To My Fellow Queens Wrapping Up 2019

I’ve been in a mood lately. Perhaps it’s the holiday blues, perhaps it’s because I’ve been working non-stop. One day I’m a bit down and I hate boys, another day I’m like today is amazing and I (still) hate boys. Lol. I’m starting to suspect I low-key have a mood disorder.

But yeah, it could just be the holidays.

Holidays are a time when people (should) want to be together. Some people like being alone and with their immediate loved ones or maybe just their partner. I’m a little in between where I like to hit up maybe one or two house parties, and then go back and cuddle with a significant other, smoke a little weed, binge watch a show I really like.

Some years I have a boyfriend while other years I’m alone.

I haven’t really shared my personal life on this blog since maybe last year, but in 2019, I went through some ups-and-downs. Overall? *drumroll* I think I lived my best life this year. I amicably ended a two-year relationship, I got my Masters, I moved into my friend’s conveniently located (and beautiful) townhouse, got a job straight out of school, and transitioned my way back into the adult world .. out of student life.

What About The JUICY STUFF?

In typical Homegirl fashion, I jumped straight back into dating. Except this time around, I wanted to do it on my terms. I wanted a guy to hit all my checkboxes, no exceptions this time. If he didn’t fit it, then I’m patient and I can wait. At the same time, I was also seeing multiple guys, being open about seeing multiple guys to guys I was seeing (I know), and telling these dudes that I didn’t want a relationship.

I mean, this is all true. I shouldn’t be jumping into another relationship so quickly. There’s so much I need to work on with myself. Like, c’mon give me maybe 5 more years, then I’ll be ready to settle down and nest. The problem is — at my core, I’m a relationship kind of girl.

Yeah… still trying to figure out what I want from men as I build my career.

There are several high-quality men I’m chatting with at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the Masters degree or that my money situation is a lot better these days, but the kind of guys I date now are guys I could only dream of dating when I was 21.

At 21, I was still going out with fuckboys. I loveeeed loser fuckboys with no job. And if they sold drugs or were in prison? Even better lol. I was certified insane when I was 21.

These days, I’m talking to doctors, business owners, CEOs, tech geniuses, ahh.. and models and IG personalities etc etc. And the kicker? They’re all hot. ALL OF THEM. Ripped hotties who want to take me out to proper dinners. WHO AM I? I don’t know.

What Changed?

Over the past few years, my personality hadn’t really changed much, but my mindset and self-respect definitely did. At the most basic level.. I respect myself, my time, and my mental space.

Respecting myself as in.. I don’t care who you are.. no matter how rich you are, how high your status is, how old you are — treat me like a human who is neither greater than or less than you. Equal. I was raised to be polite with manners, and I come from a culture that traditionally values submissive women, but if someone is being rude and talking down to me (especially a date who might make more or is older.. whatever), I don’t need to waste my time. There are plenty of other guys who are just as rich, handsome, confident, and successful as you who WON’T talk down to me. And those are the men that I want.

Respecting my time as in.. I’m a busy girl. Seriously, I am. I also really enjoy my allotted alone time every week. I work out, I love self-care, and I have my army of protective girlfriends and my sister to pay attention to. Guys ask me out regularly, so why would I go out of my way to pursue a dude who won’t text me to confirm a previously discussed time, or won’t give me details for where they’d like to take me out for a date? I would much rather be working out, at a steam room, getting my nails done (hair done, face done, legs and vagina done lol), writing, reading, partying, working……. SO MANY THINGS I’D RATHER DO than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t even have the respect to get back to me in a timely manner. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Guys who do that, especially in the beginning, are the kind of guys who will only get worse the more you accept that kind of behavior from them. Don’t have time for those kinds of dudes – that’s why they still single as hell.

Lastly, when I say respecting my mental space, and this is very important, I mean this. We all have a certain capacity for how much we can fit into our mental space every day before becoming exhausted, tired, fatigued. Whether it’s a friend or a relationship, if that person is sucking the life out of you to the point where you have no more mental energy to focus on bettering yourself or what’s truly important to you.. Let. *clap* That. *clap* Person. *clap* Go. Forreal. Whether it’s a friend or a guy who is bringing drama to your life, pointing out things about you that seem like criticism, or just pulling you into a state of anxiety and uncertainty… YEAHhhhhhh fuck that (not literally). Let them go.

And that’s all. Ever since I’ve adapted that kind of mentality, the quality of men I’ve been seeing have shot up. These men aren’t clingy, they’re equally busy, they have their share of female options as well, and did I mention….THEY’RE HOT?!

But here I am, all in my holiday feels, even though I am talking to several people. At the end of the day, I’m a relationship kind of girl… who thinks like a noncommittal single guy.. who craves companionship.. but also wants to be alone. Clearly, I’m still trying to figure out what I want for myself. I’m not as confused as I was earlier this year, but I’m also not like… I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF WHEN I WANT like a Type A weirdo. Ok maybe a bit.

Just going with the flow these days. I finally started getting the hang of my stressful but *hit the ground running* job, so I have more time to commit to myself and my passion projects. As I typed this blog entry up, I messaged my close girlfriends to kickstart our upcoming pop-psychology podcast we wanted to start – discussing our highs and woes of sex, life, love, and modern dating. We’re gonna drink some wine, talk psych, and hang out cause we’re all homegirls. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the catch-up! I swear, more posts to come.

Love you Queens,

Homegirl

Dealing with Rude People

I feel the need to talk about this subject because…well, it just feels like I’ve been encountering very rude people lately. You see, the kind of energy I tend to give off is very positive, encouraging, and supportive, so when someone comes into my life spraying poison and negativity all over the place guns a blazing…I notice.

This was, and still is, a big issue for me, especially when it comes to responding back to rude people. I seem to have only two gears, both of which are the polar opposite of each other. I’m like Winston from New Girl when he pulls pranks — they’re either too little or too much (Watch video here). In other words, I either underreact and let the rude person get away with their bad behavior, or I overreact and cuss them out and then some.

After working for years at an entertainment company, learning valuable info about therapy and psychology in grad school, and going through general life bullshit, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to respond to rude people. My answer is to either ignore them, assert my opinion and rationally explain the facts, or kill them with kindness.

If you’re a crazy person like I can be sometimes though, ignoring them can be hard. At the same time, asserting yourself might be tricky as well. I remember sending a friendly message (or at least I thought it was friendly) to a fellow freelance writer before. A little background, we were responsible for double-checking whether or not someone else had already written about a particular topic, and I saw that she pitched an idea that I had already done. In my friendly message, I just told her that I had written it before–and her response was kind of aggressive.

Me: Hi *Chick, I saw that you posted this idea, I wanted to let you know that I already wrote that one! *insert article link here* You might have missed it, but I wanted to give you a heads up before the editor notices it.

Her: I don’t care if she rejects it or not. You wrote an article that was greenlit, and it was pretty much the same as mine and no one said anything. Why don’t you mind your own business?

*PAUSE*

This is when I was thinking to myself, “OK THIS BITCH.” If this were in person, I’d be ready to take off my earrings and throw down. Lol, jk I wouldn’t. I took a few minutes to cool down before responding.

Me: I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I sent you that message as a courtesy.

Her: No you didn’t.

Me: I did. I’ve read your articles, and I think you’re a great writer. There’s plenty of articles to go around for both of us, so there’s really no reason for me to be upset.

So you saw what I did in my response? Old me would have been like, “You’re fucking crazy, stupidass bitch.” and then try to make her feel dumb and then threaten her lol. New and improved me is still the same girl, but a different story. I’m an adult now and I need to learn how to get along with other people, even if I don’t like them. You ever hear the term “Kill them with kindness”?

What was bonkers is that after I responded that way, she became very friendly. It was weird. That bitch was legit insane. She Facebook friended me and she asked if I wanted to go out and get bubble tea with her. WHO DOES THAT? Anyways, things were dandy after that exchange. She eventually got fired because the editor deemed her “too defensive,” which was true. I occasionally look at her Facebook and read her rants. It seems like she regularly gets into fights with her friends as well.

Back to my topic. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH RUDE PEOPLE? Well, here are a few questions to consider before you impulsively respond.

Are you reading too much into it?
Sometimes, people just have bad messaging etiquette. It’s uncanny. I’ve emailed and texted with people who just seemed so short and rude, but then in person, they’re actually the sweetest. Maybe they’re just being normal, and YOU’RE actually the one who’s being too sensitive. This is my rule of thumb for gauging whether or not you’re reading too much into something. If it’s a *questionable* statement that can go either way, I ignore it. However, if it’s blatantly rude like the one you see above…they’re using “you” in an attacking manner or if they’re like *Chick above and they say, “why don’t you mind your own business?” Stand up for yourself, but remember to do it in a classy way. REMEMBER, KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.

Are they projecting their insecurities onto you?
Maybe someone had a bad day. Maybe they just broke up or someone died. Maybe they’re busy and everyone’s bombarding them, and they just flipped. Recognize the situation. If you feel like someone is verbally attacking you, but the things that they’re saying are absolutely untrue, it might be that they’re just projecting their own feelings onto you. Whenever I recognize that this is the kind of person I’m dealing with, I avoid them. I understand though that when I’m a therapist one day, it’ll be different. In therapy, they teach you how to be like Teflon, letting this bullshit just slide off you. Stay true to yourself and YOU KNOW who you are, don’t listen to them. In fact, it makes me feel better simply reminding myself that this person might just be so deeply insecure that they feel the need to be rude to others. It actually ends up making me feel sad about their situation.

Are they socially awkward?
Believe it or not, there are people who are just emotional robots. They don’t know how to properly respond, react, or communicate with others. These people tend to be blunt in their exchanges, and though they don’t mean to come off this way, their lack of empathetic words, emojis, intonations, and overall blank expressions might translate to others as rudeness. If you’ve observed this person already, and you know they’re socially awkward like this, my advice is to get used to it. Unless they’re blatantly being super rude in a way that will impact, I dunno, a working relationship or something or they’re your underling at work and their behavior is getting in the way of communicating with others, there’s really no need to say anything. Think about it. If they’re socially awkward, they’re probably either really nice inside or a sociopath inside. You wouldn’t want to react badly in either situation.

Are they being defensive?
Maybe you were the one who said something wrong. Maybe what sounds like just your average everyday speech is actually you making someone feel bad. Maybe you’re the one who said something offensive. Did you talk about their parents, kids, friends, family? You might have thought you were being nice, but did you say something mean about fat people, gay people, minorities, or a certain group? Perhaps they identify with that group. Maybe you were just trying to be funny or amicable, but your joke just fell short. People say that in every joke, there’s a little bit of truth. I personally hate being trolled by people–I think that people who spend their time bringing others down for fun need to go see me in therapy because you need to address that shit. See, in that sentence alone, I probably offended some trolls. The world needs more people who want to build others up. I love those people.

Are they just plain mean and condescending?
If they are, don’t waste your energy on them. They might not be deeply insecure, they might just think they’re better than you. There are people like this in the world. I’ve grown to believe that I’m equal to everyone. NO ONE is above or below me no matter who they are. I don’t care if you’re famous or you make a lot more money than I do. I don’t care if you’re older than I am or if you’re more educated than I am. I am confident enough in myself as a person and the things that I do to recognize that I’m happy. If someone is being mean and condescending to you and they’re your boss, you can quit and find another job or secretly make their life miserable. Like put little pieces of shit in their office. If they’re mean and condescending and they’re not your boss? Ohh…*rubs hands together* get ready to throw down.

I’m just kidding, just walk away. When I’m in that situation, I look them straight in the eye and I tell them. I don’t care how wealthy you are, and I don’t care about your job, or how smart or popular you are. I judge people by their character, and right now, you’re acting like a condescending pretentious piece of shit…

And then I would go into full cuss mode.

Anyways, that’s how I deal with rude people. LOL. Honestly, killing assholes with kindness has been working for me the past few years. Nothing’s more annoying than someone who’s trying to insult you, but there you are, with a shitass eating grin on your face acting all classy and nice. It makes them look bad, and it gives you POWER.

I’m sure there are some bits of reasonable advice in there. Hope you guys have a lovely day! Feel free to drop a comment below.

xoxo,

Homegirl.

Take Care of Yourself First

Before you can take care of other people, you need to learn how to take care of yourself first.

There are several types of people in the world. There are those people in society who are utterly selfish and narcissistic. For example, that ex of yours who just couldn’t stop making everything about him/herself. Or that aunt who would waste hours of family time staring at herself in the mirror. And then there are those people who are on the complete other end of the spectrum. Those are the ones I’m talking about in this post.

These people aren’t as clearcut as the selfish/narcissistic individual, and they come in many forms. They could be an overprotective parent, a needy spouse, a micromanaging coworker, a bossy friend…etc, the list goes on. This person could even be you.

What these people all have in common is that they care. They may be empathetic and supportive, but to the extent where they’re putting their own self-care responsibilities to the wayside.

What This Means
According to Psychology Today, for many people, learning to love him or herself first is something that’s difficult because it might come off as being selfish. That seems to be where the confusion is…knowing what’s considered “selfish” and what’s considered “self-care.” It seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? How can you possibly take care of another person physically, emotionally, or financially if you suck at taking care of your own body, emotions, or finances? How can you be there for others if you can’t even take the time to care for yourself?

A good rule of thumb to follow is to listen to what you’re telling other people and apply it to your own life. Are you the one scolding your intern about how she should eat healthier, yet you’re the one who can never find time to eat at all? No one likes a hypocrite. Don’t be one! Chances are if you’re trying to care for someone else, you want them to listen to you right? Well, if you’re guilty of the exact same thing (for example, if you smoke but you’re telling all your friends that they shouldn’t smoke), what right do you have to tell someone to do otherwise?

Personal Experience
I used to be that co-dependent girlfriend in the relationship. You know what I’m talking about. The one who threw herself into her boyfriend’s life, career, and goals, while pushing her own responsibilities and goals to the corner. It seemed that every boyfriend of mine would grow to their max potential during our relationship. I would be there whenever they needed help, guidance, support.

When I was younger, I was in a long-term relationship with an aspiring musician. I helped him brainstorm ways to move up the ladder, I’d go to every single one of his shows, help with his resume, go to his practices, prepare his food, go to all his family outings and obligations, I’d go with him to work, you name it. I was there. I saw this dude every day for nearly four years in a row, and I made it all about him.

You can imagine how I felt about myself. After neglecting my own goals for so many years, I felt incredibly insecure about my own career trajectory, the quality of my friendships, my physical health, and my own talent and skills. I spent most of my time either talking about my boyfriend and living through him. Whenever someone asked about my own plans, I’d just pivot the conversation back to my boyfriend’s successes. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but with a 9-5 job and the rest of my time dedicated to my boyfriend and his activities, I didn’t write a thing. My skills never progressed.

I’m not gonna delve into my entire codependent relationship with this one, but at the end of that relationship, I started feeling unsatisfied with the relationship, insecure with my own beliefs, and jealous of my boyfriend’s success. That’s right…JEALOUS of my boyfriend! I started resenting him because he didn’t do the same things for me.

Because being supportive and taking care of him was something that I prioritized first before myself for many years, my own baggage started spilling over–ultimately affecting our relationship and my self-esteem.

How To Apply to Your Life

OK, so you want to practice more self-care. Here are a few ways you can take care of yourself every day.

• Set aside time for yourself every day. Whether it’s 20 minutes or two hours, do what you gotta do. After I finish my work for the day, I find time to watch at least one of my favorite guilty pleasure Netflix shows every night before bed.
• Practice meditation. This can be as short as 1 minute a day. Simply clear your mind of all the day’s stresses and focus on even, deep, breaths. Doing something this small can make great strides in your stress-levels and help with mental health.
• Get your workout on. Doesn’t have to be the gym. You could go for a short walk around your house, eventually working up to around the block. You could schedule a weekly hike. I like to integrate weekly activities with different people, so I can maintain my friendships as well. In my own life, I go surfing every other Friday morning with my friend Jen, I go hiking every Sunday with my dog, I go to spin class after work with my coworkers, and I squeeze in the gym Tuesdays/Thursdays with my boyfriend after he gets out of class.
• Practice healthy habits. Whether it’s your nutrition, sleeping habits, or addictive habits, work towards treating your body like the temple it is. You can’t be there for your kids if you end up overdosing off alcohol or you’re taken down by a heart attack.
• Being financially responsible. Yeah…don’t be giving financial advice if you suck with money. Sure, your friend Suzy might be sad about her relationship and she NEEDS you to be there for her by going to the latest EDM festival with her. But if you can’t afford it, don’t spend the last of your own savings because you feel the need to be a good friend. What’s the point of joining her if you’re gonna be stressing about your lack of funds for yourself.

Final Take
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! If you don’t, that neglect might just manifest into something worse and bite you in the booty later on. If you take the time to really grow yourself, not only will you be happier for it and feel more secure about yourself in the long run, you might actually have that extra UMPH in you to take care of other people.

The Perfect Man Method

For many years growing up, I would say things like “this is what I want in a guy…” or “my perfect guy needs to be this…” I was ultra-picky, specific, and entitled about what I wanted, but every time I thought I found someone who fit the bill, I’d end up feeling extra disappointed.

One day, I was feeling extra jaded and upset about my life and love, so I put together a list for my own reference. Creating this list was so I could stay focused on what I wanted in a man (priorities, amiright?).

“What I Want in a Perfect Man”

• A guy who volunteers or gives back to the community
• At least college or masters-level education
• Confident and assertive
• A guy who cares about his health and regularly works out
• Someone who understands the struggle of growing up disadvantaged
• Someone who is honest, kind, and communicative
• A guy who has swag and a sense of humor
• A guy who knows what he wants out of his career

I had decided that this was my dream guy, so now I gotta go out and find him, right?

No.

I looked at my list again and realized many, many things.

I Needed To Be More Realistic
First, how can I expect these qualities from a man when I don’t even hit all of these things myself? I volunteer once in awhile, I don’t regularly go to the gym, I haven’t even gone to grad school, I have poor sleep hygiene, I live off of chocolate, and I definitely don’t have a clear career path right now. Even if I did happen to find a man like the one above, I would feel awfully inadequate and extremely insecure in comparison. What have I done? As a result of these feelings, even if I played all my cards right, the relationship would never work out because of ME.

People Attract Like-Minded People
I spent a great deal of time staring at my list, and I thought to myself, “these qualities are really specific, is there a reason why I want this in a man?” Then it hit me, these were actually the goals I wanted for myself. I would absolutely LOVE to embody all of those qualities. After realizing that, I decided to take up a new mind-frame when it came to this “Perfect Man” list. If I ever wanted to meet a guy like this, I needed to work towards becoming my own Perfect Man first. After all, you attract who you are. If you feel insecure about yourself, secure men will smell that on you. However, a fellow insecure person might feel like they can relate to you. So that explains why I always attracted guys I didn’t really want.

Learn More About Yourself
So after having my little Eureka moment (yes, it’s little things like these that make my day), I started thinking about my past behavior in relationships. As a girlfriend, I was always supportive and oh, so kind. Unfortunately, it was to the point where I’d lose my own identity and lose focus on my goals. My boyfriend’s successes were my successes, and we all know that’s not true. Success is earned. I learned that I felt a sense of security through being with a successful guy, and whenever I felt like the relationship was wavering or if we encountered an obstacle, I was in a state of confusion.

To be honest, I was so sick of losing myself to my boyfriend. I needed to actually find out what I truly wanted to do/be, plan out a game plan, and freaking hustle to build my own life. Before, I never knew where to start. However, after putting together my Perfect Man list…I realized I had it all scribbled out in front of me. This Perfect Man List was the person I actually wanted to become.

Woah.

So I call this goal-setting technique “The Perfect Man Method.” It’s meant for all women, but especially those boy crazy women who want to be with the perfect guy but feel like they have also lost themselves in their current relationship or are constantly not feeling good enough when dating. That was a run-on sentence.

In the end, it wasn’t the guy who was my issue (well, sometimes, but that’s a story for another day), it was actually my own insecurities preventing me from having a healthy and strong relationship with the man of my dreams. Since then, I checked off a few of these goals — I started grad school, my career is starting to take off, I’m more confident in my own abilities, and I’m more zoned into my own goals. Overall, I am extremely content and happy with my life because I know I’m living it fully and on my own terms.

This Perfect Man List actually prompted me to hold off on rushing into a relationship at the time. After putting together that checklist, and coming to my many conclusions, I realized I was officially unavailable for dating because I was currently under construction.

Try it out, and let me know if this technique works for you, or if you think it’s complete bull. At the very least, you can work on your penmanship.

Have a lovely day!

Homegirl

Forgiving Others and Yourself in 6 Steps

So this is just the first part of a series I put together on the subject of forgiveness. It’s something that many people struggle with, no matter what age.  Simply my point of view on forgiving yourself, friends, family, and others people in your life — and how learning how to forgive can make you happier in the long run.

Lesson #1 – Forgiving Yourself

I’m not going to act like I know everything about forgiveness because I definitely don’t. I’m not going to pretend like I understand all types of pain that warrant or don’t warrant forgiveness either. However, I do know a bit about coping. I know about resilience. I know about growth. I know about strength. Everyone has their own experiences, but I really believe that if you want to be able to forgive others, you must be able to forgive yourself first. Of course, while forgiving yourself is important, you still want to own up to your actions and take responsibility. Don’t be a dick and blame others for your own poor decisions. Understand why you did what you did, make amends, put a plan in place for the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, make peace with it, and move forward with your life.

Here’s my recipe for forgiving yourself in outline form:

• Feel Your Feelings
• Take Responsibility
• Understand Why You Did What You Did
• Accept that Some People Won’t Forgive You
• Put a Future Plan in Place
• Make Peace With It

Whenever I had a disagreement with someone in the past, I would only see red. There was no room for empathy, just blame and resentment. Whenever I did something wrong (and I knew I was wrong), I’d go to the complete other end of the spectrum and wholeheartedly blame myself, sometimes burying myself in self-hate. There was no deep reflection, there was simply blame, anger, sadness, negativity, and a feeling of entitlement almost…and all of that was suffocating. It led me nowhere.

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FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.

I used to have an issue with cheating on my partners. In one relationship, the entire affair blew up in my face, and I was forced to tell my boyfriend at the time that I cheated on him. No surprise, but we broke up, and I felt…EVERYTHING. I felt remorse, sadness, guilt, anger, self-pity, and most of all, I felt shame. It was the first time in my life that I had to directly deal with the consequences of my actions. It was a reality check! It haunted me, and I think it was supposed to haunt me. The look on his face. The judgement and humiliation I felt from my friends. His friends. The overwhelming feeling of shame that kept me from talking about it for many years. The anger I felt towards him for telling my friends and family about how I cheated on him. The sadness and regret from losing someone important to me for something so fleeting. All that good stuff.

Make sure you feel all your feelings. Just feel, don’t act.

Many people will tell you that it’s not ok to feel angry, especially if it’s your fault. Some people might even say that you deserve to feel shitty. I’m telling you, feel whatever the fuck you want to feel for a few days, get that out of your system, and then start looking at the bigger picture. You fucked up, so stop making excuses, stop feeling bad and harping on it, what’s done is done. It’s time to pick yourself up.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

This was never the hard part for me. I’ve always been pretty good at owning up to my mistakes and taking responsibility for my actions.

I grew up in a strict Chinese household, where every “mistake” made was harshly punished. There was no room for cockiness, clap backs, excuses, smartass comments, or disobedience. If you lost your cool, you’d get hit — even if you showed remorse. Because you’re willing to “take your punishment,” it built character and humility. I’m not knocking on my Chinese heritage, but that mentality truly fucked with me growing up, especially going into adolescence and adulthood. It affected all my relationships and made me look at the concepts of right and wrong in an unhealthy and extreme, black-and-white kind of way. Ironically, it also made me look at things that were “morally wrong,” such as cheating, lying, or stealing, in a “well, if I don’t get caught, it’s fine” kind of way. Of course, when I got caught, I’d react the same way I did as a child…I’d cry, accept my punishment, blame myself, and never talk about it again. BLAH.

Anyways, I was so good at taking responsibility, I’d even start putting myself down. Blaming myself for everything, even on faults that weren’t mine.  This self-punishment helped me feel better. People react differently to each situation, but my method only took me so far. What’s the point in taking responsibility for my actions if I might just do it again in my next relationship? I needed to do something about it.

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.

Instead of pretending those weak moments never happened or drowning yourself in self-pity, you need to dig deep. Remember all those feelings you felt earlier? Look at each of those feelings, and try to understand why you felt that way. I could see why I felt remorse and shame, but why did I feel anger? Why did I cheat on my previous boyfriends before? Was I bored? Were they assholes? What brought me to that point in the first place? When did I start feeling differently about my boyfriend?

This self-exploration took a long time to figure out. In short, I was a very passive aggressive and nonconfrontational person. I was a coward. If a boyfriend didn’t treat me well, instead of communicating with him or breaking up with him, I’d cheat as my sort of secret “revenge.” Cheating is much easier than having to deal with a difficult and real conversation. However, after dealing with the fallout, I realized the consequences weren’t worth it. I needed to stop being a wuss and have that difficult conversation instead. Hurting someone by ending a relationship is a much better alternative to hurting someone by cheating on them. Having real talk means you’re being fair to yourself and to the other person, but doing so also takes a lot of balls.

People respect good ole’ integrity and balls. They don’t respect cheaters. That brings me to my next point.

ACCEPT THAT SOME PEOPLE WON’T FORGIVE YOU.

I lost a lot of friends during that time I went through that cheating fiasco. At first, I was sad and thought I deserved it, and maybe I did. Then, I was angry and held a grudge, telling myself that these people who don’t forgive me don’t deserve my friendship anyways. Eventually, I learned to let go of all the spiteful thoughts, and simply accept it. Some people might judge you for your transgressions for the rest of your life, and that’s perfectly fine. People have the right to their own opinions. Their decision to not forgive you may even be justified. In the end, you gotta let these things slide.

You cannot control the actions of other people, you can only control your own.

The point of forgiving yourself is that you do it, not others. At this point, you should already know in your heart that you will be a better person moving forward. That you will NEVER go backward, in fact, you’ll work on being better with every day. If other people can’t see that right now, that’s just the way it is. As long as you know that you’re going to change.

And how will you know that you won’t make the same mistake again?

PUT A FUTURE PLAN IN PLACE.

I’m going to emphasize this part. You need to follow through on your future promises or else you’ll find yourself repeating the same bad decisions over again. You already know how to put yourself in a bad situation, now, the plan is to avoid getting yourself in that situation ever again. In my case, I already knew I was never going to do that to someone again. But how did I get there in the first place? There was a point in my relationship when I started accepting friend requests, a guy would message me, and I’d flirt. That was the beginning of it – and that was the part I needed to stay alert about.

I put together a freaking mantra ya’ll. Seriously. I repeated to myself, “The next time I’m in a relationship, and it comes to the point where I find myself craving attention from someone else, it’s time to either communicate and try harder OR break up.” I made that promise to myself, and I’ve kept it ever since. There’s nothing worse than lying to yourself, so you must honestly commit to yourself first. Use your mistake as motivation to be stronger and better in the future.

Finally, MAKE PEACE WITH IT. 

I didn’t realize I was over my cheating shame until I started dating my current boyfriend. I told him I had cheated before, but that I had stopped forever (something like that). At first, he got mad, and did the whole “how will I know you won’t do that to me?” ma-jig. Understandable question, but I wasn’t that same person from before anymore. I knew who I was, and I knew all the hard work it took for me to get here. I also knew the role that cheating thing played in my life and how it’s shaped the person I am today.

I didn’t feel the need to defend myself, and I didn’t feel the need to explain the entire situation. I told him, that person was a different me. I paid my dues, put myself through hell already, and if he can’t get past judging me for who I was 10 years ago, then he can move along. I told him early on during our dating phase. It was a delicate conversation, but he let it go right away. He could see and hear my conviction when it involved my self-improvement, and best of all, he still trusted me because I was honest about it.

OVERALL,

If you actually want to follow through and become that best version of yourself, you’ll understand that change doesn’t just happen overnight. I’ve struggled with the concept of forgiveness for a long time. Whether it’s being forgiven or forgiving someone else, conquering the art of forgiveness is an essential step towards moving forward with your life, letting go of resentment and grudges, as well as pushing yourself towards growth and improvement. The whole ordeal can be frustrating and nerve-racking, but at the same time, it can also be strangely cathartic and empowering.

*Note: This post addresses “regular” life stresses and should not be applied to serious traumas. If you find yourself in a super traumatic situation and don’t know how to deal with it, I strongly suggest seeing a professional to help sort out your feelings.

*Second Note: I have no idea how to match images with captions, so some of them might not really make sense.

Take care,
Homegirl

How to Attract Silent Attention

“Admire a woman who draws silent attention. She doesn’t need to make a spectacle of herself to the world. You notice her without realizing.”

I’m not sure who wrote that quote, but this one really hit home for me. This is what I strive to be as a woman (on top of a lot of things, of course).

When I was younger, I would say maybe early 20s, I knew I was pretty. I shed the extra weight I had in high school, my skin cleared up, and boys started asking me out. I reveled in this newfound attention.

At some point during those years, I became a drunken buffoon, super loud, super skanky, super braggy, and super thirsty for attention. I’ll save the embarrassing details. Yes, I would still attract men, but never the ones I wanted, always the ones I’d regret. It took me a long time to finally realize I didn’t need to work so hard on showing others I was happy and awesome. If I were truly happy and awesome, people would see it without my putting in so much effort.

I began focusing on other aspects of my life besides looking good or peacocking (Urban Dictionary defines peacocking as “dressing for attention like a peacock does to get a mate”). I also began working on controlling my drinking behavior (hey, you gotta learn to keep it together sometime). You can still be drunk and keeps it classy.

No more caking make-up all over my skin or drawing in panda eyes with my eyeliner, I went for a more natural look. Ok, by “natural” I mean getting eyelash extensions! Not only did this expensive hobby save time with makeup, I was also putting on less eyeliner. As for my cake face, on nonspecial days, I would forego the foundation, and let all my pimples hang… wishing to Sweet Baby Jesus that I wouldn’t run into a hot dude while walking my dog.

I continued working out for my health, and I took a step back and examined my wardrobe. See through shirts and Crop tops galore. Short shorts and tiny skirts. Yes, I was petite and fit, but was it really necessary for me to show that all off to others? Strangers? What did I have to prove? That I was attractive with great abs? So I began dressing “sexy” but “classy”. I would wear alluring clothes, but cover up all my naughty parts, letting guys run away with their own imagination.

I remember one night when I was approached by 10 different men (in a 3-hour time span), while I was vacationing in London. That was by far a personal record. You know what I was wearing? Head-to-toe all black. A sleeveless black shirt that revealed absolutely nothing underneath a black leather jacket, black skintight long pants, and black combat boots. I looked cool AF without showing any of my goodies.

I worked on my attitude and confidence as well. I used to think confidence was being able to say anything and everything to a guy, regardless of content. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud any woman with balls large enough to approach a dude they’re interested in, but I’m much more old-school these days. I prefer doing as little work as I can to get a guy, and they must approach me first. If they don’t, their loss. There are plenty of other fishies in the sea. If they do, that’s attractive AF to me. Blah, blah.

Lastly, I worked on my insecurity. For years, I’d openly admit that I was insecure about certain things.. my intelligence, my body, my boobs, my sense of humor, my job, etc. I wanted everyone to like me. How do you tackle a beast like insecurity?

My answer was creating goals for myself. If I truly feel like I’m not as intelligent as others, then I should either go back to school or take a class on a subject I’m interested in. Or I can read a good book or watch something educational. If I truly have issues with my body, then I should work out.  If I feel like I’m lacking a sense of humor, psh. As long as I’m funny to myself, I don’t care. Laughter (even alone) is great for fighting unhappiness.

And my job? Well, I really only went after jobs I wanted. During my free time, instead of spending all those nights out partying, I would research and hone my skills.

For boobies, I could accept that my breasts are kind of teeny, and dream about getting plastic surgery in the future when I can afford it (and after I’ve accomplished my other goals lol).

I’ve talked about my Perfect Man Method a few times already, but to reiterate, I basically use this method as a jumpoff point for my own life goals. I would imagine my perfect guy, someone way out of my league, super intimidating, and beyond my imagination. I would write down his specific qualities… active in sports, volunteers for the greater good, graduated college at least, tall and handsome, great with dogs, funny, blah. I would create my Perfect Man list, and at the end, cross off “PERFECT MAN” and change it to, how to become my perfect self.

If I managed to achieve all those qualities, when it comes time to meet this “perfect man”, I’d be his equal. There would be no insecurity because I’m there already.

Anyways, those are my thoughts about that quote above. Whenever I see a beautiful woman who’s hungry for attention, I cringe and shake my head. She doesn’t need to be that way and the only person she needs to prove anything to is herself.

PS. Don’t get me wrong. I still love dressing up, wearing skanky clothes, and being alluring and a sex kitten and stuff. I just reel in my behavior. No more falling over dudes, no more drinking til I’m sloppy, no more being an object for slimey men.

Thanks,
Homegirl