Years ago, I wrote this post on this blog called Moving on the Unhealthy Way where I basically suggested dispersing your love and getting under someone else to get over someone. I mean…hey, it does work… but to an extent. It really depends on the person you’re sleeping with as well. I’ve thought about that quick-fix through the years, and what personally made me avoid doing that in the end was the fact that I was using this other person to make myself feel better.. so… that’s not very nice.
Side note: to go around that, be honest with the other person about your current feelings and intentions. Sometimes, they’re cool with it. *shrug*
I wrote that post at the time because it was the easy way. I had just separated from my toxic ex whom I was in love with, and I didn’t want to but I felt like needed to move on fast. Otherwise, I would have went back to him. I had just started therapy, so the coping methods I just learned about weren’t doing it for me. They were too slow, weren’t strong enough to get my mind off of him. Rebounding was the surefire way for me to escape from the initial pain of things.
But the unhealthy method is unhealthy for a reason. I wasn’t dealing with my emotions or putting in the mental work to move on. I mean. Maybe you’re a different type of homegirl and you’re just super self-aware like that, who knows. You’d be the exception!
Even though I already knew that rebounding and talking to as many guys as possible was a quick fix and bad for me (obviously, since I wrote the Unhealthy Way), it took me a minute to realize that in order for me to grow, I need to actually face these emotions head-on. And hey, maybe channel them into my own goals (I have clear goals now fyi). So.. years later, I’m gonna go ahead and add onto some of that old unhealthy shiz and write a Moving on the Healthy Way post. In the spirit of being healthy. New year, new me, right?
Let Yourself Mourn
Wallow girl, wallow. Ice cream, pizza, weed, music, romcoms… Get. Those. Feelings. Out. and FEEL THEM. I don’t really suggest drinking or depending on drugs. Alcohol or pills when you’re really in your feels can be dangerous. You can go from regular-dark to empty-dark real fast and who knows what shit will go down. It’s just a bad decision in my opinion. I know some people who have turned to substances to try to numb their pain, and at the end of the day, they only hurt themselves. Even after a year of taking substances to try to mute their feelings.. their mental health didn’t just disintegrate, they also isolated themselves from everyone and literally nothing in their life improved. Do yourself a favor and don’t do this to yourself. Also, I love you ladies, so be strong.
Clean Your Shit Up
Create a new space for yourself. Do some sprucing, toss out old things, do laundry, take a shower or a bubble bath, groom yourself, shave your vagina, drink a glass of water. Time to watch some Marie Kondo and clean up your life girl. Just clear out all the extra stuff and the baggage. According to Psychology Today, studies have shown that improving your cleanliness leads to better physical health, better focus, and even a better night’s sleep. I recently just ended things with this guy I was crazy about (he just wasn’t right for me), but after a night of wallowing and sleeping to forget him, I woke up and went on a cleaning frenzy the following day. Even though it didn’t do much in terms of moving on, at least I was able to wallow in a clean, clear, uncluttered living space.
When I’m feeling crappy on the inside, I also go out of my way to make myself look kickass and beautiful on the outside. That way I know I can still get it if I wanted to – but also, I’ve found that it slightly improves my mood. At the very least, I can get a good picture out of it.
Get Yourself Outside
Fill your cloudiness with some actual sunshine. Even when I lived in the East Coast, I found some solace going outside.. even in the rain or snow. Especially in the snow. Now that I live on the West Coast, going out into the sun is super healing and it instantly lifts my mood. At the very least, it makes me feel independent. When I’m moving on from someone, I personally like taking a solo day to reflect. Whether it’s visiting a coffee shop, watching a movie in theater, hitting up the public library, reading at a park, going for a walk, hanging out with one or two good friends.. You name it. I know some people who go to the beach by themselves to do yoga or they go skating along some bike trail.. going for a hike. SO many darn things to do. If you’re going to be sad, be sad outside instead of inside a stuffy room.
Make a List
First off, I love lists. Yes, sometimes I would make lists to complete tasks or when I’m packing before a flight or something. However, the right list to make here in this situation is a pro/con list. Then a goals list. Or a list of what you want in a perfect person for you. A list of tattoos you want to get. Places you want to go. Things you need to do to get your life in order. This kind of goes in the “clean up your life” category. For me, making a list helps me organize my crap and re-prioritize the things I need in my life. Making a list helps me regain back my focus.
Get Your Workout On
Yup. Get that steam out of your system. I think of feelings like this cosmic ball of energy you have inside you, and when you’re feeling overloaded, you need to physically release that excess energy or else you’ll implode. I like pilates and dancing (twerking) by myself in my bedroom. Running, stairs, bleh. You get it. Also, when you’re working out, you’re making yourself more beautiful on the outside…you’re taking care of yourself… and who doesn’t like self-care? Even though your head might not be in the game right now because it’s clouded with feelings about this ex-person in your life, working out can help you create a new and improved version of you.
Do Something You Love
Do you like drawing? Writing in your diary? Watching tv? Scootering? Competing in chess competitions? Whatever you love doing, do it. You might be feeling down and in a mood, but at least doing something you enjoy can give you the chance to alleviate some of that darkness you’re feeling. Even though it might be difficult to switch modes, try to think positive.
Don’t Look at Their Social Media
I struggle with this one. After initially binging on their Instagram (going realll deep in there), I eventually tire out and stop checking. My personal problem is when I like someone, I tend to stalk them. To be fair though, a lot of women do this. Currently, I’ve been trying to avoid checking this guy’s Instagram activity.. but failing. I keep going to this girl’s page (my ex-guy constantly likes her overtly sexual photos…which is also annoying fuckboy behavior), and I check to see if he likes or comments on her photos. It has been 18 hours since her last post, and he’s still at it liking, liking, liking. Ugh.
Sometimes I’m so frustrated that I mute the guy. Muting their posts and story actually helps. You’re still their friend on social media, but you don’t get constant reminders whenever they’re around. Out of sight, out of mind. But let’s be real, they’ll still be on your mind sometimes. If you REALLY want to forget this person and delete them from your life, change their caller ID to say “SPAM RISK” or “Telemarketer” and you’ll literally never pick up their call ever again. That’s low-key Black Mirror shit right there.
This is a special occasion. Yes, moving on can be terrible, but this is your rebirth into You 2.0 or 3.0 or 100.0. Take yourself out to a spa day, a massage. Go shopping and get those shoes you wanted for awhile. Get your nails did. Hair. Splurge on that restaurant you wanted to check out. Get yourself a fruit tart. Even better, a sugar daddy (ok, maaaybe this one isn’t for everyone lol). You’ll be surprised what a little TLC can do for your wellbeing. There are several reasons why treating yourself can be good for your mental health, some of which include increased dopamine, being self-compassionate, less depression, and more.
Spend Time With Family and Friends
I take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t think hanging out with my mother is a fantastic idea when I’m trying to move on from a dude. She can be unintentionally hypercritical and make me feel worse sometimes. I enjoy hanging out with my sister and my best childhood friends when I’m feeling down, happy, bored, hungry. I head towards them when I’m in this mood. They know me the best, and even if we end up doing nothing, at least I’m with something familiar, comfortable, safe, and secure. So when you’re feeling this way, surround yourself with people who love you. The only exception to this suggestion is if your love situation is like Romeo and Juliet (and it’s clearly true love), but you’re in warring families and you’re like 12 years old. Sorry, I guess I’m tired lol.
Don’t Do Anything Drastic
Calm the fudge down. No need to quit your job (unless you have a better job lined up), don’t get a new pet, try a gang of new drugs, or do some crazy shit like steal a cop car. Try being as stable as possible when you’re getting over someone.. at least be stable financially and physically. Mentally, you’re probably a hot mess, but life’s just going to get harder if you add another hot mess unstable element to it. Take care of your body.. eat. Stay hydrated. Shower. Keep up good hygiene. Don’t completely neglect your health, that’s not gonna help anyone — especially you. You do not want to be that person who gets rushed to the ER because you fainted or you can’t walk anymore because you’re constipated from eating terribly. Think about those extra bills. This is already a transitional period for you — don’t make it harder on yourself. That’s just not smart and overall poor planning.
So that was 10 suggestions. I could go on. My next one would have been to try something new. I still fully suggest that. Obviously not something too crazy, but something interesting that would revitalize and distract you. Perhaps try surfing or boarding. Take a cooking class. Painting, art class. You just lost someone who had an important place in your heart, so there’s a painful void there. A new hobby won’t replace that void, but it’ll make the emptiness more bearable, and with time — you’ll be stronger, better than ever.
Moving on is not easy. I’ve been in and out of so many relationships that I’m practically a pro at it now, but even for someone like me who has a heart of thorns.. moving on is still something I struggle with. Sometimes, people just aren’t a good match for you, and that’s totally OK. The way I see it is this.. I can’t be the right person for everyone. The right person for me isn’t supposed to be easy to find. Another thing? I’m a believer in the right person finding me. When the time is right, when I’m at my full self, my dream guy will show up and I’ll be ready.
Okay that’s all!!! Work on those if you need. Please feel free to drop a comment or contact me if you have any questions or if you just want to show some love.