Falling for an Unavailable Guy While Still being Married

I’m not sure what shitstorm just happened over the past few days, but I am now captivated by Ronny, an old co-worker.. who also has a girlfriend (Related Post: Feeling Thirsty and Uncomfortable).

OUT OF ALL THE FUCKING GUYS I DECIDED TO CHOOSE FROM, I SHOWED INTEREST IN THE UNAVAILABLE ONE?

This is seriously a very bad cycle, but right now.. it feels so good. Especially in all the drama that is my husband.. Ronny has been such a comfort. Yes, I know I should be looking at comfort within myself. I know I should ignore him, and push all these guys away as well. I am also well aware that I’m being a terrible person — especially towards his girlfriend. Yada, yada, ya.

I KNOW I’M TERRIBLE, BUT I HAVEN’T HAD ANY ACTION IN A COUPLE MONTHS, SO THE THIRST WAS SO REAL.

My sister thinks I’m too boy crazy, perhaps I am. But ever since I started getting to know Ronny, I stopped obsessing over being separated from my toxic husband. For the first time in over a year, I felt freed from his tight grasp. Hmm.

It’s quite possible that I’m transferring my feelings onto another person so that I could move on with my life. It’s the way I cope. However, would I be able to handle what happens with Ronny? And his girlfriend? I definitely wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything serious with Ronny, but I also wasn’t very happy about being a side bitch. Ronny was trying to have his cake and eat it too.. and right now, I was willingly giving it to him through Instagram DM. So shady!!!

Anyways, let me rewind a little bit and recap the past few days.

I was doing so well. I sent Ronny a message saying this was not for me, and I think any normal man would have respected that. I did, however, continue responding to his ongoing messages. I took pleasure in his affections, compliments, and attention.

 

I remembered I had met Ronny earlier a couple years ago at a work event, before I met my crazy husband. He approached me with his friendly charisma. I had already noticed him when I walked into the room — dude was seriously cute. Anyways, we chatted for a bit at the event, but I left in a hurry because I parked at a street meter. He tried several times while we worked together to engage in conversation with me, but I never reciprocated. Mostly because I was either tongue-tied or preoccupied with other thoughts.

What. Is. Wrong with me? Prepare yourself because I’m about to go full-on boy crazy right now. I liked that Ronny was more experienced. I enjoyed the attention he gave me. It was nice that he craved my conversation and my body even though we’ve never been intimate. Shit, I think we’ve only ever shook hands, not even.

Ugh. I repeat, the thirst is so real. We started sexting.. the best sexting of my life. I was eating up his words, and what he wanted to do to me. Gawd, it was like dirty poetry up in that DM chat. I loved being able to be open to him without judgment. What I didn’t love was that he had a girlfriend. What I didn’t love was that I was still married.

Unfortunately, I would never trust Ronny completely in any serious relationship, and with my big secret (only a few people knew I was even married), he would never completely trust me. I only told him that I had a crazy ex, and we broke up because things got physical. This was all true, except I didn’t mention that it was an ex-husband type of deal.

We both agreed that I should not be in a relationship for a long time.. yet he still wanted to “make love” to me. He wanted to be friends with benefits with me. Was I emotionally capable of that? This was a vicious cycle of bad relationships and bad decisions that could only lead to disaster and shitty outcomes!! I could SEE it, but I’m enjoying Ronny way too much at this point. I could see myself getting hurt. I could see myself pushing my ex towards a breaking point.

I cancelled my date with Adam for tonight. I also cancelled my date with Keith for tomorrow night (Refer to: Just Got Two Dates). Just wasn’t feeling it.

I had yet to respond to my ex’s emails. It’s been three days. That’s the longest I had ever gone without giving him news. I blamed him for pushing me to this point. By accusing me of cheating on him, when I wasn’t. I wanted to make myself feel better, I gave into my comforts, and I engaged in the seduction of several men.. so now, his insults are justified. Yup. This marriage could never work out. I wonder, if I ignored him long enough, if he would move on. Or would he continue to wait? I felt guilty because he was faithfully going to his AA meetings (or was he?), though some of his text messages sounded completely drunk sometimes.

It was difficult to believe anything he said. I didn’t want to believe him anymore. After all his insults and aggression, our marriage was past the point of returning for me.

My ex never asked me about my day. He never asked me about what my plans were. When he DID happen to ask what my plans are, he didn’t actually respect my decisions. That was no life to live. At least with Ronny, we were on an equal playing field. He had been honest and straightforward with me about his relationship (hey, at least he wasn’t currently married) — meanwhile, I was hiding my marriage.

Honestly, I think Ronny would understand though. Regardless, even if we got together after I moved back to San Francisco.. I really don’t think we would work out. Either way, I know what I’m doing is “morally wrong” and as Ronny would say, “Yes, on paper it looks bad” Whatever the fuck that meant — but he made me feel good for the moment. The first good that I’ve felt inside for a long time. I’ve been talking to him for almost a week already, and we haven’t argued at all. Sure, I’ve gotten annoyed, but Ronny was apologetic and he knew exactly how to sweet talk me. That shit was amazing to me.

I could barely get my ex to be polite, patient, and understand things from my perspective for even one full day. Three days tops.

I should give Ronny a timeline for when he should leave his girlfriend, but it’s hypocritical of me to demand that. I was still married.

For now, I will stop talking about exes to Ronny. I cannot push anything with him and his girlfriend, and I should probably set some clear boundaries between us. I should. Should..

So many things I should do.

(Read from the beginning: Moving Back Home)

Feeling Thirsty and Uncomfortable

I’ve been having trouble sleeping at home. The place was a small and cluttered two bedroom that comfortably fit my mom and sister. The couch was comfortable leather, but I was too tall for it.. my sister snored like a monster, and my mom’s bed was solid as a board (she prefers it that way). So I waited until my sister left for work at 6AM before I could sleep in her bed.

After two hours of sleep, I woke up to a painful and irritating itch on my belly button. Damn straight. Belly button. By the time I get that figured out, I couldn’t sleep anymore!

I originally planned on getting up, getting some work done, getting my lashes re-done (yes, lash extensions are da bomb), do laundry, and work out. I wanted to get all that energy out of me. But I was so tired. I messaged my girlfriends and asked for a good salon to get my girl maintenance out of the way.

While waiting, I checked my dating app and gave my number to Adam (Refer to previous post: Just Got Two Dates) before shutting it down, and I checked my spam mailbox for incoming mail from Pierre. For some reason, I felt a bit uncomfortable and ended up dozing off again.

Hours later, I woke up and saw that I got a new text message from Adam. I also received a friendly hello from Keith, my old college friend/hook up.

Just when I thought I had my hands full, I received a direct message from a cute guy I used to work with at my old job. Ronny. It started out innocent enough at first, but then he started complimenting me.. then sharing his personal life. Apparently he was having trouble with his girlfriend, so yeah. He was bad news! I tried to stay cordial though, but what do you do in that situation? When you used to have a crush on a guy, but he doesn’t show interest in you until he’s having girlfriend troubles?

Meanwhile, Pierre was in a friendly and apologetic place today. I was relieved I didn’t spent all my time stressing out about him like I did before. It was always the same pattern with him. Apologetic and nice one day, then manipulative and insulting the next day. Shit is stressful and was slowly driving me insane.

I had been so distracted from talking to Adam, Keith, and Ronny. What is going on? Do these guys just wake up and think, “Hey let me hit this girl up and see if she wants to hang?” With the exception of Adam, I was quite confused. It felt a bit like I was a walking time bomb that attracted nothing but trouble from different directions. Should I just shut all communication with dudes down and ignore all of these dead ends, just focus on me?

The obvious answer was a resounding YES. I needed to. I needed to be strong. Concentrate on other things like reading, writing, working, spending time with friends and family, cooking, sports, politics.. anything. But why was that so hard?! Scratch that – the hard part would be late at night, when everyone’s sleeping, and I’m up feeling lonely.. looking for attention. Craving it. Gawd I’m crazy.

Well.. maybe a little crazy, but I think the overwhelming mood I was in was THIRSTY. I was feeling thirsty. Even though I was trying to stay “friends” with guys, it came off as flirting. Maybe it was flirting. I don’t know man.

What I really needed to do was channel all this excess energy into my work. I was determined to do that. I started feeling like maybe I was putting all my attention into the wrong things these past few days (guys), and it was really starting to mess with me. Dictating my life. Where do I find a balance!

I was trying so hard to just write. Write. Write. “I do not need a man,” I told myself. I needed to drill that into my brain. But I really.. missed having someone hold me. I think my belly button hurt earlier because my tummy was slowly expanding from being a useless lump of laziness the past month!

After forcing myself to be productive and mulling my life over for a few hours, my sister finally came home from work. Thank goodness! Spending time with her helped take my mind off of other bullshit. I helped her with her homework (ahem, she forced me to do it), and we watched that VH1 show, Catching Kelce or something like that. The show about a bunch of girls from every state competing over this hot football player. Entertaining stuff.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Just Got Two Dates

After trying out Match.com for two days, I decided to stop all the dating apps. This was way too serious for me. I know I wanted an escape from my nightmare of a marriage, but this was not it. Before shutting down the last one though, I got a response from the one guy I thought was attractive and interesting. (Refer to previous post: Browsing Through Match.com)

We chatted for a bit through text, and he asked me out for Thursday evening later during the week. I said yes. Though I was about 90% sure I was going to cancel. This was totally counter-productive. I was afraid to tell my therapist because she’ll realize the extent of my nutcase-ness. Did I just dig myself into another hole or was I moving on?

Later that night, I got a message at 2AM from an old friend/hook up, Keith, asking to hang out. I was very hesitant, but I agreed to see him the upcoming Friday. He was a good looking guy, successful and Chinese.. unfortunately, he had the personality of a wall. I felt no chemistry with him. Just pure physical attraction. But he was also the type of guy my family would approve of with flying colors.

What was going on?!! In one day, I managed to snag myself two dates already. I would have felt guilty, but then I checked my spam inbox again and read another threatening email from my soon-to-be ex-husband Pierre. Apparently I was his top priority now, and he would make me “pay” for the rest of my life.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)

Browsing Through Match.com

So I tried Match.com’s free trial period because there was no way I was gonna pay for that. When I started filling out my profile, there was a section that asked if I was “single”, “divorced”, or “separated”. I know I should have checked off “separated”, but shame made me check off “single”. I hated that this was going to stick with me now. I felt marked. Damaged goods.

I know I said I was only window shopping (Refer to my previous post: The Last Call We Had), but I couldn’t help but look over some profiles. I didn’t realize that whenever you visit someone’s profile, they see that you looked at their page.

When I woke up the next morning, I saw that I got an overwhelming response. What? Hello, ego boost!

I scanned through my spam inbox. Insults from the soon-to-be-ex-husband ensued. I’m over the insults. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so exhausted from babying this guy. I felt less angry at him now though. After a year of being accused of cheating when I was being loyal, at least the accusations were kind of founded now. Pierre always considered himself a psychic. Now that I know him, I realize that whatever he said ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anything that was in his control.. like predicting that “something big and life-changing was going to happen” when his family visited, he made sure that “something” would happen. It was his own actions that propelled me out of his life. I didn’t want to think about it.

Instead, I set my mind to checking the Match dating application. Meh. Lots of guys interested, but I wasn’t interested in anyone at all.

Well, there was one guy, Adam, but he didn’t poke me or whatever the hell you were supposed to do on this website. Oh well. If I thought he was the only hot dude on the website, there were probably loads of other ladies who thought so too. I have good taste in men *wink*.

I really don’t know how people get over their significant other the healthy way. The only way I’ve ever known for moving on from someone was by locking onto another love interest. I’ll save that one for my therapist.

(You can read my first post here: Back at Home)