dumber, and inundated with a bunch of basic bitches.

Opened Lines of Communication with a Guaranteed Fuckboy

This was my second step to moving on. I put a lot of my pent-up feelings and energy into chatting with Ronny (Related Post: Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married). I knew nothing long-term or serious was going to happen with him. Afterall, he was 3000 miles away with a girlfriend.

Sure, he was saying shit like “Oh, it takes time to break up with someone.” UH. Homey, you think I’m stupid? I’ve been around a number of fuckboys throughout the years, and come on, let’s be real here.. I’m in the middle of a marriage separation with annulment plans for the unforeseeable future. You think I want to jump into anything? Secondly, you think I actually believe that you’re going to leave your girl for me? I’m not about dat life, and I would not want a man like that anyways.

The way I saw things, I was using regular fuckboys to move on from King Fuckboy. That way, I didn’t feel much guilt when I would ultimately ghost on them. To be fair though, I did kind of develop a crush on Ronny. He was sweet, complimented me a lot, and it was clear he kind of cared about me and my situation. He could never actually “be there” for me since he was taken already, but I didn’t want him to do that anyways. I didn’t want a good guy right now. Not only that, but it would be best if good guys stayed away from me during this period. I had nothing positive to offer them.

Went on a Date with an Old Casual Hook-Up

For my my third moving-on step in this fucked up process, I decided to meet up with Keith (Related Post: Just Got Two Dates). I already knew from past experiences that I wasn’t going to get all emotionally attached to him, and I also knew that he was a low-key fuckboy slash friend. Not to mention, he lived in Connecticut too, and it would have never worked — especially since I fully planned on moving back to SF. Haillllzzz  nah to long distance. Eff that jazz.

Keith was a safe option for me because I had known him for years already — since our college days. Back then, I thought he was really cute and smart, but alas, he had a girlfriend at the time, so things got confusing between us. By the time they ended things, I had already moved out to SF, and got a couple boyfriends of my own. A couple years ago, we tried rekindling things, but then I decided he was too boring. Although he was definitely my type in school, it had already been five years, and tastes change.

Anyways, apologies for the boring ass backstory, but my point is — I trusted Keith enough to know that he wasn’t batshit crazy, and he wasn’t going to make me feel uncomfortable or pursue anything serious with me. However, he was good for cheering me up at the moment without pressuring me for anything.

There’s that ever-popular saying, “the only way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.” I wasn’t really in a rush to get under a bunch of dudes, so I stuck to flirting for a bit.

After following these three steps for a few weeks, BOOM. It worked. And just like that, I no longer obsessed over my ex. Sure, he was still a pain in my kaboose, but at least I could see more clearly now. I could see the way he tried manipulating me, and I could also see him from a more objective point of view — but to be honest, would it ever be completely objective?

(Check out my first post here: Moving Back Home)

 

Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married

I’m not sure what shitstorm just happened over the past few days, but I am now captivated by Ronny, an old co-worker.. who also has a girlfriend (Related Post: Feeling Thirsty and Uncomfortable).

OUT OF ALL THE FUCKING GUYS I DECIDED TO CHOOSE FROM, I SHOWED INTEREST IN THE UNAVAILABLE ONE?

This is seriously a very bad cycle, but right now.. it feels so good. Especially in all the drama that is my husband.. Ronny has been such a comfort. Yes, I know I should be looking at comfort within myself. I know I should ignore him, and push all these guys away as well. I am also well aware that I’m being a terrible person — especially towards his girlfriend. Yada, yada, ya.

I KNOW I’M TERRIBLE, BUT I HAVEN’T HAD ANY ACTION IN A COUPLE MONTHS, SO THE THIRST WAS SO REAL.

My sister thinks I’m too boy crazy, perhaps I am. But ever since I started getting to know Ronny, I stopped obsessing over being separated from my toxic husband. For the first time in over a year, I felt freed from his tight grasp. Hmm.

It’s quite possible that I’m transferring my feelings onto another person so that I could move on with my life. It’s the way I cope. However, would I be able to handle what happens with Ronny? And his girlfriend? I definitely wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything serious with Ronny, but I also wasn’t very happy about being a side bitch. Ronny was trying to have his cake and eat it too.. and right now, I was willingly giving it to him through Instagram DM. So shady!!!

Anyways, let me rewind a little bit and recap the past few days.

I was doing so well. I sent Ronny a message saying this was not for me, and I think any normal man would have respected that. I did, however, continue responding to his ongoing messages. I took pleasure in his affections, compliments, and attention.

 

I remembered I had met Ronny earlier a couple years ago at a work event, before I met my crazy husband. He approached me with his friendly charisma. I had already noticed him when I walked into the room — dude was seriously cute. Anyways, we chatted for a bit at the event, but I left in a hurry because I parked at a street meter. He tried several times while we worked together to engage in conversation with me, but I never reciprocated. Mostly because I was either tongue-tied or preoccupied with other thoughts.

What. Is. Wrong with me? Prepare yourself because I’m about to go full-on boy crazy right now. I liked that Ronny was more experienced. I enjoyed the attention he gave me. It was nice that he craved my conversation and my body even though we’ve never been intimate. Shit, I think we’ve only ever shook hands, not even.

Ugh. I repeat, the thirst is so real. We started sexting.. the best sexting of my life. I was eating up his words, and what he wanted to do to me. Gawd, it was like dirty poetry up in that DM chat. I loved being able to be open to him without judgment. What I didn’t love was that he had a girlfriend. What I didn’t love was that I was still married.

Unfortunately, I would never trust Ronny completely in any serious relationship, and with my big secret (only a few people knew I was even married), he would never completely trust me. I only told him that I had a crazy ex, and we broke up because things got physical. This was all true, except I didn’t mention that it was an ex-husband type of deal.

We both agreed that I should not be in a relationship for a long time.. yet he still wanted to “make love” to me. He wanted to be friends with benefits with me. Was I emotionally capable of that? This was a vicious cycle of bad relationships and bad decisions that could only lead to disaster and shitty outcomes!! I could SEE it, but I’m enjoying Ronny way too much at this point. I could see myself getting hurt. I could see myself pushing my ex towards a breaking point.

I cancelled my date with Adam for tonight. I also cancelled my date with Keith for tomorrow night (Refer to: Just Got Two Dates). Just wasn’t feeling it.

I had yet to respond to my ex’s emails. It’s been three days. That’s the longest I had ever gone without giving him news. I blamed him for pushing me to this point. By accusing me of cheating on him, when I wasn’t. I wanted to make myself feel better, I gave into my comforts, and I engaged in the seduction of several men.. so now, his insults are justified. Yup. This marriage could never work out. I wonder, if I ignored him long enough, if he would move on. Or would he continue to wait? I felt guilty because he was faithfully going to his AA meetings (or was he?), though some of his text messages sounded completely drunk sometimes.

It was difficult to believe anything he said. I didn’t want to believe him anymore. After all his insults and aggression, our marriage was past the point of returning for me.

My ex never asked me about my day. He never asked me about what my plans were. When he DID happen to ask what my plans are, he didn’t actually respect my decisions. That was no life to live. At least with Ronny, we were on an equal playing field. He had been honest and straightforward with me about his relationship (hey, at least he wasn’t currently married) — meanwhile, I was hiding my marriage.

Honestly, I think Ronny would understand though. Regardless, even if we got together after I moved back to San Francisco.. I really don’t think we would work out. Either way, I know what I’m doing is “morally wrong” and as Ronny would say, “Yes, on paper it looks bad” Whatever the fuck that meant — but he made me feel good for the moment. The first good that I’ve felt inside for a long time. I’ve been talking to him for almost a week already, and we haven’t argued at all. Sure, I’ve gotten annoyed, but Ronny was apologetic and he knew exactly how to sweet talk me. That shit was amazing to me.

I could barely get my ex to be polite, patient, and understand things from my perspective for even one full day. Three days tops.

I should give Ronny a timeline for when he should leave his girlfriend, but it’s hypocritical of me to demand that. I was still married.

For now, I will stop talking about exes to Ronny. I cannot push anything with him and his girlfriend, and I should probably set some clear boundaries between us. I should. Should..

So many things I should do.

(Read from the beginning: Moving Back Home)

Feeling Thirsty and Uncomfortable

I’ve been having trouble sleeping at home. The place was a small and cluttered two bedroom that comfortably fit my mom and sister. The couch was comfortable leather, but I was too tall for it.. my sister snored like a monster, and my mom’s bed was solid as a board (she prefers it that way). So I waited until my sister left for work at 6AM before I could sleep in her bed.

After two hours of sleep, I woke up to a painful and irritating itch on my belly button. Damn straight. Belly button. By the time I get that figured out, I couldn’t sleep anymore!

I originally planned on getting up, getting some work done, getting my lashes re-done (yes, lash extensions are da bomb), do laundry, and work out. I wanted to get all that energy out of me. But I was so tired. I messaged my girlfriends and asked for a good salon to get my girl maintenance out of the way.

While waiting, I checked my dating app and gave my number to Adam (Refer to previous post: Just Got Two Dates) before shutting it down, and I checked my spam mailbox for incoming mail from Pierre. For some reason, I felt a bit uncomfortable and ended up dozing off again.

Hours later, I woke up and saw that I got a new text message from Adam. I also received a friendly hello from Keith, my old college friend/hook up.

Just when I thought I had my hands full, I received a direct message from a cute guy I used to work with at my old job. Ronny. It started out innocent enough at first, but then he started complimenting me.. then sharing his personal life. Apparently he was having trouble with his girlfriend, so yeah. He was bad news! I tried to stay cordial though, but what do you do in that situation? When you used to have a crush on a guy, but he doesn’t show interest in you until he’s having girlfriend troubles?

Meanwhile, Pierre was in a friendly and apologetic place today. I was relieved I didn’t spent all my time stressing out about him like I did before. It was always the same pattern with him. Apologetic and nice one day, then manipulative and insulting the next day. Shit is stressful and was slowly driving me insane.

I had been so distracted from talking to Adam, Keith, and Ronny. What is going on? Do these guys just wake up and think, “Hey let me hit this girl up and see if she wants to hang?” With the exception of Adam, I was quite confused. It felt a bit like I was a walking time bomb that attracted nothing but trouble from different directions. Should I just shut all communication with dudes down and ignore all of these dead ends, just focus on me?

The obvious answer was a resounding YES. I needed to. I needed to be strong. Concentrate on other things like reading, writing, working, spending time with friends and family, cooking, sports, politics.. anything. But why was that so hard?! Scratch that – the hard part would be late at night, when everyone’s sleeping, and I’m up feeling lonely.. looking for attention. Craving it. Gawd I’m crazy.

Well.. maybe a little crazy, but I think the overwhelming mood I was in was THIRSTY. I was feeling thirsty. Even though I was trying to stay “friends” with guys, it came off as flirting. Maybe it was flirting. I don’t know man.

What I really needed to do was channel all this excess energy into my work. I was determined to do that. I started feeling like maybe I was putting all my attention into the wrong things these past few days (guys), and it was really starting to mess with me. Dictating my life. Where do I find a balance!

I was trying so hard to just write. Write. Write. “I do not need a man,” I told myself. I needed to drill that into my brain. But I really.. missed having someone hold me. I think my belly button hurt earlier because my tummy was slowly expanding from being a useless lump of laziness the past month!

After forcing myself to be productive and mulling my life over for a few hours, my sister finally came home from work. Thank goodness! Spending time with her helped take my mind off of other bullshit. I helped her with her homework (ahem, she forced me to do it), and we watched that VH1 show, Catching Kelce or something like that. The show about a bunch of girls from every state competing over this hot football player. Entertaining stuff.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Just Got Two Dates

After trying out Match.com for two days, I decided to stop all the dating apps. This was way too serious for me. I know I wanted an escape from my nightmare of a marriage, but this was not it. Before shutting down the last one though, I got a response from the one guy I thought was attractive and interesting. (Refer to previous post: Browsing Through Match.com)

We chatted for a bit through text, and he asked me out for Thursday evening later during the week. I said yes. Though I was about 90% sure I was going to cancel. This was totally counter-productive. I was afraid to tell my therapist because she’ll realize the extent of my nutcase-ness. Did I just dig myself into another hole or was I moving on?

Later that night, I got a message at 2AM from an old friend/hook up, Keith, asking to hang out. I was very hesitant, but I agreed to see him the upcoming Friday. He was a good looking guy, successful and Chinese.. unfortunately, he had the personality of a wall. I felt no chemistry with him. Just pure physical attraction. But he was also the type of guy my family would approve of with flying colors.

What was going on?!! In one day, I managed to snag myself two dates already. I would have felt guilty, but then I checked my spam inbox again and read another threatening email from my soon-to-be ex-husband Pierre. Apparently I was his top priority now, and he would make me “pay” for the rest of my life.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Browsing Through Match.com

So I tried Match.com’s free trial period because there was no way I was gonna pay for that. When I started filling out my profile, there was a section that asked if I was “single”, “divorced”, or “separated”. I know I should have checked off “separated”, but shame made me check off “single”. I hated that this was going to stick with me now. I felt marked. Damaged goods.

I know I said I was only window shopping (Refer to my previous post: The Last Call We Had), but I couldn’t help but look over some profiles. I didn’t realize that whenever you visit someone’s profile, they see that you looked at their page.

When I woke up the next morning, I saw that I got an overwhelming response. What? Hello, ego boost!

I scanned through my spam inbox. Insults from the soon-to-be-ex-husband ensued. I’m over the insults. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so exhausted from babying this guy. I felt less angry at him now though. After a year of being accused of cheating when I was being loyal, at least the accusations were kind of founded now. Pierre always considered himself a psychic. Now that I know him, I realize that whatever he said ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anything that was in his control.. like predicting that “something big and life-changing was going to happen” when his family visited, he made sure that “something” would happen. It was his own actions that propelled me out of his life. I didn’t want to think about it.

Instead, I set my mind to checking the Match dating application. Meh. Lots of guys interested, but I wasn’t interested in anyone at all.

Well, there was one guy, Adam, but he didn’t poke me or whatever the hell you were supposed to do on this website. Oh well. If I thought he was the only hot dude on the website, there were probably loads of other ladies who thought so too. I have good taste in men *wink*.

I really don’t know how people get over their significant other the healthy way. The only way I’ve ever known for moving on from someone was by locking onto another love interest. I’ll save that one for my therapist.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

The Last Call We Had

Pierre called today.

I was hanging out with my mom and sister when I saw his name pop up on my phone. Buzz Buzz Buzz. Do I pick up? Of course I do.

The conversation was definitely strained. It started out friendly enough, but it was evident that there was boiling below a shaky surface. He asks me when I’m coming home.

How do I answer that? Do wives just come back to their abusive husbands on just his word that he has changed? I tell him what I’ve been telling him for the past couple weeks. I don’t know. I’m undecided. I’ve been seeing a therapist to talk about this bullshit. I’ve been spending time with my childhood friends to catch up and to talk out some feelings. My sister and all of my friends hate Pierre. My mom is whatever about him.. mostly because he reminds her of my dad. P.S. My dad is also an anus-hole.

“When are you coming home?” Pierre repeats on the other end of the line. I had walked out of the apartment and was smoking a cigarette outside.

“I don’t know,” I said. I was so undecided. I was so hopelessly in love with this guy. I missed being in his arms, gazing into his eyes. I missed kissing him.

I told him that it’s not black and white. The decision to stay with him was not a clear one. I wanted to try for the sake of being married, but at what cost? I let it slip that I preferred that he cheated on me so that I could make a clear decision.

He gets mad that I mention that.

“You’re being a beech, you know?” Pierre sneers in a thick French accent. He proceeds to accuse me of cheating and the insults ensue. Per usual, I lose my cool, and I threaten to get a divorce right there, but who was I kidding? I needed to be in San Francisco for that. I couldn’t afford a family law lawyer right now either. What I really needed to do was move on.

He was still disrespecting me. All I wanted him to do was keep composure and respect me for a couple weeks straight. I wanted to see if he could practice restraint. I wanted to see that he was making a noticeable effort. Instead, he continued cutting me off by throwing a tantrum, convinced that I cheated on him. I hung up.

I tried to distract myself. I watched some mindless reality show on VH1. I tried reading a book. I showered. I wash dishes. It was almost 3am. I tried sleeping, but I couldn’t. I tried surfing the Internet looking for advice on what to do. I finally settled on joining a dating website against my better judgement — despite my efforts to be alone. I told myself I’m just window shopping, when really I had no idea what I was doing. I mostly wanted to keep myself distracted from checking Pierre’s insulting emails.

It sucks to be accused of cheating on your spouse when you’re being faithful. It’s the worst feeling. Even under these fucking circumstances.. dude put his hands on me. We were separated for a month already. This whole month, he would constantly let his insecurities get the best of him and accuse, accuse, accuse. My goodness dude. I just couldn’t anymore.

Anyways, I joined a dating website that night. Window shopping.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Lost Opportunities

I was sitting at home alone.. happily eating take-out from my family’s restaurant and watching a Halloween special on ABC Family when I received an alert on my phone. I got a new message on LinkedIn from my recruiter friend, Michael, for a job in San Francisco. It was a coordinator position for the development department. 

Before moving back home, I had been living in San Francisco for the past 6 years. I spent my last semester at University interning and taking night classes in SF. It was always my dream to move there — and I did. I built a life and community for myself before my life went cray cray and went to shit after meeting Pierre.

A part of me wanted to ignore the job opportunity so that I could watch this damn movie, but reality sunk in a bit. It was relaxing and stable at home with my family, but I needed to get a job. Finding a job in SF while living in Hartford was not easy, so of course I was going to jump on this chance.

Unfortunately, after hours of touching up my resume, the hiring manager decided my background was too creative. Darn. I was bummed, but it was probably for the best.

Pierre calls, and the conversation is friendly enough, but he didn’t ask me a single question about my day. It was all about him. Actually, no, some of the conversation was about our dog. To be fair though, I didn’t volunteer any information. I wanted to see if Pierre could change. I wanted to see if he would ask.

He complained about his sister and blamed his previous behavior on how his sister was so inconsiderate to visit during that time. I was annoyed (still am) because I could clearly see his pattern of blame shifting towards different targets. It was frustrating that he wasn’t taking full responsibility for his actions. His sister did not force him to drink alcohol when he knew he shouldn’t have even had that first glass. She didn’t tell him to come home and insult me. She didn’t tell him to yank me back by my hair when I tried to leave to sleep in the car. His sister was not the one who held me down, threatened my life, and destroyed my things.

I should have probably kept those thoughts to myself, but I blurted it out. I was angry. I wanted him to see that he was a huge anus-hole for doing what he did.

Just disappointment. He would never see it.

Worst of all? I missed the whole damn Halloween movie!!

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)