The Perfect Man Method

For many years growing up, I would say things like “this is what I want in a guy…” or “my perfect guy needs to be this…” I was ultra-picky, specific, and entitled about what I wanted, but every time I thought I found someone who fit the bill, I’d end up feeling extra disappointed.

One day, I was feeling extra jaded and upset about my life and love, so I put together a list for my own reference. Creating this list was so I could stay focused on what I wanted in a man (priorities, amiright?).

“What I Want in a Perfect Man”

• A guy who volunteers or gives back to the community
• At least college or masters-level education
• Confident and assertive
• A guy who cares about his health and regularly works out
• Someone who understands the struggle of growing up disadvantaged
• Someone who is honest, kind, and communicative
• A guy who has swag and a sense of humor
• A guy who knows what he wants out of his career

I had decided that this was my dream guy, so now I gotta go out and find him, right?

No.

I looked at my list again and realized many, many things.

I Needed To Be More Realistic
First, how can I expect these qualities from a man when I don’t even hit all of these things myself? I volunteer once in awhile, I don’t regularly go to the gym, I haven’t even gone to grad school, I have poor sleep hygiene, I live off of chocolate, and I definitely don’t have a clear career path right now. Even if I did happen to find a man like the one above, I would feel awfully inadequate and extremely insecure in comparison. What have I done? As a result of these feelings, even if I played all my cards right, the relationship would never work out because of ME.

People Attract Like-Minded People
I spent a great deal of time staring at my list, and I thought to myself, “these qualities are really specific, is there a reason why I want this in a man?” Then it hit me, these were actually the goals I wanted for myself. I would absolutely LOVE to embody all of those qualities. After realizing that, I decided to take up a new mind-frame when it came to this “Perfect Man” list. If I ever wanted to meet a guy like this, I needed to work towards becoming my own Perfect Man first. After all, you attract who you are. If you feel insecure about yourself, secure men will smell that on you. However, a fellow insecure person might feel like they can relate to you. So that explains why I always attracted guys I didn’t really want.

Learn More About Yourself
So after having my little Eureka moment (yes, it’s little things like these that make my day), I started thinking about my past behavior in relationships. As a girlfriend, I was always supportive and oh, so kind. Unfortunately, it was to the point where I’d lose my own identity and lose focus on my goals. My boyfriend’s successes were my successes, and we all know that’s not true. Success is earned. I learned that I felt a sense of security through being with a successful guy, and whenever I felt like the relationship was wavering or if we encountered an obstacle, I was in a state of confusion.

To be honest, I was so sick of losing myself to my boyfriend. I needed to actually find out what I truly wanted to do/be, plan out a game plan, and freaking hustle to build my own life. Before, I never knew where to start. However, after putting together my Perfect Man list…I realized I had it all scribbled out in front of me. This Perfect Man List was the person I actually wanted to become.

Woah.

So I call this goal-setting technique “The Perfect Man Method.” It’s meant for all women, but especially those boy crazy women who want to be with the perfect guy but feel like they have also lost themselves in their current relationship or are constantly not feeling good enough when dating. That was a run-on sentence.

In the end, it wasn’t the guy who was my issue (well, sometimes, but that’s a story for another day), it was actually my own insecurities preventing me from having a healthy and strong relationship with the man of my dreams. Since then, I checked off a few of these goals — I started grad school, my career is starting to take off, I’m more confident in my own abilities, and I’m more zoned into my own goals. Overall, I am extremely content and happy with my life because I know I’m living it fully and on my own terms.

This Perfect Man List actually prompted me to hold off on rushing into a relationship at the time. After putting together that checklist, and coming to my many conclusions, I realized I was officially unavailable for dating because I was currently under construction.

Try it out, and let me know if this technique works for you, or if you think it’s complete bull. At the very least, you can work on your penmanship.

Have a lovely day!

Homegirl

Choosing Between Two Guys

Last year, I was casually dating two guys I really liked, but I was at that point where I needed to decide which one to let go because it was starting to get kinda serious with both.

The first guy…
I was really into. He’s actually the dude I talked about in this post. He was tall, handsome, hardworking, generous, successful, ambitious, intelligent. On the flip side, he was also arrogant, entitled, a bit of a womanizer, a loner, extremely impatient, and materialistic. His successes and good looks inspired me to improve myself, but at the same time, made me feel extremely insecure about both my job and my looks. We got to know each other, and he was in the middle of “changing his ways” for me, but I knew he wasn’t at that point yet where he’d be ready for a real committed relationship.

The second guy…
I met the second guy when I was still getting to know the first dude. We hung out as friends for a bit, and he was basically the opposite of guy #1. He was a simple dude. Isaiah Thomas tall (lol), Clarke Gable handsome, definitely not rich, dropped out of college to help make money for his family, and seemingly content with life. He was very patient, responsible, a great communicator, and always respectful. He made me feel like I was out of his league, and he was always there for me. I could always count on him for that. He didn’t need to change his character–he already had so much of it, but his resume wasn’t really doing it for me.

Me? I’m a hardworking, educated, funny, and an easygoing chick with a shit ton of personality. I was tired of being unhappy about guys, and I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with a man who would grow with me. After dating dudes for so long, you kinda get a sense of what works for you. I wanted a guy who was a hot alpha dream boat but at the same time, I also wanted a humble and sensitive romantic.

Anyways, I experienced the best of both worlds for a couple weeks, but I needed to choose. I would change my mind almost every other day, and I was at a crossroad. WHICH ONE?! It wasn’t until I went through two unfortunate hiccups when I realized which guy was right for me.

Hiccup #1
I locked myself out of my apartment with my phone and my dog. I didn’t know what to do. No keys, no money, and I couldn’t call an Uber with a dog. I couldn’t feed myself. I didn’t want to pay for a locksmith, and my roommates were at work. I called both guys!

What happened? Guy #1 was at work, but he said that if I could grab an Uber and go to his place until he got off and he’d help figure things out with me. That didn’t really help. Guy #2? He worked a night shift, and was super tired. He was about to go home and take a nap, but when he got my call, he dropped everything, braved through an hour of traffic, picked me up from the dog park, drove me to my realtor’s office for a spare key, and then took me home.

Hiccup #2
A couple days later…I got food poisoning! I thought I was seriously dying. Puking all over the place, no water AT ALL at home, and I was too unwell to even get out of my bedroom let alone walk my dog and find food.

What happened?
Guy #1 was at work, but he sent over a container of chicken soup from Postmates. He had plans that night, so he didn’t have time or even offer to come over. Guy #2? Again, he was sleep deprived from catering to my needy self, and was just getting off work. I texted one line that I was sick, and that’s all it took. He came over with a case of water, Gatorade, Pedialyte, medication, and he even walked my dog when I was asleep.

So what?
I had my answer staring straight at me. Guy #1 was making an effort, yes, but Guy #2 was just THERE FOR ME. Even though I was giving Guy #2 grief about whether or not we should slow down, take a step back, blah blah, I was basically annoying the shit out of him the entire week — he didn’t care about all that, and he was there for me at the end of the day.

pretty sure this is a picture of two dudes.

So I made a decision…
I began dating Guy #2, who is now my boyfriend. It’s been almost a year, and I’ve been so happy and drama-free. Since we’ve started dating, I’ve started grad school and cemented a solid career. I’ve also grown a lot mentally. Him? He’s starting school again next week, and he’s shown improvement at work enough for them to move him up into corporate. WOO.

My point is, if you’re stuck between choosing a guy like #1 and a guy like #2, go straight down to the nitty-gritty.

• Who are they as people?
• How can they fit into your life?
• Are you spending valuable time stressing out about him or is he going out of his way to de-stress you?
• When you’re at a low point, will he be there for you even if you two are fighting?
• Oh and another question. CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM BEING A GOOD DADDY TO YO BABIES?

I was worried about guy #2’s lack of a resume when I shouldn’t have been. He saw my work ethic, my ambition, and he heard me when I said it was important for me to be with someone who’s completed college. Someone who’s working a job that means something for them. Because he cared about me like that, he actually drew inspiration from me! I helped him grow! He helped me grow as well because he held me down when I was going through my high-stress moments. WOO! We both grew together!

I say this a lot, but where do you think Obama would be without Michelle? I don’t know, but I do know that behind every great man is a great woman. Blah blah blah blah.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

HG

Just Got Two Dates

After trying out Match.com for two days, I decided to stop all the dating apps. This was way too serious for me. I know I wanted an escape from my nightmare of a marriage, but this was not it. Before shutting down the last one though, I got a response from the one guy I thought was attractive and interesting. (Refer to previous post: Browsing Through Match.com)

We chatted for a bit through text, and he asked me out for Thursday evening later during the week. I said yes. Though I was about 90% sure I was going to cancel. This was totally counter-productive. I was afraid to tell my therapist because she’ll realize the extent of my nutcase-ness. Did I just dig myself into another hole or was I moving on?

Later that night, I got a message at 2AM from an old friend/hook up, Keith, asking to hang out. I was very hesitant, but I agreed to see him the upcoming Friday. He was a good looking guy, successful and Chinese.. unfortunately, he had the personality of a wall. I felt no chemistry with him. Just pure physical attraction. But he was also the type of guy my family would approve of with flying colors.

What was going on?!! In one day, I managed to snag myself two dates already. I would have felt guilty, but then I checked my spam inbox again and read another threatening email from my soon-to-be ex-husband Pierre. Apparently I was his top priority now, and he would make me “pay” for the rest of my life.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Lost Opportunities

I was sitting at home alone.. happily eating take-out from my family’s restaurant and watching a Halloween special on ABC Family when I received an alert on my phone. I got a new message on LinkedIn from my recruiter friend, Michael, for a job in San Francisco. It was a coordinator position for the development department. 

Before moving back home, I had been living in San Francisco for the past 6 years. I spent my last semester at University interning and taking night classes in SF. It was always my dream to move there — and I did. I built a life and community for myself before my life went cray cray and went to shit after meeting Pierre.

A part of me wanted to ignore the job opportunity so that I could watch this damn movie, but reality sunk in a bit. It was relaxing and stable at home with my family, but I needed to get a job. Finding a job in SF while living in Hartford was not easy, so of course I was going to jump on this chance.

Unfortunately, after hours of touching up my resume, the hiring manager decided my background was too creative. Darn. I was bummed, but it was probably for the best.

Pierre calls, and the conversation is friendly enough, but he didn’t ask me a single question about my day. It was all about him. Actually, no, some of the conversation was about our dog. To be fair though, I didn’t volunteer any information. I wanted to see if Pierre could change. I wanted to see if he would ask.

He complained about his sister and blamed his previous behavior on how his sister was so inconsiderate to visit during that time. I was annoyed (still am) because I could clearly see his pattern of blame shifting towards different targets. It was frustrating that he wasn’t taking full responsibility for his actions. His sister did not force him to drink alcohol when he knew he shouldn’t have even had that first glass. She didn’t tell him to come home and insult me. She didn’t tell him to yank me back by my hair when I tried to leave to sleep in the car. His sister was not the one who held me down, threatened my life, and destroyed my things.

I should have probably kept those thoughts to myself, but I blurted it out. I was angry. I wanted him to see that he was a huge anus-hole for doing what he did.

Just disappointment. He would never see it.

Worst of all? I missed the whole damn Halloween movie!!

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)